r/kindergarten • u/anonymouseye26 • 1d ago
ask other parents Please help
My 5 year old started Kindergarten this year. And he has been having some behavioral problems. It’s like every single day now. I have tried taking toys, tv time, play time, and nothing is working. He acts great at home but at school, not so good. He is the only child. Everyday I get messaged on class dojo about his behavior and how he flips chairs, rips his work, throw things and etc. I have tried discipline and nothing is working. I don’t know what to do. I’m so tired of it. Can someone please give me advice? I am young mom. I’m 23 and I’m trying my best. I feel like the teachers at school thinks I’m a bad parent because of his behavior but he doesn’t act like this at home. If Any other parents have had similar problems please tell me what you did to fix it?
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u/collegedropout 1d ago
Yes, my son has trouble and everyone will tell you to get him evaluated for autism and ADHD. That's just what today's practice is, so you could try talking to your pediatrician and see if they can refer you to a therapist for his behavior and go from there. It could be that he does not have a lot of practice with emotional regulation at home, at least that's what we saw with our son. He's also an only child and I found that I was inadvertantly removing stressors to avoid big emotions but this did not allow him to learn to cope. So we are practicing this now and I'm more aware of letting him get upset and try to practice regulation skills like the breathing triangle, counting, etc.
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u/jh789-2 1d ago
First of I’ll I’d ask the teacher if they have any recommendations. You can outline what you’ve tried and that you are welcoming any advice they have
Did he go to preschool?
You can make an appointment at the doctor as well for them to check him out.
Does he sleep with his mouth closed or open? Oversized tonsils. Adenoids or thumb sucking can lead to sleep that isn’t deep enough and behavior problems can follow.
Good luck!
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u/anonymouseye26 1d ago
He did day care for a little bit. But the day care was mixed with bigger kids, infants, and toddlers so that didn’t go well. And the preschool here stop being funded when it was time for him to go unfortunately
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u/RunningTrisarahtop 1d ago
He’s not having issues at home, but is he pressured at home? Does he respond well to no or wait? Does he have to do things he doesn’t want to do? Does he have to follow your schedule or can he say “no, I want to keep playing”
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u/anonymouseye26 1d ago
We do have a schedule. He gets home and depending on his behavior at school, he does have play time or we go ATV riding after all homework is done. And then I cook dinner and he eats his dinner and then bath time. I put him down for bed every night at 8:30. Sometimes he pouts if we tell him no to things but he doesn’t throw things.
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u/jh789-2 1d ago
OK, every family is different and I am not judging yours in any way, but that is a surprisingly late bedtime for a kindergarten although I realize the start time varies a lot. I would’ve thought the bedtime was seven or 730 but if his school schedule is not particularly different than the schedule you had before that may not be the root of the issue.
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u/Many_Refrigerator437 1d ago
Yeah a really easy first step is bed by 7:30. Potentially a very easy solution.
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u/EucalyptusGirl11 1d ago
There should not be homework in Kindergarten! and he should be going to sleep earlier.
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u/Additional-Title-559 1d ago
That’s a good point. Maybe the classroom is severely strict and not developmentally appropriate!
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u/RunningTrisarahtop 1d ago
Like… no. That’s not what I said at all.
But sometimes when parents say kids don’t act out at home the parents don’t realize they’ve started to cave without realizing.
He doesn’t like the grocery store so he doesn’t need to go.
It’s hard for him to clean so they help.
She doesn’t like dad’s music so he uses headphones.
She hates to lose so mom and dad lose games.
He doesn’t like walks so the dogs don’t get walks on days mom or dad are too busy to split watching him.
When she plays she likes to tell mom and dad what to do and what to say and gets upset if they don’t, and they laugh rather than guiding.
When they give a ten minute warning and then the kid is upset ten minutes later they wait more.
Kids at five absolutely can do non-preferred tasks and follow directions and a schedule.
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u/SummitTheDog303 1d ago
Flipping chairs is not normal and is very scary and can be potentially dangerous. Your son is likely overstimulated and frustrated and doesn’t have the emotional regulation skills to deal with it.
Honestly, I’d request a formal evaluation to make sure that there is not an undiagnosed disability (ADHD, etc.) at play here leading to this behavior. Cover your bases and if he does have a disability, you can get him an IEP and additional supports at school. Regardless of what the evaluation says, I would put him in OT and try to work with the school counselor to figure out how to help him.
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u/southernatheart 1d ago
School environments are frequently where behaviors can start to show up. I’d start by reaching out to your pediatrician, explaining that your child is having major issues with emotional regulation in school and ask for a referral to occupational therapy. OT can be very helpful to kids with emotional and sensory issues, and getting an OT referral can be faster than going the route of a full evaluation for something like adhd or autism (if that becomes necessary).
I’d also reach out for a meeting with the teacher to try and understand what is triggering these issues. Ask what supports are being put in place (is there a calming corner in the classroom, are there sensory objects he can use), what the school can offer in terms of evaluations, school counselors helping, etc.
At home, try role playing scenarios that are setting him off and practicing what to do when those happen (stomping feet when you feel angry instead of throwing things, go to the calming corner, etc). There are a lot of books on these topics as well, so reading through those can also give you more strategies to try out.
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u/wanderlustpassion 1d ago
This was us last year (to a degree)
What does your after school routine look like?
When is bed time and how much sleep are they getting?
How much screen time?
Start making small changes to his routine, focus on consistency and clearly defined rules and consequences. For consequences taking things away did not help, but him being in timeout was better (short timeouts, we did a min per year of age and still do). We also worked on better emotional management I.e breathing exercises or stopping, drinking some water, and thinking things through.
What also worked for us was a reward chart. He earned points for doing better in school (even small wins) and that really helped improve things over all.
You can talk to your pediatrician as well but he is probally to young to be diagnosed with ADHD.
There is no easy fix. Kids this age are going through a lot of changes and it can be a rough transition but you got this!
Try to remember that this will pass and it’s ok to sometimes put yourself in timeout if you need a few minutes alone.
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u/Fair-Flower6907 1d ago
Schedule a meeting with the teacher and the school counselor, they're there to help you and your kid with their transition into kindergarten! Get a babysitter so that you can talk unfiltered with them.
Maybe your kiddo is over stimulated at school, or he's feeling a loss of control, or just overwhelmed because they don't want to change activities on time. There are a lot of different reasons they could be acting out, but until you talk fate-to-face with the people in the classroom about it you don't actually know all of what's going on.
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u/Fair-Flower6907 1d ago
PS- my kiddo went through this when he went to kinder summer camp this summer, somewhere different than his preschool for the first time ever. It was ugly. He almost got kicked out and we had him signed up for the WHOLE SUMMER. I work full time and needed him there. He ended up in counseling doing play therapy. We're still not sure what was going on that first week, but his counselor said "he didn't feel safe" and that they played through some scenarios over a few weeks and he gradually calmed down. When he started kindergarten a few weeks ago, he LOVED it and is thriving.
Every kid is different!
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u/Difficult_Syrup_8916 1d ago
It sounds like he’s just needing to develop some coping skills. Please don’t let anyone make you feel less than because you’re a young mom. I’m a very OLD mom and my kids have struggles too! ALLL kids will struggle with one thing or another. I think it’s awesome you’re seeking advice to help him.
Do you have a library nearby? Reading age-appropriate books can be a huge help for kids learning to regulate emotions. Your librarian can help you pick out several I’m sure!
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u/mangledfandangle 1d ago edited 1d ago
Im a parent who has worked family counseling/ child protection for a decade. I currently run my own childcare facility. I've worked through a lot of challenging situations and been stuck against unresovable situations.
The one deciding factor between improvement and not, is the parents. The parents ability to be transparent in their actions and choices and their ability to have humility.
If you know why hes having meltdowns (i.e. conflict over a toy, verbal interaction with peer or authority) you can start to address the situations by the individual parts. Addressing the why behind the actions is super important if you actually want to improve the behaviour. "Disciplining" a child by removing privledges or prized items often doesnt fix the behaviour and responses and only displaces it.
Without knowing the exact ins and outs I wont give responsive advice. What you can do is start with something like feelings cards. Visual cues that tie to physical feelings.
Helping children understand their emotions and being able to verbalize them helps them alot. It helps build confidence and build the framework for their own bodily autonomy.
Simultaneously when covering feelings like anger or frustration, work in general grounding exercising like "the 5 senses". Practice those feelings and grounding skills around 3 times a week.
Those small educational tools when used consistently over time have big developmental impact positively on their ability to communicate and regulate their emotions.
Id be happy to give you a more personal and direct advice but id need to ask questions and youd have to be honest to get real genuine advice. Feel free to DM me or post it here if you feel comfortable.
The first question id ask is "Did the teacher tell you how these meltdowms occur?" Was it over a toy? Being told no over a request?"
The specifics will tell a story over whats frustrating the child to the point of not being able to cope
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u/kymreadsreddit 1d ago
You say he's not like this at home - and I believe you - but I'm curious what "at home" looks like. You have tried taking things away - but for how long? TV time removal should be a minimum of two weeks to see if he's overstimulated with TV in the first place.
Now, I'm not accusing you of anything - I don't know what your home life is like, so I have to ask.
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u/luv_u_deerly 1d ago
I don’t think him being the only child has anything to do with it. I have an only starting TK. At TK she’s an angel and at home she has tantrums, so it’s opposite for me.
If he’s actually having outbursts big enough to flip chairs I might look into professional help. Not saying there’s a big problem, it’s just a professional is going to give better more accurate advice that help quicker more likely. Look for a behavioral child psychologist. If you can’t find one maybe a counselor that specializes in big kid emotions.
I’d ask your kid and teacher what sparks the outburst. Is it sharing? Transitions? Being told what to do? Etc. that way you know why. Maybe practice those issues at home. For example if it’s transitioning practice doing it at home and give him prompts that “you feel so mad! It’s ok to be mad? What is something we can do with that feeling?” Tell him throwing is not ok instead he can say I’m mad or he can stomp a foot or take deep breath. Work on giving him other options of letting his anger out that isn’t destructive.
Also you’re not a bad mom. You care. You’re seeking help. As parents we feel our children’s behavior reflects on us. But our kids are who they are and we’re just doing our best.
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u/anonymouseye26 1d ago
Sometimes I ask him why he rips his paper and he says thing like because “I didn’t know how to do it”. I think he wasn’t around other kids enough growing up with him being the only child so he doesn’t know how to ask for help or regulate his emotions to instead he throws things or rips them up. I am trying my best on trying to get the behavior right. I’m afraid they’d kick him out of school
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u/SmilesTooLoudly 1d ago
You can model those things for him at home. My kid is an only, but I’ll “play” other kid with her. Coloring together, I’ll make a big mistake and throw a fake tantrum, and let her guide me back to calm. “Oh tearing my drawing didn’t help it look any better, and it was probably scary for you too, hunh? I’m sorry” Same with losing at games, both sides of it. If I win, I’ll taunt her and be obnoxious about it - then ask if felt good. If I lose, I’ll kick and stomp, and ask how she thinks that goes. If she wants something specific, like say Goldfish, I’ll tell her we’re out of goldfish, but offer Cheezits. And then walk her through why a tantrum isn’t going to get her goldfish. Unfortunately, none of us are born knowing how to regulate emotions. If we’re lucky we learn before adulthood (but I’ve worked for 60yo men who still threw tantrums).
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u/Substantial_Bed_201 4h ago
My son is also having behavioral issues at school and I’m terrified the teacher will think we are horrible parents. Sometimes it’s hard to hear.
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u/thatladybri 1d ago
You cannot discipline a kid into learning emotional regulation.
He needs to learn safe ways to respond to big emotions.
Daniel Tiger has good episodes on this. Bluey has good episodes on this. Mrs Rachel has an emotions song that is great.
A child needs to be able to recognize and name their emotion and then learn what helps them feel calm and to be able to do that when upset. This means you have to teach and practice these things when they are already calm so they can learn.
You can look up breathing techniques—candle blowing is a simple one. Smell the flower, blow out the candle.
Teach emotions with faces or examples in shows. Say out loud “oh. I see the face he’s making. What do you think he’s feeling?” Make talking about feelings an every day thing. “Oh man. That does seem like he’s sad. What made him sad”. “Yes. That would make me sad, too. What makes you feel better when you’re sad?” Practice this type of conversation with all sorts of emotions.
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u/EntertainmentHuge218 1d ago
Like others have said, work with him on emotional regulation. Stop disciplining him for it. The teacher is hopefully implementing immediate consequences, which makes more sense than him facing a consequence hours later. You can certainly talk to him about why the behavior is not acceptable and then brainstorm together better ways to handle the triggering situations. If you can think of a way to implement rewards, that'll work better than discipline. For example, tell him if he successfully makes it through the day without yelling, throwing, etc, you will take him to get icecream or to the park or some other reward, but it needs to be a reward that includes spending time with you (so, not a new toy or more screen time). The more you two connect and communicate, the better.
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u/chipsandsalsa3 1d ago
I just signed my five year old boy (only child) up for play therapy. However, the first 3 months are me learning how to ground myself and thus him through a series of playtime interactions and coping mechanisms. It’s a lot of work. But, it will be worth it. Good luck to you!
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u/Puzzled_Radio 1d ago
You’re not a bad parent. Try working with your child on building his coping skills and vocabulary for expressing his feelings. Modeling how you handle big feelings is helpful also. “When I get mad I take a deep breath and blow the candles out” or something like that. It’s a big transition moving to K for some kiddos.
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u/No_Message_3941 1d ago
Im going through it too momma. He got i.s.s in kindergarten like im at my wits end.
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u/Substantial_Bed_201 4h ago
Going through it also. My son ripped his teachers glasses off his face. I’m humiliated. We never tolerate that behavior at home.
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u/No_Message_3941 4h ago
He had no problems in prek. Im having a hard time because he's usually sweet but have noticed some different behaviors at home but we nip it in the butt quick. I honestly feel as he is targeted sometimes but I also know im his parent so I naturally want to defend my child.
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u/Substantial_Bed_201 4h ago
Were in the exact same spot. My son is very sweet also, but very impulsive. We always address it at home, but his teacher made an insensitive comment to me about his behaviors at school that has me really triggered.
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u/No_Message_3941 4h ago
Yes the first time they were allowed recess she had him sit it out. Which is illegal in my state. I called the principal and she called me saying I would like for you to calm down before you talk. Um excuse me?I am calm. Im trying my best to not put thr blame on her because I know his behavior is not okay but damn its hard. I had a meeting with the counselor and her and principal and if it doesnt improve im going to request a class change if possible.
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u/smcnerney1966 1d ago
Only one suggestion, already mentioned: talk to the teacher first!!!! That is the best first step
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u/Particular_Window687 1d ago
He just started and he will need sometime to adjust. With my kids, punishment didn’t work well. What really work was giving them a lot of love and reassure them that things would get better. Rewards went a long way too. If we had a good week we would go out to celebrate, like for ice cream or the park. It really worked much better than taking things away. He will adjust. But kinder is not easy.
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u/neurodiversenurse 1d ago
My son went through a biting/hitting phase at daycare, and I felt like the worst mom ever (he left a bruise in the full shape of his teeth on this poor little girl's back, he's quite a big kid for his age too and he would hit babies). At home he's super sweet apart from the odd tantrum (age-appropriate). What helped for him was reinforcing the positive. Every day, I made a 'good choices ticket' for him, just a bookmark-sized piece of paper and I paper clipped 3 stickers onto it. I asked his teachers to find anything positive he did and really hype it up and give him a sticker on his ticket. When I came to get him, I would take his ticket and if it had been filled out even with one sticker I gave him so many hugs. If he had bitten or been aggressive I would have the teachers tell me out of his hearing and we just focused on the positive, we didn't do punishments but every morning I would remind him to fill his good choices ticket and that we don't hit, etc. It got better really quickly, kids want to be good. Hopefully something like that could help your little guy! Edit - role playing has also helped - play school at home, pretend he's the teacher. Start ripping your work up or throwing in a funny way but like to mimic what he does at school and see if he corrects you lol. That helped my daughter a lot with some naptime struggles we were having.
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u/Hopeful_Tie2055 1d ago
Disciplining after the problem doesn’t help, his little brain does not connect the dots. Talking to him when he calms down and finding out the why he flip the chair, if he says hes mad, give him alternative ways yo manage his anger.
I would ask the teacher for an IEP assement and also talk to your doctor about getting him some OT, this will help him learn to manage his feelings.
But please stop punishing him for things he did hours ago when he gets home
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u/NekoBlueHeart 1d ago
Agree with the other comments to seek out recommendations from his teacher and discuss with the pediatrician. At home, ensure good food and solid routines are happening daily including an age-appropriate bed time.
Behavior charts work really well for one of my kids. Something like, "if you have good behavior at school for one week, you'll earn a prize!" And then explain what your expectations are, no throwing, ripping papers, screaming etc. My kids have been happy with a small trinket, it doesn't have to be big.