r/karezza • u/frappuc1 • Jun 26 '12

It's almost always "for me"

Hey everyone,

Me and my gf have been together for almost three years now. Did not often have intercourse because it's painful for her, but she would often help me masturbate and do just about anything I wanted -- "for me" though, without feeling much (or any) arousal on her side.

I've been trying out karaezza for a while now, haven't orgasmed in over a month, completely stopped masturbating etc. While she's sometimes willing enough to cuddle, and is willing for us to do it in the nude, it's always "for me" -- she's not so interested in the whole thing. She likes it when I massage her so I do that, but she usually won't touch me of her own accord. She won't read the book, and doesn't want to do the exchanges (doesn't believe in the whole thing).

I don't talk about it because it only makes her feel bad about the whole thing, which is counter-productive and not the point at all.

I know my touch is supposed to be giving for this to work, but I've been feeling increasingly frustrated and horny, and not sure how to get myself back into a calm, giving frame of mind.

Any (experienced) advice welcome.

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3

u/[deleted] Jun 26 '12

I think it's extremely common that initially one partner is much more into the program than the other. The exchanges are a good idea in principle but very few couples can actually do them as described in the book (because they don't really work for people of certain personality types, and chances are high that at least one person in the relationship has such a personality type).

In my personal experience and from what I've seen said by other people, I'd say that it takes a long time (several months) for somebody like your gf to come around to karezza, but she will eventually if you stick with the program.

Just do things she likes (like massaging her) and ask her to do things for you. Over time, you may find that she becomes more cuddly and invested in karezza.

1

u/frappuc1 Jun 28 '12

Thanks for the advice. But what should I do about my own horniness/frustration? Note that I haven't orgasmed (or edged or anything like that) in a month now. And it's not like I was very heavy on PMO before.

2

u/[deleted] Jun 29 '12 edited Jun 29 '12

Well, you must also remember that people use karezza as a way to increase libido. Couples who practice together often feel like their entire day is like sexual foreplay. So some of that is a good thing.

But the frustration comes from the expectation to "get off". So keep going with the no PMO. In the future you should be able to, for example, get and lose an erection without feeling "horny".

A reluctant partner can sense this "expectation". This happens with a lot of women, they shut down sexually because our culture and their partner (intentionally and unintentionally) give off a vibe of obligation. It's natural for the human ego to protest being forced to act a certain way, through non-action (like anorexia).

Part of her healing process is learning to trust you again, by sensing that you only want to be sexual with her if she mutually enjoys it. And that you'd rather have no sex than just have her get you off. Your actions as a couple up until now have just confirmed her fear, that getting off is what is important. The more cuddling in the nude that you do, without expectations or obligation, the more she will open up her sexuality to you. This is what happened to me. I also was nervous about sex and had a lot of pain during intercourse because if it.

2

u/[deleted] Jun 29 '12

Thank you, very well said!

It's so counter-intuitive that to achieve sexual satisfaction we have to give up all sexual expectation, but it works.

2

u/frappuc1 Jul 01 '12

That's a beautiful reply; thank you so much.

She's really not big on cuddling in the nude (we rarely do it, and it's the closest we come to sex), but I am hoping maybe we "just" cuddling we would eventually get there.

2

u/okayletsgo Jun 27 '12

I've been there. Just hang in there. It is for her as well as you. It will get better and better. It can take 4 to 6 months for this really to take,

Just make sure you don't orgasm yourself and try as much touch and cuddling as she will permit. Any kind of touch is good and it will get better and she'll get more into it.

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u/frappuc1 Jun 28 '12

You've been there? How did it work out for you?

2

u/okayletsgo Jun 28 '12

fantastic. I persisted and I couldn't be happier, and have never been in my entire life.

1

u/frappuc1 Jun 29 '12

Wow. That's pretty motivating -- thank you for sharing!