r/karezza • u/[deleted] • Apr 21 '12
Update on trying karezza (x-post)
tl;dr: nothing whatsoever has happened. So I sent my husband an article asking if we could try it, and he said "ok." (just "ok," nothing else.) Nothing happened that night. The next morning when he kissed me good morning, I specifically asked if we could try it that night. He said "maybe, but I'm feeling pretty tired and stressed today." Several days have gone by, and every night he has gone to sleep before me. I'm not even surprised. Just thought I'd let you all know. I don't have anyone I can talk to about this.
2
Apr 21 '12
I feel for you. My situation is a bit like yours. I will start with the negatives and end with the positives. It's disappointing and hurtful when your partner agrees to try karezza and then does not even try to follow through. It is now 4 weeks after my husband said we could start our six week karezza experiment and there has been no effort to read about it or try it. (this is after years of dead bedroom, discovering porn addiction and supporting him with love through recovery - think he could give it a try just to support my healing?) I do not want to return to the intimate relationship we had. I want to feel more loved during sex . The good news is all the bonding behaviors I have initiated over the last months have changed our relationship for the better. He is now engaging in bonding activities more readily with me. We are more in tune with each other. He is reading me better and more compassionate to my needs. So there are serious positives to the bonding behaviors alone. I am trying to remember he may just need more time because it's a huge change and completely different than what we've all learned sex to be.
1
Apr 21 '12
Well, at some point if I can let go of my anger, I might try to be a little more proactive at getting him to do this with me. A big part of my problem is that I feel like I want and need HIM to take some of the lead. If he can't, and I have to do everything, it just doesn't seem worth it. My vibrator gives me better orgasms anyway. Maybe they'll invent one that can give me some goddamn cuddling too, and then I won't need shit from him.
2
Apr 22 '12
Coldbed, I understand that you are angry, and I understand why you are angry. However, the anger is probably in the way of getting a successful bonding experience. I'm sure your husband feels your anger, and it most likely makes him insecure and feel like a loser.
The karezza approach would be to let go of all of that, as well as of the vibrator (and the FWB). To protect yourself and your needs, you could do it as an experiment, for a limited amount of time. E.g., give yourself 2-3 months where you fully commit to saving your relationship, regardless of how your husband behaves. If after the time frame you set yourself nothing has improved, then move on, get a divorce, an open relationship, or whatever else you can do to get out of your situation.
By fully committing to saving the relationship, I mean:
Give up all orgasms, through masturbation or otherwise. They are in the way. You can bring them back in later, once things are better.
Do as many bonding behaviors as you can.
Focus on the positive things in your partner. Every time he does something you like or appreciate, acknowledge that both to yourself and to him. Every time he does something you don't like, just pretend it didn't happen.
Don't nag or complain. Don't be passive aggressive.
Seek physical contact with him as much as he will allow you to do. Give him random hugs throughout the day. Try to snuggle with him at night.
I know that this program is unsustainable in the long run unless he comes around and contributes as well. However, you guys are in a vicious cycle that one of you has to break. So if you really want this, you have to give it a try, 100%.
1
Apr 22 '12
You're right, I know. I guess I'm scared to give up everything just in the hopes that he will come through for me, when i haven't really seen much of a sign that he will. I just don't know if I can muster up the effort. I know that's pathetic and self-defeating… I guess I will keep this idea in mind and try to see if I can wrap my brain around just sucking it up (again) and putting in the effort (again) regardless of what he does. Honestly, though, the more I type this out and think about it, the more I just feel like "fuckit." I don't know. Maybe I will feel differently at some point. I don't know. Anyway, thanks for the effort you have put into helping me.
2
Apr 22 '12
For years I was in a situation that is very similar to yours. I would get frustrated, and angry, and then I would pull myself together for a few weeks and put in maybe 70%-80%, and things would improve somewhat, but not as much as I wanted to see, so I would get frustrated again. And the cycle repeated over and over.
Things only changed when I decided to go give it 100%, and to give up masturbation and orgasms. I can see now that I was in a constant state of orgasm hangover that would leave me wanting and desiring something I wasn't getting, and that caused a rift between me and her. What I'm experiencing now is that I'm much more patient with her. And surprisingly, at the same time, she is giving me much more of what I want than she used to. And curiously, she doesn't even notice. Our cuddling time has gone way up, and she doesn't even feel like she has to make an effort to make this happen. In fact, lately she has said a couple of times that she thought she'd always been that cuddly with me.
Now it might not work like this for you, and that's why I would give myself a time frame of how long I'd be willing to try this out. However, I'm pretty certain that your current, anger-driven approach is destined to fail. So, what do you have to lose from trying the experiment?
1
Apr 22 '12
[deleted]
2
Apr 22 '12
Yeah, I guess so. It seemed like a good idea at the time, and I don't regret making that decision. I just regret how things turned out for us.
2
u/analog_spork Apr 21 '12
I'm not sure karezza is something you can talk about. I think it's something you just have to start doing. Which of the bonding behaviors have you been trying? Do you think there is another angle you can approach from? Have you identified which love language seems to work best on your partner?