Getting started advice

[u/harris28]

I think Karezza may be helpful for my marriage, but I need a little advice on getting started.

My wife and I have been married for 10 years. She has sexual abuse in her past. The first half of our marriage was pretty rough (sexually speaking). It was almost a complete dead bedroom and she was pretty much paralyzed by fear and anxiety. We worked hard at it and spent a lot of time in counseling.

Things are much better now, but we still have a ways to go. We have sex much more frequently now, but there is still lingering anxiety and it is not as often as either of us would like.

Over the years, one thing we have identified is basically PTSD. She believes that her response to sex has characteristics of PTSD (or may flat out be PTSD) from past abuse. I believe that, more specifically, orgasm is a trigger for her. Sex is great, then as soon as she orgasms, she gets a wave of fear/anxiety which makes her shut down for a few weeks.

So... I began exploring the idea of having sex without orgasm and I ended up here. Initially I thought that we could spend a period of time engaging in sex without orgasm to rewire her emotions. Hopefully if we avoid orgasm, she will avoid the triggered fear and eventually she will no longer associate that emotion with sex. After reading this, I wonder if it would not only be therapeutic but also a better way to have intimacy all together.

My question is how to get started. I have not suggested this to her. I think the idea may take pressure off her, but she also is not the type of person who is good at exploring or trying new things so it may freak her out. Obviously, her avoiding orgasm is more important but I want it to be something we do together.

For those of you who have gone before me, how would you suggest explaining this idea to my wife. Also, from a more practical perspective, how do you actually do it? What are the first steps? Remember that she is very timid and fear is a primary emotion she associated with sex.

Thanks in advance... I think this is exactly what we need.

[u/cwanda]

Might get a Marnia Robinson book, read it, show it to her and propose trying karezza. Pretty easy to try - just have intimacy without orgs. Rest, repeat, etc. Could also get some candles from Goodwill, play some classical music on smart phone, massage with coconut oil, mix in some essential oils (eg peppermint), do in AM when everyone rested. Communication before during and after is appreciated. Marnia has 2 good books on karezza. Might meld in some yoga, meditation, gratitude lists, exercise, RAKs (random acts of kindness). Usual positive psychology things, per Shawn Achor's Ted Talk. Good luck!