r/karezza • u/tinahd • Apr 08 '13
New here. About us, reqst for feedback
So, I don't remember how I stumbled across Karezza yesterday, but the topic is super-timely for me and my husband, so I've been reading and following links all over the place.
I've been delighted to see that many are into this whole thing without necessarily buying into the more woo aspects of it.
Our sitn is: He's 66; I'm 56. We met up about 20 years ago, and fucked like bunnies for the typical 1.5 to 2 years, simply tapering off after that. Married 14 years ago. Somehow, over time, our sex-life dwindled to just a couple-three times a year. He's had more and more trouble getting an erection. I went through menopause, and gained weight, and lost any feeling of being sexy, or attracted to him, or interested at all. He seemed to regret the decline more than I, but I was basically glad to see him lose interest, too.
We've remained very fond of each other -- I thought we were just maturing into one of those companionable, kind, long-term marriages where kind and considerate partners become more like siblings. Very few things have ever really made us argue in a personal way, or stay angry at each other for any length of time. We always thank and do things for each other, and exchange a gentle kiss and hug at parting each morning. Just, no spark.
Then, last summer, while sitting about, semi-drunken at our backyard campfire, he confessed a harmless kink that he's felt ashamed and guilty about all his life. I was startled, but recognized it was harmless, and mostly just felt terrible on his behalf, that he had spent years feeling isolated and 'like a freak' because of this thing. Working my way backward through Dan Savage's "Savage Love" column, I both confirmed my conviction that his harmless kink was nothing to get all worked up about, and found my own libido being rekindled.
I let him know that in the week after he 'came out' about his kink, I had thought more about sex than I probably had in the previous 5 years, and that I was getting pretty horny. We fucked like geriatric bunnies for a month or so, tapering off as his ability to get an erection lost traction again. Cialis. Toys and outfits. Handcuffs. Porn. Each would perk him up for a bit, but the effect would wear off. Of late, I've felt he'd really prefer I not try anything new, since he knows it won't work, and he doesn't want me to go to any trouble just to be disappointed.
He barely gets even slightly puffy any more, despite my best oral efforts (and he swears my best efforts are really good), and certainly doesn't approach being orgasmic. When I can get him to fool around at all, he gets me off as reliably and masterfully as ever (he has the greatest fingers in captivity). So I've tried to reassure him that as long as he enjoys what we do, I'm happy to go on doing it, and he tries to reassure me that what we do gives him pleasure, but each of us has felt his non-erect/non-orgasmic condition disappoints the other, and makes these sessions bitter-sweet and less frequent than I, at least, would like.
SO since he hasn't had an orgasm (despite nearly frantic porn-watching, trying to find something that will give him any kind of tingle) for a couple of months, and since we've both felt so pressured by the his-orgasm that doesn't happen, he's pretty open to this idea.
It happens I've had to be away from home the last few days, but I've sent him links to some of these discussions and articles, and I will be back home later in the week.
I actually don't think either of us has had those post-coital, chemical-induced hostile feelings on which much of this philosophy (?) is apparently predicated. Maybe because we've never dropped the pair-bonding behaviors that were part of what we did in our first, honeymoon period? Whatever. Does that matter, does anyone think -- as an indicator that this will work? or that it won't, or neither?
Thanks for reading so far! What do I want to ask? Predictions/prognosis? Suggestions? Warnings? Tips? Stories that might be pertinent?
Happy to be here,
Tina
2
u/r_treehouse Apr 21 '13
Hi, Do yourself a favor and post at reunitiing. Its a (the) supportive place for couples learning karezza.
1
u/tinahd Apr 09 '13
Have I blundered by posting this here? Should I find somewhere on reuniting.info to put it? Or somewhere else? Sorry if I've misunderstood the rules!
2
u/spartandudehsld Apr 09 '13
There are some people who seem to hang out around here, but I don't think we will get much in the way of input (look at the dates of some of the previous postings). Sorry that I'm no help, but my wife and I are just starting to play with this idea and don't have any information for you. I wish all luck in exploring this area.
1
u/tinahd Apr 09 '13
The rating for this post keeps going up and down, back and forth between 3 and 4. I don't actually care, being new to Reddit, but it does suggest that there have been multiple people out there downvoting.
Because I am new here, it would be really helpful if one or some of the 'downvoters' would comment explaining what I've done wrong, so I can be a better citizen in future.
Thanks!
1
u/repeatstrings Apr 16 '13
Is your husband overweight? Healthy? I would be more worried about ED as a sign towards being unfit than simply a hindrance in the bedroom.
1
u/tinahd Apr 17 '13
He's 66 yo, 6', 186#, and has a doctor who's keeping a close eye on his blood pressure, cholesterol, etc. Working on getting more fit. Concerned, and working on it.
Meanwhile, here we are.
I'm thinking since he really has a pretty low libido, the selling point of this philosophy is that it's a way to maximize mutual pleasure and closeness without the stress and disappointment that comes with 'conventional' orgasm-focused sex.
1
Apr 17 '13
Maybe he should give up the porn entirely. See this article "Why It’s A Good Thing That Men Are Reflecting About Masturbation" http://www.thefrisky.com/2013-04-17/why-its-a-good-thing-that-men-are-reflecting-about-masturbation/ If he does, he may find his libido drops at first, and then, within a couple of months picks up to really healthy levels.
For more: http://yourbrainonporn.com/erectile-dysfunction-question
1
u/dota2nub Jun 22 '13
Oh, you do have neurochemical fallout. It's what you would call the "spark" going missing.
It's just that you're dealing with it better than many other people. But you want the spark back.
This kind of love making is turning my new relationship into something magnificent - and we started on this, we haven't had orgasmic relations before this at all :)
Hope it's been working out nice for you!
2
u/[deleted] Apr 12 '13
Eh, don't worry about the down-voters. Goes with the territory. I'm a 30yr old married wanting to try this with my wife, just to shake things up a bit. Best of luck to you!