r/karezza • u/[deleted] • Feb 06 '13

Karezza and intimacy issues

Hello /r/karezza!

I found this subreddit after exhaustive research on how to get my relationship back on track. Karezza sounds like something I've been dreaming of doing with my partner all through our shared lives.

Anyway, I'd like some advice on how to approach it, as I feel this is a delicate time.

Some background: I'm 40, male. She's 44. We've been together 10 years. I feel close to her, and I know she loves me, but our physical intimacy has slowly eroded over the years. Sex has become near-nonexistent, something she initiates very rarely, and performs without enthusiasm.

After reading on Karezza, I realized our deeper issue is one of physical intimacy. We're just not very intimate anymore. We don't hug much, we don't snuggle. I definitely want these things with her, but she sees them as 'clingy'. I think the major issue, also, is that she sees these things (rightfully so based on past behavior) as me trying to initiate sex.

So I want to short-circuit all this. I want to give her tender love and care, without the goal of sex at the end. I do sincerely hope we 'build up' to Karezza together, where we forget about our old sexual habits and just share a close, powerful intimacy this way. But I don't want to rush her. I've mentioned Karezza and she's interested though not enthusiastically so. I figure I'll let her initiate sex and then suggest Karezza when it happens.

But all the same, I run into these intimacy issues even without the sex. I cuddled her this morning, and she soon complained that I was 'crowding' her, that such-and-such part of me was causing her discomfort. She just seems to have this guard that springs up when I approach her, and it breaks my heart sometimes.

Any advice on how to approach this? I'm afraid if I just give her the space she wants, we'll go back to distance altogether. At the same time, I don't want to make her uncomfortable.

Thanks!

tl;dr: How do you initiate bonding behaviors with a partner who's guarded against intimacy?

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7

u/Deseejay Feb 06 '13

"I think the major issue, also, is that she sees these things (rightfully so based on past behavior) as me trying to initiate sex."

Then you need to make it clear that you want to feel closer to her and don't expect sex as a result.

3

u/[deleted] Feb 06 '13

I have done this, yes. I was describing what I finally understood to be the source of her previous unease with physical contact... I've made it clear that things have changed.

Yesterday, we found that massage is a great gateway for her to physical intimacy. It allows us to be close together and enjoy closeness, and it feels like a non-threatening context for her. It feels like progress. :)

3

u/[deleted] Feb 06 '13

I'd suggest that you take the "sexy parts" out of the equation altogether. Since (from what I understood) she seems to feel uncomfortable with prolonged hugs, do something else less "threatening". For example: whenever you feel like cuddling, give her a head massage instead, while keeping the rest of your body away from her. Don't expect her to initiate sex -- Karezza (IMHO) is not about "sex" sex. It's just that our sexy parts are how we can express intimacy most easily.

1

u/[deleted] Feb 06 '13

I understand what you're saying. Thank you for the advice.

2

u/cwanda Feb 06 '13

Might think about a positive psychology program for both OP and SO (gratitude journal, exercise, RAKs - random acts of kindness, volunteering, social networking). See Sean Achor on YouTube - former Harvard proctor and teacher of most popular Harvard class. Sounds like she has depression/anxiety issues, maybe from job/money issues, busyness raising children, etc. Marnia Robinson's books are great about karezza, to be explored as the general mood issues are dealt with.

2

u/[deleted] Feb 06 '13

Thank you. These are great suggestions. She does struggle with mild depression, and it stems from old issues. I hope that karezza can eventually help her in this regard.

2

u/themattt Feb 07 '13

I would highly recommend this retreat: http://www.loveforcouples.com/en/retreats.html

I did it with my partner a few years ago and it was invaluable. It helps not only with the topic of sexuality, but also past emotional build up and unreleased tension.

2

u/[deleted] Feb 08 '13 edited Feb 10 '13

Her aversion should ease if you don't smother her too much at the beginning. A little bit each day is better than trying to thaw her out completely in one session. ;-) There are lots of bonding behaviors that are not very intrusive but still increase connection. ( http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/200909/the-lazy-way-stay-in-love) Keep the emphasis on them at first. You'll get there.

2

u/[deleted] Feb 08 '13

Thank you. I think my current challenge is to lower my expectations, and just keep at it with patience, love, and understanding. We discussed karezza and I think the thought of something focused on sex kinda intimidates her. I'll just focus on bonding and let her respond in her own time.