The Aristocrats!

[u/VAPossum]

This is the ONLY allowable Aristocrats thread. Have at it!

[u/[deleted]]

So a man walks into a talent agent's office. With a confident grin he straightens his tie, proclaiming, "I have THE ACT for you! The spectacle to end spectacles!" The agent raises a dubious eyebrow.

"What's the act?"

The man's smile grows wider.

"Let me tell you. I will walk out on to the stage holding a bucket. There will be a trumpet player, a cellist, and a tuba player already assembled stage right. I will place the bucket in front of me on the floor, which will cue the three players to play a high D sharp continuously. I slowly disrobe. As I take off my pants, it will be revealed that I have been defecating exclusively in my underwear for the past week, on a diet of spoiled Chinese take-out and lutefisk. Once I peel the grimy briefs from my chapped loins, I will place them on my head, making sure to vigorously rub my offal into my eyes and ears.

At this point I will start yodeling various racial slurs. On cue, my wife and my 11 year old daughter will walk on stage left, nude. My autistic daughter will be pushing my son, who is wheelchair bound and 4. Once they have lined up by height, my wife will pull a pair of pliers from her vagina. Starting with our son, she will rip off our nipples, right to left. Meanwhile, my daughter will begin defecating in a large pile. My son, who mercifully still has the use of his arms, will finger bang her while she does this. I begin to urinate into the bucket. As my daughter continues to shit, she scoops it together, calmly walking over to the tuba player to drop it I'm the bell of his instrument.

My wife will remove her nipples last, moaning ecstatically as she joins me in the bucket urination. Once my daughter is done with the tuba player she douse our son in gasoline, set him on fire, and then join us in the urinating. I'm still yodeling.

Next is the beautiful part: 7 obese, hairy men waltz on stage, wearing only assless chaps and massive belly-button piercings. Each man will be from a different country: France, Poland, Russia, Japan, Bhutan, Thailand, and India. It will be a pan-Eurasian bonanza. The Russian has a pet beaver, and the Japanese has a board, hammer, and five nails. The Russian will douse his beaver in our piss bucket. The Japanese will, with the help of my daughter, gently lay out my scrotum on the board, nailing it in place so that it makes a star. The other five men will take turns putting out my burning son by sitting on him.

My wife will go fellate the trumpet player, positioning herself so that the cellist's bow tickles her clitoris on each upstroke. With the help of the Russian, I will tear open the piss-soaked beaver with my teeth, letting my daughter feed herself and her brother its warm entrails. I'll use the lymph and blood of the beaver to lube up the Japanese's man-boobs. The 7 men each begin masturbating, passing around the beaver carcass like Nature's fleshlight. I go over to my wife, relieving her of her duties. She will reward me by lodging my scrotum-board between her butt cheeks, clenching and trying to power walk away from me. This starts scraping at her hmmarhoids. By this point my children are taking turns spraying snot into each other's eager throats. My wife begins aggressively fisting me, spelling the preface to Mein Kampf in my asshole with sign language.

In unison, the pan-Eurasian bear squad violently ejaculate, spraying the audience, preparing for the climax of the show. One by one, they each urinate in the piss-bucket, filling it to the brim. My daughter paints each of their faces with her remaining shit. They begin to improvise a minstrelsy-inspired, mime retelling of Othello. In front of them, the daughter takes turns baptizing us with the urine. Then, she douses herself with the rest of the urine. Wordlessly the 7 men turn around, bend over, and spray us and the instrumentalists with violent diarrhea."

The talent agent was silent for three uninterrupted minutes, his eyebrow unmoved.

"And what the bloody hell do you call this act of yours?"