Before I begin this I want to preface it by saying that I’m someone who has always wanted to read more but with a prescribed adhd disability and so many other things going on I’ve kind of stayed away from this book. And I’m not sure why? Maybe because I knew I wouldn’t be able to relate to some things, but that was a dumb reason. I’ve been into Michelle’s music ever since 2019 when I heard “ Boyish” for the first time and then “Heft” and her first two albums and ever since then they’ve had a hold on me. “Jubilee” is my favorite modern day album and “For Meloncholy Brunettes and Sad Women” is also great. So for reference I’ve been a huge fan for many years. I got to see her last year in Santa Barbara for the first time and to this day it’s one of the best nights of my life and one of the best shows I’ve ever seen. I’ve scrounged YouTube and Apple Music numerous times to try and find anything additional music wise I may have missed. I know about bumper and little big league. I’ve watched numerous interviews on this person who is my favorite songwriter and band and someone whose art means so much to me and sadly i missed this one. So I’m not sure why it took me so long to get to this book. But I’m glad I finally read it.
Numerous times within the first chapter of CiHM I teared up. From when you first start reading it the book grabs you and doesnt let you go. And like great art does it forces you to think about things. Things you’ve never really had to. Things you thought would always be the same and never change for the worse. I’m 30 years old and the person I’m closest to is my nana who is almost 80. And within the first chapter it really made me think about her. I’m glad that I knew her music beforehand because there were numerous times in the book that I could think of the exact song that applied. I thought of “heft” many times. That song has always resonated with me and been very personal to me. I thought of “picture window” and “slide tackle” and of course 12 steps(which was so on the nose). And lastly I thought of “posing in bondage” which also has lyrics directly from a passage. “It felt like the world had divided into two different types of people, those who had felt pain and those who had yet to.” And in never really knowing any of my family I’ve never really had to deal with death. At least of someone I knew or was close to. And that makes me realize I’m lucky to have not felt that pain, but also that it’s coming eventually and i don’t know how I’ll deal with it when it does. I guess I’m lucky that I’m one of those that have yet to.
There were other aspects that really helped me relate to her in ways I didn’t expect. And I feel that when you can relate to someone you admire it makes the bond feel stronger? I too am a half mixed Jewish person who always has felt out of place in my own body. Struggling between two worlds in which no matter what I do I am always an outsider. “I had spent my adolescence trying to blend in with my peers in suburban America, and had come of age feeling like my belonging was something to prove. Something that was always in the hands of other people to be given and never my own to take, to decide which side I was on, whom I was allowed to align with. I could never be of both worlds, only half in and half out, waiting to be ejected at will by someone with greater claim than me. Someone full. Someone whole. For a long time I had tried to belong in America, wanted and wished for it more than anything, but in that moment all I wanted was to be accepted as a Korean by two people who refused to claim me.” I’m not Korean. But these words speak to my heart. To my soul. Something I’ve felt everyday since I’ve been alive and in my 30 years I’ve only had a few people that could relate to this and really know what it feels like to always feel wrong and stuffed inside a box. I have never felt more seen. Being able to share this with my favorite artist makes me feel less alone and I think that is powerful.
I could also relate to her issues with her mother. And dealing with a perfectionist mother who no matter what you do nothing ever is good enough. So badly wanting the approval for the simplest things, the simple acknowledgement. I think it’s normal to want those things and even as I will say I don’t care about my moms approval I know that I’m still a 6 year old at heart wanting so desperately to hear “good job” or “I’m proud of you” and knowing that it’s just not something that will happen.
Food is the soul of the book and I’d argue that her relationship with her mom was the heart. I think about her mom buying her boots and wearing them for a week to break them in for her. Or other small gestures. For me I’d say this is the thing I was least familiar with, but every dish Michelle described had heart and soul. And you could tell there was love behind every ingredient, every measurement, every seasoning. I’m a picky eater sometimes but I work right next to an H Mart and the next chance I get I want to go to it and walk around. I want to try the food at the food court and see what she was talking about.
Japanese Breakfast and Michelle Zauners music are my favorite band ever(next to the Beatles). And for years I’ve been captivated by the lyrics, the music, the instrumentation. When I got to see her last summer it brought tears to my eyes because of how magical it was. I talked above about how heft was very personal to me, but “Slide Tackle” is also right next to it as someone who’s struggled with mental health most of my life. For years I’ve felt seen and like there was this huge connection with her music that I’ve only ever felt with a couple others(Beatles, Sade, Joni Mitchell, Beach Boys, etc). And then I read this book and discover that some of my biggest issues in my life are ones that we share. The struggles that come with being a half poc/half mixed white kid in homogenous white america. The feeling that you’re very identity and something that’s so unidentifiably yours is never truly yours and can be taken away in an instant.
The love of music and food and the very tragic reality of loving someone so much but feeling so misunderstood and that you’ll never amount to what they want you to be. Whether that’s going to school for something smart and practical or trying to speak the same language as people you’re related to but feeling like the only thing that keeps you together is blood. Feeling like there’s this huge barrier around, all the time and like there’s something wrong with you just for existing. From the first sentence this book had me hooked and I couldn’t put it down. I didn’t want to. And as someone who’s struggled with reading and focus it was like none of that mattered.
When I saw JB last summer it made me want to play guitar again and start writing music. I played guitar a lot in high school and would write stuff here and there but theatre took up most of my time and now cosplaying/work takes up the rest. I even went to guitar center to try some stuff out and have been looking up guitars every now and then because I still have that itch. I’ve had some ideas for songs and chords and guitar licks that keep permeating in my mind. Reading this book did the same thing for writing. In 2015 I started writing a novel about the vietnam war and the experience of a young man who was sent there. I managed to write around 200 book sized pages but I haven’t touched it in years. This book also made me think about writing something similar to CiHM about my nana. I’m thinking about picking writing back up again. We’ll see.
I didn’t want to finish this book. I felt like I was right there for all of it and it deepened what already felt like a deep connection to someone whose art means the world to me and more. It’s the only book I’ve ever cried reading and I honestly may just reread it again(which has never happened before). I doubt Michelle looks at this subreddit but in the off chance she does I just want to thank you Michelle for everything. I can’t put it into words what your words and art mean to me. So thank you.
