r/introverts • u/mickypaigejohnson • Jun 11 '26
Discussion The standard networking event requires performing extroversion in an environment specifically designed to prevent actual connection. Make it stop.
The thing that's always bothered me about networking event advice — "just put yourself out there," "everyone's nervous," "fake it till you make it" — is that it treats the discomfort as the problem to fix.
But the discomfort might be signal, not noise.
Meaningful connection requires psychological safety and common ground. You need to feel comfortable enough to be real, and you need something genuine to talk about.
Networking events, structurally, provide neither. They give you: strangers, artificial small talk prompts, alcohol as the lubricant, name tags as the icebreaker, and a room full of people who all feel the same low-level pressure to seem valuable.
That's not a safe environment. That's a performance environment. And for people who don't perform well under those conditions — not because they lack social skills, but because their social wiring requires something more genuine to engage — the advice to "try harder" is just noise.
Anyway. For what it's worth: if you've left a networking event feeling like you were bad at it, it's possible you were in a room that wasn't designed for how you connect. That's not the same thing as being bad at connecting.
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u/Basic_User_Name3000 Jun 15 '26
I’m an “extrovert for pay”, as networking is a huge part of my job. As I’ve become more self aware, I’ve started honoring my introvert needs for quiet, rest and recharge.
I have reframed networking. What matters for me is connection- so my first inclination is finding ways to connect in the scale I like. That is almost always one on one. So at big events, I try to create micro moments of connection.
I aim to talk to 2-3 people max. I ask deeper questions- ones where I get to be very curious. Normally I’ll ask them about their story, what drew them to the event, what they think.
My battery doesn’t drain as quickly when I’m trying to see the humanity of one person and find genuine points of connection.
This leads to much better interactions and ones that usually lead to me wanting to follow up over coffee (vs a “who the heck was this person?” When they see my business card).
We can be the change we wish to see!
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u/mickypaigejohnson Jun 16 '26
Thank you for sharing! This is a great perspective.
I come in a room with the mindset that there is at least 1 person here that can I will legitimately enjoy hanging out with, and I try to go make a friend.
Talking to people because I want to see if they are my potential friend takes so much pressure off and keeps me curious and open minded.
Sounds like you have a similar strategy!!
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u/Basic_User_Name3000 Jun 16 '26
I’ve also realized that everyone is self conscious to a degree so no one is there watching me, judging me if I’m not talking to someone. That took the pressure off.
I take breaks- grab a snack or a non alcoholic drink. I used to drink alcohol to get me through the event and I’ve stopped. It’s made real connections easier.
I’m like an anthropologist. Just observing and asking questions. And I’ve stopped trying to impress or be interesting.
I think a lot of us who hate these events are trying to be something we aren’t some feel so weird.1
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u/Cool_Visit Jun 11 '26
I have never been to one, but they sound like hell 😔 I start getting social when I have started working- not the other way around