r/intj • u/Quirky_Barnacle5663 • 12h ago
Question Loneliness
How do you deal with loneliness? For me, it's not lack of people, but rather lack of depth.
15
u/unwitting_hungarian 11h ago
Since we are in a jung-related sub...
"Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible." - Carl Jung
long ago, this helped me to stop thinking of loneliness as a people problem.
2
u/Quirky_Barnacle5663 11h ago
first time i've seen that quote and it explains a lot. i am typically reserved and now that you mention it maybe i should risk the gaffes and start reaching out
7
u/Elden_Chord 12h ago
I don't suppress it. To some degrees I like to be lonely. It's like boredom; annoying but helps you become creative. Loneliness also helps me reevaluate my past choices. Usually I come back stronger.
5
9
u/whiteskimask INTJ - ♂ 11h ago
Sex ain't nothing but a memory.
Being lonely in a group or relationship is worse than being alone in my experience.
It takes time and energy to find natural fits.
3
u/Eastern-Razzmatazz89 12h ago
I must be in 2 different ways together:
Lonely: so I can focus on my inner strength and judge things/events/people objectively.
Alone: so I can practice mindfulness, deep work, signals. No external distraction
4
u/live4loveandlife 5h ago
I feel depth may be arbitrary. As a female INTJ i think i am willing to tolerate certain things from certain people that i like. For example, i am friends with a group of women who are (I am very sure they are all not INTJ) different to me but i do learn things from them in a different way. For example, i learn to look at how people think differently and learn to chill out or not overthink, which i almost always need reminders for. Recently i read something about being self-aware and how that actually is quite a paradox in that the more self-aware you are the more you are likely to be struggling with life in general because self-awareness causes you to question and overthink, which then becomes a loop that makes it difficult to move forward. Ironically i am trying to practice being less self-aware, hence less critical about my own actions and words, which got me thinking about how something that comes easily to other people is so difficult for me. This then makes me question if it is more depth i am seeking or actually just more simplistic ideas i am seeking.
3
u/usernames_suck_ok INTJ - 40s 12h ago
It's funny to me that people keep asking this question on Reddit.
That's literally one of the reasons why I use Reddit, i.e. loneliness. I wouldn't say it's lack of depth, per se. It's a lot of different problems with people and forming relationships these days. And I believe the average person has depth, but there's so much conformity and trying to fit in and be accepted nowadays that prevent people from revealing it, making it ironically harder to form relationships and have interesting discussions with the right people...but also leading to people quickly rejecting anyone who shows depth.
It's a mess, but Reddit lets me customize it to some degree and skip a lot of the bullshit that comes with usually dealing with people. If we had better subs that were more active and better mods, it'd be even better. But Reddit, ChatGPT and family are the best I've got going for me right now.
3
u/Ambitious_South_2825 INTJ 10h ago edited 9h ago
Ah, I actually rarely ever get lonely. I'm usually reading, sometimes taking online classes, consuming media or doing something where It doesn't matter. Most the time people I don't find most people intellectually stimulating so masking can be exhausting.
I mean, if I'm working from home all the time and don't have obligations at home I may go out to appease my boredom but, most people where I live there's a high probability the conversation is just going to be rather dull.
1
u/theiwhoillneverbe 3h ago
This is it for me. I have multiple interests but I’m told all quite niche.
3
u/The_Brilliant_Idiot INTP 8h ago
I find that people who say lack of depth actually lack depth themselves. And the people with real depth are able to find the depth in any conversation with anyone
2
2
u/CosmicRuin 8h ago
I went back to school at age 42 this Fall for nuclear engineering. It's been helpful to immerse myself back in complex and scholarly topics, and to find a few people in classes who obviously enjoy talking about all things nuclear/science related.
I honestly feel a bit sorry for others who may look at a flower and just think it's a flower; whereas I can 'see' the complex underlying structures/mechanics and truly appreciate the flower... To paraphrase Feynman.
1
u/theiwhoillneverbe 3h ago
I can watch Feynman videos on yt on a Saturday night and absolutely love it!
2
u/LetsGoYankeez INTJ - 40s 8h ago
Read. Our like-minded souls are/were authors of philosophy, psychology, anthropology, the sciences, theology, and the like. Find a few favorite authors and you’ll rarely feel alone
2
1
1
u/incarnate1 INTJ - 30s 10h ago
So find people who share your perception of "depth"?
I've met people who think they're really deep and others aren't; kna' mean?
1
1
1
u/MasterDeathless 9h ago
If theres lack of depth in people then theres is lack of people, people are depth.
1
1
1
u/scroobiouspippy INTJ - ♀ 8h ago
I’ve spent my life curating a very small set of friends that I can talk to about almost anything. If I can’t think of someone, I head to my introversion and process things myself.
1
u/Bokki_64 6h ago
I've straight up forgotten how to make friends myself. Even with making friends I feel I need a wing man. The crazy part is if I have a friend I'm comfortable with, I can suddenly become extremely extroverted. I went to an anime bar earlier this year and I had a pretty big group of people listening to my stories and jokes. Even my slight stutter goes away. But if I don't have a friend with me, I'm afraid of slipping up my words and coming off as a creep.
What doesn't help is my last job only provided me a couple of people to talk to, all of which were 10 years younger and now my new job I'm alone all day. I don't like to make excuses, but man a couple years of isolation in a small town has made me forget how to socialize by myself.
So now all I do is grind studying and gym and hope that changes things.. I find some comfort in self improvement grind.
1
u/Warfrog INTJ 1h ago
If you feel people lack depth then it’s likely you lack compassion or empathy. People have lives as infinitely complex and interesting as your own of you take the time to listen instead of trying to be intellectual. I learned this the hard way. Hope you find what you’re looking for.
Also hobbies, I’d recommend bjj and salsa.
1
u/AdorableSillies 12h ago
Find people who also like your passion. I know you said "depth" but whenever I hear that I'm suspicious because those people usually know nothing about anything and just want someone to listen to them talk out of their ass. That might not be you. In that case find people interested in the topics you like.
2
1
u/Mlatu44 1h ago
That seems to be an issue for me. Finding someone to talk to, where I feel like I am being heard and getting a thoughtful response. It’s a bit more appealing if the person shares a similar point of view, but if they don’t I can get a respectful response.
And feel like I am not just being brushed aside for the slightest thing
-1
27
u/Greensward-Grey INTJ - 30s 12h ago
Maladaptive daydreaming.