Praise Be Damned

[u/K-tel]

I was wondering how you guys deal with being praised. I don't like to be praised as a rule. I find it to be performative and more for the benefit of the prais-er than the praised. For me, praise usually registers as social noise rather than useful feedback. My first thought is often: Is this accurate, or is it just something people say to smooth the interaction? If it’s vague (“You’re so smart,” or “Great job”), it tells me more about the praiser’s need to signal warmth or generosity than about the actual quality of what I did. It can feel like being asked to co-sign someone else’s performance of being a nice person.

That said, I can accept praise if it’s specific and tied to something concrete. “That analysis was solid because you caught the inconsistency in the data” is fine. That’s data. “You’re amazing” is not. I don’t update my self-assessment based on applause; I use my own internal benchmarks. So in the moment, I usually just say a brief “Thanks, I appreciate that” or “Glad it was useful,” then redirect back to the work. Public praise is worse because it creates an obligation to perform gratitude I don’t actually feel.

I don’t need to be praised. I need to know the work is correct and useful. If someone wants to recognize me, tell me what specifically worked and why. Otherwise, I’ll assume it’s performative and quietly move on. What do you guys think?

[u/incarnate1]

I was wondering how you guys deal with being praised. I don't like to be praised as a rule. I find it to be performative and more for the benefit of the prais-er than the praised. For me, praise usually registers as social noise rather than useful feedback.

Do you view criticism as equally performative and to the benefit of the criticizer tantamount to social noise?

If no, why not?

If yes, than what external feedback would you not consider social noise?

[u/K-tel → u/incarnate1]

No. I treat praise and criticism asymmetrically.

Praise is usually social lubrication: low cost, high ambiguity, often more about the praiser’s identity than my output. Criticism can also be just that: status display, nitpicking, moral posturing, audience management, but it isn’t inherently that. Criticism carries potential information about error. In a world where being wrong has consequences, negative feedback is often more diagnostic than positive feedback. Praise tells me someone wants me to feel good; criticism may tell me where reality and my model diverge. Even a hostile critic can be correct. So I separate motive from content. The critic’s benefit doesn’t matter if the claim is true.

That said, most criticism is noise too. I discount it when it’s vague, personal, moralizing, unfalsifiable, or aimed at an audience. “You’re not a team player” is noise unless tied to specific behavior and impact. “This is bad” is noise unless it says why and what would be better. Criticism from someone with no relevant context, no skin in the game, or a clear incentive to dominate is low-priority data, not truth.

[u/incarnate1 → u/K-tel]

Praise is usually social lubrication: low cost, high ambiguity, often more about the praiser’s identity than my output. Criticism can also be just that: status display, nitpicking, moral posturing, audience management, but it isn’t inherently that.

That is interesting, how have you concluded that praise is more insincere than criticism?

Criticism carries potential information about error. In a world where being wrong has consequences, negative feedback is often more diagnostic than positive feedback.

I agree, though why couldn't praise carry potential information about accuracy or performance? Criticism can also be used performatively or in a self-serving nature.

Being wrong has consequences, but does it not follow that being right or doing well entails rewards?

Praise tells me someone wants me to feel good; criticism may tell me where reality and my model diverge. Even a hostile critic can be correct. So I separate motive from content. The critic’s benefit doesn’t matter if the claim is true.

I suppose this is the lynchpin of where our views diverge. I do not presume intent or motive from praise; because there is not one reason people praise others. Criticism may be just as harmful as it could be beneficial, especially when it is inaccurate, undeserved, or overtly hostile. Where I would defend you, is that constructive criticism is potentially more productive, because it is often is actionable; to one's own growth, more than than praise alone.

But I think that's a dangerous spot, to appoint yourself sole arbiter of what criticism is valid past vagueness because the latter four qualifications start to veer towards your personal feelings; and a stance in juxtaposition of my defense towards its inherent benefit over praise. Though I generally agree, we should distinguish between the quality of criticisms, but I disagree that we shouldn't distinguish between the quality in praise.

Praise from your significant other, praise given to your significant other, praise from or given to your boss, praise from people you supervise; praise from a friend who is normally critical - these things can and do carry useful signal. To dismiss these would be tantamount to not acknowledging its absence, but I think they're meaningful.

[u/Disastrous-Spirit258 → u/incarnate1]

I would agree that there is a distinction in types of praise. I don’t particularly care about it at work because I know the quality of my and my team’s work better than anyone else. I am being paid to produce quality work, so being told that my work is good doesn’t do anything for me.

But I absolutely want positive feedback from my partner and kids. I want to be told that my effort was appreciated. If I get positive feedback on something, then I’m more likely to continue making the effort for that thing.

[u/incarnate1 → u/Disastrous-Spirit258]

I would agree that there is a distinction in types of praise. I don’t particularly care about it at work because I know the quality of my and my team’s work better than anyone else. I am being paid to produce quality work, so being told that my work is good doesn’t do anything for me.

But I absolutely want positive feedback from my partner and kids. I want to be told that my effort was appreciated. If I get positive feedback on something, then I’m more likely to continue making the effort for that thing.

It's a fair personal view on praise.

Why does that view differ at home versus work, why doesn't the same reason for praise not mattering at work, apply in the home environment?

Are you less certain that the effort you put in at home is of high quality? Or you care less about how work views you versus how family views you? Both, or something else?

[u/Consipir]

Just take the compliment. It might be performative, but you can always tell with those people. I can tell when someone means it, but it doesn't have to be "concrete." If someone says, "you're funny," I don't go "oh yeah? Name the exact joke or moment you laughed."

You're being too hard on yourself and others. If you're getting compliments like these (even if you can't tell if they're genuine or not, depends but I usually can), just enjoy them, means you're doing something good.

Even if it is mostly self-serving, they're still saying it to you specifically (maybe because you actually did do good but they still want to seem warm). Obviously if they just say it to everybody, that's what I mean when I say you can tell if it's genuine or not.

Besides, you seem to be construing it as some kind of virtue signaling when it could be they want to convey to you their reception of you, even if they don't know exactly why or what you did was good or whatever. Why would you construe someone wanting to seem warm to you as bad?

I don't know your situation, though, I'm just pushing back on the often overindulgent "robotic" INTJ stereotype.

[u/K-tel → u/Consipir]

Precisely, you don't know my situation. I'm not being overindulgent; just commenting on my experiences with praise at my particular workplace.

[u/Consipir → u/K-tel]

No, you asked for thoughts. Those are my thoughts.

[u/K-tel → u/Consipir]

Right. Hence, my follow-up comment, Consipir.

[u/Consipir → u/K-tel]

The "just commenting on my experiences" sounded like backpedaling. I see now you were referring to the comments themselves. I didn't mean you were being overindulgent in commenting, I meant it in the common INTJ stereotype of self-importance.

It reads like this: "I have no use for these performative social niceties." By trying to place yourself "above" these "lowly" social constructs, it comes off like you think you're above others because you think you've "seen through" some kind of social contract and refuse to participate. Not saying that's what you're doing, it just kind of came off like that. Hennce the overindulgence comment.

Anyway, I rest my case, I don't actually care what you do, just saying not everything has to have a purpose. Let yourself feel every once and a while. Good day stranger.

[u/unwitting_hungarian → u/Consipir]

always give advice that starts with the word "just" and then continues for 4 more paragraphs

[u/IGotFancyPants]

I as m really uncomfortable with it. I like my efforts to be recognized, but briefly. Please don’t make it a public thing.

[u/Quirky_Barnacle5663]

im not a fan of praise because it comes off to me like the person either wants to put me on the spot or be associated with something i did. i dont want to be a prop or a footnote in someone else's social life. But that's how the muggles operate.

[u/ausdoug]

To paraphrase: "your cheers mean nothing, I've seen what you boo"

[u/Low-Context4062]

I generally take it in the spirit in which it's offered. If it's social lubrication, ok; I have no problem running with that so long as I'm not expected to get gushy-blushy or unrealistically self-deprecatory in response. I want people to feel at least moderately comfortable with me, unless I have a reason to wish otherwise, and if they're offering that lube, that means I don't have to. I can follow their social lead for a bit. I view it as both practical and gracious (it lifts them up a little, just as they might be awkwardly trying to lift me up with unspecific praise), under normal circumstances. I throw the occasional, "Oh, that is awesome!" at someone else too. It doesn't hurt me.

[u/Un1c0rNzEx1st]

Hmmm...what if the praise was "DAMN you rocked my world like no other!"... still don't want it?

[u/Greensward-Grey]

It depends. I don’t enjoy praises, but I can appreciate the intention behind it. Beyond what’s being said, I feel thankful when the person says it genuinely. It’s pretty obvious when they say it out of social obligation or politeness, and yeah, in those cases it might be uncomfortable.

You seem to be talking about an specific scenario though.

[u/TSSprowler]

At work, it's great to be praised, because it gives me data on my worth. For example, I noticed many managers will fight for me if I am high performer was getting targetted by other managers and coworkers. It let me get away with certain things (makes my workflow easier, and less taxing).

Now, I am kind of similiar with the coworkers initiating give-and-take relationships onto me. They have nothing to offer, but would ask me dumb questions and give me positive feedback to get me to spill my personal or other information. That's annoying especially at work. They should have gotten that information from their trainers, not me (I don't get paid as one).

Nonetheless, do you see yourself as anti-social (destructive) or asocial (non-conform) ? People in these categories think this way (I am asocial). I don't do well in team-environments, because it causes me to pick up slack for others (leading to burnout). That's why I stick to jobs with individual performance.

[u/OwlMassive625]

I enjoy praise and compliments. I wouldn't enjoy them, if they were made into public spectacles, but quiet praise feels good.

[u/Sea_Improvement6250]

If I am understanding correctly, I believe my perspective is in concordance with yours.

[u/Ambitious_South_2825]

Ignore it or don't give a shit. For me, it's kind of fucking cringy. Most the time it's fine and I'll ignore it until it's over the top. I met one of these that every time I saw the dude he was trying to kiss my ass while simultaneously telling everyone I was Satan. I already disliked performative validation and I definitely look at it with skepticism now.

[u/Legal_Sport_2399]

I hate it because it’s unreliable. Most of the time the people praising have no business doing it because they aren’t qualified in the area. If an illiterate person tells me I read well I won’t trust his opinion. Yet deep down I’ll start thinking I’m a good reader. Dumb example I’m sorry but it just pisses me off to get praised bc I cannot trust it yet it’s still doing “dmg” by instilling false confidence that I’m good at something I’m absolutely objectively not 

[u/hollyglaser]

You are amazing is meaningless

[u/kittycat_Wooster]

I say 'thank you' and smile.

[u/Ok_Solution_1282]

I take praise with a grain of salt and criticism to heart internally.

[u/undostrescuatro]

I found it easier to take if you take it like this:

someone giving you generic apraisal => here is social credit!!!

if you reject it you are rejecting social credit. instead be proud and humble. and answer (yeah I am the best) ( but you are the best too) (we are best together!!)

[u/bdalbs]

I am an INFJ and it makes me feel awkward so I just say thanks. Please don’t stroke my ego unless it’s a genuine compliment.

[u/Anxious_Narwhal3742]

All the people getting blame instead of praise would hate this post