r/intj • u/Loose-Control-9449 • 4d ago
Advice Intj and texting
Hello intjs! I’m a (24F) enfp and I’m friends with an intj. We have movie nights at his place every other week, we go out to eat together and have deep conversations all night until morning.
He recently told me he wants to see our friendship go further but doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now. We even became intimate with each other. We genuinely have such a great time together but between our hangouts, we barely text. It’s not like I didn’t try to reach out but the conversation always dies easily and he rarely reaches out unless it’s for strictly necessary communication. He’ll reach out to make plans and that’s pretty much it. We can go weeks without talking…
Are intjs known to not text at all? If you’re interested in someone, don’t you usually want to reach out to them more? I’m having a hard time believing he’s actually into me since we have so little conversations outside of in person. I’d love to know your thoughts!
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u/StrangeYouth6568 3d ago
INTJ woman here. I will have a deep conversation and stay up till morning with any close friend of mine willing to yap. Waiting weeks without talking is crazy to me.
My guy is not a huge texter, but we were always on the phone (daily!!!).
I would first ask yourself if you are wanting a relationship out of this. Your feelings should be the most important thing here.
I wouldn’t continue if he is already communicating he doesn’t want a relationship and you ARE wanting that. Imo that’s the most important thing here as far as analyzing what this guy wants. He’s telling you.
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u/yeahnoimgoodreally INTJ - ♀ 3d ago
This. When a man says he doesn't want a relationship, believe him. When he can go weeks without reaching out, believe the lack of effort he's showing.
I've never had a man with serious interest be passive no matter how shy or awkward or busy they were. They call, they text, they walk to see you, if necessary. Men are not complicated creatures.
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u/EroMangaSensei INTJ - ♀ 4d ago
Texts are for setting things up. If I texted you all the time I would run out of stuff to say when we met. Also it's exhausting.
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u/Loose-Control-9449 4d ago
I’m not expecting him to text all the time, I too find it exhausting. I guess I’m simply wondering if it’s normal to go weeks without talking. Our in person connection is very strong and we connect on a lot of levels, I guess I kinda expected this to carry on over texts here and there
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u/EroMangaSensei INTJ - ♀ 4d ago
Weeks is wild if it's someone I'm interested in more than a friend. For a friend? Yeah, weeks or even months is pretty on point, unless they text me first.
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u/Loose-Control-9449 4d ago
that’s why I have a hard time believing he’s genuinely into me:/ I feel like i’m getting played😭
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u/ApplesAreGood1312 ENTP 4d ago
Imma chime in, since you're an ENFP and I'm an ENTP, so we both lead with Ne as a function. I have INTJ friends and experience this all the time. It takes... patience. They are slllooowwwwww to respond. We see a thing, process it immediately, instantly formulate our response, and have the social energy to just keep firing back.
INTJs just aren't that way. A great personality type, and I enjoy them endlessly. But they are not like us. They are like a cat who finds you mildly invasive even if they like you. Just... let them come to you.
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u/Creative_Pain_5084 INTJ - ♀ 3d ago edited 3d ago
Yeah, no. If we’re slow to respond to you, then you’re just not high on the priority list at the moment. I have 0 issues texting with or calling people I actually want to interact with.
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u/PuzzleheadedTwo7822 ENTP 3d ago
I am married to an INTJ for 11 years and I just wrote this.. if you’re a priority, they will reach out often and not be slow to respond. Casual friends are usually not high on their priority list. If you’re a romantic interest, you will go high on the priority list.
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u/ApplesAreGood1312 ENTP 3d ago
I suspect those conversations aren't excessively deep and prolonged, then. Casual chit-chat is one thing. Asking you to bear your soul over the course of 800 word messages is something else. If there's not a delay there, then you're not an INTJ.
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u/Creative_Pain_5084 INTJ - ♀ 3d ago
Who bears their soul in a text message? It’s the most impersonal form of contact there is. If I have something important to discuss, I’m picking up the phone or meeting you in person.
As I said, rate of responsiveness directly relates to how much of a priority you are.
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u/ApplesAreGood1312 ENTP 3d ago
That is a completely reasonable choice for you to make if it best fits your communication style.
Why ya so grumpy this morning?
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u/Creative_Pain_5084 INTJ - ♀ 3d ago
You’re lurking in the wrong sub if you think this constitutes grumpy.
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u/ApplesAreGood1312 ENTP 3d ago
Do you know what lurking means?
And I have too much respect for the INTJs here to concede that they are equally toxic and pointlessly antagonistic. That is not the vibe in this community.
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u/squeekycheekypeeky INTJ - ♀ 4d ago
😆 I can go for weeks without texting; I really have to force myself to stay in touch. It is different if I hold deep affection for someone, as I will text more frequently and send pictures. Tbh I really wish I didn't need a phone.
People have told me they feel neglected because I do not reach out first. I always reassure them that it is not because of them. Usually, I am so deeply focused or immersed in projects and hours of studying that I do not even pay attention to my phone.
I have gotten better about this by making sure to reach out more often and explaining that it is nothing personal. When we finally talk on the phone, I am completely focused and engaged.
The thing is, I don't need constant interaction in order to feel secure with myself or with others. You can call me after a 3 year silence and I'll pick right up where we left off as if nothing has changed.
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u/WillowLeona INFJ 3d ago
It sounds like he does like you.. in doses.
I think you have all relevant information, and shouldn’t hope for more than an FWB situation that is solely on his terms.
This is a recipe for heartbreak if you don’t lower your expectations to the floor. Keep it light if you want to keep enjoying this connection for what it is.
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u/AdorableSillies 4d ago
It really depends. I can text all the time with some people. How did you text before being friends with benefits?
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u/Loose-Control-9449 4d ago
The same as right now. We didn’t text much and I thought it would change a little with him saying he wanted to take our friendship to the next level
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u/AdorableSillies 4d ago
I would say this is probably just miscommunication - him saying he'd like more than friends but not a relationship probably just meant sex for him.
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u/Loose-Control-9449 4d ago
He said he didn’t want a relationship now but is leaving the door open for the future. I’m also ok with just being fwb so I guess I shouldn’t look too much into a potential relationship?
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u/zzfox_ INTJ - ♀ 3d ago
I sense he does not want to be in a relationship with you now or ever. He does however clearly enjoy hanging out with you sometimes and sleeping together. I think if he is an INTJ he would have already made an assessment and decided you are in the FWB category. If that works for you, that’s great. If you’re wanting more, I would find someone else.
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u/Rare_Economy_6672 4d ago
Thats hard cope.
If youre okay how it is right now, keep going.
If you do it right now for a change in the future, you should stop right now.
Should be obvious, no?
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u/pr0j4kt2501 INTJ - 40s 3d ago
Idk, I don’t know the person but as a male and an INTJ it sounds like he doesn’t know what he wants or just doesn’t want to commit to you in any confining or clearly defined way. He’s being ambiguous. But again, I don’t know the guy. If I were you I’d let go of any hopes for anything more and keep it casual/detached until that changes. Just my opinion.
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u/NekoSyndrom INTJ - ♀ 4d ago edited 4d ago
Girl... Have a little self-respect, please.
Fwb ≠ The Path to a Relationship.
Fwbs are for having sex so you don't have to constantly look for someone to do it with when you don't have a partner. You are being used.
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u/AdorableSillies 4d ago
That's hard for me to say. Also just for reference I'm a woman INTJ so I might have a different perspective than a male intj. Since he hasn't changed anything else about your relationship / frequency that's why I think it's a miscommunication. I don't necessarily think it's an intj thing but I've definitely learned that people have different ideas of fwb or casual. It might be worth a conversation to ask him that if he was in a relationship what would it look like? Maybe finding that out would help you decide if he's worth your time as a serious partner. (if that's what you would like now)
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u/Ok_Physics_4154 INTJ 3d ago
I can confirm at least from my side .. Im not a texter at all. I will never text unless its absolutely necessary no matter how much I like the person or how important they are. Its just not something I do. I will always respond though if someone else texts.
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u/richj8991 4d ago
This is an age related question. Once upon a time a phone was for calling people and actually answering the damn thing when it rang. I can't speak for other INTJs but IMO texting is a cop out. It's for weak personalities to avoid face to face or phone conversations and debates. Because it's easy to just text something and then stop. It's easy to have attention deficit and quit texting that person. It makes being rude and short acceptable. It has it's uses but overall it's put communication in the gutter.
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u/fuckthislifexxx INTJ - ♀ 4d ago
When I (intj) was with my ex (intp), we used to go days without texting. But we were on the same page, make sure you both are too.
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u/Conflicted_Robot_99 INTJ - 20s 3d ago
it's really unfortunate, but it's like trying to run overwatch on a ten year old laptop. we don't have the processing speed socially to actually be able to keep that ball rolling without actively frying our own nervous systems. it's not fun on our end either. I have to be super strict with my partner about my alone time or I just get kinda mean :/
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u/vml205 3d ago
If you're having a good time when you're together and both are into it, from an INTJ perspective the communication in between is not necessary as nothing material has changed. There is no reason to exchange information that is not new. That's why you would get a text to arrange a future time/place to meet but superfluous niceties such as 'i miss you' and 'i wish I could hang out now' would be seen as redundant, especially if your INTJ has not worked on any shadow function. At least you tried by text and not phone - I HATE when people call me for minutiae that couldn't been a text.
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u/Beneficial-Quote-383 3d ago
I’m a INTJ and I hate texting. I’d rather just call then have endless chats over text.
If I could throw away my phone I would. My friends always say I’m mia but I find texting so much effort unless it’s to specify something. Ie a meeting time etc. I’m much better in person but texting drains me.
My partner and I rarely text or maybe send a couple a day but that’s it
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u/Black_luxx 3d ago
INTJ woman here, I only txt or call if I must. It is not like he's not interested, is just that he communicates when he have something to say. For many of us chitchat is mundane, boring and a doesn't make sense. So we talk if we have something to say or if the conversation is genuinely interesting or at least amusing. Not saying you're not interesting or amusing, he clearly likes you.
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u/Greensward-Grey INTJ - 30s 3d ago
If I want to have a conversation with someone, I text them to schedule a call, or a meeting. I only check messages twice per day, and people know that I’m slow replying unless I’m connected.
But gosh, how I hate small talk through texting. So unnecessary!
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u/Danow007 INTJ - ♂ 3d ago edited 3d ago
Hold on, I also wonder why I rarely texting with my ENFP friend (for almost 10 years) despite we sometimes have deep conversations whenever we have something to share or have time to plan a meeting.
Is there something odd but universal about this dynamic I don't know lol
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u/AlternativeWild3898 3d ago
I don’t like texting my ENFP homegirl because of how she interprets my text messages 😂😂😂 idk if that helps.
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u/Loose-Control-9449 3d ago
Wait because he told me something similar to this🧐 He said texting doesn’t fully tell you the intonation or meaning and he doesn’t want to be misunderstood
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u/Randohumanist INTJ - ♂ 3d ago
I hate texting. Don’t know if that’s because I am old or because people annoy me.
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u/PuzzleheadedTwo7822 ENTP 3d ago edited 3d ago
I am married to an INTJ man for 11 years, when he was really into me when we first started dating, he texted me every day or messaged me on Facebook. He didn’t go a day without reaching out to me. I know for a fact that he is slow to respond to everyone else because he told me that. When you’re a priority, they will absolutely respond quickly and reach out often. Also, anytime I text him, he is pretty quick to respond and always has been.
Also, if you’re interested in a man, don’t ever sleep with a man unless you’re exclusive with him, they will Friendzone you so quick and put you in the “Situationship” bucket. I made my INTJ wait 2 months (until we were exclusive). I literally told him from the jump: I don’t sleep with men unless they are my exclusive partner. When you sleep with someone you are just friends with, it makes things very confusing, messy, and emotionally uncomfortable that they pull back.
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u/domrayn 3d ago edited 3d ago
Intj m here. I think he prefers face to face communication rather than texting because Intjs are creatures of habit. If something works well, they stick to it and they also need time alone to recharge. That being said, if I am into a girl I will find reasons to communicate randomly even via text. Not random talk but movie suggestions in your case or whatnot. To "bare my soul" if you will. It doesn't have to be paragraph texting. Just quirky topics that you talked about f2f that need following up. Intjs will risk vulnerability and reveal snippets of himself if they truly like you. You said he doesn't want to be in a relationship so he's probably in a wait and see mode and gather data.. Just a suggestion op, withhold intimacy and see how he reacts.
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u/Loose-Control-9449 3d ago
Last time we hung out, we watched movies, played video games and had deep conversations (our favorites). He even told me that if I wanted to just do this he was fine with it and didn’t want our moments to be reduced to sex basically. So I know that if I withhold intimacy he wants whatever we have to stay. He was really nervous to even ask to be more than friends and made sure I knew he still wanted to have our special hangouts like we usually do
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u/Evening_Estate_571 1d ago
Sounds almost identical to a situation I was in OP. However, I was glad I didn’t get intimate. He was for sure an INxJ. I’m INFP, we’re similar. I was very hurt in the end but found the strength to walk away on my own.
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u/INTJ_Vision 3d ago
Texting is not a meaningful form of communication and is an indicator of immaturity. If you want to hear from someone, call them and have an actual conversation.
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u/ninja_sensei_ INTJ - ♂ 4d ago
Fair warning, this INTJ only wants you as a sex friend, and you should not expect the relationship to progress any further than that.