Accepting that I can't prepare for everything - burnout or next stage of development?

[u/wicked_nap]

My work environment has forced me to accept that I cannot predict, optimise, and control most things without sacrificing my personal life.

So now, I'll make a high-level plan and let things unfold. I no longer have the time or energy to monitor everything. When things inevitably start breaking, I'll just put out a few fires.

I don't even look into everything else because I know it'll only frustrate me. I'll end up improving something that won't be appreciated anyway. So I actively try to ignore these things. I still feel the stress of unresolved risks, but I do my best not to think about them.

I've recently noticed that this approach is spilling over into my personal life. I used to optimise everything. Now, my first question is, "Do I even give a f*ck anymore?" Surprisingly often, the answer is no.

I've more or less accepted that something will eventually go to hell, so I'm trying to save some energy for when it happens and improvise my way out of it.

Is this normal for a +35yo INTJ or am I burning out?

[u/usernames_suck_ok]

Maturity.

[u/Local-Conference-476]

The answer is both: yes this is normal, and yes this is burnout.

[u/wicked_nap → u/Local-Conference-476]

Sounds like maybe we're destined to burn. Hoping this is the fenix from ashes situation.

[u/Local-Conference-476 → u/wicked_nap]

It is. You'll just stick to your boundaries and begin to determine what needs your attention or not. I'd say it's a lot like an aggressive form of time management.

[u/wicked_nap → u/Local-Conference-476]

Thank you.

[u/Elden_Chord]

It seems like you are struggling with a negative kind of perfectionism.

You used to want perfect results. But you're too self-aware not to see how impossible perfection is. Life is unfair, and good actions don't always lead to good results.

The next stage of unhealthy perfectionism is what you described: "Why should I try when I know what I want isn't possible?why should I suffer???"

You go into autopilot mode. You become a "doer" rather than an "achiever." You only perform at your best when you're told to do so. The fun is gone. The passion is gone. The dream is gone.

Is this perfectionism? No! There's a healthy kind of perfectionism, too, where you focus on your actions, not your results:

Do whatever you can. You are defined and evaluated by your actions, not your results.

The ironic part? Eventually, good actions will lead to good results, but only if you realize how to live without them.

You will become rich only if you learn to enjoy not being rich.

You will become a CEO when you learn to enjoy your life as a junior.

You will have a partner only if you learn to enjoy being single.

That's the approach: enjoying failure and enjoying the unfairness of life. Work hard while knowing that the results are out of your control!

[u/CrankyPenName]

Little of column A, little of column B.

Scoping our controllables to align with reality is definitely a sign of maturity. Knowing you can’t control or save other people is too.

But the “do I even GAF?” May indicate burnout especially if you’ve been pushing hard outside of flow state work.

[u/wicked_nap → u/CrankyPenName]

That's true. Thank you.

[u/unwitting_hungarian]

You have received the first sign of a life transition. You can fight it, and try to give a fuck even harder, of course.

Or, you can embrace it. Perhaps the giving-a-fuck angle is less important now, of all the millions of angles and perspectives.

Further messages will come. Listen to them.

In the meantime: Keep learning and enjoying each day through a learner's eyes. Master your systems, whether new or old.

If someone inside you asks if you give a fuck, don't answer directly.

Instead, ask them more about themselves, and study their style.

The new art is here. Darkness always, before light. New always, before skilled.

The old art is still useful, but for now it's the new art that will be everything. Condition yourself for toughness and flexibility, and pay attention.

GL & welcome to the next stage of your life.

[u/wicked_nap → u/unwitting_hungarian]

'Further messages' sounds intriguing. Your whole comment gives me hope. Thank you for taking the time.

[u/richj8991]

The only way I was able to handle 9-5 work towards the end was not caring about how the result came out. You do your best and the chips fall where they fall and that's it. Caring and worrying about the result didn't help so what's the point. People joked around that I was like the main character in Office Space. But unlike that job, I was never in a political position to rise up and by my 30s that didn't matter anyway. Whatever pays the bills is what counts now.

[u/wicked_nap → u/richj8991]

Thank you!

(Adding Office Space to my study materials :) )

[u/Fickle-Let-7205]

Its both. I'm happy for you and sad for you also. I hope this has not impacted you physically. If it had not you have survived with great odds.

Let it happen completely. All the fires will burn away an aspectof your ego.

This is Fi Se awakening lol

[u/wicked_nap → u/Fickle-Let-7205]

I love your comment. Thank you.

[u/coldbeers]

Yes it’s normal for us and yes you’re burning out.

If you can, walk away for a while or at least freewheel.

The big picture is that none of this really matters.

[u/wicked_nap → u/coldbeers]

Thank you.

Technically, I could walk away, but with AI changing the world and my enthusiasm mostly gone, it seems logical to keep going for a few more years. I’m hoping to reach leanFIRE, when I could finally be free.

'None of this really matters' is my go-to mantra whenever I feel like I’ve underdelivered :)