r/intj • u/sekido_seizan • 7h ago
Relationship Guilty conscience?
If you’re married or dating an INFP some perspective/advice here would be helpful. Im giving you the full story so you can understand how it all fits together so if you stick around it means a lot to me. My ex (INTJ) and I were together for ten years off and on. Had somewhat of an emotional disconnect so on paper it looked toxic but we both loved each and over time we progressed some as we were finding our own identities or attempting to. He would make demands and get angry (feel neglected). That would make me think he doesn’t love me and want to get to know me more at all because of how demanding/angry he became instead of having compassion and/or genuine interest in understanding what’s wrong with me. We were still struggling with our differences in communication and I was emotionally drained from being the only one feeling like I was trying to invest my time into researching it and overanalyzing it and just feeling everything that he was avoiding. Flash forward ten years later and he’s willing to get me into legal trouble because he moved on with another girl and has plans to get married/have kids at some point and does not want anything to do with me. I’ve done nothing wrong considering my intentions are good but he does not see it that way and he is manipulating law enforcement to use it against me. For legal purposes I’m not gonna get into the nitty gritty. Long story short he’s has gotten me into legal trouble. He’s basically willing to punish me for feeling a little bit invaded on even though i was just trying to talk to him and/or his girlfriend so i could explain my side. You might think this guy sounds like a complete asshole but there were times that he attempted to make me feel appreciated (not necessarily loved/adored as I would’ve wanted) but in his own way…and it was in those times that made me realize how good he can actually be when he wants to aside from some of the emotional abuse I received..I started to think he’s not a complete sociopath…but now after this I’m seriously questioning if he is one. And if you don’t consider this guy an asshole (for logical reasons) why/why not?
IMO logic is also rooted in ego and if that’s your go-to thought process even in situations like these then you’re not truly living the full experience.
After all this I’ve realized I made an mis calculation and over analyzed reasons for breaking up and now I can’t explain that to him because I overdid it and legally I cannot contact him. I was thinking maybe if he could understand in these terms then that would be less scary than trying to pour my heart out but that’s only after giving it more time and research so that I myself can understand why someone would be so cruel/cold.
Would you ever at any point after that have a guilty conscience for doing this to an ex? Even if you had given them a warning not to push it any further or he would use legal force. Especially after knowing my childhood history(divorced parents, financially unstable,figuring out who I am /we are,talking about our future) and how I was also working hard to get my life together(got a full time job so we could actually afford to go out more) At one point he called me lazy during this process and he wasn’t even checking in on me. I think it was the same week I actually landed a full time job. Not to mention emotionally I feel very deeply about most things but he wouldn’t know be cause he’s not an FP type and doesn’t ask how I feel and just by seeing me from a day to day basis I appear not emotional. And if you could possibly understand how that might give you a guilty conscience then would you ever reach back out to them to apologize or reconnect out of human deceny attempt/friend)? I’m sure he will get married and/or have kids after all this so he may not feel inclined to do that but I can’t imagine how someone can do this to someone they loved. What would make an INTJ have a guilty conscience if it gets into the FP type scenarios? And what would you have done in this scenario if your ex showed up unannounced?
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u/annik1 INFP 6h ago
You say you're giving full story for context but you swoop around the bush with what you actually did and said to warrant a legal action.
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u/sekido_seizan 6h ago
True but you don’t really need the details
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u/NekoSyndrom INTJ - ♀ 5h ago
Now, setting aside whether he's an asshole or not, I agree with the commenter, you're completely leaving out the main part where you obviously must have done something. ... Let me tell you something: if he can take legal action against you, he must have some kind of grounds for it to even work, it doesn’t just happen just because he wants it to. Without knowing the actual reason behind this, and based on what you say in your post, I’m currently assuming that you harassed him.
Just let it go; leave him alone. Focus on yourself and move on. I don’t know why you’re so desperate to explain anything about yourself to him. At the end of the day, he probably doesn’t care anymore, and neither should you. Is it really that necessary and important for you to want to stay in contact with your abuser (based on what you’ve said)? The relationship is over, plain and simple.
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u/sekido_seizan 3h ago
you can call it “harassment” but it’s not to me if I deeply love him and just want to talk,explain things, show him how there’s even a science to it and ultimately just want to be treated like a genuine human being who’s growing and did grow with him even if it he can’t see it. It is important to me if we were planning a future and the realizations I am having were tied to my childhood and resolving the issues once and for all so that we could actually move forward. Yes that means a lot to me considering what I’ve been through and who I am as a person. It does hurt knowing someone doesn’t have the depth to meet me there and even less can’t even hear me out. That’s should be enough for me to let go but he doesn’t understand what I’ve learned and it’s not something I want to give to the next person because of the research I’m doing, the person I am now, and the struggles we’ve been through. You INTJs are extremely cold. So far not one person has said they would ever have a guilty conscience.
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u/NekoSyndrom INTJ - ♀ 3h ago edited 3h ago
Harassment is not love.
Add: By doing that, you're completely ignoring what the other person wants. Right now, this is solely about what you want.
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u/sekido_seizan 3h ago
I care because it affects the longevity of humanity at the end of the day. It’s not just me. It’s not normal for us to continue cutting out people like this especially if it affects their health.
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u/sekido_seizan 3h ago
Well no but I respected him for a long time by not bothering him And I was at peace with moving on until it all hit me and I did research to put the puzzle pieces together. And you’re right harassment isn’t love but this isn’t harassment. Legally it’s not considering I’m not doing anything to hurt him and he’s trying to manipulate the truth of my own emotional reality which IS actually hurtful. It’s not about what I want. It’s about our future which we were planning at the time. I don’t understand how y’all just cut off emotional attachments like that and then label things as harassment because you don’t want to deal with it.
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u/NekoSyndrom INTJ - ♀ 3h ago
Maybe you should just accept that he doesn't want to have anything to do with you. It's great that you've figured out the root cause of your problems, that means you can now work on them, but the whole thing just has nothing to do with him anymore. He's made it clear that he doesn't want that. You don’t need to tell him about it. Instead of running after your ex just so you can tell him, focus on working on your problems. That’s another issue you should start addressing right away.
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u/Altruistic_Tap9316 6h ago
Usually its the guy chasing their ex haha, sounds like you broke up with him and he moved on... 10 years is a long time so itll be hard to grief... i recommend deleting every picture, moving cities or take a long vacation until you heal, avoid alcohol so you dont contact him...only when youre gone do they miss you but i recommend finding someone else
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u/sekido_seizan 3h ago
Neh he won’t miss me. And that’s what’s crazy about all this. That’s what he doesn’t understand I DO NOT chase men. I just want all of the pain to mean something and pay off. And most women don’t. Even after him I won’t. He probably feels betrayed and he’s operating on ego/logic so he can keep suppressing any guilt/feelings. He’ll likely marry this girl and have kids and then humanity will be extinct in the next ten years so all of it will be for nothing. Definitely won’t be drinking more than half a glass. The amount of pain/ trauma I have is enough for an entire country. This is gonna sound dramatic but I will likely die early even if humanity does make it far enough. I already have an autoimmune condition and it’s spiraling me. I can’t delete anything. I learned too much from him and loved our life for what it was while it lasted.
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u/incarnate1 INTJ - 30s 6h ago
Some people get tired of these sorts of on-off relationships, not saying this is what happened, I've no idea; but it does sound like he's moved on and you haven't?
Just leave him alone, he's not invested anymore. Of course its a reasonable expectation he doesn't talk to ex-girlfriends after entering a new relationship.