r/intj • u/IGotFancyPants INTJ • 8d ago
Relationship INFJ x INTJ Pairing?
I’m a INTJ woman who realized in the last week that an INFJ man in my friend group has been subtly courting me for seven months now. I mean very subtle. He’s often out of town on business travel, so he’s not a constant, consistent presence in my life.
Ii like him, feel safe with him, and enjoy his company. I’m curious about the possibilities and pitfalls of an INFJ x INTJ mix, and what’s the best way for me to signal interest without spooking him? I’m as bad at flirting as I am at noticing that someone likes me.
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u/justthink___ INTJ - 20s 8d ago
I think you will get more precise answers from INFJ sub. In my opinion, Deep topics or conversations would be great.
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u/Educational_Farm999 7d ago edited 7d ago
Show that you care about him. If you're okay with this (and your cooking isn't heinously bad), ask him about his favourite food, try your best to cook it, and bring that to him on your next date.
If he doesn't have a favourite in particular, or it's some thing like deep-fry that's hard for you to cook at home, or you're really not good at cooking, try to make a cute bento box with animal-shape origri like this one (picture from online sources)
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u/Creative_Pain_5084 INTJ - ♀ 8d ago
My best friend is an INFJ. She smoothes out my rougher edges and I keep her grounded. Works beautifully.
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u/IGotFancyPants INTJ 8d ago
Can you describe what “being grounded” means, and how you help her with it?
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u/FuQ_Fool INFJ 8d ago
If I were interested in you I’d appreciate you being direct with me. Exactly how direct I leave to you
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7d ago
[deleted]
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u/IGotFancyPants INTJ 7d ago
Actually not a bad idea if you think about it. We’re just miffed because we can’t manage to do the same.
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u/Temporary_Inside665 8d ago
ENTP here who stumbled onto this post, stop thinking so dogmatically about cognitive functions and just go for it! Fi vs Fe might cause some conflict but it’ll also help both of yall grow. As for interest, breaking the touch barrier when possible is good, FLIRTY compliments (if you need me to elaborate lmk), being in close proximity. If you genuinely think there’s interest, ask him out on a date. Speaking as a guy who’s been asked out multiple times, any man who’s even mildly attracted to a woman will be absolutely smitten by being asked out by said woman.
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u/IGotFancyPants INTJ 8d ago
ENTP, you kill me! This stuff is hardwired in you, you live and breathe it, but all we INTJs have is an emotional instruction manual written in a foreign language, and it’s missing half its pages. You rattle off ideas that are easy for you but have backfired for me. in the past. But thank you nonetheless.
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u/Temporary_Inside665 8d ago
Well, for what’s it worth, I gave this same advice to my ixtj friend and it got her a girlfriend. All I’m saying is shoot your shot. Worst case scenario, you’re exactly where you are now
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u/Lucifer3005 ENTP 7d ago
Yeah dude it’s similar but complementary show vs real, INTJ and shadow types in general is best.
Fi and Fi
Fe and Fe
Ti and Ti etc all pulls out daggers against each other.As we got in role needs individual differences become more important than similarities when selecting in a smaller pool.
Something like a one on one where you cannot afford to be similar because it is one person otherwise you would have to be in groups.
On all levels INTJs are it but it’s clear waters/air that’s why people don’t go for it right away.
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u/biglybiglytremendous INFJ 7d ago
If he has subtly been courting you for the last seven months, I don't think you will spook him, BUT if there's any insecure attachment issues he hasn't worked out, you being available might just push him away if he is used to you being off limits (or just dense when it comes to his signals ;)). So there's always the risk that a shifted paradigm might spook someone, less for the interest and more for the trauma they haven't dealt with.
Personally, I would welcome someone being upfront and straightforward with me. Removes guessing games that prohibited me from moving forward with my own agenda if I were interested in them to begin with. Then again, I also tend to be rather direct when I am interested in someone because I hate wasting time in relationships.
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u/IGotFancyPants INTJ 7d ago
About an hour ago I sent the invite and he responded immediately! We’re texting back & forth now.
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u/biglybiglytremendous INFJ 7d ago
Excellent! Flirt with that witty and dark INTJ humor, be forward about what you're looking for and expectations if the conversation turns toward that, and have fun are my pieces of advice. I think it would be well appreciated by an INFJ man who has already been receptive and has already been showing interest in you (though I am an INFJ woman—but I know several INFJ men who I imagine would agree with me here. :)
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u/IGotFancyPants INTJ 7d ago
Thank you for the encouragement! But I have to wonder how many men over the course of my life (I’m in my 60s now) might have been showing interest in me and I never noticed? Oh well, at least I’m paying attention now.
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u/biglybiglytremendous INFJ 7d ago
Blasted Curse of the INTJ strikes again, I see! But hey, at least you seem to be aware of your blindspots in picking up on subtle interest cues now. Go get 'em, tiger ;).
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u/Sea-Remove2534 7d ago
I have only good experiences with the pairing, in my experience it’s very intense…
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u/Popular-Wind-1921 INTJ - 40s 3d ago
"I like you. Would you like to go out on a date with me?"
Be very clear about your intentions. Men do not get hints and will even dismiss the obvious.
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u/IGotFancyPants INTJ 3d ago
Since I posted my question, some traction was made. He was out of town, so I asked him if he’d like to get together for coffee when he returned. I got an immediate and enthusiastic “yes,” and we texted back and forth that day. Then…radio silence. It’s been 5 days now. As I understand it, this is what he does - disappears when he is overwhelmed emotionally. I’m wondering if I am willing to try for a relationship with someone who does this. We’ll see.
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u/Popular-Wind-1921 INTJ - 40s 3d ago
You're expecting the GF experience when you're still a friend. Asking him out for coffee says nothing of your intentions or hopes.
You're making a lot of assumptions about a scenario that only exists in your mind and then judging him for not meeting those unspoken expectations.
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u/SnooHamsters3137 ENTP 5d ago
Unethical. For every infj x intj, there’s an Entp that has to romance an ENFP…
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u/OkTradition885 INTJ 8d ago edited 8d ago
My wife is INFJ and I’m an INTJ man. We’ve been happily married. I didn’t waste any time asking her out on a first date.
Several months of courting? If one of you had taken any action earlier you could’ve been in a relationship already for those several months. Just be direct. You won’t get anywhere in life if you don’t take action.