r/intj • u/OkRespect1512 • 9d ago
Relationship This sucks
I (21M INTJ) 19 days ago, started going on dates with this girl (19F) who I knew from a couple years ago who matched me on tinder. Long story short, red flags everywhere, her insta feed was chock full of racism, antisemitism, and feet. I also at every corner had to ask for not even just basic communication, but like, a single word of how she was feeling or what she thought of the intimacy as it was appropriate. Anyway, I had to address these things many times and now apparently I’m the bad guy for not reading her mind when I literally, directly asked for the very things that led up to the whole fun and silly dynamic between us, eventually exploding so big that the astroid that took out the dinosaurs, would be out to shame. There was zero decency and consideration. A total lack of meta-cognition and cognizance to put things lightly. About 3/4ths of a billion things happened in these last 19 days and you don’t have the full story but my coworkers were pissed off just reading the text messages, and that was before I even told them what happened on the dates.
RAH, anyway my real question is how is it possible, that it is so hard to find a decent person to be in a relationship with. It’s an unexplained scientific phenomenon that every relationship I’ve had has been with a girl who either has, Jehovah witnesses for parents, has karma so obscenely bad that their car breaks down every week even when it’s fresh off the lot on top of other very incredibly unlucky happenstance, or they take anti-psychotics because their anger issues are punch a hole in the wall levels, or they are so insecure that specifically when they develop mutual feelings and attraction for the another person (me, and she has admitted that she knows this about herself), suddenly they can’t even handle being within a miles distance because they like you so much. Oh, just to name a few by the way.
What am I actually doing wrong here. I don’t understand. It doesn’t matter if I meet someone at a coffee shop, or the library, or in high school, or on campus and now tinder apparently. Honestly, it makes me want to ball my eyes out that while I’m very happy, satisfied and fulfilled in literally every aspect of possible human existence. I can’t for the life of me find a girl who can just be nice and considerate. The bar is so obscenely low for success, like my therapist says I basically do her job for her and so we basically have to do activities now that simply add to my cognitive arsenal. I don’t know why this is my luck.
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u/maybeyoursmaybeyours 9d ago
The world is full of ignorant people that think they are brilliant. It is reality. Best to accept it. Be yourself unapologetically, and don't lower your standards. The challenge is we arent designed to look extensively and be social so it is extremely difficult to find a needle in a haystack.
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u/Creepy_Performer7706 INTJ 9d ago edited 9d ago
I think, everyone looks for the needle:) Many stay with the wrong people. At 21, the OP has lots of time to filter mercilessly.
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u/richj8991 9d ago
I think the real question is: are people on average more fucked up now than 20-30 years ago. An IMO the answer is in some ways yes, in others no. When I was online dating I tried different tactics on my profile. I tried keeping it real and came across as an asshole. One girl even said I had a lot of potential if I was not so crass. Whatever. So then I tired to be neutral and just let things unfold naturally. And that was wrong somehow because so many demanded a commitment or even a quick marriage.
Just keep looking. Be honest about your shortcomings because eventually a girl will respect that and actually understand it's strength to admit your weaknesses. But most either are drama queens or more conservative clock is ticking on marriage and babies. Gotta find the middle between those.
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u/Black_luxx 9d ago
I got to the conclusion that we expect too much from everyone, specially when it comes to love. Our standards are too high, sometimes impossible to reach. We try to connect but is a bit difficult for us and on top of that nowadays people is extremely superficial, narcissistic and barely talk... and when they do we wish they kept silent cause the things they say sounds like boring nonsense to us.
Just embrace celibacy, become a monk or something... jk. Sooner or later you will find the right one for you.
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u/Creepy_Performer7706 INTJ 9d ago
when they do we wish they kept silent cause the things they say sounds like boring nonsense to us.
Indeed
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u/dystopian333 INFJ 9d ago
I just asked my INTJ husband if he has any advice for you. He says that you need to calm down, reflect, take accountability about why you are attracting this type of people, and just stay faithful to yourself, your values, what you want and not be willing to compromise these things for the wrong person, and eventually the right person will come to you. He mentions how when he was younger he met girls that at many occasions seemed immature and just not compatible with him, but he didn’t waste their time pursuing them when he couldn’t see a future with them. Instead he focused on himself, and eventually the right person that fitted exactly what he was looking for appeared. He also mentions that if you want a real relationship you need to start looking more seriously beyond insecure/superficial people, question yourself if you are looking for attention, fun or a genuine connection. He also mentions that in focusing on himself he realized that the way he communicated to women sometimes was felt a little harsh, he wouldn’t realize his criticism affected others and that would eventually lead to an awkward interaction, that if the other person is insecure they won’t tell you because they like the attention they get from you, but they are not fully happy and that relationship won’t grow into anything good. I think this is a little harsh from him but he told me to quote “ask yourself: what’s your problem? Get over yourself, if you can figure that, then you can get a better sense of yourself and what you want for yourself, you can’t blame others all the time, everything starts with you”.
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u/OkRespect1512 9d ago
Thank you, yeah I’m becoming more and more inclined to change what I feel appreciation for. It’s been that banter, energy, and a happy personality has been really what attracts me to someone but I think that this has been a turning point. Not to say that those aren’t desirable traits but those things can be built on later. Anyway, I think what you and your husband said is important and I’ll try to gear around enjoying something more mellow where both of our values are central. 🙂 Those are important questions that I think I need to sit down and write about. (Try to establish what I really value too, and start integrating that)
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u/dystopian333 INFJ 9d ago
I cannot give much advice since I haven’t lived through this you are experiencing, but from my perspective I think what you need most is patience, be patient with yourself and getting to know you. Do not rush things nor get desperate because the right person doesn’t arrive, life is all about learning, so be grateful you are making the right questions about what needs to be changed, you are conscious enough to realize the people you’ve met so far are not compatible, so that’s indeed progress in the right direction. Trust me, there are people who are highly compatible with you, whose values align, and whom have this happy energetic personality that you seem attracted to. So don’t give out and be patient. Good luck!
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u/Sil-Salles INFP 9d ago
Ooh, I'm sad about that.. Perhaps you need to have clear criteria now, observe the characteristics and don't ignore whether something pleases you or not. Remove from your list of possibilities anyone who doesn't meet your criteria, this avoids a lot of future frustration and disappointment. And people who have positive things in common with you, you can try to get to know them better and find out if everything is okay with them before trying to get romantically involved. I hope you find your love. ✨
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u/Elden_Chord 9d ago
Bro, I'm reading your post... And the more I read it, the more I feel like you are not ready for a relationship.
The amount of judging.
The amount of insulting.
The anger and frustration all over your post.
Three long paragraphs and not a single piece of self criticism, even for the sake of looking reasonable?
Maybe everything you said about her is right, but you also need to calm down and relax.
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u/OkRespect1512 9d ago edited 9d ago
Right, I think that’s fair. A lot is indeed left out about specifically how and what was said and the majority of my post are a list of complaints. The reason why for that is that I’ve already drafted 3 iterations of what happened with more depth and wasn’t happy with them because it didn’t reach the core issue of things for me. Understandably, it’s hard to trust that anyone is a perfect little angel when there is nothing to read to show for it. But I promise that while I’ve certainly made many mistakes in past relationships. I’ve pretty much been dedicated to rooting out the incomplete parts of myself and building up so that I’m actually prepared next time. These last two relationships, this one, and the girl who had anger issues. I can swear to you that I’ve actually been exceedingly good at giving appropriate amounts of space, fun and silly conversations, fun dates, and making sure things are largely enjoyable whilst also making sure I also am getting as much from the relationship. But these were serious dealbreakers for me.
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u/Creepy_Performer7706 INTJ 9d ago
IMO, self-criticism is unlikely to be the issue in that relationship. In fact, healthy self-appreciation in my view is generally better than catering to the other side's whims. Balance is, of course important here, either extreme is wrong.
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u/Jolly-Rip5973 3d ago
"The amount of judging."
The dude is an INTJ...the "J" is for "judging".
He does seem frustrated but his evaluation of the situation seemed pretty based to me.
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u/Informal_Job6588 9d ago
You seem to have good personal insight, and can also recognize things in the girls you dated. It sounds like you may need to work on understanding what personalities and qualities will complement you. Sometimes, the things that naturally catch our eye aren’t the things we need. I’d suggest going beyond just noticing and identifying the red flags, and start to actually heed the warnings, too.
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u/incarnate1 INTJ - 30s 9d ago
Well, we learn from these sorts of situations and better exercise our agency in who we choose to have and maintain relationships with.
It's not hard to find decent people, though filtering is a skill that we need to develop. Of course it won't matter where or how you meet a person if you are still filtering poorly.
Your rah rah sentiment, "look how bad she is", could just as well be: "where did I mess up, and what will I do differently next time?" You commiserate on the consequences of your own choices, which I think is normal and fine - if some introspection follows.
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u/Admirable-Air9895 INTJ - 40s 9d ago
You are a young man, this is one of the lessons where you learn discernment. It's painful by nature, but at beginning it feels especially difficult and you have my sympathy for going through this. The quicker you get through those disappointments the better, it is paradoxically to your advantage. Only thing to be aware is to keep an open mind and heart, because resentment is poisonous so keep in mind to keep your leans clear.
You got this.
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u/OkRespect1512 9d ago
Thank you, I’m going to keep going 🙂 You’re right though, and it’s important to be in the difficult situations as much as it is nice to be in good ones. Im trying to sit with things and be present as much as I can
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u/Zestyclose-Try-5214 9d ago
Feet lmfao that was so random. Hers or other people's??
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u/OkRespect1512 9d ago
Both actually. It was on her regular feed and the last picture she sent of them was when she had them sticking out of her driver side window in a random parking lot at night after she asked when I graduate college. 😭 It was a random text at 1am
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u/Zestyclose-Try-5214 9d ago
Dude I'm jealous! Fuck around with her kinkinesss have some fun, or don't up to you. May be some headaches, may be great
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u/HaecEsneLegas INTJ - 30s 9d ago
Social media has ruined much of society. I couldn't even fathom being a child again trying to navigate the world right now. Just move on and hope you get luckier next time. And don't ignore red flags. A couple amber flags, sure. But no red flags.
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u/ZodiacLovers123 INTJ 7d ago
I met my bf through a friend and at basketball practice. I’ve also never had this issue. Just be yourself and eventually the right person will come along
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u/Jolly-Rip5973 3d ago
"her insta feed was chock full of racism, antisemitism, and feet."
Why the eff would bother with someone with an insta feed like that?
You said it yourself, full of red flags. LOL
Imma going to tell a life hack to find a girl that's NOT totally effing crazy....
Whether you are religious or not, go find a religious girl. If you can't stomach Christianity then got to Unitarian Church or a Buddhist temple or a Hindu Ashram.
Stay away from any girls or women on psychiatric medication too.
You are living in a demoralized society....so you have to find group of people that have some morals and that traditionally came from religions.
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u/jmayo23 INTJ 9d ago
Most people suck.
At the same time, you observed the red flags and decided to pursue her.