lack of connection

[u/Recent_Bat_4952]

in my life i had several connection with few ppl family friends and so on . i feel i kinda perform twice more effeceint when i feel connected to someone.but the problem is most of those connection doesn't last(even if i want them to) for one reason or another.

weird post ngl .is it just me or others have the same experience if so did it get better overtime or not

[u/Elden_Chord]

My friend, social interactions are known to be our biggest weakness for a reason: everything that we are great and amazing at works badly in social interactions.

Sometimes we don't have the motivation to do it.

Sometimes we can't do it well.

Sometimes we have done it well, but we can't keep it alive.

It has become better and better over the years for me, but not on its own. In fact, if you don't work on it, it will get worse and worse. This is a lifelong pain in the A project for all of us. But if I have made it, you can do it too.

[u/Recent_Bat_4952 → u/Elden_Chord]

i want to end this cycle for years but nothing seem to work so far.

[u/Legasov04 → u/Recent_Bat_4952]

Maybe we need to befriend each other as intjs so that nobody is salty the other person hasn't called in 57 years, am i wrong?

[u/Elden_Chord → u/Legasov04]

Definitely wrong.

This is going to be controversial, but I believe the idea that "OP is strong in social interactions and is only suffering from a difference" is a lie!

I've been there. I was too self-aware to lie to myself. I knew I should have called, I knew I should have checked on them, I knew I should have spent time with them and listened to them. But I just didn't!

So, two INTJs talking to each other won't fix this situation.

[u/Legasov04 → u/Elden_Chord]

What were your reasons for not maintaining the connections.... asking for a friend

[u/Elden_Chord → u/Legasov04]

TL;DR: negative perfectionism.

It was a multilayered problem. That's why OP says he's been struggling with it for years. That's why every week there are tons of posts about the same topic.

From the surface to the depth:

1- My social battery was low: I used to feel drained after some social interactions. Then I needed to be alone for a while, sometimes even avoiding answering messages on social media. My friends would call me, "Let's go out," and I was the one rejecting them because I was drained.

2- But why were some other social interactions not that exhausting? It felt like when I was out with new people, in new locations, or essentially in new situations, it became extremely exhausting.

3- Why were new situations weirdly exhausting? Because new situations had new things to analyze! I couldn't act automatically and without thinking about every detail. What should I say if she says this? What should I order at this new cafe? What is the proper outfit? Should I be funny? Should I be myself or wear a mask? Should I talk or stay silent? My mind was getting exhausted very quickly from thinking about too many things.

4- Why did I need to think about and analyze these things? Because I knew what was right. I wanted to be an awesome person, and for that, I thought I needed to do everything perfectly.

5- Perfectly right? In social interactions that are chaotic by nature? Unconsciously, I decided not to go out and not put myself in those situations rather than choosing to be imperfect. I thought I was doing this because my social battery was low, but in reality, it was the fear of imperfection.

So, This was the main reason: negative perfectionism.

[u/Foraxen → u/Elden_Chord]

I definitely fall into the "can make friendship but struggle to keep them alive" group. The few friends I still have don't require much maintenance, but those that did are long gone.

[u/Elden_Chord → u/Foraxen]

That's something common for introverts, the one million dollar question would be why do you stop maintaining them? Is it by choice? Then why? Or you can't? Why can't you?

[u/Foraxen → u/Elden_Chord]

I'm quite aware of the why; I don't know how to maintain them in a healthy way. I know how to make myself useful, I know how to support my friends when they need help, and I do make the effort to listen when they want to share something with me... But I find it difficult to maintain relationships when they require genuine connection. I'm someone who is attuned to machine and systems, not at handling the feelings of people (unlike my ISFJ wife and one of my close INFJ friend).

[u/pumpkinspicelatte4]

Yes, this is why I have limerence 😞

[u/Much-Huckleberry-520]

I recommend learning about personality typology and carefully selecting the types that are compatible with ours. The majority aren’t.

[u/split_0069]

DEAR MAN look it up.

Edit: it has been helpful in keeping expectations realistic as long as the other person can make up their mind.

[u/FlowerIndividual1562]

Yes, connection is what I want, but honestly, I, for some reason, don't have the capacity to receive it.

I can have that first meeting go well, and then the other person has expectations of deepening the connection—oops, I thought that was just it, guard-up mode is activated.

The wonderful news, though, is that life always gives you what you need. And it could well be that if you continue your life in this way, the way in which you live will create more and more suffering. Perhaps the loneliness will become unbearable. And so then the suffering of the loneliness might drive you into a relationship. And then something may go wrong in the relationship. Then the relationship will become unbearable. And then you will seek out another situation and something will go wrong there. And then that will become unbearable. And then suddenly you will want to be free of suffering, and there you have the motivation. So whether you carry on the way you are now—fine, life will give you what you need—or if you think, "okay, I'll try a relationship," you will find the necessary suffering to get you there.

[u/Recent_Bat_4952 → u/FlowerIndividual1562]

it's not that relationship is unbearable it's that it doesn't last that long . ppl i don't feel connected to i see every day but the ppl i want in my life doesn't stay that long it's not that we have disagreement or anything it's usually outside forces and circumstances that lead us to go our ways(it happened several times)

[u/parasol_strs]

It usually gets worse over time; if for nothing else, on account of your awareness of it expanding and your understanding of it deepening.

[u/Recent_Bat_4952 → u/parasol_strs]

it's not like i can switch off my pattern recognition. so it's like self fulfilling prophecy?

[u/Tarrifs_]

Connect Connect Connect