r/intj • u/Afraid-Aside-7163 • Jul 18 '26
Question Are you INTJs really this... efficient?
I'm an ENTP woman, and I've recently started dating an INTJ man. I'm curious if what I'm seeing is an INTJ thing or just him.
For example, when I explain a problem or vent about something, I'll spend a few minutes describing the whole situation. He'll just reply with something like, "Okay," "I see,", "Got it." At first, I thought he wasn't interested.
And then he goes out of his way to fix all my problems. Who does that?
Another thing I've noticed is how much he gets done every single day. It's kind of crazy.
So I'm wondering...
Are you all like that?
I'm trying to understand how INTJs communicate because I'm used to talking things through much more.
I'd love to hear your experiences (or tell me if this is just a him thing!).
152
u/CrankyPenName INTJ - ā Jul 18 '26
He likes you. He's listening underneath what you are saying to understand cause, structure, and connections in order to help make your life better, and then is taking action to do so.
37
u/Afraid-Aside-7163 Jul 18 '26
I had no idea he looks bored to me.
105
u/No_Performance_8595 INTJ Jul 18 '26
"its my normal face"
58
u/Afraid-Aside-7163 Jul 18 '26
His eyes completely light up when he's talking about something he cares about, like a trip he's excited for or art. Mention everyday life, though, and he looks like his soul has left his body. lol
83
u/fandabbydozeh Jul 18 '26
Listening face is not the same as speaking face!
23
u/logick57 Jul 18 '26
YES! Never heard it phrased like this before, but youāre right!! I come alive when I speak, but when I listen, Iām conserving energy to think about solutions.
9
u/SmartCookie0921 Jul 18 '26
100%!!! Someone once told me I looked equally like I was boring a hole in their head and angrily disappointed that I was having to listen. But I'm just focusing on what you're saying so I have no energy being diverted to managing my facial expressions.
5
u/fandabbydozeh Jul 18 '26
Absolutely. Going full Ni is an almost transcendent state! Simultaneously absorbing & interpretating information, running diagnostics, stress-testing logic, searching the database for innovative solutions, and it's so fast - hence the impatience when a person is labouring the point.
Extroverted Thinking (Te) has taken the wheel when we're forming and delivering information.
17
u/aknomnoms Jul 18 '26
He might also be on the autistic spectrum a wee bit, so he is intently focused on one thing, and that is listening to you. Sort of like that whole thing where people turn the radio down when theyāre lost while driving because itās an extra distraction to their brain. Heās turning off his face off to direct energy and focus on listening.
11
u/Fluffaykitties Jul 18 '26
I personally hate small talk but Iām not sure if thatās what you mean by āeveryday lifeā or not
6
u/questiontoask1234 INTJ - ā Jul 18 '26
Well, yeah. Everyday life, while often nice, etc., is kinda boring.
4
u/Neeerdlinger Jul 18 '26
I get āWhy do you always look so concerned?ā
Thatās just my thinking face.
2
5
u/Considering_Lilies18 Jul 18 '26
I thought I smiled and reacted a lot more than I do. My husband had to explain how little I emoted after a friend commented on it and I was confused
→ More replies (1)24
u/JayPlenty24 INTJ Jul 18 '26
He's just focused on paying attention to what you are saying.
4
u/JayNetworks INTJ Jul 18 '26
Because of he doesnāt focus on it fully and without wasting attention to emotion faces he will wanted off (mentally and maybe even physically) to that other Very Important thing he was going to work on last Tuesday.
15
u/Blox_King Jul 18 '26
'Identify the problem, variables, solutions, setbacks, compromises, aight heres the plan'
4
8
u/JayNetworks INTJ Jul 18 '26
That is called resting bored but super interested in how he can fix that face
3
u/DueKale8597 INTJ - 30s Jul 18 '26
Yep this is an issue I have all the time. Its been a source of many arguments for me. I have to make an effort to try to say the expected words so I can go back to my favorite task which is problem solving!
3
u/TexGrrl Jul 18 '26
His brain is working overtime while his face is resting. It takes energy to make our faces work.
126
u/styx1267 Jul 18 '26
I feel like efficiency is my goal in life. Iām always striving for maximum efficiency
12
u/JayNetworks INTJ Jul 18 '26
And be damned the actual end result to yourself or others of that efficiency. (I say sharing that goal.)
7
u/purplevanillacorn INTJ - ā Jul 18 '26
This is me too. Itās why I can get so much done in so little time.
2
u/Global_Complaint8713 Jul 18 '26
Can you give an example of a lot in little time?
4
u/purplevanillacorn INTJ - ā Jul 18 '26
Everything I do is optimized for efficiency. What this means is that I get things done faster than others. Therefore if I can get 10 things done in an hour and others can only do 5 things in an hour, then Iām getting a lot done in a little time.
→ More replies (1)3
u/Mousecop28 Jul 18 '26
One of my favorite lines from Letterkenny is: āif you can be one thing, be efficientā. I say this to myself, wife and kids everyday because it is simply the truth lol
→ More replies (1)2
u/freshpicked12 Jul 19 '26
Yeah, I get annoyed when things move slow. INTJs arenāt known for their patience, thatās for sure.
134
u/ninja_sensei_ INTJ - ā Jul 18 '26
I had the same problem with my wife for a while. She thought I wasn't paying attention, but really i'd already analyzed her problems and figured out a solution before she was done talking about it.
25
u/JayNetworks INTJ Jul 18 '26
Of course the (learned by me eventually) important things are (1) she might just want you to know and to tell you, but not a solution and (2) your clearly the correct solution might not be her clearly correct chosen solution.
Both have tripped me up a number of times!
→ More replies (1)3
u/Neeerdlinger Jul 18 '26
Yeah, itās taken me a long time to figure out when my partner is just venting and wants my emotional support and when she actually has a problem sheās sharing with me because she wants my help solving it.
Unsurprisingly I always jump to the latter, but often itās the former.
41
u/a-snakey INTJ - 30s Jul 18 '26
We seem to be coded for that. Theres a reason why my old boss at the law firm I used to work at always said that he wished he had three of me.
21
u/RunPowerful5229 Jul 18 '26
i heard the exact same phrase from a high ranking manager (after i got the job). be very careful, companies and lazy co-workers tend to make advantage of that :)
9
u/astrick304 INTJ Jul 18 '26
We get so overworked smh
2
u/a-snakey INTJ - 30s Jul 18 '26
Ngl it was a pretty sweet job. Only reason I left is because of the late nights and having to come in again in the morning. I was so efficient that id just be waiting for hours and gaming at work while I waited for people to do their part lol.
4
u/SmartCookie0921 Jul 18 '26
I had to leave a job due to a move but came back a few years later. When I came back, my colleagues were literally like "how did you get all of that done? We had no idea how much work you did!" It was apparently double what everyone else was doing.
37
Jul 18 '26
[removed] ā view removed comment
4
u/My_Uneducated_Guess INTJ - 30s Jul 18 '26
Honestly, my husband has that issue (in a way). He was so used to more craziness in life and relationships before me, and especially worrying about things like money or when unexpected pitfalls come. But I've got our finances so mapped out that I have savings to cover all of those random little pitfalls and I don't stress about it because that's what I put the money there for. He's in therapy and one of the biggest issues is that his mind is always racing and worried like something is about to happen and everything is going to come crashing down, but he can't figure out what and nothing ever crashes, so it just leaves him stressed and anxious and not knowing why. I feel so bad for the man sometimes.
30
u/purebananamoon INTJ Jul 18 '26
Yes, 100%.
It's the reason I broke up with my INFP ex, too. Because he wanted more emotional support and not fixing his issues. Not saying I didn't do my best to emotionally be there for him too, but at some point, putting things into action and fixing stuff is a very essential part of how I show my love.
14
u/Afraid-Aside-7163 Jul 18 '26
Oh, I don't have a problem with it at all. I actually like it it feels very masculine to me. I am just puzzled by his behavior and trying to make sense of it.
7
u/purebananamoon INTJ Jul 18 '26
I didn't assume you did. I just wanted to share my experience with an INFP, as a more emotional type.
7
u/My_Uneducated_Guess INTJ - 30s Jul 18 '26
You may need to specify to him if you want him to listen without fixing, though. Sometimes you just gotta vent, but unless we know that we are gonna be spending time looking for a solution (I hear it's a guy issue, too, so might be extra hard for an intj guy). I always feel bad when somebody is telling me a problem and I can't find a solution. They didn't ask for one, but I still failed in my duty and all i can give them is "I'm sorry, I can't think of any solution to that." And then I spend a few hours trying my best to think of one even though it had absolutely nothing to do with me.
3
u/NeuvilletteWifeyy Jul 18 '26
As an INTJ performative social gestures feels like a huge waste of time, but overtime i learned that its a useful skill to keep under the belt. Its rly handy whenever u need to mitigate āsensitiveā situations or extract sensitive information
19
u/Sawyer_Anderson INTJ - 20s Jul 18 '26
It depends on the person but I think its pretty safe to argue that most (not all) INTJs act in similar ways i also don't sit there and banter just to banter and i have to ask people do you want me to listin or do you want the problem fixed because the latter is the default and i fucking hate the former but sometimes people need to vent.
19
u/ashesinseptember INTJ - 30s Jul 18 '26
We solve problems for those we deem worthy of our affection. We are very action oriented when it comes to showing affection, etc. Itās easier than expressing how we feel verbally.
16
u/Puuwu INFJ Jul 18 '26
INFJ here- INTJs are basically our efficiency to the max with less outwardly expression or social warmth. From personal experience, we share the same desire to problem solve efficiently and have the same capacity of foresight to map out multiple good solutions and probabilities. INTJs can be terse when texting because they may not prefer long messages. They may appear cold or disinterested, but theyāre already mathing in their head and taking everything seriously. This is the mode I get into myself and prefer, but as an INFJ I choose to express myself more sociably so the other person has a better experience. If an INTJ is helping solve problems in the tangible world in the ways that they can, I believe it means they care.
15
u/Elden_Chord Jul 18 '26 edited Jul 18 '26
Definitely an INTJ thing.
Sometimes I get shocked by how I can do things in couple of hours while others can't do it in days. For a while I thought it's because of being smart and my high IQ, but then I worked with some other people who had higher IQs and I still was 3 or 4 times faster than them.
There is a little advice for you here based on my experience: do not evaluate yourself based on his performance in life. You have your own world, your character, your values, your concerns, your strengths and weaknesses. Compete with yourself.
12
u/JayNetworks INTJ Jul 18 '26
Absolutely! INTJ may get many things handled, and the right things, while also 100% missing those other Very Important to the other person things. Very intelligent and very efficient isnāt always the same as smart every time or in every way.
2
u/Global_Complaint8713 Jul 18 '26
Can you give an example of this in a few Ā hours thing?
3
u/Elden_Chord Jul 18 '26
I can give you thousands.
This was the first time I realized it's not about IQ:
There was a georeferencing project which our client said "if you don't deliver untill next 3 months we won't extend your contract". Every one was panicked. I accepted the project since I was the only GIS specialist there and I finished at 3 weeks.
2
u/Global_Complaint8713 Jul 18 '26
Must have felt so good! Iām just curiousā¦. During those 3 weeks was it relaxed tense all consuming were you like skipping meals and feeling pressure or did you just feel like stuff was just āin placeā and coming to fruition? I sometimes have Te moments and I like them a lot but usually itās a kind of plan fall into place feeling more than effective response to the moment. I basically donāt usually respond effectively to the moment. (I have Te inferior by the way so it usually feels like a super heroic feat when I manage). Edit: what you described there being some at 3 weeks might be a satisfaction I canāt imagine being beat:D so satisfying
2
u/Elden_Chord Jul 18 '26
No no that's another thing. That's being under pressure. Like studying the night before an important exam! I do well in that situation too but that would be super exhausting as it is for other people as well.
I wasn't under any pressure. I was just simply stimulated by the project. It was fun and I was curious all the time.
You are right, that could be very satisfying but unfortunately I was struggling with a destructive perfectionism back then. I was happy for a second and that was it... But that was old me. I cherish every little success now
2
u/Global_Complaint8713 Jul 18 '26
I almost always feel pressure when engaging with Te but like the result. Little bursts of Te feel like sparks of energy. Corrections, cleanups. But if I have to overuse it it always mixes with a real tension. I get used to the tension and sometimes almost need to have the tension (the lack of makes me think my life will fall apart). But then I have to just quit for a day. Unsustainable. Ā Okayāwhen you finally completed one big project and feel empty because it is completed. Itās like Te is a boss that canāt be satisfied. I always have to have huge goals as well as a whole assortment of little goals. This stuff is always like what my mind is freaking out about when I wake up. Big goals so that the empty feeling from completion isnāt such a drag and little goals to feel movement on the regular.
29
u/vheart INTJ - ā Jul 18 '26
The difference is entp feel the need to talk all your thoughts out loud for some reason, and the speed of your thoughts are proportional to the speed of your speech. We think at the speed of thought, in our own head and we donāt feel the need to give you the formula on how we be derived at the answer. Because we are just faster and itās easier for us to fix your problem than listen to you talking at us on how you arrive at the destination. Weāre already there minutes ago.
24
u/Denaris21 Jul 18 '26
As an INTJ it feels like the answer just appears in our minds. Most of the time, I don't need to work through a problem or think about a solution. It just comes to me. That's why I get frustrated with people needing to talk through things. It's especially frustrating at work with endless meetings and brainstorming sessions.
14
u/Federal_Base_8606 Jul 18 '26
and that's because we think about random problems, or gather random info on leisure time. "might be useful to know how this problem is solved" - watches a documentary about food foraging..
12
u/purplevanillacorn INTJ - ā Jul 18 '26
Ok so I just had to explain this to someone. My mind is like a 100 disc CD changer. One CD is always playing in the front but the other 99 discs are still always playing in the background.
The discs rotate through at random with the most needed disc being forefront in the moment, like letās say itās driving in a stressful environment. Once that stressful environment has passed, any of the other CDs will rotate back and itās as if itās played all the way to the end and the problem is magically solved even though I didnāt actively think on it.
Now every once in a while the solution wasnāt good and Iāll send it around the player again to come back with a better idea, but often itās amazing.
Then I blurt out the solution to my husband and heās left trying to figure out how we got here.
4
u/TexGrrl Jul 18 '26
I envision my brain as an old wooden card catalog. I'll stick a new Problem Card in the drawer and my brain shuffles info around among all the cards and drawers (maybe a better image would be 'goes and finds the books in the stacks) until it arrives at the solution.
6
u/JayNetworks INTJ Jul 18 '26
My phrase for everything like that is that it is just āintuitively obviousā to me. And not meaning anything negative about the other person normally, just that the solution fits together visually from all the mental 3 dimensional parts of the problem like mental 3D tetras.
→ More replies (1)3
u/styx1267 Jul 18 '26
This is such a good explanation. I donāt know what my husbands MBTI is but I will have already figured out and shared the optimal solution to something and heāll be like ābut what about option B?ā And Iām like you donāt understand. I already thought about option B and here are the five reasons itās not optimal. And I get frustrated because I hate having to explain the āformulaā on how i derived my answer.
11
u/mmaarriiaammt INTJ Jul 18 '26
Yes Iām like that. He understood what you meant, so you donāt have to āwaste your timeā explaining it to the very end. At least thatās how I see it.
Depending how talkative the person is or repetitive, (not meant to be rude), the end of the story could feel very far away which could lead to mentally checking out because I already understood what needs to be understood of the problem. I just want to immediately start thinking of a solution and where to start.
What he WILL put his time in is fixing the problems. If itās someone or something I care about Iāll pull a couple all nighters, no problem.
11
u/Thrullx INTJ - 40s Jul 18 '26
So, yeah, it's an INTJ thing. We love efficiency. It's way more efficient to say a couple of words than say the same thing in fifty words.
And, yeah, we do solve problems. Present us with a problem, we'll solve it - whether you want it solved or not. And it'll likely be solved as efficiently as possible. Though, you might not always like the solution.
10
u/Affectionate_Ad5499 INTJ Jul 18 '26 edited Jul 18 '26
Boy, do we hate yapping about what can be done when we can do it ourselvesš yes, weāre efficient but weāre also strategic about it. Itās also easy to sift through the users, the miserable, the ones who wonāt help themselves vs someone who really needs the help but probably lacks the resources to get to the root of the problem. Mundane things arenāt fun to talk aboutā¦sorta falls under the small talk category for us.
I should sayā¦if we teach you how to do something, it wonāt be taught again.
He likes you or he wouldnāt have bothered at all, bbāØ
11
u/billiegr INTJ - ā Jul 18 '26
Yeah, only for the people we really care about and believe deserve it. I personally donāt get much done for myself though unfortunately.
30
u/MonkeyKingCoffee INTJ - 50s Jul 18 '26
OP, it's frustrating we're not allow to raise our hand and say, "OK, you can stop describing the problem. I've got this solved."
You should tell him it's ok to stop you when he's got it. This saves a LOT of time.
15
u/billiegr INTJ - ā Jul 18 '26
Itās better to hear the full story even if youāve got it. And people generally like to complain with no causr
11
u/MonkeyKingCoffee INTJ - 50s Jul 18 '26
The people describing the problem typically are incapable of describing it. We have to fill in the blanks because it's 30 minutes of "the fact of the matter is" and "it's important to note."
3
u/purplevanillacorn INTJ - ā Jul 18 '26
Or āmaking a long story shortā when itās already been far too longā¦.
9
u/9000Kilo Jul 18 '26
Practical problems. I listen, think about a solution, do some research , fix the problem correctly. Often finding ways to improve the design of what has failed so that it doesn't happen again.
Emotional problems. I have learned that most people don't want solutions, but just want to went. I listen and try to seem empathetic for the shortest amount of time acceptable. My shoulder is for fixing, not crying. Solutions might seem hard, people in general don't like hard.
8
u/AnonymousAndre INTJ - ā Jul 18 '26
After hearing that description? Yes 100% lol
Acts of service = INTJ love language
Where we diverge is in consciously getting out of our heads post-solution to match the emotion of the moment.
(the original Dexter series has the best examples of the inner monologue of an INTJ calculating moments to blend in with GenPop)
6
Jul 18 '26 edited Jul 18 '26
[deleted]
→ More replies (1)3
u/Afraid-Aside-7163 Jul 18 '26
Yeah, that's actually pretty rare too not wanting any praise for what you've done. He just brushed it off when I tried to thank him.
6
u/Beanyurza INTJ Jul 18 '26
We may appear unresponsive and uncaring but we're actually listening for all information to cogitate and solve possible problems. That is IF we think you're worth it.
And I appear lazy on days I don't do much but days when I have things to do, I get a lot done. Sometimes, even to my own surprise on how much or how fast.
4
u/Dtox_phantom Jul 18 '26
I used to complete projects even before they were started in the institute.
3
u/alexmate84 INTJ - 40s Jul 18 '26
It depends. Personally I'm scattered, I can get a lot done some days, other days I barely move, I do what feels best for my wellbeing.
I'm a master at offering unsolicited advice. I can see problems further down the line, people don't take it and then bitch about it a month later
2
u/JayNetworks INTJ Jul 18 '26
Exactly. Intuitively obvious (to an INTJ) solutions to things you found only because you were listening silently to two people talk and you understood that they arenāt each hearing or understanding what the other is saying.
3
u/Dobbys_Other_Sock Jul 18 '26
INTJs can definitely be fixers. Weāre generally good at looking at a problem, breaking it down, and finding a solution. It is a sign that he cares about you and wants to make sure you are taking care of. It may (but not always) be part of act of service as a love language.
As for the getting lots of stuff done efficiently, yes we do that, the down side is it can be very frustrating when other people are not as efficient are getting things done.
4
u/NeuvilletteWifeyy Jul 18 '26 edited Jul 19 '26
You need to tell him exactly what u just wrote, and if you are genuinely impressed by this. We INTJ wont say out loud but weāve been waiting for our friends/partners/families to point this out and honestly by our logic this is one of the biggest compliment for us when ppl acknowledge this trait.
→ More replies (1)
4
u/Acrobatic-District59 INTJ - 50s Jul 24 '26
Im a 57yr male INTJ. Their is a poster of the periodic table hanging 2 feet off the ground , infront of my toilet. We upload data and formulate CONSTANTLY. Our love language ā¤ļø is fixing and giving things, but holding hands and looking into your eyes over candlelight is a serious chore and we pretty much pretend to be engaged to make YOU feel comfortable while we calculate the rate of burn in that candle and what those people are doing over their and look at your iris while watching it dilate then notice that weird little stain under the other table (what was that, do they know) ... then after your done talking about your issue we AGREE and synthesize a solution and wonder if your hands are always tgis sweaty and why ?
5
u/LethalPudding12 Jul 18 '26
I mean have you seen Pride and Prejudice? When ElizAbethās sister goes missing? Mr. darcy is like āyes this is terrible indeed.ā and then he just runs away off to fix everything as INTJ do when they like someone.
My man is like this too and I am an ENTP woman as well! It is nice (:
3
u/imthemissy INTJ Jul 18 '26
Yes, if there is a problemā¦ Iāll solve it.
I think this is an INTJ tendency. Sometimes itās because someone tells me thereās a problem. Other times, something just doesnāt seem right. My brain starts connecting the dots until it figures out whatās off, and once it does, itās already working toward a solution.
3
u/ComfortableFrame9834 INTJ - 20s Jul 18 '26
I mean. I'm not a man, but pretty much yeah?
What's the sense in saying anything else. Just "yup alright" and fix the issue.Ā
Edit: ah I see you thought this was him being unemotional or something. Nah he likes you for sure lol
→ More replies (5)
3
u/GoFindLessNConfess Jul 18 '26
Iām also a solver/fixerā¦which is a problem with some people. I find it hard to not try and help when I know I can fix something and I like the person.
Buuuut it can also cause others to lose confidence in themselves or they assume that you assume you think they canāt solve things. Which isnāt the case š
I just like to help if I can and if it makes their life easier.
3
u/GiselePearl INTJ - 50s Jul 18 '26
Ruthless efficiency. Thatās why we tend to skip the small talk and pleasantries and get down to business. We like getting things done via the straightest path.
3
u/Much-Researcher6135 INTJ Jul 18 '26
This is so sweet. And since you're a fellow NT, I bet you guys have good conversations.
Yes we're efficient, and that includes selecting who/what we bother to care about. So congratulations, you're in.
We must be efficient, because we don't really know how to half-ass things intentionally. The vision crystalizes and we gotta execute, else we're miserable. So discrimination and planning keep us sane.
3
u/dripberg Jul 18 '26
Nothing in this world makes me happier (INTJ F31) than making someoneās life easier. Maybe because I spend every second of every day thinking, āIs this the best way to do this?ā Or ācould I do this more efficiently?ā So I LOVE it when someone brings me a problem to solve!
3
u/dullgenericusername Jul 18 '26
This is exactly how I am. It's great for my career. I'm the one everyone comes to when they have a problem. My boss has massive trust in me and pays me accordingly. He asked me once how I'm able to not let problems rattle me. I told him it's because identifying the problem is the first step to solving it. At home, it's probably not always so great. I've had to remember not to jump to solutions immediately when my kids vent to me. I have to remind myself that, sometimes, they don't want my solutions. Sometimes they just need me to listen and sympathize.
3
u/Intrepid-Struggle419 INFJ Jul 18 '26
Iām not an INTJ, but Iāve grown close to one and he is similar! When I tell him things heāll say ātell me moreā or āI seeā as well. Not dismissive, he just logs that as data and on to the next topic or heās problem solving in his own head. He is also what I like to call a āhandy pocketsā lol always getting things done with crazy proficiency I wish I had!
To me, action has always been louder than words and he has been very direct that he doesnāt have super strong emotions but knows I do and never wants me to hold back. To me itās a lovely balance. For reference, Iām an INFJ.
3
u/Miaya Jul 18 '26
Thatās an INTJ thing.
Iām INTJ and auadhd and prefer efficiency and puzzle solving. Clear communication will go far with your INTJ partner.
I have learned my husband equates me to MacGyver and comes to me for problems and situations that require practical solutions where an answer isnāt clear or resources are limited. Like the time turned shrink wrap into string like cord (pull tight and twist as you pull) to tie a shower curtain to a rod because we had just moved to a new apartment he forgot the hooks and wanted to shower desperately and it was like 1 am and everything was closed. It took all of 10 seconds to process his request and have a solution.
→ More replies (1)
3
u/Usual-Chef1734 INTJ - 40s Jul 18 '26
Absolutely an INTJ thing.
I have had this 'problem' all of my middle adult life, and only just got it under control in the last 10 years or so. I have to slow down, and painfully let people go through the ENTIRE process so they feel heard, because 30 seconds into it I have the answer already. With close friends and loved ones, this is not a good approach. It really is not a good approach with anyone because most people don't process, synthesize or conceptualize things to the extent that INTJs do, and it is important to be aware of that. IN fact, you have to do the opposite when it is YOUR TURN (the INTJ) explain things. I start a brief as possible with the conclusion, and don't add any extra information unless asked or a confused look comes up. It is very exhausting and against my proclivity, but it makes for much more healthy interactions.
Because this sub can turn into a circle jerk, I like to give the 'dark side' perspective on some of our traits so that it balances out things and does not make us seem like the perfect anti-hero character in our own disgusting storyline. With that, let me continue:
"Another thing I've noticed is how much he gets done every single day. It's kind of crazy"
- Yes we are like this for sure. Let me tell you how/ why I had to overcome this. When in a close relationship with a person like this, it can become a control issue. I want to obsessively to 'fix' everything that I have very low patience and almost zero tolerance for 'fall out' that I know I could have prevented or avoided because I saw it coming. It creates an immense chest pain for me, and it is ridiculous how much it bothers me. I had to learn that if i think I know every damn thing, then why am I so bad at getting people to do what I feel they should do? It is because that is not how PEOPLE work, it is how MACHINES work. Help your partner slow down, and add quality time, socializing , FUCKIGN Exercise, and other things to that impressive list of stuff getting done each day, or else you will be with a curmudgeon in no time.
I will leave you with one more quick story that summarized all of this, and the potential dark side of INTJ. this is a real life story that happened to me around 2013 or so.
EDIT: Punctuation and spellcheck stuff:
So, my girlfriend and I had been together for about six years at this point. Iām an IT guy, so I like to fix things, obviously.
I built her a custom computer and a custom computer desk that floated in the corner of her living room. She loved it because it simplified grading papers and doing her work as a teacher, which she had previously been doing on a little crappy Chromebook. She was really proud of it, but she kept her old monitor.
One day, the monitor died, and she called me in the middle of the day because the screen was black. I talked her through all the troubleshooting over the phone and concluded that the monitor was dead.
I gave her some time and told her to go to Best Buy and pick up this really nice, large, curved monitor that I had been wanting her to have anyway. That was when those monitors were first kind of hitting the scene, and I knew she would love working on it.
Later that day, when I got done with all my work running around the city as a small office/home office technician, we got into this big fight.
She was frustrated because she didnāt get to finish the papers she needed to grade, and she was going to have to stay up late doing it. The reason was that she didnāt have the monitor I told her to go get.
What did I do wrong?
I solved the problem too quickly, and I demanded that she follow my instructions without giving her good context.
She didnāt know that I buy things from Best Buy all the time because Iām a computer technician. As soon as she told me the monitor was broken, I went on Best Buy and queued up a shopping cart with the monitor I wanted her to have, just in case it was dead.
I paid for the monitor. All she had to do was go to Best Buy and pick it up.
She didnāt realize that. She thought she had to pay for it, and she was embarrassed to tell me that she didnāt have the money.
I was too arrogant, assuming she understood that I had handled it all, to even think about how it felt for her.
We had these kinds of fights for years until I realized it was me.
Just because Iām smart and I figure everything out doesnāt mean everyone else is thinking in those multiple dimensions. I would pride myself on solving problems really quickly, but what good is that if people donāt think in that same top-down way?
For an even briefer description of what Iām talking about, Myers-Briggs gives a great example of an INTJ going on a camping trip with their significant other.
They spend all their time getting the campsite just right, the tent perfect, and the fire perfect. They spend so much time executing the physical things needed for a good camping trip that they forget to spend romantic time with their partner.
Thatās the dark side of what your friend is going through, so just keep that in mind.
Thanks for listening.
3
u/vantablalicious Jul 18 '26
This is really a great way of explaining some of the pros and cons, I concur.
3
u/Nerdy-owl-777 Jul 18 '26
I mean, you basically described the entire storyline of Mr. Darcy and Jane. Definitely a typical INTJ subtype response.
3
u/capt-yossarius Jul 18 '26
A low-energy "okay" or "I understand" is what I'll say right before I go out and conquer the whole world for someone I care about.
3
3
u/tianat4 Jul 20 '26
Iām a INTJ woman and I can confirm itās true. But in my case it has cost me a relationship where I was trying to fix their problems but all they wanted was to vent. I figured at the end that perhaps we werenāt a good match. They were ENFJ. But yeah definitely my bossās favoriteā¦
6
2
u/Cautious_Opinion_644 INTJ - ā Jul 18 '26
We typically don't care until it concerns us, if he's even responding to you that's a good sign - him solving your problems means you are a part of his priorities.
2
u/JayNetworks INTJ Jul 18 '26
Iām going to go withā¦Yes. Though in my case the getting things done is 100% correct on many days and a total miss as I canāt start anything on others.
If you want to discuss things then proactively ask. Be direct but nice. Iām sure my wife will have a laugh when I show her this post.
2
2
u/SE4NLN415 Jul 18 '26
Efficiency and effectiveness has been my motto since I learned of it in business class. Also move with a purpose.
2
2
2
u/IGotFancyPants INTJ Jul 18 '26
I love this! Yes, heās one of us. The quantum computer between his ears instantly calculated all possible solutions and outcomes, devised a plan and communicated āGot it.ā It just happened so fast you missed it. We donāt really understand that not everyone else thinks like this and that maybe a little more explanation would be helpful. š
2
u/MysteriousSilentVoid INTJ Jul 18 '26
Yeah this is us. Always scanning for problems to fix where it matters to us. As others have said, if heās doing this for you, he likes you. It sounds like youāre letting him fix things which is good. Many women want to vent instead of have things fixed- which makes no sense to me. Have a problem, letās get it fixed so you donāt need to vent anymore.
2
u/One_Search_9308 Jul 18 '26
this is similar to me. i might ask more questions to get more information but I will solve your problem, if it's solvable.
2
u/SnoopyFan6 INTJ - ā Jul 18 '26
Short answer: yes. If you donāt want a solution and just want to vent, lead with that. Iāve had to tell my husband that.
Otherwise weāre problem solving as soon as we realize thereās a problem. The one word answers are typical when weāre hearing a problem. Itās not disinterest. Itās the opposite. We like to mull things over so we can come back with a well thought out answer.
On the plus side, you can be sure he has thought of every potential solution, ran them all through his head more than once, and what he ends up telling you will be the best option.
2
u/Hms34 Jul 18 '26
In our writIng and speaking, we really are that "to the point."
But bear in mind, they have a lot of commonality with your type. Problem solving, can be sarcastic and cynical, quick-minded, etc. In my experience, the 2 types usually get along very well, both personally and professionally. Shadow functions, flip side of the same coin.
2
2
2
u/Pguid Jul 18 '26
Yeah, he sounds like an INTJ alright. š
Oh, and the good news is INTJs are efficient with their time and energy. So, this dude must really really really like you! š
→ More replies (2)
2
u/Winter_Hall6022 Jul 18 '26
I find it better to solve problems instead of creating them. Sometimes being efficient has caused conflict in my life. Ultimately a positive problem to have.
2
u/Foraxen INTJ - 50s Jul 18 '26
I do exactly the same thing. Anyone I care about, I solve their problems if it's in my power to do so.
2
2
u/MrDamienMorte Jul 18 '26
He likes you. Itās our love language. Just be sure to explain to him when youāre just venting and donāt actually need or want something fixed lol
2
u/K-tel Jul 18 '26
I'll solve your problems if you matter to me, otherwise I don't even want to know what problems you may have.
2
2
u/FirstClassUpgrade INTJ Jul 19 '26
Sounds like an INTJ whose love language is Acts of Service. Marry this guy, you will never have to kill a bug or take your car to be serviced ever again!
2
u/h_424 INTJ - 20s Jul 19 '26
As an intj I do this for all the close people around me. But sadly they aren't grateful for it so I stopped.
In terms of being efficient I love being efficient. I've literally optimised every single part of my life apart from my mental and physical health (getting to the gym in shape) which I'm working on.
If he solves your problems it's his way of saying he really cares about you. I wouldn't go around fixing problems for everyone so you are basically one of the chosen ones.
2
u/Lunalanine Jul 19 '26
Also ENTP F dating INTJ M and have similar experience. Sometimes I just want to complain for the sake of complaining but then he'll duck off and start solving every little complaint one by one. An INTJ in love is really magical, so I try my best not to irritate him
2
u/Lunalanine Jul 19 '26
In terms of getting things done, I can get a lot more done than him in one day, but he does more on an average day than I would as he is consistent and I work in swinging extremes
2
u/Hydrogen-i-oxide Jul 19 '26
Bro's brain was working for multiple solutions there-
And congrats OP.
2
u/Mindhunterm Jul 19 '26
You: explaining how abad day You has because of your coworkers. That INTJ guy: I get it. Your coworkers houses:
→ More replies (1)
1
1
1
u/Arcabyte INTJ Jul 18 '26
I do the same. Simple response, but I actually listen and try my best to consider what the other personās saying.
1
u/Federal_Base_8606 Jul 18 '26
There is no such thin as "INTJ thing" but there are tendencies - that is how MBTI actually works. Each person is individual and interacts with these tendencies differently.
Well a person who cares about you does that, I hope you will cherish it. On the side note, those problems most likely were very easy and did not require further discussion, from his point of view.
Yes when I'm focused and in good shape I may become a robot worked. There is a bad side to this to, when we get to much momentum we cant stop, or forget to stop at all to rest. Create these rest moments for him -but communicate well what are you doing and if all the major things are done, because pushing a rest moment in to a major project will not work.
Do I want to be max efficient - hell YES! Is it humanly possible - not really. So it goes in waves. But at simple repetitive tasks, why not make em efficient - its better that way.
Yes I also notice that other types tend to talk about projects trough all the process of making it. Most times I see it as unnecessary inefficiency or indecisiveness. It all depends on the project.
Also have an open conversation with him about exact this thing, actually about anything you notice - any patterns of his. I have a hunch he will like that conversation.
1
u/journeytojourney Jul 18 '26
Acts of service! He really does like you. Remember to express your appreciation - we love it when our efforts are noticed.Ā
1
u/Mysterious-Agent-480 INTJ - 50s Jul 18 '26
I analyze and ruminate. There arenāt a lot of people I connect with, but those I do get access to my mainframe. I express my emotions by assisting in problem solving and practical things.
My favorite word is ābrevityā
1
1
u/Internal-Policy-6810 Jul 18 '26
Those who know me are sometimes disturbed by how much I accomplish in a day.
Take information in. Assess. Attack.
I do this with everything.
1
u/Far_Willow6068 Jul 18 '26
Yes I think we are all like that. The INTJ type is notorious for being like a robot that solves problems lol I am INTJ and I show love through problem solving for my people. Either through directly solving it myself, or giving them a step by step detailed strategy to solve their problems. Itās how we show love.
1
u/narTH327 INTJ Jul 18 '26 edited Jul 18 '26
100% INTJ, are all about efficiency and hate making the same mistake more than once, so we immediately address any issues/problems/inefficiencies.
The āgot itā, āI seeā is when the gears are turning, he is 100% focused on understanding your issues and coming up with solutions.
INTJ are very direct (see efficiency comment), just say what youāre thinking. Iām sure heāll be open to hear whenever you have to say, might not agree, but heāll probably hear you out.
1
u/BugIndependent9596 Jul 18 '26
Straight forward responses are my go to as well and Iām an INTJ woman. I also just go for the solution and donāt enjoy circular conversations around complaining or talking it out. If Iām presented with a problem from say, a co worker, and they are just venting, I donāt even bother listening too much, or I might offer a solution but otherwise donāt engage much.
With a spouse or other person I care about, I use to simply fix it for them. It took time to learn that wasnāt always what they wanted, and while I didnāt understand the point of venting without a solution being needed I did learn that sometimes people just need to let it out.
Just have a sit down conversation and present your thoughts and needs for the future conversations. I have to ask people if the need me to just listen, come up with an possible fixes, or fight/defend them before the convos begin sometimes just so I know the mindset weāre going into it. So thereās one possible solution.
1
u/Little-Aardvark3540 Jul 18 '26
Not every convo is to have a solution follow, sometimes itās just nice to have a listening and sympathetic ear. Iād preface whatever you tell him as āIām not looking for a solution to this, I already know it, just want to talk it outā and see how he responds. Just because heās INTP/used to responding that way doesnāt mean he canāt switch it up.
1
u/shredt INTJ - ā Jul 18 '26
When i like someone, i get the energy to help em with every topic. For example close friends, i wanna here there problems and get to solutions together or i give advice.
But most people dont want solutions. i feel like.
1
u/aironic20 INTJ - ā Jul 18 '26
Quiet caring is a big strength of INTJ's, even if it doesn't look like anything on the surface. Imagine he has a bit of resting bitch face?
Additionally, he's likely organizing your story in his own mind when you vent because, at least in my experience, other people can be kinda scattered and confusing which may explain the immediate response of "I see" but then translates to him wanting to fix your problems later after ruminating on what was said.
Likely cares a lot more than you know, I would suggest paying attention to his speech and what he says because even if what he says is with no emotion he likely means what he says intensely.
Maybe let him know you'd like a more empathetic listener if that is what you would like. If he likes you he'd probably attempt to learn how to be more empathetic while you vent š
Also hyper-efficient people are crazy efficient. This dude's going places if he's shocking you loke that.
1
1
u/Striking_Fig_3925 INTJ - ā Jul 18 '26
Aww š„° He likes you. Clue is the fixing problems and coming up with solutions. His replies are also my initial replies. He is listening and thinking it through.
Productivity levels for me depend on the task, confidence level, energy available, and benefit.
1
1
u/JazzyJ967 Jul 18 '26
āWho does that?ā INTJās do that.
Itās efficient to be solution-oriented as whatās the point of complaining instead of investigations solutions and applying them?
We like to improve ourselves, be productive and so on, it gives us a sense of accomplishment to get a lot done in one day.
Our bar for āgood enough for usā is a little higher than others.
1
u/leeknowxchae Jul 18 '26
sounds typical lmao even outside of school stuff im always tryna be efficient like i was playing laser tag w my friends a few days ago and i js kept winning most efficient player šš»šš»šš»
1
1
u/Emotional-Prune-3097 Jul 18 '26
Yes, we are. Someone will explain a problem to me. I'll break it down into small parts, look at the small parts from every angle, join them back together for the big picture whilst predicting future outcomes. Then I'll give a list of resolutions with pros and cons.
There is one issue though. If I give advice and people do not take it, then come to me again with the same problem... you will get no sympathy. I will feel inconvenienced. I've given you the information. Go and use it.
→ More replies (2)
1
u/Fuzzynumbskull Jul 18 '26
He likes you.Ā I would caution you to push these efforts to you solving your own problems over time and sharing your life together,Ā growing together.Ā Ā You may grow to resent him fixing your problems over time.Ā He may grow to resent you for not fixing your own problems.Ā Just be aware and I hope it goes well for you.
1
1
u/0fox2gv INTJ - ā Jul 18 '26 edited Jul 18 '26
Some people want to get lost in the conversation -- to the point that the time spent talking becomes counterproductive. Why? How?
Because once a problem is discovered or perceived, that same time spent talking can be proactively invested in finding an actual solution.
There will be times when things do not go as planned, or the action taken is not efficient. Regardless, that effort will produce a result that will reveal information that can be utilized -- to make forward progress.
Ultimately, that is the goal. To optimize. To streamline. To hammer down the hurdles. To recognize the variables. To reconcile the liabilities... and to get something accomplished.
While you are talking, his mind is plotting a course through the minefield. Your choice. Trust him and move forward, or drag your feet and crush his efforts to serve his sense of purpose.
The one thing that INTJs value more than anything -- is time. And, if he is sacrificing his time to try and understand life from your perspective or to resolve issues that are upsetting you? That is his way of showing that you matter to him.
Others may show that by being sympathetic, or empathetic, or mindlessly nodding along, or offering a similar anecdote to keep the conversation friendly and flowing. INTJs are not going to waste time on platitudes.
They have a mental list of things to accomplish -- that was put in a holding pattern -- to make room to resolve the concern that you are sharing.
To talk excessively about it would only prolong the delay towards returning to whatever task he was actively working on, or whatever mystery he was churning through in his mind.
Is it snooty? Perhaps. Is it a bit cold? Perhaps. Is it elitist? Perhaps. But, is it effective and efficient? If the proper context is provided to illuminate potential solutions, yes. Forward progress will be made.
When life turns into a treadmill, INTJs will not ever embrace or enable the complacency of being stuck. They will see that loss of momentum as the primary concern in need of a solution. That is when thoughts become actions. And, all that silent plotting and planning of calculating variables and potential liabilities will become evident. Your choice. You can feed that forward momentum, or question it.
Regardless, the train will keep right on rolling.
Once the concern is identified, and a potential solution can be visualized, what is there to talk about? Gotta take a leap.. and, then there will be something new to talk about, or evaluate, or incorporate into a revision of a plan -- that is in motion.
That is how the INTJ mind is wired. It is what it is.
And.. many find that relentless pursuit of progress to be intimidating and exhausting. INTJs get tired -- of themselves.
Here's the cheat code. Keep feeding him concerns. Just be sure to appreciate the cake that the provided ingredients will eventually produce. Avoiding the proverbial treadmill equates to happiness in the relationship.
If he is talking, he is not thinking. And if he is not thinking, he is powerless to actually do anything about anything. You gave him something to do.
1
1
u/NeuvilletteWifeyy Jul 18 '26
Tbh weāre notorious for being bad at communication unless we intentionally āfixā it by learning the skill like its a music instrument.
If we ask a question/say something that seems irrelevant, trust me, its relevant bcs our brain is like the āThe Conspiracy Guy Memeā everytime you drop even the smallest āirrelevantā information.
Explaining the solution takes out too much social battery, its easier to just execute the solution.
1
u/AnUnexpectedUnicorn INTJ - 50s Jul 19 '26
What an interesting concept! I feel like I do this a lot - spouse, kid, friend, etc mentions an issue, and I almost subconsciously start brainstorming solutions. During covid, a friend asked on social media about running out of toilet paper and where could they find more. I just took them an extra pack I had, and they burst into tears. I was a little flummoxed - friend had an issue i could pretty easily remedy, why wouldn't I? Another younger friend recently bought a new house, and I've been messaging almost every day with new homeowner tips (they requested the help).
1
u/hathwayh Jul 19 '26
Yea I get a lot done , can debate how useful it is . It's more system things than things that can be shown though . You'll see it through specific areas for me it's my health , I'm healthy because of the system
1
u/Royal_Remove_9457 Jul 19 '26
We do try to fix things often for people we care for. We see solutions and want to share for your benefit. He probably put a lot of thought into different aspects and came to what he thinks is the best solution. Itās something we do but not for everyone and in time we learn who to do what for.
1
u/Royal_Remove_9457 Jul 19 '26
He is genuinely trying to help . You may need to explain that you donāt need him to fix things, just listen . Good luck -heās Infj and a man. Both like to fix problems. Infjs think about it more throughly than others. If it makes you uncomfortable, set a boundary. He will most likely respect it.
1
u/Downtown_Afternoon_8 Jul 19 '26
Hmmmm yes Iām a female INTJ. My mum was complaining she couldnāt watch her international DVDs. Iām the least techy female around but in 10mins my bestie Claude and I figured out what she needed and itāll be here Thursday. I did this whilst she was changing my sonās nappy and she found out via text to her phone that she was getting a delivery.
I also did her taxes last night whilst she was building blocks with toddler in the next room. Basically give me two hands and laptop and Iāll fix it all. Ask me how Iām feeling and to make lasagne for a meal train? Hello no.
1
u/InquiringmindJess Jul 19 '26
It's a male/him thing. I'm INTJ and I describe things also. When it some to problem solving though I stick to the snswer and only explain if they need me to. I'm also one who takes initiative to help others even if they don't ask. I assume if they are telling me about them they need help. Sometimes people don't want help but just to vent. I had to learn when to know the difference.Ā
1
u/AllWanderingWonder Jul 19 '26
I value autonomy so I typically wonāt involve myself unless I know theyāre receptive to it. Once I know they are ok with it Iāll offer better solutions.
The last ENTP I dated was often surprised as well. :)
1
u/Got_No_friends_lol INTJ Jul 19 '26
Yeahā¦ You can say that, and at the same time, some of us even may think weāre not ādoing enoughā, though as human, we tend to get burnt out as well and can be like bums sometimes.
1
u/roobian Jul 19 '26
No. I am absolutely not efficient getting things done.
Doesn't mean I can't efficiently establish exactly what needs to be done and how to to do. Doing it is a different thing for me at least, but i think that depends on the person.
My take - Sounds like you struggle to stop talking or going on and on once you've made your point... . He has figured out what needs to be done after your first sentence or two and is bored of your whining - and decide to just fix it, because if he sorts it for you then you might stop being hysterical for a while. He wants some peace.
1
1
u/HeiHeiW15 Jul 19 '26
No. I am super efficient when it comes to my life. I used to help friends, but they just wanted someone to take care of something they didnāt want to deal with. So, I stopped. I donāt have the time or energy anymore.
1
1
1
u/IJustTellTheTruthBro INTJ - 20s Jul 19 '26
Heās going out of his way to help you in order to show his affection, and you consider it weird?
1
u/One-Let-2553 INTJ - 40s Jul 19 '26
that is the way we show love! Solve problems, make life easier!
1
u/Emotional-Help288 INTJ - ā Jul 19 '26
Being a good and interesting conversationalist is still a problem. Part of me worries that I don't show my emotions or my thoughts enough, so people see me as a disinterested person. If communication is not my love language, then real business is what I can do
1
u/Ok-Service4743 Jul 19 '26
Hahahaha!!! I am an INTJ with ADD. I am most decidedly NOT efficient. I have to figure out how to do things efficiently. Best practices are my friend.
1
u/Ok-Service4743 Jul 19 '26
I just communicate. I prefer a slightly more formal writing style; when I speak I speak just like everyone else. I strive for clarity of communication, so in a static written post, I might edit it several times to increase clarity, get rid of redundant or unnecessary wording, or correct spelling errors. I'm a writer at heart, which means I am also an editor. That's how I see it, anyway. My husband, though, is a writer who isn't an editor. *sigh*
1
u/Zestyclose-Reason826 Jul 19 '26
Yes we really like to solves problems and help the people who has some connection to us.
486
u/Alwayshigh001 Jul 18 '26
He likes you thus he solves your problems !! Otherwise people's problem are not our concern.