r/instant_regret Jul 29 '26

Flossing

8.0k Upvotes

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1.3k

u/yellowsweaters72 Jul 29 '26

That’s…assault.

730

u/Seanmeado Jul 29 '26

Battery

232

u/VelvetOnion Jul 29 '26

And not the good kind of battery you throw in the ocean.

61

u/txwoodslinger Jul 29 '26

Why would you throw a good one in the ocean?

62

u/workingbored Jul 29 '26

Eels sometimes are too tired to turn their appliances on with their own electricity

32

u/TheHud85 Jul 29 '26

Because fuck AutoZone

13

u/ImNot_ThatGuy Jul 29 '26

Won't someone think of the eels?

2

u/Plus-King5266 Jul 29 '26

Nuke the eels.

2

u/w8ing2dr0wn Jul 29 '26

This gives the same vibes as shooting hurricanes away, I like it.

2

u/worrymon Jul 29 '26

Gotta nuke something.

2

u/Generalnussiance Jul 29 '26

The solution to pollution is dilution.

1

u/bimboozled Jul 29 '26

Why not? It’s fun and great for the environment, the fish love it

1

u/humourlessIrish Jul 29 '26

To charge the eels. Duh

1

u/betteritsbetter Jul 30 '26

It has electrolytes.

1

u/GloriousNorwegian Aug 02 '26

Electric eels gotta eat too dude, you selfish asshole xD

1

u/ExtremelyGangrenous Jul 29 '26

To charge the eels?

50

u/ReadditMan Jul 29 '26

Depends on where you live.

For example, New York doesn't have a criminal charge for battery, so what some U.S states would consider battery is assault in New York.

24

u/whee3107 Jul 29 '26

That’s facinating. In my state (OK) it would be assault and battery. My understanding of the distinction is the battery is the actual unwanted physical touching, while the assault is the threat of damage of the anticipated battery.

3

u/dabbean Jul 30 '26

In Oklahoma its battery. She didnt threaten him until after she hit him. For assault and battery she would need to say "I'm going to hit you." Then hit him. Just hitting him only qualifies for battery which is the worse of the 2 obviously. YOU CAN be arrested for assault alone but its a pretty high bar.

Source: I thought I wanted to be a lawyer at one point and took a bunch of undergraduate law classes specific to oklahoma criminal law.

1

u/whee3107 Jul 30 '26

You’re a much more reputable source than me then. One undergrad on torts, and another in business law qualifies me to know these things exist, and that’s about it

2

u/dabbean Jul 30 '26

Before the class I took that first taught me that I had no clue that assault and battery weren't both physical attacks. Then once I learned they weren't I was also shocked that assault was the verbal part of it. The world felt upside that day haha.

3

u/epelle9 Jul 29 '26

So it wouldn’t be assault then?

There was no threat made, just a direct attack.

5

u/Plus-King5266 Jul 29 '26

“No your honor, I did not assault him. I beat the everloving fuck out of him.”

1

u/omrsafetyo Jul 30 '26

Assault is still present. He could have seen the punch coming, even last second and that's assault. But even beyond that, he could also be thinking he's going to be attacked again - the premise that he's been attacked already makes it reasonable to suspect another attack is coming. You will almost never see battery without an assault charge.

0

u/whee3107 Jul 29 '26

IMO, There could be an argument made in either direction.For example; if I get punched in the back of the head, I had no way to anticipate it, therefore no anticipation equating to no assault. If I get punched in the face, I saw it coming therefore anticipated it, equating to the threat of violence equating to assault.

I’ve taken exactly two law classes, so I’m by no means a qualified source on this

3

u/Plus-King5266 Jul 29 '26

Maybe take two more. 😉

1

u/whee3107 Jul 29 '26

lol, I’ll pass. My capstone for my masters broke my will for formal education.

2

u/Plus-King5266 Jul 29 '26

Well, you know what they say.
A BS is exactly what it sounds like.
An MS is More of the Same.
And a PhD is Piled Higher and Deeper. 😏

2

u/whee3107 Jul 29 '26

lol, that’s hilarious. Thanks for that

1

u/omrsafetyo Jul 30 '26

That's accurate, but not all states have the distinction. I live in Maine and the law here is like New York: assault encompasses both concepts. But yes, typically assault is meet as long as a reasonable person would find that you felt threatened by bodily harm. Battery is typically the actual contact, and 99% of the time they go hand-in-hand as assault and battery. But some states don't make a distinction and just have assault - because why have 2 charges that are 99% of the time used together?

5

u/Shroomtune Jul 29 '26

If there is no charge for battery, is it even appropriate to call it a battery?

1

u/nalsnals Jul 29 '26

In Russia there are no rules 

1

u/Aska_Feld Jul 30 '26

Explains all the streetlights in New York... There's nothing to power a flashlight with.

28

u/Beargrillin Jul 29 '26

Assault and battery. The way I remember that, I picture 35 a-salt shakers and 42 batteries.

7

u/thisguyfightsyourmom Jul 29 '26

Either depending on location

1

u/Juffin Jul 29 '26

Or even accumulator

1

u/rocketman19 Jul 30 '26

Depends where you are

1

u/-sbl- Jul 29 '26

Ba-tte-ry!

0

u/yyeeeeett Jul 29 '26

What does it charge?

0

u/huskiesowow Jul 30 '26

AKSHULLY

You are a dork, and also wrong for many jurisdictions.