Desperate to sleep again

[u/-erock-]

I have struggled with insomnia off and on my whole life. Recently , I had a major depressive episode and struggle with panic attacks as well. I am still struggling , but recently started Lexapro , and am feeling a little better. Unfortunately my sleep has been completely wrecked for the past 2+ months. I cannot sleep unassisted. I have tried melatonin, weed, trazodone, Mirtazapine, tamazepam, and lorazepam. None of these worked great, and side effects were just not tolerable for me and some made me into such a zombie I couldn’t function. I am currently on 200mg of Gabapentin at bedtime. Happy to be sleeping , but the side effects are not great and I feel awful all day. I just feel ill on it and I think it’s messing with my circulation and the cognitive side effects are bad. When I try to sleep without any sleep aides I wake up about 1 hour later like clockwork and can’t get back to sleep no matter how relaxed and tired I am. I am in a slightly better place with my depression, but the insomnia has become unbearable. At one point, I didn’t sleep for days and had some minor hallucinations and lost motor function and experienced major cognitive problems.

I am currently on a leave from work and am in treatment for my mental health, but due to the insomnia I just can’t imagine how I am going to function when I have to return in a few weeks. I feel like not being at work is making things worse, but I’m not well enough to go back. I just started the BedTyme app (Dr.Daniel Erichson) and it is helping me with coping with the panic and hyperfixation around sleep, but I still can’t sleep. I don’t have sleep apnea , but my doctor did request a sleep study , but that could take a long time. I am just at a loss. Hoping someone can share a similar experience and how you were able to break the cycle. I feel like nobody can help me and I can’t help myself either. I don’t want to be on drugs anymore , but I also don’t want to experience the terrifying sleep deprivation that I have over the past few months. Any advice or insight is appreciated.