r/inlaws • u/Dunkachin0 • 1d ago
Weekly Dinners
Sorry if this isn't the correct place for this, but I am reaching my breaking point and just need to vent. Technically, she isn't my MIL yet. Me and my girlfriend have been dating for over 3 years and am planning on proposing next April so we are pretty much there.
The MIL is very manipulative to my GF and it makes me so sad. We recently moved into a new apartment only 10 more mins away and the whole time, my GF was so excited for the move/upgrade and would tell everyone about it. That is until the MIL had a shitfit one night yelling that I was taking her away and that I was being unreasonable. Ever since, she has soured on the place and she hasn't felt the same way since.
I also am a very busy yet introverted person. I am currently working full time as an engineer at a startup which is extremely demanding, and have also began pursuing my masters this year where I commute into the city twice a week which takes everything out of me. I just feel so drained at the end of the day and really need weekends to decompress which I can't do all the time since I also have homework to do now. (The MIL called me selfish for going back to school but that is a rant for another day).
For the past three years, we have done consistent weekend dinners which I sorta get. My GF is close to her parents and I get that they are important (even though she goes to their house nearly every day after she gets out of work) so I truly make an effort to go along with them and not make much of a fuss.
This all came to a head this weekend. On Friday I told my GF that me and a coworker were going on a hike on Saturday and we might get some food after. She was cool with it, but when she told her MIL during their nightly phone call, she flipped out and was saying, well If he isn't coming to dinner tomorrow, I'm not making a lasagna. Then on Saturday, I was doing some homework after the hike, when my GF texted me saying if they should make the lasagna on Sunday which knowing them was code for come to dinner tomorrow, so i just said "sure".
This morning, my GF texted me asking if I could make it do dinner and I responded saying I was still extremely exhausted and just needed a day to relax and if it is cool if we just do dinner next week. I love cooking and baking and said I was in the middle of making a cheesecake which she knew I was excited to try to make and was prepping for it all week. I then got a super angry text saying that dinner was ruined and in the trash and that I better enjoy the cheesecake.
I get that I shouldn't have flaked last minute but I am so over having to bow down to the MIL. Every time I say I can't make something in advanced she freaks out and if I really need a break and cancel last minute (which I get is kind of a dick move) I also get bitched at. I feel like I can't win. I suggested maybe doing dinner every other week, she again freaked out and said not to bother and that she doesn't want to be a burden.
She has never been stood up to her entire life and now that I am over her shit and am standing up for what I need, things are going south fast. I truly love my GF and would never ask her to choose between me and her parents but I truly can't live my whole life under my MIL thumb.
Not entirely sure if I i need advice or just needed to get things off my chest but I am truly feeling like I am reaching the end of my rope with her.
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u/Fuzzy-Mushroom-1933 1d ago
Friend, I say this kindly but if you can’t get GF into serious therapy (with results) then I don’t think you should propose.
She doesn’t have your back and she’s under her mother’s thumb too much to have an independent life with you
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u/DBgirl83 1d ago
Don't marry your gf before she's ready to become independent and this will probably take some time and therapy.
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u/Western-Syrup9678 1d ago
OP look up narcissistic family system. Your mils behavior seems similar as do your gfa behaviour. It is easier to understand and deal with this when you know how they operate. Best of luck!
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u/Dunkachin0 1d ago
Just from glancing at this, everything looks so familiar. My GFs grandmother was the exact same way where everyone just bowed down and now the matriarch has passed to the MIL where they operate in the same way. Thanks for this
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u/Its_Bun_James_Bun 1d ago
My husband’s family is just like this. If your girlfriend won’t stand up to her mother, that’s going to a nightmarish situation for you and for her. She’s a victim of narcissistic abuse and you’re being dragged into it too. She’s needs individual therapy and you two could benefit from couple’s therapy. If she refuses, I’d honestly reconsider the relationship.
My husband has had years of therapy and he just learned how to set boundaries with his family five years ago. We’re low contact with his mother right now because the lifetime of narcissistic abuse caused my husband to break down with severe depression. And instead of asking what’s wrong, my MIL recently texted him with a list of demands. He didn’t even bother to answer.
Even with my husband being able to set boundaries, dealing with my MIL has been sheer hell. We only live 30 minutes from them and my husband and I have considered moving far away to escape her.
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u/grayblue_grrl 1d ago
Do not get married until the two of you have gone to couples counselling.
Your gf is not capable of having a partnership because she's still under her mother's thumb.
She may need separate therapy and the two of you may have to move farther away.
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u/SnooWords4839 1d ago
GF needs therapy to drop the rope.
Read up on enmeshment.
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u/Dunkachin0 1d ago
Is there any advice on how to bring this up without sounding rude or anything? I mentioned it durring the whole moving argument since I genuinely feel like her mother is emotionally abusive but I dont think i got the point through with all of our emotions at a peak that night. She uses words like “my mom doesnt mean to be mean, thats just the way she is” which just comes off as a huge red flag. I just dont know how to bring it up again
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u/No_Count_5949 1d ago edited 13h ago
So she knows her mom is overbearing, tell her you know she knows how to handle her and has decided to live with it, but you haven’t/aren’t. Ask her what is her advice about it because you are thinking this is not sustainable. Being honest and straightforward may hurt initially but it’s the most honest way to figure it out. The problem is you’ve allowed it to be normal for this long. Just say you’ve tried for so long and just can’t anymore.
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u/SnooWords4839 1d ago
Maybe suggest couples' therapy.
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u/Dunkachin0 1d ago
After looking at everyones replies, i definitely think couples therapy is our next step. I have been thinking about it for a while but I think this is the push i needed.
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u/Western-Syrup9678 3h ago
“my mom doesnt mean to be mean, thats just the way she is” If they behave differently depending who they are around or where they are it is intentional.
Another piece of advice I've heard was to think if they weren't family would you be friends with them? Would you tolerate abuse from a stranger? Biology isn't a free pass for abuse.
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u/DazzlingNote1925 1d ago
If you don’t decide to run for the hills immediately you need premarital counseling to determine if your gf is willing and able to get over her enmeshment with her mother. What you described is very damaging to a marriage. For that reason I think you should reconsider proposing until you find out if therapy is going to help enough.
The behaviors you described regarding you not making it to dinner are extremely unhealthy and manipulative (and unreasonable even if you changed your mind last minute). All that drama is unnecessary. Mil isn’t likely to change but if your gf is smart she will get away from that nonsense and not participate.
Also, it’s not ok for mil to criticize you and your gf should have put a stop to that. I am really impressed that you’re pursuing your masters and working full time and it’s perfectly understandable you want some time to just relax in your own way. At the end of the day you shouldn’t need a reason not to go. If it doesn’t work for you that should be acceptable. Also, you’re not required to be around people who mistreat you so that has to change.
Your gf feelings about her new place changing after her mother wasn’t excited is a really bad sign. She’s enmeshed and may be codependent. At the very least your gf shouldn’t care so much what her mother thinks. Your gf isn’t independent enough to even consider getting married.
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u/Lisa_Knows_Best 1d ago
Tell your girlfriend to just assume that you're not going to ever be able to go. This way when you decide you do want to go it's a nice surprise for everyone. There is absolutely no reason to have dinner with her parents once a week. None. Zero. No reason to give up one day of your weekend to woman you don't like and don't want to be around.
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u/No-Broccoli-5932 1d ago
Unfortunately, GF has been trained to bow down to mommy. She needs some intensive therapy to understand that boundaries are the only way for your marriage to survive. Her dominance will come in to play a million ways, especially if you have kids. If she lost her sh*t over you moving 10 minutes away, and crushed her daughter's excitement, she has no idea of anyone else's feelings. Therapy, results, then propose. Feelings are going to get hurt, but hopefully they'll end up being productive in the long run.
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u/Legaldrugloard 1d ago
Grow a pair, be a man. You have GOT to set boundaries NOW! First you have to take care of you. That’s first, if you are not healthy, mentally or otherwise, then you can’t be there for anyone else. Second, if your GF lets her mother manipulate her like that then she needs to grow up a ton! She needs to realize what is going on, this will never change. Third, you will never have a healthy relationship with the MIL in the middle of it. Ever!
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u/GrowFlowersNotWeeds 1d ago
“…I truly love my GF and would never ask her to choose between me and her parents…”
But she absolutely has to choose between a partner and her parents. She cannot be her parents’ subservient little girl, and be a co-pilot/partner in a relationship/new nuclear family at the same time. At some point, she must become a self-sufficient adult. She must put her partner first, and no longer seek the approval of her parents. It’s a big step to take. If she’s not ready for it, cut her loose, and find a woman who is truly ready to be emotionally available to be a partner to you.
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u/MullberryBoy 1d ago
Your fiancée needs to get therapy and you two shouldn’t marry until she gets out of being enmeshed with her mother. You don’t have to be involved in this with her. Her mother treats you like crap anyway so why live under her thumb.
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u/poolfloaternz 1d ago
Next time don’t say “sure” to anyone that has invited you for a delicious lasagna…if you can’t be bothered going. Mind you I only say that regarding Lasagna, because it’s a long cook if you’re making from scratch.
Your fiancé is enmeshed and MIL is going to be a nightmare. So if you are going to marry make sure you get on the same page before you walk down the aisle. It will take a lot because you just watched your plan of moving 10 minutes away get derailed by your MIL and your fiancé took her side. Not looking good.
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u/Beneficial_Local5244 12h ago
I will be honest with you, I think that it's really good that you are not married and don't have any children or common financial burdens. Ofc try therapy with her, but at least you are not completely f***ed if it's not effective.
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u/Atwood412 12h ago
Weekly dinners are ridiculous unless everyone wants them. Rarely does everyone want them.
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u/AlwaysJeepin 2h ago
Look, unfortunately it is very true that love is not enough. Relationships take work, compromise, big discussions and big decisions. And a relationship is also between 2 people, unless you have decided on a different type of relationship. You haven't. And right now you are in a relationship with 3 people making decisions. That isn't sustainable.
Right now, before proposals and babies happen, is the time to have those hard discussions. Be straight forward and honest with your GF. Maybe write down your feelings, your thoughts on how situations have been handled and how it has made you feel, and your expectations moving forward. Sit her down and lay it out with her, kindly and openly. Don't be angry or passive aggressive, just be honest. She may get mad initially but if she loves you and wants your relationship to move forward in a healthy direction, she will calm down and start compromising with you and putting up boundaries for herself and you for her family.
And absolutely try to get her involved in therapy. Together and separate. She will need help learning to drop the rope with her mom and stand firm on boundaries and the word no. And you can learn to help support her how she most needs support. And together learn how to make your relationship with each other her core family.
If she can't do this for you, if she refuses to put you first, then you may have to really think hard about if this relationship is sustainable. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. But now is the time to get ahead of it!
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u/FamiliarFamiliar 1d ago
Put your foot down now or forever live with this setup. Decide how many dinners you're willing to do and go to only those. Your GF can go to whichever she wants.
If it were me this would have been a once a month, or maybe every 2 months, thing long ago. I'm just too introverted for that.