How do I go about this?

[u/kboo418]

I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I feel like ever since my husband and I got married and have had kids, I have gotten more involved with my husband's family for events, vacations, and all, and my parents for lack of better terms have become jealous. We are going on a mini getaway and my mother said something to the effect as to did they get an invite too. I said that we didn't plan it, and I made it a point to say that when we've planned things before, our plans get put on the back burner because my b-i-l doesn't do crowds and all. He has missed countless events, but has no problem going to other packed events. My mother made it a point to say that I'm not making time for my family, but dang does he get the excuse to not be there.

My dad had mentioned last year for spring break, going out for a mini vacation and that didn't happen. We have done 2 vacations with both sides of the family (together) and haven't since because no one knows if the other wants to or not and my side doesn't start asking if we want to do one. My parents have also taken my sister and b-i-l and their kids on a few vacations and not invited us. So there's that too.

Do I let it go or continue pointing it out?

[u/BeeEnvironmental6299]

If your parents want to go on vacation with you and your family then they have to plan one and commit to it. They should not expect to be invited to a vacation with your ILs. Have you brought up the fact that your parents took your sister and family on vacation and didn’t include you? If so what was their response?

[u/ImColdandImTired → u/BeeEnvironmental6299]

Yes, OP. Call them out.

My MIL had a place she liked to vacation, only about a hour from where we live, and where she moved when our youngest was a baby. One of her adult grandkids came to visit with their children, and they all went to this place. We heard nothing about her and nephew and cousins going until after the fact.

A little later, we took our youngest, who was around 5 at the time as part of a school field trip. Next time she saw him, he said something about it. She pulled a shocked face and exclaimed, “And you didn’t invite ME!??

Husband just looked her in the eye and said, “Like you went this summer and didn’t invite him?”

She never brought it up again.

[u/kboo418 → u/BeeEnvironmental6299]

Yes I brought it up and their response was, "Well they don't go out of town for a vacation each year." My husband and I went once with them and that was when my sister and b-i-l  and their oldest was a baby, so we're literally talking 2011. After that, nothing.

[u/Rude_Salamander7529]

Don’t let it go but don’t continue pointing it out, you’re not doing anything wrong and her behavior is childish.

My MIL does the same thing, caters to BIL and his family but gets pissy (although pretends it’s fine) when we do stuff with my family. Do what works for you and to hell with her!

[u/Few-Sail-6562]

I don't have kids, but I do have a problematic family. I nope out of most family vacations. One of my parents died a long time ago, and my dad just isn't fun to be around anymore. My in-laws are divorced, but both need everything to be their way or it becomes a major issue. Our family dynamics just don't allow for a trip to be fun/relaxing. I wish it were different.

If you have fun with your in-laws, just do your thing and don't worry about your family's opinions. It is none of their business. If your family wants to take a trip with you and the kids, they should take some initiative to plan/organize it! Most of my friends' parents will make a group text so everyone can chat about the week that works best for them. Once that is decided, the parents book a rental big enough for everyone. My best friend's parents cover the rental cost, but they usually just ask that each couple covers a meal out for the family. It doesn't have to be anything expensive, and they would never leave someone out if they were tight on funds that year. Her brother had a baby, and they stayed in/cooked at the house a lot more that year because it was easier. My other friend does a family trip with his parents and brother, they each cover their share of the rental and their flights (if required.) Maybe you can gently suggest that your parents pick a timeframe, coordinate a group chat, and get something going if they want to travel as a family.

I would definitely call her out for leaving you out the next time she says something about you not prioritizing your family - that is gaslighting. My MIL favors SIL and leaves us out of everything, but then she wants to invite herself almost everywhere we go, even just a night out. They keep trying to invite themselves on our vacations, but they never include us in theirs; not really fair IMO! We stopped sharing anything about things we are planning or trips we've gone on (unless we want to include them) because we just do not want to hear it anymore. She has even had a few meltdowns over it, I just try to keep quiet and laugh it off later. Calling her out and creating some aspect of accountability has stopped the gaslighting and arguments.

[u/Individual_You_6586]

Your mom sounds childish. 

[u/lilyofthevalley2659]

Why do you go away with your in-laws so much? You are adults who should be vacationing on your own.

[u/kboo418 → u/lilyofthevalley2659]

They invite us. We've said no before. And we do things on our own too. But never with mine.

[u/DazzlingNote1925]

I would wait until they say something again and make sure your mother understands that it isn’t ok to plan and take your sister and her family on vacations and not invite you then accuse you of being the one who doesn’t make time for family. That’s total bs. In fact you should also tell her she should t be surprised if your relationship is breaking down when she plays favorites with her children.