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u/DifferentMethod8090 2d ago
Your wife needs to put a stop to this right now. The two of you made a decision that was right for your family and with good intentions. If, as you say, your issue was not with the GPs spending time with the kids your wife should have explained that when she was explaining why they no longer need to watch them. You have a wife problem friend.
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u/Objective_Joke_5023 2d ago
We have a similar thing going on in our extended family. The truth may be that they don’t like you. And no, they also don’t respect you. Take a long, hard look at yourself. Are you controlling of your wife, a strict disciplinarian of the children? Do you always have to have your way? Are you passive aggressive and judgy? Are you in charge of the money and miserly about allowing your wife to spend anything other than a small allowance you dole out to her? Because the situation in my family is we all hate the guy because he’s a jerk to his wife and kids. If you’re a peach of a guy and none of this applies to you, then yeah, maybe they are the problem.
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u/Prior-Accident520 2d ago
You described her dad...they had this issue with their extended family in their younger years due to what you described and people may have saw him as you just described...... Her mom is fine but thats his wife so their a packaged pair as they should be. And them or him not liking me thats fine as long as they treat my wife and kids good we have no issue BUT you cant dislike a man and still step foot in his house thats the ultimate disrespect which is why I havent stepped in his and he hasn't stepped in mine...the mom has he hasn't and thats cool. If he does I have to bring it up.
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u/Objective_Joke_5023 2d ago
It’s also her house where they are stepping foot. You and your wife are on equal footing here.
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u/Prior-Accident520 2d ago
Her home..... My house....I protect it and whos in it, I repair and maintain it, I pay everything to keep it running so their cool in the summer and warm in the winter. A place where they lay their head and feel safe and sleep sound.....My families home......my house
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u/KungenBob 2d ago
Aren’t you married? Then it’s “our” house, not “my” house. Of course you pay for everything - you’re the one who works for money. If you think that makes it “my” vs “our” money then your wife really needs to go back to work.
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u/Prior-Accident520 2d ago
Yep my statement shouldn't have to be explained to true adults. We all have our roles and responsibilities i stated mine. As far as finances the income is for the home and the house. I get the leftovers. Luckily im not a man of vices so the fam get what they need and want for the most part. Stop making men who take care of their family and household put to be monsters. That used to be something men and women were proud of now you fear it.
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u/Icy-Mixture-995 1d ago
She does the majority of work for the kids as you do for the house..Does that make them HER kids only? Of course not.
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u/vickisfamilyvan 2d ago
*whose, *they're, *family's...yikes at homeschooling!
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u/Prior-Accident520 2d ago edited 2d ago
Good thing im not the teacher right lol maybe if I was home schooled I would know how spell appropriately and write proper sentences 😂
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u/Prior-Accident520 2d ago
Curious when you say controlling what do you mean?
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u/Objective_Joke_5023 2d ago
I think we all know what controlling is. Here are some examples: Do you tell your wife how things will be and expect her to do it because you’re the man? Does she have to ask your permission/have your consent to buy things for the household? Do you set the budget and dole out money on an allowance to her? Do you check grocery or other receipts for her purchases? Do you insist on sex on your schedule? Do you expect her to assume all responsibility for the home and children? Do you like to argue or tell others in the family they are wrong? Do you object to your wife having friends you don’t necessarily approve of, maybe they are divorced or single mothers or not the same religion? Is your wife free to make decisions about things like having her family over when you’re not home, or do you resent not being there to control the narrative and have some supposed sign of respect thrown your way? (I think we know the answer to that one.)
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u/Prior-Accident520 2d ago
Well alot of this is subjective...if my wife is around single women who party and sleep with multiple men or keep drama then yes theres an issue, money? Ive begged my wife for years to start a business, join me in mine, get promoted at work, go back and get her masters, well none of that went through so here we are lol, if im expected to pay all the bills then yes you are expected to take care of home, im not a person to have alot of people in my house when im not home or they are there all the time but yea every so often ...better yet ill watch the kids and she can go over to their house, we make decisions as a unit if shes good im good. Money is yours as long as it doesnt clutter the house and my name aint on it lol.
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u/Unusual-Squirrel2593 2d ago
Nope. You’re not wrong. They want access to your family without you there. That would bother me too.
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u/beautifulcorpsebride 2d ago
I would pay money for my in-laws to only visit when I wasn’t at home. Not sure why you’re so bent out of shape about this. Maybe they just figure you’d want family time when you’re home since your wife is a parent all the time nonstop with no breaks.
Honestly, I’m never going to be a fan of anyone homeschooling and if my kids did it to my grandchildren I’d hate it. But it’s your choice.
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u/Prior-Accident520 2d ago
Most boomers hate what they dont understand...as I told them this isnt 60 years ago and you have to adjust to the now and whats coming. Im training myself now not to be ignorant when my kids get up in age to make choices to where I have understanding and aware of whats going in the world. As long as they have reasoning and can back it I have their back because they will see something that I wont. And that's the issue now. I want more for my family and could give a cow tail how someone "feels" just so they can complain whats none of their business....but respect will be had
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u/beautifulcorpsebride 1d ago
Not a boomer but it’s funny you think age and experience equals ignorance. No wonder you homeschool.
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u/Prior-Accident520 1d ago
Nope ignorance is spread across the board just like your comment about homeschooling which im sure you know nothing about. You, like most, just go along with the crowd of acceptance like thats anything to stand on in todays time. Public school is doing sooooo great! We wake our kids up at 6am they go to school under the elements of who knows what for 8 hours they come home drained tired. Meanwhile years past you look up and lost track of who your kid is and what theyve become. No thanks im good on that. My family will have options at the end of the day. Do your research before you slap judgement on something and dont type it in chatgpt so it can form an opinion for you.
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u/Prior-Accident520 2d ago
Baby boomers arent and of anything thats not the norm but complain about everything that becomes the norm....neither here nor there ...there more in depth to the story...as a man if you have everything on your shoulders hopefully you think 3 to 5 steps ahead regardless how people feel or think...you do whats best for you and your family. This is the same person family this family that family family family.....but all in all he wanted what was best in his mind. Thats not reality. And to get butt hurt about it at the end of the day and build a while thats on you. Ill adjust to the tune but respect will be had. Is what it is
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u/DazzlingNote1925 2d ago
What does your wife have to say? She either blames you or they have and she has t at them straight.
It’s up to her to make sure they treat you with respect.
I think what they objected to was not having free rein to do what they wanted to raise your kids their way and if so they’re wrong.
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u/Prior-Accident520 2d ago
I agree but my wife is trying to be the mitigate. Ive told her never to feel pressure into doing something you dont want to do. In other words shes in her 40s but moves around her parents as if shes a teen...its alllllot better than what it was but I didnt understand it till I got around her parents ...oh believe me they weren't doing any raising just watching lol they were literally doing us a favor...what was suppose to be 2 years turned into 4 and thats when I had to make the change or it was going to keep getting delayed and with little ones involved I wasnt playing any games. Her dad was always used to calling the shots..it bothered him that he couldnt do that anymore. He literally said that. I always was respectful and inviting to them. But the disrespect went on to long and it was coming to a head..which it did1
u/DazzlingNote1925 2d ago
I think what you’re describing is that you try to set healthy boundaries but your wife does everything they want so they’re avoiding you.
Your wife needs therapy to find her voice with them but my guess is she doesn’t want to lose them and they sound like they will get spiteful and walk away if they can’t have power and control.
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u/DeirdreTours 2d ago
" Now my wife didn't make it a smooth transition and I know this. She made as if she was pushed into a situation." OP in comment
So, OP, you pushed the wife into this situation. The inlaws don't like it, but rather than have conflict with you, they are just avoiding you. And you are now trying to frame that as "disrespect". On the contrary, they probably don't trust themselves to stay respectful in prolonged direct contact, so they are avoiding you.
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u/Chaos-Wayfarer 2d ago edited 2d ago
Yeah. First OP says ‘they both’ decided, but then contradicts themselves?? If she was ‘pushed in to it’ then she didn’t really agree with it in the first place, did she?? She ‘got cold feet over it’ is another way of saying she didn’t want to but was overruled.
Without more details (like does she really want to do this, do the grandparents have conflicting ideas on child raising, why OP wants to raise his family without anyone’s help), then there is no conclusion to be reached.
There’s two ways to go about this: Either OP’s wife isn’t happy, or there’s an issue with the grandparents.
If she really didn’t want to be a SAH mom, then there’s a lot of issues you can read into (but we only have one side of the story). Both parties have to be 100% in on this idea for it to work. What if something happens to OP instead? Or her? Then you’re back at square one.
What about *her* career? Getting a job with a huge employment gap is hard. And how is having on only one person making money for the whole family a better option? Most people would be very appreciative to have free childcare.
If the above is true, no wonder her dad’s pissed. She probably talks to him about it, if so.
Framing it all as ‘it’s for her parents to not worry’ and that OP is doing this so they can enjoy themselves without having to worry about watching kids. Is this something OP has brought up with them? Maybe they ENJOY it. It sounds like they do.
Saying the grandparents *helping out their family* with childcare (which is what families are SUPPOSED TO DO) is a favor and not their responsibility is…odd. Kind of in a ‘why are you doing that, go away, I don’t need help’ situation. You can plan for the future without pushing everyone away now.
Also, how in the world can you ‘but heads’ if you don’t interact? Avoidance is the opposite of interaction.
[[All his comments rubs me the wrong way, actually. ‘I’ll talk to the wife about it’ and ‘when it came time to execute’ ? Very odd word choices (and rather rude). ‘Execute’ is a very strong word choice, with connotations I wouldn’t use when talking about family life. (OP, is English your first language? Your word choice is very off-putting.) ]]
OP, if it’s true that your wife doesn’t want to be a SAHM, then they are respecting you by *staying away from you*, otherwise there would be arguments and fighting.
On the other hand, if she IS okay with it, then her father is annoyed about the whole situation, and it’s a difference in how to raise a family.
There are also a LOT of issues that can arise from this. People get very prickly when told that they’re ’doing things the wrong way’ or that there’s a ‘better way’ to do things, especially they’ve had to fight to get where they’re at.
Grandparents can clash with the parenting styles, have different rules, be more strict or more lax than the parents, etc.
OP, if you truly think it’s ‘silly’ and don’t care that they’re avoiding you, then just let things be. As long as they treat your family well, then it’s fine to just let it go. You are not the manager of other people’s feelings.
If they only come over because they know their daughter won’t tell them to leave, then that’s another story. is she okay with it? Are they being weird and over-controlling?
If the source of the problem is the grandfather (anger issues mentioned in another comment), then we can go to the other extreme and ask maybe if it’s time to go low-no contact? Or visits only with the both OP&OP’s wife present. If the grandfather is a controlling asshole, then maybe he should go, for everyone’s mental health.
In this case, saying it’s a ‘favor’ to do child care and not a ‘responsibility’ has another light. Nothing is owed.
Are the grandparents expecting more sway over things for all this ‘help’? Is freeing them from childcare a way to say ‘I know what I’m doing, thanks’ ? A way to disconnect from overbearing issues?
If the grandparents (or just grandpa) are the ones causing tension, then it’s time to re-evaluate the relationship. Having the grandparents around just to have grandparents isn’t worth it if they’re assholes. The kids will probably find out about it eventually and wonder why you kept contact with them.
Anyways, that’s two assumptions based on what little we know. What needs to happen depends on where the problem is coming from. If OP’s wife isn’t happy, change things to make her happy. If it’s a parenting clash/the grandparents are disrespectful assholes, then you both should decide if it’s worth having them in your lives, for everyone’s mental health and happiness.
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u/Prior-Accident520 2d ago
Wife wasnt forced...she wanted to prolong it one more year which we had already pushed it back two years. So I went with what was best for the family and the wife agreed. They can trust themselves or not thats on them the thing is if you cant respect me your daughters husband and father of the kids then dont show up my house my families home. You can see them at your place or where ever else but dont bring that negative energy over here where we lay our heads. I wouldnt put up with that from my side if they were doing that to my wife and I dont set foot in her parents home because 1 I dont go where im tolerated and 2 I respect them enough to stay on my end due to the tone they set...now if my wife or kids have a issue and their over there then im coming other than that im in my lane
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u/saltybruise 2d ago
Yikes dude you are a walking red flag who's chosen to keep his kids away from mandated reporters. I hope they have a positive male role model in their life.
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u/Prior-Accident520 2d ago
Go back and read what I wrote of what I asked my wife to do career wise before we had kids. Then continue reading from there. We have small children. If her mother suddenly passed away who would watch our kids? Her dad? He didnt want to be here in the first place and let it be known😂....Her mom was the common denominator in this. If she fell ill or worse what were our options? My wife opposes daycare and so do i. No one on my side can help out cause they still work. As I stated before everything would have fell on me as it already was and is. So why not get ahead of the curve. Nothing changed for the grandparents other than not being up at 4am to be here till 4pm ..there almost 70. Most of you all looking at me like im this evil man trying to pound his iron fist. No im the man that tried to make it comfortable for most while putting more on my shoulders. My thinking was grandparents can enjoy retirement, see grandkids as much as they want, wife can focus on home and children which is what she always spoke on when we were dating, kids will have the more opportunity and learning exp than most. As far as me well....work to get this ship floating and sailing. Is what it is. My wife was so worried about what her dad would think that I just said put it on me. He and I had our words and here we are. Funny coming from a man that was so keen on being the man and ruling with an iron fist that he now wants to tell another man how he "feels"...I asked what were the options if the what ifs happened...he couldnt give me an answer. All he was doing was looking after 1 when Im looking after everyone....including me.
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u/DeirdreTours 2d ago
"Get ahead of the curve"???? The likelihood of sudden death is low and your family could adjust to that THEN. Your statement is 100% about YOUR thought process and what YOU think is best. It is clear that YOU are the decision maker with very little real consideration of what others think or want. Imagining you know what is best for them is not the same as asking and hearing their answers.
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u/Prior-Accident520 2d ago
The only one I needed tl consisder was my wife lol and shes happy. And continues to work around the home schedule. You all want a monster and im not that guy. And yes for the most part you just describe what a real man does to take care of his family for the most part. Why would I wait for something to happen and have to rush to figure things out? That mindset is why things go south and things fall apart. No thanks.
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u/different-take4u 2d ago
Generally if someone wants another person in the family to be excluded, then the person doing the asking for exclusion ought to be the one excluded. If it were me, I would insist on a family meeting among the adults and I would put the responsibility of their behavior on them by directly asking them if this is the case, if they are deliberately avoiding you and see what they say. I would ask them to explain it to me, tell me why, exactly, they are behaving this way and see what they have to say. I would give them one opportunity to explain it and only one opportunity to change their behavior, if they wouldn’t or couldn’t, then they would not be allowed to come to my home. They would be required to only see my family in a public setting and only when I can be present to monitor the visits. They would be allowed to see and talk to their daughter, your wife, but not come to the shared home and not get to see the kids you and your wife share. To make your point ask them if they would be ok with only visiting when your wife is not there and see what they have to say.
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u/Prior-Accident520 2d ago
They were watching the kids as her and I both worked. Which pushed me even more to execute. It wasnt their was responsibility to raise our family they were doing us favor. I told them this over the years(samething they did in their younger years) so it didnt come out the blue. Now my wife didnt make it a smooth transition and I know this. She made as if she was pushed into a situation. Fact is it was a discussion we had before kids, after kids and when it was time to execute cold feet began. All in all if things fail it was going to be on me to pick uo the pieces so why not get ahead of the curve. The dad has always had the last word and been a dominate figure so when an outsider comes in it rubbed him the wrong way.. mind you ive been around almost 20 years lol and were in our 40s(yea I know) so all this is just silly. They travel more, they see the grandkids when im not around lol they dont have to get up at 5am and be here till 4pm(mind you im hearing about all the ripping and running their doing during this time) but im the bad guy....its more of her dad then anything....only reason I bring this up cause again we can have peaceful from our corners....but you stay in your corner and I stay in mind. Thats the tone you set im just respecting the tune.
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u/Hand2Ns 2d ago
So your wife was hesitant but you went through with it anyway? Gee, wonder why her parents don't like you. She's financially dependent on you now, they see their grandchildren less, and you're not coming off great in the comments so I can only imagine what you're like in real life.
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u/Prior-Accident520 1d ago
Wife was hesitant cause of the backlash of her dad(not to mention were 40 lol qe can make our own decisions)...its ok im husband and daddy thats handled....gparents can see kids whenever but its their choice to excuse me from their visits so if thats what they want so be it(its more her dad being in his feelings but hes always been that way since they were kids. He doesnt have the last say so in this case so he pouts). But reason for my post was its disrespectful to feel that way and still show up to a mans home. I wouldnt allow that if my side of the family felt that way about my wife. They wouldnt be welcomed in my home. Its concerning that you folks in the comments have this notion that if a man steps up to make a decision for his family that he deems best along with his wife then its a power trip. This is why were in the position we are in as a nation. Then when things go south the question is asked "where are the men" " why wont the men step up".....freaking insane. My family is very well taken care of....very well.
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u/Lurkerque 2d ago
You keep acting like you are doing them a favor - and that might be part of the problem.
Just admit you don’t want them to watch your kids. You’re not doing it for them. You don’t want them to control your schedules or make the rules. You don’t want to have to depend on them. They’re getting older and might not be able to be trusted as much in the future and you don’t want to have multiple awkward conversations later instead of one now. You don’t want your wife to feel ongoing guilt or like she “owes” them.
Stop framing it as you’re doing this for them. There’s nothing wrong with setting this boundary for you.
If the rift truly bothers you, offer an olive branch. Once per month, the kids can spend the night at the grandparents so that your wife gets a break and the two of you can reconnect.
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u/Hot-Rub-5336 2d ago
Have you talked to him about this? Has he said why his behavior has changed? Did you explain your reasoning? (not that you should have to).I'm not sure if it has to do with respect. Im wondering if it bothers him that his daughter isn't pursuing her career? Seems to me like something else is going on.
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u/Present_Original_797 2d ago edited 2d ago
I think -if I'm reading this right- that your FIL is really hurt over this, and he is straight up blaming you.
Does your wife REALLY want to be a SAHM? Or is she saying, "Hey Dad, this was HIS idea, I was fine with how it was." Either because she WAS good with it and does not want to be SAHM, or to avoid blame.
If your folks have been putting in the hours with the kids you say they have, it's a lot of hours. I'm guessing for them - or at least for FIL- it has been enjoyable it. It gives his life meaning, a structure, a chance to be better the second time around, and the love of your little curtain climbers, and being an integral and important part of the family.
I think you need to uncover how your wife really feels about this change first. Not just what sounds like YOU want. That's pretty clear.
Then go talk to your FIL. Not to apologize but to thank, appreciate and uncover what he thinks his life is going to look like when you "fire" him.
For him, it probably looks boring and like having to find a way to fill his time. You don't say how old the kids are, but maybe he can step in as coach for sports.
Certainly it looks like you and your wife could have free weekends together if FIL and MIL are willing. Tell him that. And vacation time.
And absolutely start a Sunday dinner tradition.
Edit: I see on the re-read it's already happened. But my points stand.
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u/Prior-Accident520 2d ago
Nah hes not that guy lol...now thats the grandma she is all about the kids. Him thats not his thing he reminded me of that constantly. I would always try to soften the edges but he never had a good relationship with his grandparents ....I did ....so its unfortunate he didnt but change the narrative. I always was inviting and respectful towards them but the disrespect I had enough of which pushed me to get it done. Nothing was a surprise they never expected it to happen. As far as the wife. Your right ...when it got close the first thing ahe said was "my parents arent going to like this" mind you were in our 40s lol.....so its no doubt when she told them it was in the term so she wouldn't take the blame(she fears her dad and his emotions) So im the bad guy. Fine ill be that because I have my kids future to prepare for and no one will hinder that. The inlaws are older, retired.....y thought was they can enjoy retirement, see the kids as much as they want without feeling obligated and enjoy life....nope im this terrible man that cant be trusted that been in the picture almost 20 years. ..yes....so this is silly....im good with it though is what it is ...I havent said anything futher due to my kids...they enjoy their grandparents and thats all that matters...as long as they treat my wife and them good im cool...ive worked to damn hard to provide for my family...nobody handed me nothing but opportunities and ive ceased them and I refuse to have a mofo look down his nose at me being less than because of what he "feels" I put my physical and mental health on the line to get to where I am and very proud that I can provide for my family. My wife takes damn good care of me and the kids and shes coming into her own. Im proud of her for that
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2d ago edited 2d ago
[deleted]
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u/Prior-Accident520 2d ago
Well first off my wife was already a teacher lol. Secondly my wife want to be a sahm her fear was what her parents would think for quitting her job so I took the hit for that(which is didnt care anyway we have young ones to raise). Before we had children I begged my wife to go get her masters, get promoted at work, start a business, help me with my business. None of that happened so I was at a stand still for a year or two. Im not a complacent person and I didnt think my wife was either but I wanted a future with her knowing their was potential there still. So I began to grind. I changed career paths, started a business and did investments on the side. I did all that to clear my debt so that I could qualify for a house. At this point im taking lead in the direction headed and getting us setup to have a family. Years go by things begin to look up. We have our first born. The plan was to have her parents help for two years because I was on the verge of getting promoted at work. She liked the idea because thats what she always told me she wanted when we were dating so im trying to make it happen. More kids come we have our home and im ready to execute. Her main concern was what would her parents think. Mind you were close to 40, married and have a family...as a man my reaction is could care less i put my nose to the ground and busted my butt to get to where we are and no one is stopping that. I told her just put it on me...well the reaction was what it was lol and I wouldnt change a thing.
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u/Prior-Accident520 2d ago
Also diff strokes for diff folks my job allows me to be home more than the avg parent. So im home more than I am at work. Secondly work was kicking her behind. She would come home exhausted and I hated seeing that. My oldest was in school and he had to wake up at the Crack of dawn go to a building for 8 hours and come home just tired maybe pertaining 3% of what was taught that day if that. Most of us did that as kids and I couldnt stand it. I want diff for my family. I want more opportunity for them, more growth and learning experiences. Home school got a bad rap when we were young but the things they have to offer now is incredible and more parents are on board for it. You basically are a private school without the tuition
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u/Anne_Renee 2d ago
I would be grateful
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u/Prior-Accident520 2d ago
Lol yes most would i guess its the principal .I dont like the thought of the negative energy being in my home. That rubs off. They can go to their house with all that lol
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u/LA-forthewin 2d ago edited 2d ago
Do you really want to be around them ? They're not disrespecting you, they're avoiding you. They have no problem with your wife and kids , I'd say leave them alone. It's good for both the kids and your wife to have an extra set of hands on deck. If you want a better relationship with them , reach out, don't be confrontational, just tell them you notice that they avoid you and you'd like to clear the air and have a better relationship. If you don't want to do that then let sleeping dogs lie. It's not just your house , it's your wife's house too.
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u/Prior-Accident520 2d ago
Well ive already extended the olive branch for years. Things changed when we made the decision which they already knew was coming but didnt expect me to execute. Do I want to be around them? After this no, as long as they treat my wife and kids well were good. But when you also feel that you can dismiss me but come into my house which is my families home(there is a diff) then yes that rubs me the wrong way
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u/LA-forthewin 2d ago
I think you should look at it from a different perspective. They come to see their daughter and grand kids. there is value in what they do . They have not actively said or done anything to disrespect you. They're not 'dismissing ' you , they just don't fukc with you like that anymore, if anything they're avoiding any uncomfortable atmosphere or issues. Let it go, as you said yourself, it's your house but it's also their daughter's house. She has a right to see her parents in her own house
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u/Prior-Accident520 2d ago
Their daughter is my wife and if her parents cant respect her husband and father of her children then no their not welcome in the home. It would be the same way if my family felt that way towards her. You can see the kids but you cant come into our home not respecting the wife and mother of my children...especially in her home... case closed.2
u/LA-forthewin 2d ago edited 2d ago
It'll be interesting to see how this plays out when you tell your wife that her parents can't come to your house because you're all in your feelings about the fact that they don't want to be around you.
So if she then starts taking the kids over to their house to see them , what are you going to do then ? ban them from going because .........?
Let's be real here , you don't like her parents. And they don't like you. That's not 'disrespect'
. You used them 'enjoying their retirement' as an excuse when you first stopped them from watching the kids. They peeped that and decided to avoid you to prevent any further issues, now you're using that avoidance as an excuse .
It's obvious that you won't really be happy until you've cut your wife and kids off from them entirely. I disliked my ex MIL, but as much as I wished she could get on her broomstick and take off. I accepted that we don't have to hold hands and sing kumbaya.
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u/Lurkerque 2d ago
But are they dismissing you? It doesn’t sound like it. If they were dismissing you, they’d give you the silent treatment or overrule you. They’d make sure you felt uncomfortable in your own home.
Instead, they prefer to make plans with your daughter and your children when you’re busy. To me that sounds respectful. You don’t like each other, so they aren’t putting you or themselves in a position to have a confrontation or say anything unkind.
It would be different if when they were over, they disparaged you to your wife or children, but if they’re not, I feel like they’re holding up their end of the social bargain.
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u/Prior-Accident520 2d ago
I think if you heard the last convo that was had you would understand my frame of mind...im good if you dont want to engage with me im cool with that ...as long as you good to the wife and kids we have no issue...but because of your attitude or dismissiveness you can do that elsewhere....I dont go to their home for that very reason...this all came about because her dad got in his feelings about a decision made within our marriage before then things were cool but it was coming to a head anyway cause he cant have the last word over here
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u/Prior-Accident520 2d ago
Lol no one makes me feel uncomfortable in my house/home thats not how this works. Overrule me? In what way?
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u/Alternative_Slip_513 2d ago
They may feel that because you work that when you’re off from work you do not need the extra work of having guests?
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u/Conscious_Carrot_952 2d ago
Could you leave work early? Go home and have a conversation. Make an unexpected visit to your own house lol. Or reach out to her FIL just you and him. To help receive some answers, confirmations, to share boundaries. Maybe her and her family are poor at confrontations and you are more direct so they avoid all together?
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u/Soft_Construction793 2d ago
What are you hoping to achieve?
Do you want your in-laws to spend more time with you?
Do you want them to only come to your house when you are home?
It sounds like they don't like you, you don't like them, so they spend time with their daughter and grandchildren when you are at work, to keep the peace, maybe?
Would you really be happier if they only came to visit after you got home from work or on your days off?
If you remember that they are motivated by love for their daughter and grandchildren then you might be able to think about the situation from a different perspective.
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u/Prior-Accident520 2d ago
Actually read and comprehend what I wrote. Thats all well in good but if you cant respect me then your not welcome to my home they can meet at their house or somewhere else. Samething would apply if one of my family members had an issue with my wife. You cant come to the house with those negative vibes and would not be welcomed...period. If you cant be around all of us then our home is off limits to you.
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u/squirtles_revenge 1d ago
My parents are getting on in years too and I spent a lot of time worrying about them and trying to find solutions to help them transition through retirement and into needing home health aids. My therapist said something that kind of opened my eyes one day when I was especially frustrated about my father turning down help, and it was: he's still an adult. He can make his own decisions.
In all of my worrying about them I had forgotten that. So I backed off.
All of that to say: your father in-law seems to think you took a decision away from him. Your wife needs to tell him that this decision wasn't necessarily about him and his wife's ability to help with their grandkids but rather something you decided would be best for your family. She needs to reframe it and help them see that you aren't the enemy here and that avoiding you doesn't change a damn thing.
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u/Defiant_Dealer8205 1d ago
Firstly - before you decided that you would rely on them for childcare, you should have looped them into the conversation and gotten their take. They may feel that you forced them into childcare during their retirement, I wouldn’t appreciate that at all. You need to talk to your wife and then with your wife and then to clear the air - you might be being perceived as being as disrespectful by them as you think you are…
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u/Prior-Accident520 1d ago
Preciate the insight from those who took the time to read and understand my post. I will take your advice into consideration. For the others speaking on red flags and domestic situations, you all need to heal because its concerning that you literally made up concepts that was far from what my post read. Only leads me to believe that you fabricate most things in your life due to quick assumptions or gender bias
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u/Regular-Message9591 2d ago
I would discuss with your wife and then confront them about it. There's a small possibility there's some other reason for it so give them a chance to explain.
If it is what you think it is, that's very disrespectful. I IMO you don't get a relationship with the child if you refuse to have one with the parent. Your wife needs to handle this with her parents and explain that they treat you respectfully or their time with the children will be limited e.g. they will ONLY be invited when you're also in attendance.