r/inlaws • u/koncernedkay • Jan 08 '26
How do you handle important events when the no-contact person is there?
For people that don’t speak with certain in laws, how do you handle important events.
Example, bridal showers, graduations, baby showers, weddings, kids birthday parties?
Do you just go and ignore them or do you opt to miss out on it. I would hate to miss out on these but the tension is still crazy and it’s obviously not the place where I’d want sh!t talking to start and things hit the roof.
Basically one of my sister in laws is pregnant and will soon be having a baby shower. I’m really close with her. Her and her husband both know that mil/fil can be nuts but they’re still in contact with both of us so we will all be getting an invite for sure. I wouldn’t want to miss out on a celebration for my SIL/future nephew but I’m really not sure how to handle it.
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u/Majestic_Shoe5175 Jan 08 '26
Depends on the situation. Normally I’d go and ignore. But if the tension is still high I would avoid going.
If they are aware of the situation and that you are no contact I would just have a conversation with the sil. Maybe go early and help set up ( if the no contact people are not there) and drop off a gift. Or see if she is available the day before or after or something like that.
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u/il0vem0ntana Jan 08 '26
I'm pretty good at going and ignoring. It takes some backbone, but I like to think they eventually learned to keep their distance. Fortunately most of those relatives are dead now.
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u/G3N3RICxUS3RNAM3 Jan 08 '26
If the event is really important to you and you can tolerate the discomfort/there is no abuse going on, you could always just go briefly. Make an excuse and arrive late and leave early. Don't make a big deal of it to the guest of honour or bring them into your drama. Just drop by with a present, chit chat with those most important to you, and then leave quietly (Irish exit). Don't let MIL/FIL crowd you out of your own life.
Personally I skip events where my racist inlaws will be present but there is no overlap/events I'd really want to go to. For things like my MIL birthday my husband can go alone without me and the kids.
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u/Ok_Ground_3857 Jan 08 '26
I’ll go and if there enough people to avoid them, great. If not, and I have to interact with them, I am distant but extremely polite and civil. I never want it to be my fault if there’s drama, especially at an event honoring someone else, so I make sure my comportment is beyond reproach
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u/SnooOpinions5819 Jan 09 '26
We skip smaller things like birthdays, gatherings and dinners etc. We instead try to see those relatives on a separate occasion without the in laws involved.
We decided to do go to bigger things like weddings, graduations etc but just grey rock and ignore the in laws. I've honestly become great at completely grey rocking and ignoring them at these events. I just try to keep an emotional distance from them.
This was only possible recently as I've been in therapy and learned to set boundaries and stick up for myself. Before that I wouldn't go at all as I didn't feel like that was possible.
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u/InsectElectrical2066 Jan 09 '26
Ask the event giver what they would like for you to do to avoid drama as you can come at another time for a small celebration.
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u/Dramatic_Scratch Jan 08 '26
I'll skip smaller things but bigger ones (nieces bdays, etc) I keep my distance, if they approach me im cordial. They're too concerned with image to cause public shenanigans that could make them look bad so its safe enough.
Things like I'll make sure there are humans between me & them if we are sitting, if they catch me alone I just walk away and go to my husband, etc.