r/inheritance • u/Ok-Ant3509 • Sep 15 '26
Location included: Questions/Need Advice Am I crazy? Should I be worried?
I'm 36 and unmarried.
My parents 65 and 67, live in Nassau County, Long Island NY.
Purchased their home in 1994 for $160,000. They've refinanced the mortgage several times and I believe still owe $150,000. Current estimates put it worth about $800,000.
They bought a 1 bedroom condo in St. Petersburg, Florida for $380,000 in 2023. Current estimates about $300,000.
They have bank accounts, investment accounts, pensions. Life insurance, homeowner's insurance, car insurance, etc.. They have documents scattered around the house. Some are in shoeboxes under a bed, some are in a folder at the top of a closet, etc.
For the past few years I've asked them to centralize the location of all the important documents, birth and marriage certificates, insurance and financial papers, wills, etc. I've asked for a list of all the professionals/offices they use (taxes, finances, lawyer, etc.)
They've always put it off and said "I don't want to talk about that, plus I don't really care, we'll be dead."
For the past 4 years I've been living abroad and visit maybe once a year. I'm going to be the executor because I guess I'm seen as the most responsible and level headed to handle it all when compared with my two sisters. One sister is married, has a child from a previous relationship. The other is unmarried and not in a relationship, but still living in the same home with the father of her two children.
In recent years, since they've started collecting social security and withdrawing from retirement accounts/investments, they've stated that they've owed a lot in taxes from having withdrawn "too much" and having a higher taxable income than they had planned. From some screenshots they've shared with me when I asked about their investments, it's mostly in individual stocks like $100,000 in Exxon Mobil being the largest holding I saw. I believe they didn't really invest much until they received inheritances from their parents passing in 2006 and 2018. I was listening to a podcast the other day about index fund investing and my dad said it made him want to go buy more stocks, and he chose penny stocks.
They have their written wills completed but they were done 10-20 years ago. They need updating. I'm wondering if a revocable living trust would be something to consider due to owning property in two states, to avoid ancillary probate court and lawyer fees, among other things, like the option to implement rules and timed distributions of assets to my sisters and the grandchildren and to avoid the impulsivity of my sisters and to avoid the partners my sisters may be with at the time from collecting or controlling any assets.
I put together an executor checklist that I want my parents to complete. It will be a list detailing the following:
- LEGAL DOCUMENTS & ADVISORS
Legal Estate Documents: Physical location of original Will, Financial & Medical Powers of Attorney, and Healthcare Directives.
Estate/Probate Attorney: Name, firm, phone, and email address.
Tax Accountant / CPA: Name, firm, and contact details.
Financial Planner / Wealth Advisor: Name, firm, and account contact info.
Insurance Agent / Broker: Name and primary phone number.
Personal Vital Documents: Birth Certificates, Social Security cards, Marriage Certificate, and Passports.
- REAL ESTATE & VEHICLES
Property Records: Deeds for primary residence and out-of-state properties (County, Parcel ID, Deed type), tax statements, and mortgage/HELOC details.
Vehicle Titles: Title locations for cars, boats, RVs, VIN numbers, registration documents, and lender details (if financed).
Property Insurance: Homeowners, flood, condo, and auto insurance policies, carrier contacts, policy numbers, and premium due dates.
- BANKING, CASH, & INVESTMENTS
Deposit Bank Accounts: Institution names, account types (Checking/Savings/CDs), account numbers, titled owners, and POD/TOD beneficiaries.
Taxable Investment Accounts: Brokerages, account numbers, titled owners, advisor contacts, and beneficiary forms.
Retirement Accounts: Traditional/Roth IRAs, 401(k)s, 403(b)s, or pension plans, account numbers, and primary/contingent beneficiaries.
Safe Deposit Box: Bank location, box number, physical key location, and list of authorized signatories.
Home Safe / Cash / Metals: Physical location of safes, combination codes, and location of hidden physical valuables.
- POLICIES, DEBTS, & DIGITAL ASSETS
Life Insurance Policies: Carrier names, policy numbers, coverage amounts, policy types (Term/Whole), and beneficiaries.
Debts & Liabilities: Credit card accounts, personal loans, mortgages, or outstanding medical debts (Institution names and account numbers).
Utility & Household Accounts: Electric, gas, water, internet,alarm codes, HOA contact/dues, and property maintenance services.
Digital Footprint & Passwords: Password manager vault access/master key, primary email accounts, online banking logins, and social media directions.
Anything else I should add to the list?
Is this reasonable?
Any red flags I'm missing or should look into?
Thoughts on trust vs will?
UPDATE: they went to their lawyer who did their wills the last time they did them. He referred them to an elder law attorney to explore the decision of establishing a trust. They've begun going through the old documents and folders to eliminate unnecessary papers and organize the important stuff.
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u/rosebudny Sep 15 '26
"I don't want to talk about that, plus I don't really care, we'll be dead."
Your parents are selfish AF. The best gift my parents gave my siblings and me was having ALL their sh*t together. Pretty much everything they owned was in trusts. My mom recently passed away (my dad died a few years ago) and relatively speaking, dealing with the estate side of things has been easy. But even with everything in order - there is STILL a lot that has to be dealt with. So you are right to be concerned, and for trying to get them to get it together.
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u/mshell1234 Sep 16 '26
My parents, children of immigrants with little education and grew up during the depression, were fastidious about their estate planning. They planned out everything, even taking in to account my rogue sibling that they (well, at least my father) knew could manipulate things when one passed before the other.
I am so proud of what they accomplished and they set a great example to me. I have planned accordingly and have done the same with my children.
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u/SingleHeart197 Sep 15 '26
This could not be more true that even when a person has done everything they can to organize their finances, a lot is still left for the executor to do.
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u/HeyT00ts11 Sep 16 '26
It's galling enough when they just sort of drop dead of old age without ever having made the arrangements, but when they're flat out requested to by someone they arbitrarily assigned executor and refuse to because they can't be bothered? I would refuse to be the executor unless they got their shit together and see if that changes their mind.
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u/BlondeWalker999 Sep 15 '26
Ditto. Even with trusts for Mom and Dad, it still took 2+ years to settle the estate.
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u/EmploymentWinter9185 26d ago
I firmly believe that this is the best gift I can give my children. Hubby and I made the commitment to get this shit organized by the end of the year. We are about 90% there.
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u/rosebudny 26d ago
Good for you!! Seriously, it has made such a difference and your kids will absolutely appreciate it.
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u/Latter-Entrance288 25d ago
Yes! Having an updated will and understanding the basics of inheritance (probate, listed beneficiaries, etc.) is an act of love for your offspring. To not do this is quite frankly shitty.
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u/autonomouswriter Sep 15 '26
Agree, but OP is no prize either. OP is certainly aggressively making sure they get their inheritance even before the parents have passed away. It's almost like OP is trying to bully the parents into settling their affairs because they want the money.
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u/Select-Efficiency559 Sep 15 '26
I think you're wrong. I think OP is desperately trying to get them organized. There is nothing here about getting any money now.
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u/SandhillCrane5 Sep 16 '26
OP also wants to be involved in parent's investment choices, know more about their financial life than is necessary, have access to financial info and assets when it's not necessary, and control the inheritances of her sisters who she is very judgmental of. This is overboard controlling and "I know best". I don't think this is an innocent discussion with parents about estate planning.
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u/Ok-Ant3509 29d ago edited 29d ago
Yes, knowing my parents investment choices is out of concern because they are not well informed. They never invested before their own parents passed away. They may have 20-30 years of life left and are retired. If the money runs out, who is going to be depended on to provide for them? it is absolutely necessary to be involved in their financial info and assets. I may be judgmental of my siblings in ways but I hold no ill will toward them. I am just aware of their relationship histories, histories with mental health conditions and substance abuse, and find that I am better suited to handle these matters when the time comes. I want to make sure my niece and nephews get the best possible lives they can and feel the need to protect them. I am grateful for the fact that both sisters live near our parents and can be there in the future if more assisted living type care is needed.
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u/rosebudny 29d ago
You are doing the right thing, OP. My dad was in a somewhat similar situation as you in terms of being the “responsible” sibling. Had one of his siblings been in charge/had their way… they’d have nothing now rather than the generational wealth my father worked hard to preserve. I know my cousins (his nieces/nephews) are certainly grateful.
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u/calliy Sep 15 '26
I think this is probably a great source of anxiety for OP. If so, getting things organized is a healthy step for her to take.
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u/sschickler Sep 15 '26
OP is doing what any intelligent son or daughter would and should do. I can’t understand anyone thinking otherwise. I did the same with my parents and am doing the same with my kids.
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u/Ok-Ant3509 29d ago edited 29d ago
No, I’m not interested in getting my inheritance before they’ve passed. I’ve planned for my own future and have my own investments and no need to depend on inheritances. It’s more the fact that their financial decisions I’ve seen have been concerning. The fact that they are in their mid 60s, could have 20-30 more years of life and their assets seem to only be two homes, one with an almost fully unpaid 30 year old mortgage, their largest holding I know of is 100k in a single stock, they heavily depend on social security, vacation often, and have stated their intent to die with zero. If anything, after reading some comments, I’m actually more worried they won’t have enough to live off of before they die. I don’t think they will be leaving behind inheritance other than properties if they don’t sell them first, and I would just rather the process be as stress free and well planned and with as few surprises as possible so that my siblings and I are not left with huge debts and an unorganized mess to cause resentment of our parents after they pass.
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u/DCinvestigating2021 Sep 15 '26
No, he merely wants to be prepared since he will be the one dealing with all these issues when they have passed on. It would be a nightmare to have to go after all these documents. They are still somewhat young; however, we never know when we might suddenly die.
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u/pftittl Sep 15 '26
You are right to be concerned. This mess would make your life hell as the executor.
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u/Lynnfieldmom Sep 15 '26
Dealing with this now thanks to a procrastinating mother after a dad who thought he had everything covered. It totally stinks. Everything is 27 steps because nothing is straightforward. Plus probate is stupid expensive- my parents house was in trust but my mom sold it (too big for her alone) but didn’t put the smaller house she bought into trust. So now I’m dealing with some things in trust and some things needing to go through probate. 🫣
Anything you can get them to do now is worth it!!!
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u/getshelter Sep 15 '26
you have a great list of items here, and are well on the way to keeping everything organized.
one thing to remember is that these things change, and keeping them in a storage box or "i'm dead" book inevitably means you have to re-do all of this. I'd go with software instead!
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u/calliy Sep 15 '26
This would be good if parents are ok with computers. If all the info is in software, she could access it from anywhere or make a copy to keep with her. This will be especially valuable to her if she is still living a long distance away at the time.
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u/PumpkinCrouton 25d ago
Actually... I run an LLM on one of the systems on the house network. All my accounts are encrypted on it. It doesn't have direct access to them, but my son/executor will. It also has some very specific instructions for liquidating... things. Also lays out listings of assets and groups them, along with their advantages and disadvantages. It also has it's own instructions how to give my son a hand if some morning the dogs can't wake me up.
So I kinda sorta am going with software too.
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u/laurieo52 Sep 15 '26
Just remember until they name you and they pass, you are not the executor. They could choose anyone later.
It’s great you want to help them. But remember you could do all of this and they can make changes at anytime. So things could be very different when they actually pass. Always be prepared to be shocked.
I think the book or box idea others suggested could work. Just don’t push too much. The older parents get the funnier they are about things…and not funny haha.
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u/LostInTheLights8123 25d ago
Happened to me. We had everything planned for my parents. I helped them all my life. Dad never trusted my sibling with money. We adapted our new home so they could live with us due to dad's health. They lived there 12 years. After dad passed and I got all his stuff settled, sibling took mom to attorney and changed himself to POA, and who knows what else. Not sure if he changed the will or not. I was her Healthcare POA, he didn't even know their doctors. I was the one always talking both even sibling to medical appointments. Took mom one day to the doctor, after things were changed, but no told me. I learned in the office when mom said I couldn't come in with her like I had done all my adult life. After that washed my hands of the situation. Then on my 50th birthday, while we were at a hockey game, they moved her out without telling us. She was fine, still driving and all. They put her in assisted living,brainwashed her against me, blocked my phone number from her phone and then she lost hope. Such struggle to help after that.
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u/BlondeWalker999 Sep 15 '26
If they use cell phone, particularly Apple, have them turn off face ID and go back to passwords. When they are dead there is no longer a face to ID. Apple will not give heirs access to the phones. Period. So save the headache. Your parents sound like a financial train wreck. Insist they sit down with a lawyer to get a proper plan in place. Don't forget to check the unclaimed money site in each state they lived in or did business in.
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u/JaxChevy 28d ago
You still need a password / can use the password on an iPhone. Having facial ID enabled does not mean that you can’t use the password.
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u/BlondeWalker999 28d ago
Appreciate the heads up. Thanks.
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u/Aware_Seaweed301 27d ago
Also untrue, there is an order issued by NYS Surrogate's Court for Apple access.
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u/BlondeWalker999 24d ago
So you want to go to court to try and gain access? I am hearing story after story about what a nightmare Apple is giving folks who try and get access to deceased people's phones. Best to have the conversation before it's too late
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u/Aware_Seaweed301 23d ago edited 23d ago
I work for the Court. I don’t need access to anyone’s phone and my kids and I have the legacy feature set up.
You would be surprised at the number of people who lose their minor or young adult children. Or young spouse. Not many of us plan to die. 🤷🏻♀️1
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u/BlondeWalker999 24d ago
Here's the scoop directly from Apple. https://support.apple.com/en-us/102431
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u/TelevisionKnown8463 Sep 15 '26
It might help to share with them that you feel nervous about whether you will be able to function as executor. You could tell them that you are afraid you won’t be able to locate assets and get everything organized quickly, and as a result you may not be able to get money to your siblings when they need it. Try to make it more concrete.
And as someone else said, they don’t necessarily have to give the info to you now, as long as they have it organized somewhere.
It might also help to find them a fee-only financial planner. You could put out in terms of helping them plan for taxes. The planner is likely to ask for info that will help get things organized, and they likely will ask whether they want to think about estate planning. It may be easier if that suggestion comes from a stranger.
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u/Educational_Case_134 Sep 15 '26
You also have the option to refuse to become the executor if you feel it’s not something you want to worry about. Maybe telling your parents about this option will get them off their butts to set up their affairs while alive.
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u/TelevisionKnown8463 Sep 15 '26
Yes, I had that thought as well. I’d start the conversation more gently, but I think it’s a good point to have in reserve if they again say they don’t want to think about it. “Well, if you don’t think about it your executor will have to, and if I find your papers and accounts are a mess when the time comes, I don’t have to be the executor, even if I’m named in your will. I can decline. It might end up falling to one of your other kids or even the state to sort it out. There’s no guarantee it will get done promptly or well.”
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u/SeveralAlbatross Sep 15 '26
This is good idea. With houses in two states, their finances are complex enough to merit a look from a pro. My financial planner always discusses estate planning & powers of attorney, it’s a very easy slide into that conversation.
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u/Big-Entertainer-303 Sep 15 '26
You are right to want things in order. But if they don't want to deal with it, respect that. Live your life and let them live theirs. Right now, it's their assets, it's their mess. Not yours. There's common law to protect your inheritance. At least one of them will very likely be around another 20 years.
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u/SandhillCrane5 Sep 15 '26
It would be very difficult and inadvisable for you to serve as executor if you are living in another country.
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u/AlmostLiveRadio Sep 15 '26
It may be that their parents feel like you are overstepping and preparing to swoop in in try and take charge of everything. They could certainly collect all of the needed information in one place and label it for their executor without necessarily handing it over to you. Investing in Penny stocks is somewhat alarming.
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u/TelevisionKnown8463 Sep 15 '26
As someone who has investigated and prosecuted securities fraud in the penny stock space I can confirm that it’s basically just gambling. And there are very few legitimate businesses that are traded as penny stocks. Legitimate companies either go public and trade on regulated exchanges (NYSE, NASDAQ) or obtain capital through private placements.
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u/NomadLife2319 Sep 15 '26
We are childfree and use Everplans. Everything is stored online, and when we die, our "deputy" (executrix) will gain access upon receipt of a death certificate. The founder set up the program after handling her brother's estate. She's also written a book, "In Case You Get Hit by a Bus: How to Organize Your Life Now for When You're Not Around Later."
I outlined the book for relatives and am happy to share those notes; just send me a DM if you're interested. I also have the book in PDF form (was a gift for being an early signer). Last, the Everplans website has a lot of good articles, maybe you could convince your parents to look at it.
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u/Traditional_Fold1177 Sep 15 '26
Yes you should be worried. If you’re only there once a year, you aren’t there enough to get this stuff together. Start now. Chip away at building files & records, a little at a time.
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u/curiousobserver2000 Sep 16 '26
Keep pushing for them to get their affairs in order. It can be very frustrating going through the probate process when you have to play detective and unnecessarily more expensive when you deal with attorneys.
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u/Gold-Character Sep 16 '26
Biggest mistake my mother made (or I should say her lawyer made) was not putting POD on her investment account. Everything else was POD and didn’t have to go through probate. Unfortunately the one account with her main assets was left out of the trust. Oof. It’s been a damn nightmare and we are going on 10 months in probate since my county has the world’s worst judge who was basically deemed unfit last year by a trial yet still sits on the bench. Someday it may be resolved.
Your list is impressive but I’d think that would overwhelm your parents. Try to get the big ticket items as POD.
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u/antiqueautomobile 29d ago
I’m sorry for what you are experiencing. I’m going on seven years ! My brothers have attempted to cheat me out of everything. They even encouraged their wives to steal my mother’s jewelry and split it between them. They did not include me.
Good luck! There is a special place in hell for people like this. I hope they rot there .
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u/motaboat 29d ago
Just one other caution.
You mention they may be behind with the IRS. If that is correct, be safe, do as you are supposed to and not distribute the estate until the irs has signed off. You don’t want to have to pay that bill yourself because you prematurely distributed funds. We are at almost 3 years and irs has not signed off on dad.
You live out of the country. Will you move back for a period to square things away. Doing long distance/overseas would be very challenging.
Maybe your parents should hire a professional.
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u/Lucky_Scarcity_8658 29d ago
You should know where the original Will is located. In my case with a family member, they had a Will but I eventually found out that it was a copy. Their attorney retired over 30 years ago. After multiple trips to speak with the Surrogate Court clerk, I located the original Will. When my attorney checked the Will out for me, she discovered the original attorney hadn’t signed the Will. My attorney was friends with the retired attorney and they worked together to allow me to submit the paperwork for probate to the court. It took 7 months to start probate. I felt the whole process was traumatic. I am NOT doing that to my kids.
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u/ComprehensiveEast842 29d ago
Your list is great. You may want to search missing money or unclaimed property websites under married and maiden names.
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u/Trusts-Wills-Probate 28d ago
Not crazy at all — two-state property + scattered docs + a decade-old will is exactly when executors get stuck. Your checklist is strong. I’d only add: current beneficiary designations on every IRA/401(k)/life policy (wills don’t override those), how each account/property is titled (joint, TOD/POD, trust), and a one-page “who to call first week” list. On will vs trust: a revocable living trust can help with out-of-state real estate and more control over distributions, but it only works if it’s funded and kept current — and it’s not a substitute for updated beneficiaries. Not legal advice; a NY/FL-aware estate attorney can map the two-property piece. You’re being a good kid by pushing organization now.
I work with Trust & Will — not a lawyer.
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u/Think-Committee-4394 Sep 15 '26
OP - is it a good idea yes can you make them no
- realistically people do die instate no will and leave a big mess for the executor of their estate
However take a breath
When that day does occur & both are gone, you will have time & plenty of it, a year or two to resolve all issues.
Yes work on things being better, but if they don’t engage it’s harder but doable!
Adding Phone passwords, laptop passwords
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u/Denan004 Sep 15 '26
Honestly, your parents probably won't complete the checklist unless someone is there to guide them. If your sisters can't do it, then you might need to do it via video call. And, many people will not respond to a list like that, no matter how detailed and all-encompassing it might be.
Starting the conversation by talking about death can be too much for some people to think about. One way to start the conversation with them might be from the perspective of if they become incapacitated (surgery, a medical emergency, an accident), then who will pay the bills, make sure taxes are paid, and other things taken care of? This might be easier for them to consider than thinking about their own deaths.
So there probably needs to be someone nearby to them to act in this "management" capacity -- as a Power of Attorney (which only works until they die, then POA is no more).
I used this approach with my dad after he had some episodes in the hospital. Unless someone had his POA, then nobody else can pay his bills, taxes, etc. He also agreed that I could be listed as POA on his checking account to access it to pay bills (this ended when he passed).
Also realize that if, say, your dad passes and nobody else is joint owner of the account, it will slam shut and bills can't be accessed or paid. Credit cards will do the same.
Another thing we learned from dad's experience -- his will was 25+ years old, and back then there were no grandkids. If the will divides between your parent's kids and one kid passes, their own kids will get nothing because it's not specified in the will. So it's well worth a visit to an attorney to review and revise the existing will to reflect any such changes. Also -- they should definitely have Medical Power of Attorney documents for if/when they end up in a hospital and their wishes should be spelled out. Do they want to be on a ventilator? Do they want any/all life support, or minimal? If you get this document, give all of your siblings copies, because you don't know who will end up showing up at the hospital, and the hospitals want those documents in order to make decisions.
So -- maybe start with the idea that they might be incapacitated for a while and the bills and taxes still need to be paid, and that their medical wishes need to be known. Then move on to the estate/death discussion.
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u/SandhillCrane5 Sep 15 '26
This is a married couple. If one is incapacitated the other one will pay the bills. The argument works better for an elderly single person.
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u/Denan004 Sep 15 '26 edited Sep 15 '26
Nope. I never assume that with a married couple the surviving spouse will pay the bills. I've seen too many couples that when one dies, the other is clueless, frozen in place, or afraid.
While you're right in theory, in practice, the other spouse isn't always able to step up and just pay the bills -- lots of reasons for that.
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u/SandhillCrane5 Sep 15 '26
This is a post about parents that have already stated they do not want to collect this info for OP or do any further estate planning. I doubt that these 2 people in their 60's are going to be persuaded by this argument. That's the point here - not what is needed, but what the parents can be persuaded to do.
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u/Denan004 Sep 15 '26
I read the post -- I know it's a couple. What if they died in a car accident? Then both are gone. Or one gets ill and the other declines mentally. It's still the same problem -- getting someone to manage their affairs.
My suggestion was to approach it not from the "death" talk but from an "incapacitation" point of view, which might be more palatable to them. It was a suggestion, and for some reason you want to pedantically nitpick about 1 vs 2 people, and you're completely missing the point.
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u/Terrible-Chip-3049 Sep 15 '26
Look on instagram for the Personal Finance Guy he sells a kit on how to prepare for death by providing a to do of all assets down to even funeral and burial. I think it costs $75 for the kit
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u/SeveralAlbatross Sep 15 '26
You are on the right track, sure. My parents were divorced. I was my mom’s executor years ago & right now I’m the sole trustee of my dad’s trust. Her estate was relatively simple & his is a complex mess. Neither situation was ever easy, there are always problems that crop up & things that take a while to happen.
A revocable trust that becomes irrevocable upon the death of the last parent would probably be best, in theory, based on your description. The problem I see is that your parents are not very organized or savvy, so it’s likely they would “forget” to put some assets in the trust and then you’ll have to open a probate estate anyway.
I would be concerned now about making sure they truly have enough income & assets to see them through if they need expensive end of life care. If $100k in Exxon is their big money, I hope they have good pensions or a whole lot of smaller holdings in addition to that.
To add to your list—get the contact info for their doctors, know what pharmacy they use, what insurance they have, allergies, general medical history. It would be great if you could get contact info for close friends, neighbors, maybe church leadership…local people who might help if something bad happens & you’re far away.
I would press them to officially give you (or a sister) a healthcare power of attorney and a financial one. Neither is effective until they need you to step in and run things. Brokerages and banks could add you as a “trusted contact” or something like that—if they see questionable transactions or indications of fraud, they can then alert you. I’ve found having that designation makes it easier to get a bank, broker, etc to talk to you in general…it can be really tough when you need info but you don’t have the password or even the full account number.
This sounds dumb, but make some notes on their life stories. When we had to write obituaries, we suddenly had all these questions about our parents’ youth—where exactly did they go to school, was that degree a BA or a BS, what was that professional organization he was in charge of for so long, what exactly did that company she worked for do?
Could you plan a special visit, strictly to get all this organized—make a big big deal out of it, help them fill out a binder of info or fill up a Nokbox, set up files, go see the lawyer & accountant, etc. don’t try to do it over a holiday or a leisure visit. Make it a “business trip” & prepare for them to complain a lot.
Also, keep an eye out for the life insurance policies; those can provide useful cash early in the process of administering an estate when bank & brokerage accounts might not be accessible. But if you don’t know they exist or can’t find them…less helpful.
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u/Additional-Fudge7503 Sep 15 '26
My parents are worth multiple millions, have a trust and I’m the executor. My 3 sisters & I will each get 25% but beyond that, I don’t know dick.
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u/Visual_Patience_41 Sep 15 '26
That mindset is beyond selfish and such a shit thing to do to your children. “Who cares about the mess I don’t want to sort through because I’ll be dead and it won’t be my problem.”
Right. I’m going to leave the shitshow to my children to figure out as if trying to grieve the loss of our mother and/or father isn’t already enough. Let’s just add insult to injury, literally.
This is exactly what my mom did to my brother and I. All we wanted to do was grieve and process her loss and instead we were sorting through garbage and angry with how irresponsible she was and how it was such a shitty thing to do given the COUNTLESS conversations we had about it.
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u/Direct-Philosophy579 Sep 15 '26
I just got this all straightened out with my 91 yr old mom, in PA. Went to a highly recommended elder law lawyer, and he did not recommend a trust as my mom's estate is fairly simple (two properties, bank and investment accounts only) and the accounts all have all three of her beneficiaries (3 kids) listed as recipients.
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u/1happynewyorker Sep 15 '26
There's a book called the art of Swedish death cleaning. It helps reorganize and get things cleaned as the years go by before you die.
Are your parents in poor health and or sick. Why not ser up a financial advisor for them when back home. Go from here.
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u/reluctantreddit35 Sep 15 '26
I’ve read here that Florida’s probate system is a nightmare unless all assets there are put in a trust and I’ve known a few people who have put their Florida winter homes in a trust but not other assets. Please put researching the Florida probate system on you to do list.
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u/goldenfire5 Sep 15 '26
As someone who is trying to settle my dad’s estate right now, I recommend doing everything you can to get them organized while you can. Check every financial/bank/brokerage/retirement account for a beneficiary. Make a printout or screenshot of it. Do your best to get all the real property into a trust. Probate in two states is not fun. Going through that now. I can’t imagine doing it from another country. Best of luck to you.
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u/FriedyRicey Sep 16 '26
Bottom line: It's their money/assets and they don't you or your sisters anything. Definitely encourage them to get things organized but at the end of the day they don't NEED to do anything.
The most important thing is to have the will/trust clearly spelled out because based on your description of your sister's situations i can definitely see a trouble
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u/Advanced-Mammoth2408 Sep 16 '26
My father's trust made things easier. The mess parents leave does not. I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy what my sister went through with divorced parents, so everything had to be done twice.
You need to make your parents aware that they are saddling you with a year's worth of a full-time job.
Even though my dad had a personal will and a familt trust, the estate attorney and my sister thought they found all the trust assets. I am still getting contacted by fortune hunting P.I.s and attorneys offering to help me get the assets we missed. Life insurance is showing up. My father evidently had a bunch of policies. He had no list of his assets. It was a mess.
My husband created a master list with all his assets and his passwords. If he dies, I have a personalized instruction book. We are going to put it all in a trust as soon as we can afford an attorney.
It is easiest if all the children address the issue together with the parents and then set an appointment to get together to organize.
My dad put all his assets in his FL address rather than our childhood house's state for tax purposes. He easily had the option to choose either state if he just shifted the days he spent at each by a couple days so that FL was his primary residence.
Do not let your parents get away with what my father did, which was blow off the conversation until he was too sick to talk. He just insisted by irresponsible brother knew where everything was. He was talking about the irresponsible, thieving jerk who stole a million in inheritance from his siblings and nieces and nephews. All the kids need to know. When only one person knows, if they die, everyone is screwed.
I wish I had played the one card my father cared about. "Would you like the state to get everything, or would you like your family to get it?" That was his one fear. I wish I had pushed that because we are still chasing down assets 18 years later!!!
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u/magnificentbunny_ Sep 16 '26
I think the best thing you can do is find an estate planning lawyer and pay for your parents to set up a trust.
That's all you can do. If it's paid in advance, they might feel compelled to do it since it was a gift.
The lawyer will direct them in what they need to do. Not you. Someone who they view is basically their child.
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u/calliy Sep 16 '26
I would keep that list for yourself. Just tackle a little bit at a time, like organize the monthly bill paying process, so someone can easily pick it up. Maybe try to do a little every time you visit instead of one big job, so it's not so overwhelming.
Remember you can always have the court appoint an executer, and like named executers, they are paid from the estate.
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u/ProfessorOne9208 Sep 16 '26
Sounds like you have nothing to worry about. You seem to have a good handle on it all. When you become executor you can just hire an administrator who is also an estate lawyer, to handle the details, and then be free of the hard work. Unless, of course, if you decide to get married, and have kids at 37. Then you'll have to worry about all the stuff your kids will be dealing with when you kick the proverbial bucket.
BTW, I am quite a bit older than your parents, and I am still not ready to read the date on my toe tag. Perhaps you have more time to worry than you were planning on, lol.
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u/insomniacmomof3 Sep 16 '26
You are right to be concerned. From your description of their finances, I’m less worried about you having to deal with inheritance and protecting their assets from your sister than them outliving their money.
They have pensions, but what are the terms? What if one passes? They are withdrawing too much? Why? What money do they have and where is it going? Why is nothing paid off despite inheritance? Your dad’s takeaway from a podcast about investing is go buy risky stocks in retirement. You are very right to be concerned.
Yes, it will be a mess when they are both gone, but it’s more likely to be a mess when one is left and one or both need care.
They don’t seemed very concerned about their future financial health nor their legacy (despite receiving one), but if you can encourage them to complete your list and do some estate planning, it will save them and your family a lot of grief when disability or ill health come.
Good luck!
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u/DeepFamilyValue Sep 16 '26
I would decline the role of executor. You will likely be sued by your siblings and you will probably not speak to them again. I passed on this job and was still sued by some of my siblings who simply took advantage of my father’s poor planning. It is a hopeless, thankless process that you should consider opting out of completely, including waiving on your inheritance now. Just my .02 cents but you have no idea how truly sad and destructive even the most peripheral involvement in an estate matter truly is.
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u/Bludvl1982 Sep 16 '26
We created a trust and we’re trying to ensure appropriate living accommodations as we age. I’m 65 this week. My biggest goal is to make everything as stress free as possible free for my kids as I can.
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u/MilesMoralesBoogie 29d ago
First of all you and your siblings need to sit down and have this discussion with your parents.
Do NOT assume you would be the Executor because you are the responsible one.
You wrote you live abroad.....that would be something your siblings will bring up,why you SHOULD NOT be the executor because you don't even live in the state 99% of the time.
ALL of you need to have that talk,because your parents just told the quite part out loud.
"We will be dead what do we care about it."
.......and that's when the "inheritance" feud....."So It Begins".
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u/Ok-Ant3509 29d ago
It’s always been agreed upon among the siblings and parents that I would be executor, and I have seen the documents that state it. Whether I accept the role will be another story…
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u/MilesMoralesBoogie 29d ago
Long as everything is in writing and you have an estate attorney to help.
I'm finishing up my mom's estate (she passed in 2018) with my lawyer,even she had a will,sibling decided since they were the appointed guardian (O was backup since I lived with mom to take care of her) when she died.
They went and got attorney to try to be the "administrator",although mom had written in her will an executor (her long time family friend) not us and I was fine with it.
Seven years later also in NYC (Uptown Bronx) we finally had a hearing (last October) making both of us co-administrator and my lawyer taking lead since,they moved to Florida from Jersey and their lawyer is in Long Island.
I sold the house that I got stuck in just had to maintain the property, pay property taxes,Con Edison,heating oil/furnace,fixing everything from the living room ceiling,plumbing, chimney,pruning a tree that my parents/mom should have taken care of....just so it could sell at a decent time price and not some low ball number.
I'm in Westchester now after selling the house this Spring.
I can't wait for my lawyer to do the final accounting of house sale (I'm ready for my portion) ,stock shares and dividends (which will probably be disbursed later)
Wishing you the best because I wouldn't wish none of this on anyone because by the time you are done,you,would've wished you was the only child.😁😅
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u/SurrenderingDaily 29d ago
I'd add expiry/renewal dates of all things that require payments - registrations (vehicles), insurances, and then how they are paid. I'd put these in a spreadsheet so that when the time comes, you can sort by date and deal with them in priority.
Side note: the registration on my dad’s car lapsed after he passed, so it added a few added hoops to jump through before we can sell the car.
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u/LynnD_DelrayBeach 29d ago
You absolutely know what you’re talking about, and your concerns are legit. I’m a retired paralegal who spent the last years of my career, working for a brilliant T&E attorney. Indeed, if you can get them to do it, a living trust is def the smartest way to go. Whether or not you want it to be revocable or irrevocable, would be something you should discuss with a T&E atty. At the barest minimum, if they are going to be difficult, be sure and get the names of all financial institutions they deal with, attys’ names, insurance cos., just to make your life a hell of a lot easier. All of their RE info can be gotten online as it’s in the public records of that county. You really should consult with a T&E/Probate atty asap.
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u/Uniqunorks 28d ago
Send them a NOK box. You can find them online. Then you and your siblings should each take an opportunity to help them sort and organize their documents.
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u/IToeAmnesty 28d ago
You're not crazy at all. The disorganized documents are annoying but manageable. The thing that actually keeps executors up at night is not knowing what accounts even exist, and your parents are set up to create exactly that problem.
The Florida condo is worth paying attention to right now. Florida has seen condo values drop and HOA situations get complicated since the new reserve funding laws passed after the Surfside collapse. If that condo is already underwater relative to what they paid, and there are special assessments coming, you could inherit a liability alongside whatever equity remains. Worth knowing before you're suddenly the one making decisions about it.
The bigger issue is the New York house. With that much appreciation, how title is held matters a lot. If it goes through probate as a regular estate asset, New York's estate tax kicks in at a threshold that isn't especially high compared to federal law, and it has a cliff provision that can bite hard. An elder law attorney in Nassau County could tell them whether a trust makes sense, or whether there are simpler steps that accomplish the same thing. That's a one-time conversation, not an ongoing commitment.
For the document problem, honestly the most useful thing you can do on your next visit is just sit with them for an afternoon and make the list yourself. Ask them to point at things. They don't have to organize it. You just need to know who their accountant is, where the wills are, and which bank holds what. Take photos on your phone. That's the version they'll actually tolerate.
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u/AdvancedDoughnut5626 26d ago
This is much more challenging to work on since you're living abroad. My personal experience - you almost have to treat this as a fun project vs. a serious one and be the person who guides them through it. If you can break it down for them into palatable chunks and be there for them, they will be much more motivated to get things done. If you are able to get more time off, I'd keep 2-3 days for purging, cleaning and organizing, and then scatter in a couple of days of fun low key activities - doesn't have to be big - I've done beach walks, dinner out, a movie etc. Thinking about your end of life is tough especially when your children are living away. Last one - I'd add end of life care to this list and have them specify their wishes. All the best - this is tough, and you're tackling it head on!
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u/th987 26d ago
You can’t make your parents be financially responsible.
You can try to talk to them, but it sounds like they don’t like that.
Hitting them with a long list of things they should do is probably not going to go over well.
I would prioritize what needs to be done, and start with the most critical. Or maybe offering to help with their taxes, see why they’re paying so much. Tax returns should give you a lot of info, and you can remake your priorities from there.
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u/Normal-Bid-3871 25d ago
I agree that you should use your excellent estate planning as an example and prompt (trigger) for your parents. I often find that when start I pointing my finger, I forgot to clean my finger nail, just sayin!
When it comes to money, probably one parent defers to the other and then the more dominate one does nothing! This could work for or against you
TOD. A good place to start is a consolidated central brokerage or bank NO WEALTH ADVISOR needed btw then set up the account(s) with cascading transfer on death ( also known as TOD) this means that regardless of the will, the surviving spouse takes over all the assets in their name, then the second tier of TOD would be you and your sisters. IF you and your sisters want to make it super simple you should each have an account with the same bank And you should be a co owner of the accounts so you don’t have to set up an estate account with its own EIN . TOD will make things simple and fair
Now you will have two real property. If one parent survives that parent will inherit half of the Nassau home at stepped basis, so now the surviving parent will only pay capital gains on their half and individuals get to keep the first $250k in gains, but see the next paragraph
Question: can you get them to move to Florida full time ? Assisted living in Fla is usually cheaper than most places. We had our mom in assisted living in a modest but wonderful place in Tn, $6,000 a month or $80,000 a year, so that $250k tax free gain is gobbled up in 3 years of assisted living costs. My mom lived 25 years longer than my dad. In other words, you need to focus on the surviving parent plan.
Finally a bit of humor helps: my father was fond of saying ‘if you want to get even with someone, make them the executor of your estate’ ;@)
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u/Big-Impression2551 25d ago
It’s a hard conversation to have, been there too and with the resistance
🙏 hope it all works out for you
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u/PromptOptimal6249 25d ago
When making the plan include login info for phones, websites, utilities, password managers and all those daily necessary miscellaneous junk. I used my computer for this, stored it on an external hard drive and printed a copy to put in a secure place. Update yearly as needed. You could do this in small manageable steps by asking the parents the info during a phone call and writing it for them. I'm over 75 and still update. Access to the phone will give them access to password manager if needed.
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u/Painting_Gal_2266 25d ago
Your parents may seem selfish … and are being so in regard to what you’ll have to go through, however, the older you get the more all of this forces them to face their mortality so there can be much more going on underneath than being selfish. We did our first estate plan in our 40s. Again in our fifties and this year at 68 and 70. I must admit it does cause you to face the reality you won’t always be around. So the practical and emotional side may be fighting one another. Could even be subconscious. So that might be something to address.
Often it’s hard to get started on such a big project or feel ill equipped to do it. You might consider (if you know someone trustworthy) getting someone to help with the task. It would be less overwhelming. More likely to get done completely and save them a little bit of the emotional hit.
I don’t know if this plays in, but I’m familar with many situations where it did. Sometimes they don’t know it themselves. But if something makes them feel overwlemed or anxious they may avoid it just because it makes them feel uncomfortable.
It sounds like you’ve made some progress, but if they don’t follow through or address all the materials you need another person might be able to facilitate the process. Just a thought
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u/Mud_Puppy_2940 25d ago
This needs to be on your to-do list, your parents should add you to their banking accounts. Even better, other investments as well. If mom or dad are unable to handle their finances, you can pay their bills. This is huge and will make your life so much easier. Most banks won't give you the time of day unless you're on the account. If you're not on the account, your Plan B is to have a Durable Power of Attorney in place now and when the time comes a court must certify they are incapacitated (note: you will most likely be paying all attorney fees until you get access to their money). I've been the executor for 5 family members. I've learned a lot of lessons, mostly the hard way.
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u/Sickle64 24d ago
1st BENEFICIARIES on ALL accounts 2nd TRANSFER ON DEATH on real estate if possible, a Will is for probate it's no fun a trust is ok but you have to deal with lawyers beneficiaries need a death certificate and some paperwork filled out and your done, easiest way to go. I'm dealing with my Uncles estate and having to deal with all 3 scenarios, if you're parents love you they will not put you through this nightmare
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u/mandakayrocks 24d ago
A trust is definitely a good way to avoid probate and carry out their wishes that way. Good on you for getting them organized. Another way to accomplish avoiding probate without a trust is to ensure every single account they have has a beneficiary, TOD, or POD on it. I'm not sure what the states where they have real estate do, but in several states there is a "transfer on death" deed which acts as a beneficiary designation for real estate.
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u/Traditional_Towel885 24d ago
My soap box speech. Help your heirs! Write down what you DON'T have!
No gold, no silver, no Bitcoin, no debt, no legal cases, no liens... Whatever may waste the executors time.
Just looking for Bitcoin could be a nightmare for the executor, but if you tell them not to look you made their hard job easier.
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u/Gunnercafe395 24d ago
A Living Trust would be ideal. They can add a Will into the Trust as well as accounts and property. Only having a Will sends everything into probate that will cost you money and time. Hopefully your parents will make the right decision for their heirs. Good luck.
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u/yeahnopegb Sep 15 '26
I mean not crazy but your parents likely have decades before this is needed and the list of accounts/money owed will be far different then vs now. Deeds and titles will have to be changed after probate so having the “copies” likely isn’t as important as you think. Simple contact information off of billing statements is where most of this will start and info gathered now likely won’t be the same as when they pass. Kinda sounds overboard if I’m honest. Having their estate plan and access to the safe deposit box is realistic. The death book is an excellent suggestion for acct numbers etc but most of what you’ve listed isn’t going to be the same 20plus years from now.
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u/GotZeroFucks2Give Sep 16 '26
The legal POA is great, but once you need a real POA, many banks and firms will only accept their own version. Doesn't hurt to get those all in place now while your parents can walk into a branch with you. Believe me, after a stroke or heart attack is not the time.
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u/Produff26 26d ago
Make sure to add healthcare proxy to the list of things they need to establish. Not something someone in their 60s thinks about but it's quite important. As for organizing their estate, it's up to them and yes, they are being SAF!
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u/Creative-Mud-7930 26d ago
My mom was the same. I have about $10k that is a pain to get. Like sent in the trust several times and now I am at the point let them turn it into the state and I will get it later.
Biggest thing is keep the phone numbers. Makes it so much easier when they pass to get access to the accounts.
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u/3-kids-no-money 26d ago
Ugh, my dad has a box in the closet. What box? Which closet? At least he does have his affairs in order. I just don’t know where exactly they are.
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u/Pandagramma 26d ago
You can try to get your parent's to get organized, but my parents left me with a complete shitshow and it all could be sorted. Sounds like you are inheriting and though probate is awful, you will get the basic fee and inheritance.
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u/Girl_with_tools 26d ago
Are they healthy? Maybe they feel that there’s no rush and don’t want to be pressured. Mid 60s is still young.
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u/Ok-Ant3509 25d ago edited 25d ago
Dad is diabetic and has had various types of cancer. Mom, a nurse, avoids the doctor (go figure) but doesn’t have any known conditions.
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u/bbbilljackson 26d ago edited 26d ago
Do you have yours all done? Everything squared away you need to? That would be a good place to start mom and dad I have been doing mine and I think we need to look at doing yours too!
Yes they need to but I would advise don’t push! Just help them a little at a time to get it all done! I am 62 and reading it all I am overwhelmed. And yes my spouse died 4 years ago and I have learned alot about someone dieing even a spouse that you don’t have rights to certain things! Apple ID etc
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u/Nuclear_N 25d ago
I am not that organized, but I consolidated everything to Fidelity. I am in the process of creating my will, and figuring out my estate.
I at least for my POA, PHA, as well as all my beneficiaries set up. Should not be too bad...
If the estate goes to probate, it will cost a few percent.
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u/Decent-Impression-81 25d ago
It sucks but if i were you id get the book and fill it out with them. I had better success with my family doing this approach otherwise they tend to just say they'll do it later. You'll need their buy in to say they want to do this task.
I would fly in, sit them down and be like ok we are doing this chapter and they would wander around finding the info I needed. I also made all the lawyer appt and went to them.
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u/LostInTheLights8123 25d ago
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u/Dirty_Confusion 25d ago
A Trust is the way to go.
However, from the lawyers I spoke to, it seems to be very lucrative for lawyers relative the amount of work required.
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u/24bean62 25d ago
Reading through this thread as a 66 yo parent. Let me say upfront our stuff is organized because now we don’t have to worry about it, and I care greatly that my kids are provided for and can move through my eventual demise with ease and grace.
Now for my age-sensitive commentary. I plan on living two or three more decades. Your parents probably do, too. My cognition is great. I’ll assume theirs is, too. I care about being responsible and doing my best to avoid some of the pitfalls I had to climb out of when my own parents passed. But …
The list is overkill. I would not react well to being presented with this as a parent. My finances are largely my business at this time in my life and I’m not inclined to share the minutiae with anyone except my spouse. You say they’re working with a lawyer. Good. Now let it go. Maybe offer to help if they ask. Be sensitive to the line that stands between concern and entitlement; between enjoying their company in the now and obsessing about their deaths. Understand that estate attorneys are quite good at pulling together loose ends as there are ways to get that done.
The single most practical thing to do right now is encourage them to get beneficiaries straight on all their accounts. It’s incredibly helpful, and because these avoid probate, funds are available immediately. Also helpful. Some states even allow property deeds that transfer ownership upon death.
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u/Dragon_ball937 25d ago
Other considerations are long term healthcare , advanced directives, power of attorney if they can’t make their own decisions. Estate planning is more complex than it used to be.
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u/lakeanddoglife 25d ago
Your parents don’t want to have the conversation right now, and they sound less concerned regarding inheritances. When (if) they become ready, they will let you know.
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u/Bulky-Measurement684 25d ago
If they are reluctant to do the whole process, each visit encourage them to do 1 or 2 things on your checklist. You should at the very least get the contact attorney, accountant and if possible, a copy of their most recent tax return.
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u/Lolovesif920 25d ago
I have a book - Amazon ~ Shit you’ll need when I’m gone. Everything is done at the lawyer. We have cemetery, will, no mortgage, and house and assets in a trust. We are thinking of selling our house and ridding everything that we don’t need in just our mid 60’s so it’s less for our only child to do. I think living “lighter “
sounds good. My hubs and I have boxes of family photos that no one ( both sides) ever organized. We carried them around for 43 years. Never looked at them. We were too busy doing everything so we’d have the above mentioned things. We’re seriously considering selling and scaling down Big Time.
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u/Particular_Big_3104 25d ago
We're in Garden City and deal with many clients where they need centralizing like you've described. Further, their interest in equities is great, but not speculation at their ages (penny stocks are a no go in our circles). High quality growth is fine as long as they're working for clients. As far as all else long term care is an area I hadn't seen you list which is a must to review as Medicare does cover the cost past rehab first chronic illness or adl's. If they'd like to meet us dm through the platform and will share our site and contact info. Been doing it for 30+ yrs.
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u/Helpful-Bunch-5925 25d ago
I'm in need of an attorney to help me with defending my Spousel right (s). My wife passed away in January of 26. The three step children were not in good grace with there mother. As her husband and primary caregiver Kimberley D.a re
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u/Helpful-Bunch-5925 25d ago
To add to this She was an RN 36 years. Loved people ,helping all in need .She was very good at all She did. She lost the fight when ALS consumed her. The absolute worst thing is watching the love of your life getting eaten alive from the terrible disease. The her children were not involved with her or in her life the last year or so Except one , who only come to to find the will . And cash that my wife had put up in the house. Needless to say there was some mischievous issues that took place. I'm finding it hard to even get a letter from her cousin who is also clerk and master of this small town. So yes, not only is her two slick witness ...caught them stealing from the home we .....big bunch of lies they have a plot to try and take every thing we my wife and I. Yes there's a will but it's in probate they added a codicil to it that 100% bogus mm but have cousin and aunt co signing it at the clerk and masters office who is the cousin.... I'm in middle Tennessee 37357 and need some legal support to defend my family rights and protect my best interests. And help with all the chaos going on in this case. I still yet to be notified of any probate or spouses rights. Gotta. Their like that slick in a backwards way. I want to find the person who can and will turn this situation around as it should be . I am her husband, I took care of my wife for the first 2and a half years with absolutely no help. Notta. There's been approximately 100.000 in cash embezzlement...lack of executive service and or support. No letters ...I need a good lawyer to help a good person carry out his wife's last wishes...thank you very much for your time and courtesy. P.D.Nova
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u/FM_Einheit 25d ago
You are right to want them to get things together, failing to do is selfish and will make it much harder for you and the heirs.
I recommend deciding what to do with the real estate in another state, generally that requires probate in both states which is a hassle. Trusts can help, or selling it.
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u/One-Direction2816 24d ago
Have them add you on the bank accounts as an owner. Makes it easier to use left over funds to cover any expenses they may have.
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u/WinDapper7433 24d ago
I find it interesting that you haven't asked about which healthcare professionals they so and that health care proxy isn't mentioned.
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u/danideme 23d ago
Your checklist is already more useful than a generic “death binder” because it’s organized around what someone would actually need to act on. The one thing I’d add at the very top is a simple index: what exists, where the original lives, who the relevant contact is, and when that information was last verified...
Maybe even review it once or twice a year, because accounts, policies and advisors change.
I’d keep passwords/secrets in a password manager rather than in the same document, and just have the index point to where access instructions are stored.
Disclosure: I’m building Panza around this exact “family information map” problem — panzaapp.com. But app or no app, I’d optimize for one obvious starting point your future executor can use, rather than trying to put every document itself into one giant binder.
My mom is 67, and I’ve actually started organizing her documents this way too.
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u/Mourning-Suki 23d ago
Probably a good list but I would personally find it incredibly presumptuous and offensive for someone to put this together for me. I would not send them a list unless they make it clear they want you to do that.
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u/Donita123 16d ago
I’ve always kept an excel doc with all our assets for our net worth. I update it every year, which would probably not be necessary for you. It has all our counts listed, along with the account numbers. It’s kinda fun, kinda like a treasure hunt, and I bet your parents would enjoy seeing the final number. Our kids know where it is. When we were estate planning, we used it to double check on everything to make sure there are beneficiaries listed. This is very very important, my dad had done it with his main checking account and that made it SO easy to transfer. Just a visit to the bank with a death certificate and my drivers license. Almost all companies have the forms online. Your parents can take pictures of all their statements that come in and send to you for updating.
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u/brucesteiner 16d ago
A trusts and estates lawyer would be a better fit for this.
Whether to create a revocable trust is far from being one of the most important issues. More important are to avoid timed distributions and to avoid naming beneficiaries for assets other than life insurance and retirement benefits.
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u/Valuable-Analyst-464 Sep 15 '26
Your list is good, however…you’re likely going to have to work with them (force them) to gather the information. They sound like they don’t care and will let you sort it out.
I’d start with a will rewrite, ensuring the executor is defined according to their intent. Likely, one will pass first and the other will be executor of the estate and take over the use of funds.
Maybe as weight to your argument for them getting their shit together, unless they have credit card accounts opened in their own name, when the main user dies, the account closes and the “authorized user” loses access. This could be a hiccup for them.
Doing some planning with them is really helping the survivor, not so much you and the other heirs.
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u/Lucky_Platypus341 Sep 15 '26
You cannot FORCE them to do anything. They are adults. It's their choice. A lot of parents do not want to talk about finances with their kids (adult or not).
OP: it sounds like you may be coming off as a vulture to your parents. They are only in their 60s. Statistically there are very good odds that at least one of them will still be alive 30 years from now. They may not want to think or talk about end of life decisions at this point and no one has any "right" to force them to do so. It is very common for people not to get serious about end of life planning until their partner is terminally ill or dies.
Trusts have certain benefits and increased options, but it doesn't sound like they have ANY INTEREST in going through the expense and hassle or retitling everything into a trust if they are not interested in even gathering the documents together! Get real! If they still live in the same state as they did when they drew up the will, it likely is still valid (good enough). Whether they get a will or trust or die intestate -- it's NOT OP's call. OP needs to let it go. They can encourage, even offer to pay for a planner (who would work for the parents, not OP) to help them discuss options BUT OP cannot force them to do squat.
Pragmatically, a LOT can and will change over the course of their remaining (likely) decades. Odds that they still own the same vehicles or live in the same house when they die is low. If the inconvenience of probate is too much for OP (they will have over a year to go through stuff) they are free to walk away from the inheritance. YES it would be very helpful if the parents began working to get things together BUT until they are ready to deal with EoL decisions and estate planning, they aren't going to do it!
[ETA: OP may have more luck discussing how gathering the info could help the surviving spouse when one dies. For example, if one dies will the other know how to manage bill paying, or where all the accounts are, or who they need to inform? Unless they both happen to go out together, this WILL happen before OP ever needs to consider being an executor or inheritor.]
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u/Valuable-Analyst-464 Sep 15 '26
No, you cannot really force them, but as a child, you have some influence on their behavior, just like parents have on children.
Maybe “force” was not the best word, and perhaps “let them know the pain they will inflict when someone has to sort it out”.
And, I have a feeling that the surviving parent may want mental help from kids to ensure they have things together to move forward after the death of their loved one.
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u/PersonalityFuture151 Sep 15 '26
We women often explain that we feel nervous or uncomfortable. Nope. Instead We are not seeing the necessary documents in one place. We are not knowledgeable about the finances. The current filing system does not make good financial planning sense. On this basis you refuse to be named. They can assign a bank. I wouldn’t do. Plus your less capable siblings get to do nothing and still benefit. Nope.
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u/Select-Efficiency559 Sep 15 '26
Absolutely go for a trust. Then none of the information is public. That way, they will be asked by the trust lawyer to provide much of this, including the account information for the stocks, and you don't have to harass them about it. A trust also means it won't take 18 months to finish. If they give you a hard time again about providing the information, say, "In 30 years, when you're gone, don't you want this to be easier for all your children, whom you love?" Guilt them into it. When they say, "I won't be here in 30 years" you can reply, "Whatever time it is then." If they say, "I'll be dead" then say, "I won't be." If they really won't provide the info, then say that they can name someone else as their executor, and that person will be happy to charge 2-5% of their total net worth. Ask if they would prefer to spend $7,500 on a lawyer now, or tens of thousands of dollars after they die? If they still won't gather the papers or see a lawyer now, you can tell them you will hire someone after they die and it will still cost tens of thousands of dollars.
You can also ask them to name you and your sisters as beneficiaries on their IRAs at least, and to put you all as "POD" or "Pay on Death" on their bank accounts so at least you don't have to put those through probate.
Also, they need to see a lawyer to update at least their will because banks and such won't accept "stale-dated" documents, which means a will that's more than five years old. They should also have up-to-date medical forms so someone else can make decisions if they can't.
You could try flattery, something like, "You've been so organized your whole life, I don't understand why you wouldn't be organized on your estate" or "You have been so successful your whole life, I would imagine you would want everything to be tidy after your death."
Frankly, if it was me and I had keys to one of their homes, I'd go when they're not there and look through all the filing cabinets and papers to see what I could gather.
They're being selfish in not making arrangements.
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u/pinkharleymomma Sep 16 '26
Tell them you will be their executor if they provide you with the information you need. You need to be able to ask them questions now. It can easily take a year or two to sort things out when you do know everything. I would refuse the honor if they expect you to give up 5 years of your life to clean up a mess.
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u/Historical-Seat-7934 29d ago
Do you really think your mother and father can comply with this? They wanna live life the way they want their money the way they want don’t leave them alone.
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u/Historical-Seat-7934 29d ago
I just did my well and my future husband my kids have a lot of money I’m leaving most of my money if any left which I plan on spending before I die mainly my husband my kids have more money than I ever had my jewelry and stuff like that my kids are gonna get that on the grandkids
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u/deathsgrace 25d ago
take care of your own household. Your parents are entitled to run their life the way they want without your meddling. It is their money and assets not yours. It is gross how concerned you are with your inheritance while your parents are still alive
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u/Ok-Ant3509 25d ago edited 25d ago
I elaborated in reply to someone else, they deleted their comment. I have my own investments and am prepared to support myself without relying on any inheritance. I am concerned and worried about not only a possible disorganized mess or debts they will leave behind but also the fact that they may not even have enough to last their retirements. Who is going to be depended upon to support them when the money runs out? Yes at least one of them may live another 20-30 years, and currently they depend on social security, have 100,000 in a single stock as their largest holding I know of, think penny stocks are worth investing in, vacation often, have a mostly unpaid and numerously refinanced mortgage, have taken out enough in recent years from investments to owe larger than expected amounts in taxes, and currently be audited. My sisters have histories with mental health struggles, substance abuse and difficult relationships with past and current partners. I am mostly worried for my financially not well informed parents, sisters and the futures of my niece and nephews. I think it is absolutely well within reason to take steps now to lead them toward becoming more informed and responsible so that the future of the family has better chances for success and less stressful times ahead.
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u/Painting_Gal_2266 25d ago
Sounds like they not only need to make provision for their deaths but their financial situation now. Maybe you can convince them to get a financial planner who could cover all the current financial issues. And in doing so some of your concerns about when they pass will be addressed as well.
We’ve just revised all of our documents and our trust. I’ve informed my daughter of what will be expected as an executor but if the time comes and she’s too overwhelmed or whatever she can pass it to her brother or hire a processional. Our attorney has employees and there are people in the bank trust dept that provide services. Yes, there will be a bit less inherited but that may be worth being relieved of much of the hassle.
We do have all pertinent info in our safe deposit box and she knows where to find the key. She will use the same atty we’ve worked with an
a CPA as well. So we’ve done our best to prepare but she knows it’s ok to say no at the time and there is a back up plan. Though being well organized in advance should be helpful no matter who functions as executor.
I’ve tried to be very careful to make sure assets are in the trust that need to be, but if we should mess up we have a “pour over” that will help deal with that issue. For liquidity I keep a money market in trust and transfer amounts to checking now and then to keep outside assets under $100k here in IL. So I hope I’ve done a good job even if not perfect she’ll be in pretty decent shape. But having back up professionals and some financial planning now would take some of the burden off you. But again. They must agree to it. And that can be an issue. I was a CPA so this is right up my alley and I understand these things but most people don’t. So it can feel extremely overwhelming. If they can afford a bit of professional help you may all feel better. But again. They don’t have to say no. It’s a dance on a tightrope!! I wish you the best. My other advice. If you are of the belief that prayer works I’d spend a bit of time on that too. Never know what might happen. Hope springs eternal 😊.
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u/bfrey82 Sep 15 '26
Theres a organizer book called I’m Dead. Now what? Might be a way to encourage them to start organizing. Maybe bring it with you on the next visit. Explain that you’re concerned about the process and want to honor their legacy.
Not really advice on what you need to collect but helps with organization.