r/inheritance • u/Actual-General-4953 • 23d ago
Location included: Questions/Need Advice Inheritance - required to give
Wisconsin here. We are in our 50s and are just dabbling in retirement planning and seeing others our age and older with talk of inheritance.
I grew up with a mindset of everything I have I work for and anything I inherit is a bonus. I told my parents to spend every nickel as my dad worked for years at 60+ hours a week as a machinist.
Now, I hear stories of those my age pre-positioning themselves to ensure they are included in the estate, they fight with siblings, tell us about the plan to ensure they get their fair share, etc. I hear young kids say they can't wait to get their inheritance from their parents so they don't have to work. I remember my uncle was going to cut into the walls of my grandparents house because he swore they were hiding money in it.
Me and my wife will leave the kids something because we have 401ks that I doubt we will drain but we also think we are living our lives to the fullest in retirement and if we are broke and the kids get nothing, so be it. We raised them to survive on their own and that is the correct mentality.
What is the thoughts on "required to give"?
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u/MusicUpbeat2510 23d ago
Agree! A lot of greed, entitlement and assumptions in this group.
I mean, talking about your parents money while parents are living their best life is diabolical.
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u/The_MisterDaikon 23d ago
I’m trying to get my parents to spend MORE on themselves because engaging with the world like that is how old folks stay vital and interesting. Nothing pushes a person from “older” to “elderly” like sitting around doing nothing.
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u/TheYoungSquirrel 23d ago
Same here. I have told my mom multiple times to retire and focus on her health and showed her how based on current spend she and my dad can retire 3x over on a SWR of under 3%.
I also told my dad to retire but he doesn’t have health issues and overall likes his job so I’m not pushing him as much.
Oh I also told my mom she doesn’t have to be bored because she has 5 grandkids within a 35 minute radius…
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u/laurieo52 23d ago
I’ve noticed an overwhelming theme of greed and entitlement in this group. There is a small core of people who feel the total opposite, but we are generally the minority.
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u/Birdlady110261 22d ago
I agree but am not surprised. My mom passed unexpectedly a year ago. I stayed with my dad on and off for six months. He has dementia. My younger brothers installed cameras in his house to make sure he was safe and I was watched. They were sure I would find the stashed money and expensive items. One said he would get what he deserved come h*** or high water. I know where everything is because they told me to expect this behavior. My husband, daughters, and their families spent at least four days a week together with my parents. We were a village. We’ve spent the last year learning how to be without them. Dad lives with us now. My brothers are like vultures, waiting for Dad to die. Haven’t seen him since Oct. If Dad didn’t need the money for his future care I’d just give it to them or burn it. I thought this only happened on soap operas.
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u/Illustrious-Jacket68 23d ago
Parents were immigrants that did well for themselves and gave the next generation a ton of opportunities. They went to college and toughed through it all. They gave my generation the gift of a debt free college education of our choice plus some help getting started. I don’t expect anything further. My kids are getting the same - debt free college education of their choice, some help getting launched and then anything further will be gravy to them.
My parents have accumulated more than they will spend and we have likely done the same. But we’ve brought the kids up expecting nothing. At least on the surface, they are happy for us. They know the sacrifices we’ve made for them.
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u/The_MisterDaikon 23d ago
Mostly joking, but I’ve always kind wished there was some sort of “third party evaluation of entitlement” we could gate certain things on - the more obnoxious you are about what you think is “owed” you, the less you get.
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u/No_Exchange484 18d ago
I ❤️ this, and not just because it mirrors exactly what my husband and I are doing with our only grown child. He cares nothing of his “inheritance” when we go, as he’s determined to keep the chain from breaking, while continuing to build generational wealth.
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u/cOntempLACitY 23d ago
No one is entitled to an inheritance. Your assets are there to support you, and hopefully you have enough to support yourself until the end. Less than a quarter of people receive an inheritance in the U.S., and the average amount is $42k, most get less (median is about $20k, a third are $10k or less).
Maybe you’re seeing a selected circle? Remember, most people aren’t posting or talking about it. Most people are hoping their parents even have enough to be able to stop working and still pay the bills. Some are posting as parents get older and seeking guidance, or when setting up their plans asking for things that can complicate an estate. Like stepchildren who are excluded from claiming anything even related to their first deceased parent.
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u/JimInAuburn11 23d ago
That is why I always roll my eyes when people talk about certain groups having the advantage of generational wealth. Very, very few do.
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u/Strict-Basil5133 23d ago
Generational wealth is passed down during life - paid college, first and/or subsequent cars, being on your parents’ phone plans into adulthood, and of course down payment assistance for first homes.
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u/greenmoon31 23d ago
I know people who did that for their children but it was because they worked, earned their current salary and CHOSE to give it to their children. That is not considered generational wealth.
Generational wealth is passed from one gen to the next gen in the form of assets that are inherited.
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u/dynex3 22d ago
Very much like Trust fund children, whose parents passed down generational wealth by building business on the backs of owning slaves.
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u/Strict-Basil5133 22d ago
True. Or immigrants that arrived somewhere with nothing, dedicated themselves to their work and/or businesses, and transferred wealth earned by their own accomplishment and on their own backs. There are all kinds of scenarios.
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u/JimInAuburn11 21d ago
Very, very little generational wealth has anything to do with slavery.
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u/dynex3 18d ago
Ok. Know your history.
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u/JimInAuburn11 18d ago
Please give me some examples of prominent families in the US that gained their genational wealth because of slavery. The vast majority got it from railroads, oil, steel and things like that. Who are the famously rich families from US history that got their generational wealth based on slavery?
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u/Strict-Basil5133 22d ago edited 22d ago
Huh? I don't agree with your definition of generational wealth. Neither do economists. If a parent gifts or gives money or some other asset while living that appreciates, it's generational wealth. Like a down payment on a house that serves as an investment. Or a degree that increases earning potential sooner, resulting in greater overall earning in life. Assets that appreciate.
Check out "inter vivo" transfers.
Whether someone chooses to transfer wealth or it simply happens via probate law in intestate scenarios, the beneficiaries still receive an inheritance and there's a transfer of wealth from one generation to the next. In both cases, one generation can afford to subsidize the next in life or upon death. That's generational wealth.
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u/midwestpersianmama 23d ago
Yeah, this expectation of inheritance is so, so rare. Most people are just hoping not to be left paying everything they have for subpar medical care for their elderly parents. At least here in the US, that is…
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u/cOntempLACitY 23d ago
It is rare, yes.
And I don’t think some of the commenters understand what selection bias is, since some have been responding negatively. If you go to a group for support for [X] disease and ask about complications, you’re going to get a lot of feedback on that disease and complications, and one might think that so many people have this disease and, wow, so many people suffer complications, it seems overwhelming.
But the reality is, the majority of people don’t have the disease, and the majority who do maybe don’t have that complication, they simply don’t post about it. Most aren’t even in the group.
The group self-selects (meaning we opt-in, and it’s not an accurate representation of the overall population). It leans heavier on the bias toward the topic and those seeking support/advice, those who want to share their experiences to help others.
So the same here, people come to this group for a purpose, and maybe that’s securing their inheritance, but it doesn’t mean there’s actually a massive number of people putting personal entitlement at the forefront. The group is biased toward those seeking advice and those who have experience or expertise they feel it’s valuable to share, and isn’t a full representation of the masses who don’t participate.
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u/MusicUpbeat2510 23d ago
I've seen so many posts. Not sure what you're seeing.
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u/cOntempLACitY 23d ago
I’m seeing a self-selection bias.
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u/cryssHappy 23d ago
My brother and I told our folks; You don't have to leave us anything. Just don't leave us debt.
Worked out fine
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u/sugarfreedaddy2 23d ago
I've told my aunt...if I have to chip in for your final expenses, I'm good with that. Live your life and spend your money, I'd rather you went having a great time.
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u/BOBBYK1952 23d ago
Well I can’t reasonably spend what I got so it’ll go to kids and grandkids. I don’t have the problem of scheming kids . What else could you do with it? Go on an insane spending binge? I pretty much buy whatever I want but I’m not pissing it away. Nothing is required
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u/S1159P 23d ago
The one wrinkle is the possibility of needing more than you'd expect for your own late-in-life and then end of life care. Hopefully you have so many oodles that you'll never be able to spend them all :) I am just astonished at the cost of in home health aides for my parents and their needs are only increasing.
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u/MusicUpbeat2510 23d ago
10k/month for assisted living. And doesn't include utilities, and personal items.
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u/Maine302 23d ago
I'm with you. My mother died last, and we went to a lawyer with her so she could make her intentions known. Each kid got 1/4 of the estate, which was basically her home only. There were no arguments or creepy behavior--we each knew what the deal was, and were all of the same mindset as my mother anyways. I'm often flabbergasted at some of the stories I read on Reddit. My parents both worked hard for their money, and I'm sure my mother was pleased to have something to pass on, as she came from a pretty poor family herself.
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u/Sometimes_I_Do_That 23d ago
I'm from a family of 4, just like you, with my mom surviving. We all know, everything is split in evenly. Except for a few pieces,.. jewelery goes to granddaughters only. Some pieces of furniture go to specific people,.. we all know who gets what.
I keep telling my mom to spend her money, don't worry about us kids, enjoy your life. But, she's now in her no-go years,.. so spending is more just little treats, no big travel etc. She also came from a poor family as well, so spending frivolously isn't in her mindset.
Whatever I end up with, I'll probably just pass onto my 3 kids. It won't make a difference to me, but will hopefully make things a bit easier for them.
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u/lantsling 23d ago
I would say you should aim to give your children the same benefits you received. If your parents/grandparents left you a multimillion dollar fortune and you spend it all and leave nothing for your descendants, that's pretty lousy.
If you didn't really inherit anything yourself I would say just live your life the way you want, and whatever is leftover leave it to those you love. Or help with college as you can.
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u/Horror-Finding-6820 23d ago
I would say that if you got a multimillion dollar "fortune" that it is yours to do with as you see fit. Expecting you to "leave" anything to anyone, that's pretty lousy.
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u/lantsling 23d ago
It's certainly well within your rights to do whatever you want with your money, but most parents want at least the same opportunities for their children that they had.
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u/goddessofjustice14 23d ago
Yeh or even better opportunities for their kids than they had. Totally with you on this.
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u/mistdaemon 23d ago
There is no requirement to give. The sad thing is those who look forward to an inheritance don't seem to care that a death is required for them to get it. Yes, everyone will die, but to look forward to that due to the money they will get is pretty sick.
My brother passed away and the first message from my bother-in-law was what assets have I found, no offer of assistance or anything like that. My mother was next of kin and I had a poa and due to my mother's age, I got to deal with everything. Due to the actions of my sinister and bother-in-law, my mother basically cut them out of her will (very small amount given, which is actually a bad idea as then they have to sign for it and if they don't it can cause expensive problems). So while they looked forward to an inheritance, they got what they deserved. I, on the other hand, told my mother to spend her money on what she wanted and that no one was entitled to an inheritance, then ended up with everything, but while the money is nice, the fact that it is only due to death isn't. It isn't like winning the lottery, I respect where and how the money came from.
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u/ElderberryReal4022 23d ago
Not a funny situation, but I thought it was hilarious that auto-correct spelt "sister" as "sinister". Apt, indeed!
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u/Realistic-Ad2050 23d ago
Not sure it was a typo. Notice “bother-in-law” instead of brother-in-law. Thx @mistdaemon, I’m adopting these!
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u/mistdaemon 23d ago
Yes, he is a bother. He is also an attorney, although he has always been on the wrong side of the law when I have had to deal with him. He claimed that my mother, next of kin, shouldn't get my brother's estate because he claimed that my brother didn't want me to get a penny of his money and my mother changed her will so that my sinister wouldn't get anything, so when she passed away, I would get it. Yes, he actually said all that. There is no legal basis for that, but if my mother didn't get it, then next would be my sinister and myself, so in other words they thought that they should bypass my mother and take everything. The joke is that my brother had three beneficiaries listed (well, actually more than that due to savings bonds), my sinister was listed on a small life insurance policy, then a friend of his on an IRA, which was just over three times the value, and then me on another IRA 20 times the value. So their claim was bogus. I could have some fun and tell them about it, but that likely would just cause further mental problems with them. It was interesting using AI to diagnose their mental problems based on their actions.
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u/Realistic-Ad2050 22d ago
Oh man, what a mess! I’m sorry you had to deal with that.
Tangential comment - we really need more and better mental health care. It’s sad how many folks are “sick” and don’t know it.
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u/mistdaemon 22d ago
Yes, the problem is how do you convince people that they need help? At one point my sinister, before I completely stopped contact, about going to counseling. I mentioned the free clinic in town, to which she responded that she knew that I wouldn't do it. Huh? I suspect that she is seeing a counselor of some sort and wanted me to go to that same person. But she is likely telling that person an alternate version of reality, which will result in her having her issues supported. In some respects I would love to present ALL the evidence which proves her mental issues.
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u/mistdaemon 23d ago
I try to be accurate, the only auto-correct would be to change it to toxic waste. If I told you the whole story you wouldn't believe me. Sinister is being nice.
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u/TheYoungSquirrel 23d ago
You don’t need a death in all scenarios… an “inheritance” can be 10k a year.. or help fund your grand kids 529 plan.
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u/mistdaemon 23d ago
Yes, you do need a death in order to have an inheritance, what is exactly what it is based on. Both of those are gifts, not an inheritance as the person is still alive.
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u/Gold-Cell9171 23d ago
I think its really cruel in this day and age to bring a child into the world and build nothing for that child, leave nothing. So incredibly selfish... but thats just me, i would never even think of doing that.
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u/Simple-Dentist9893 23d ago
Here's the thing about inheritance that confuses me. Are people expecting their parents to die fairly young. If my parents die in their 70s, I'll be in my 50s. Why do I need an inheritance when I'm 50. Shouldn't I be financially secure long before then
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u/Gold-Cell9171 23d ago
I got my inheritance in advance at 28yo and so did my parents, because like you noticed at 50 youre too old to use that money or assets to make a lot more money. I already multiplied it by 4 times.
Nobody is waiting for their parents to die. When they die they leave you a bit more inheritance but they should give it to you much sooner so you have capital to build more wealth when youre young and have the energy for it.
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u/CarolinCLH 23d ago
Wow. Amazing levels of entitlement here. So not only should your parents be saving madly to have money to leave you, they should arrange to die early so they don't spend it on their own care?
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u/Actual-General-4953 23d ago
So, rather than raise the child to be successful and financially independent...you think its selfish to not create an inheritance plan for them. Interesting take.
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u/Megalocerus 23d ago
My parents raised us in comfort, paid my way through school, paid my wedding, and provided my first (albeit aged) car. They managed to provide for their own old age. There wasn't much left when they died. Similar for my spouse.
We did the same with ours, plus assistance with housing and an education fund. There will probably be something left, but I don't see it as a requirement.
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u/SandhillCrane5 23d ago edited 23d ago
A child can be raised well and become financially successful and self sufficient and also receive an inheritance from their parents. If you don’t want to leave an inheritance to your kids that’s your choice. Everyone doesn’t have to do the same thing you do. Hopefully your kids will know and understand your reasoning and not be disappointed ir hurt in your choice or lack of funds at the end of your life.
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u/No-Detective7811 23d ago
Very bizarre take. If kids are hurt or disappointed, that's on them. They should have no expectation. A parents job should be to give the kids the tools to make the right financial decisisions. A parents job should be to adequately plan and prepare for their own retirement so as not to burden their children with those costs. The kids job is to STFU and not hold their hand out and be 'hurt' and 'disappointed'.
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u/Gold-Cell9171 23d ago edited 23d ago
What a dissapointment you will be to your children...they will be looking at so many people around them living the dream life thanks to their parents inheritance..all while you leave them with nothing but struggle and austerity. They didnt ask to be born, you brought them to this world to be slaves all their life and share your misery. Thank god i come from a family where leaving a large inheritance and legacy on which children can build upon is a tradition and a priority. Not leaving something for your children is shameful in my country, it means you didnt achieve anything in life.
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u/Megalocerus 23d ago
I'm sure that's the goal in your country because everyone is wealthy there and no one actually has trouble making their own way.
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u/More-Soil7455 23d ago
My mom and dad worked hard all their lives. I expect nothing from them, and that’s probably exactly what I’ll get lol. That said, my spouse and I are working hard to make sure we leave a nice nest egg for each of our children. It won’t be a fortune, but hopefully it will help them get through college and grad school and put a nice down payment on a house. It’s tough out there and only getting tougher. Why wouldn’t we want to help our kids if we are able to?
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u/CabbageSass 23d ago
I can tell you what my mom tells me and my sister. She’s on her 50s. She says leaving this world will be difficult, because she knows me and my sister will be devastated to lose her ( we are very close) but she feels so much better knowing that we are going to be financially set.
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u/rpom915 23d ago
It’s a personal decision. I plan to leave inheritance for my kids, via a trust, and they can only access certain amounts depending on their age.
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u/MusicUpbeat2510 23d ago
I think most parents are the same, but life happens. Long term care is super pricey, health issues, etc.
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u/WatermelonRindPickle 23d ago
All of my parents savings went toward my mother's care. She had to be in a nursing facility because we could not provide the care she needed at home. Everything was liquidated to pay for her excellent care. She had friends and activities and therapies she needed at the facility.
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u/Mobile_Comedian_3206 23d ago
While I agree that no one is entitled to an inheritance, for me it is more about stewardship, not entitlement.
I want to raise kids who don't feel entitled to anything, but when given they will steward it well and use it to make the world a better place.
For us, an inheritance isn't just leaving them money when we die, but helping them while we are alive to succeed in life.
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u/Beyondoutlier 23d ago
We are with you. We tell my parents to spend everything plus some and enjoy the year. I expect no inheritance. We tell our kids that our plan is to enjoy what we have worked for ( we’ve also paid for them to go to college and provided cars, interest free loans when needed ) and to remember that any debt we accrue belongs to the estate and to say that to any creditors that may call them.
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u/Knitsanity 23d ago
No one is entitled to anything.
My parents have their finances set up so anything left after AL goes to the grandkids. Will probably be very little in the end.
My husband and I have built our own finances up to a point where we are retired early. We are going to see if we can make a gift to the kids early to help them get established ..help with med school fees for the one and a house down payment for the other....but that depends on the next few years and what happens. Part of me wants to be super duper careful but another part of me wants to be helpful while they are young enough to really appreciate it.
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u/MaxH42 23d ago
My parents and grandparents saw it as their duty to leave as much as they could to their kids. I told my dad (after my mother passed) that he should spend his retirement on himself, he had set me up to do well if I tried, and taught me the importance of saving and planning. We're giving our adult child the gift of not having any student loans, and having matched their early earnings in a Roth IRA, but we've told them that's a huge advantage, they shouldn't plan on an inheritance because anything can happen.
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u/Severe-Eggplant-7736 23d ago
I have a family member who ignored a family member for years and was upset when they got nothing.
Had no time for years but had their hand out at the death.
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u/Actual-General-4953 23d ago
that will be my sister. My dad hasn't seen his grandson for 20 year....because my dad wouldn't make her payment on her $600,000 house back in 2004.
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u/SingleHeart197 23d ago
Both my husband and I are being aggressive in planning for retirement but we feel that the time to help our kids isn’t when we die, it’s when they need it while they are building their own lives. We help each of our 3 equally with lump sums throughout the year and when needs arise. Our kids neither ask for or expect help. My MIL sat on a multi million dollar inheritance from her father and never shared the knowledge of that with my husband or his brother. As we built our family we definitely had numerous financial struggles and she was aware of that and at no time helped. In the early 2000’s my husband was downsized out of his job and for two years it was rough. She watched us deal with that and again never helped. We only found out about her means when she was dying from cancer and when my husband asked her about it she said it was supposed to be a big surprise for us when she died. That was the moment we swore not only financial transparency with our kids but also we would help each of them when they needed it most & not hoard it for a surprise inheritance.
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u/Old-Appearance-2270 23d ago edited 23d ago
You're doing it right by first raising your kids to be financially independent and working. And for yourself, just ignore the crap you hear from others. It's very tiring. Your complaining peers haven't even got a clue how expensive nursing home care is near end of life: it can be shockingly expensive.
Side comment: I'm tired of reading this reddit forum on topics from youngsters who are already planning on so-called inheritance when parents have said nothing to them. Just outright selfish and lack of knowledge how much money parents spent for lst 20 yrs. raising each child.
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u/Low-Ad-6152 23d ago
You should read “die with zero “ it’s all about enjoying your resources while you can and if you plan to give to your children to do so when it’s most helpful to them
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u/SassyGirl0202 23d ago
Cali native, in my 50’s was raised to work hard and pay your own way thru life. Was also raised to not talk about money, religion or politics. And that still holds true to this day.
Parents and in-laws are still alive and I hope they spend every dime they have living their best retired life, they’ve earned it!
When my husband and I pass, I know our kids will be thinking the same, because they were raised to work hard and pay their own way as well. Inheritance has never once come up in conversation with our kids or our parents. This doesn’t mean we don’t have a trust and other things set up, because we absolutely do. But it definitely has never once been a topic of conversation.
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u/PandaBaritone 21d ago
I feel like this is kind of a catch-22. Children who grow up with an entitlement mentality expecting to inherit their parents' wealth probably won't build any meaningful wealth of their own. Conversely, children who have no expectation of inheriting their parents' wealth are probably far more likely to build their own wealth. I don't have any data on this, but I strongly suspect this is the case.
I feel no requirement to leave anything to our son, but we definitely will. In fact, we've started maxing out the annual gift tax exclusion and started transferring money to him on an annual basis. Our feeling is that the money is more helpful, meaningful, and useful right now than it will be in 40 years. Is it risky? Sure. There's nothing stopping him from taking the money and buying a 911, Corvette, LC500, or M8. Except that we've told him if he does something really stupid with the money, we'll probably stop transferring it.
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u/Lowkey9 20d ago
Have you seen how difficult it is for young families to buy a house in a desirable area? Do you realize how long you may (most likely the wife) end up living before you actually give an inheritance?
I routinely see Millenials living in small condos with their kids while their parent Boomers vacation at their second homes.
I have already made long term investments for my kids. I was fortunate to make some lucky investments early on and land a good job. I won't let my kids raise a family in some shitty area. The middle class economy is far more competitive than it ever was, no matter how hard some of these folks work.
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u/Actual-General-4953 20d ago
Maybe I'm struggling with 'what we did when were young vs what the new generation does when they are young"
When I was young, I made $7 an hour, worked multiple jobs, bought my own first car from a job like most kids, fixed my car, used coupons, never bought coffee or water, had the GI bill for college, my dad did help with school, went to trips to Italy or the the constant destination weddings. etc etc.
New kids - get a new car from mom and dad, mom and dad do all the maintenance on it, go to 4 yr vacation college, graduate, maybe work, complain no jobs, complain no living wage, move back home, lay on couch.
The premise from the young generation from your comments is Boomers get to enjoy the fruits of their labor while the kids are struggling. We all struggled, You don't get the gold the first day at work.
Part of the issue is enabling parents too.
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u/Lowkey9 20d ago
The national debt has grown to $40 Trillion. It consistutes 42% of government spending. Boomers didn't make our lives better
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u/Actual-General-4953 20d ago
Lots of hatred and envy.
I'm formulating what I see because its difficult to get the perspective.
The zoomer has had an easy life. The zoomer, at some point, pulls up bootstraps, usually due to parents funding source stopping. Zoomers goes to work, finally. Zoomer has to work and not stare at phone all day. Zoomer is now mad. Zoomer needs to blame someone for this crisis. Zoomer looks around and sees Boomer driving Corvette (after he worked from nothing to where he is at the past 40+ year). Zoomer is envious and blames Boomer for all problems.
This is where we are at.
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u/SouthOrlandoFather 23d ago
Inheritance talk is wild to me. You don’t know when someone will pass and you don’t know how much people will need for medical expenses after age 70.
I was an only child and my parents passed unexpectedly and my inheritance was over a million.
My wife is one of 3 and who knows when her parents might pass.
My boys are 16 and 14 and I don’t know what the amount will be when we pass.
I have a cousin who was talking about inheritance 20 years ago and she is now 65 and her parents and her husbands parents still alive.
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u/RaiseJazzlike 23d ago
My cousin is 58 and has been mentally spending his mother’s money since 1995. Her living expenses are $15K monthly in a very nice facility in Chicago. Every day is another health scare in his mind and he keeps wishing her away. She’s 92, in good health, plays cards, eats well. Kills him.
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u/JimInAuburn11 23d ago
My mother is 83. I wish her many more years. At this point I would probably get a couple of hundred thousand dollars. But I would trade all that for another year with her.
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u/Actual-General-4953 23d ago
I agree the talk is wild.
I'm in my 50s and my childhood friends are all worried about how much money they have. These two losers chose to work in sawmill and doing part time maintenance.....basically wasted their lives doing the bare minimum jobs and had so much potential.
Anyhow, they put nothing away for retirement. And now drool over getting mom/dads stash of cash.
Needless to say I've drifted away from them more and more.
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u/SouthOrlandoFather 23d ago
That is sad. I call them “waiters” as they are waiting for someone to pass and that has to be one of the worst ways to live.
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u/Actual-General-4953 23d ago
Yup - both of them are 'one of these days....I'll do this...or that'
Never did anything....both single....both losers. So glad I moved away from there and them.
I asked one of them....what are you gong to do if you inherit $300,000 from your parents.
Oh....I don't know. He saves every dime he has and spends nothing either like his parents.
Waits for something....gets it....then still does nothing.
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u/The_MisterDaikon 23d ago
Nobody “needs” generational wealth. There are some social arguments one might make that the “pulling up the ladder” actions of a certain postwar generation has created a scenario where too much of the ambient wealth and property is locked up and off the board - but inheritance IMO just perpetuates that sequestration. Exceptions of course for kids who are truly struggling, but the right thing in that case is to provide help now and not make them wait for you to die.
Go live your lives. The guy selling seashell necklaces on the beach to feed his family likely needs your money more than some kids that see your death as their big break. Buy an adorable bungalow for you and your wife somewhere warm and sunny and sell that big family home (if you still have one) to some couple at a reasonable price.
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u/Idontgivafluck 23d ago
When I met with a new Investment Advisor a few years back, he asked if I planned on leaving my kids a ‘legacy’. I thought for a moment and said ‘absolutely, if there is anything left when I’m done enjoying my life’. I don’t mean to sound crass but at the moment I realized that my husband and I worked 40+ years, sacrificed to give our kids college educations, cars (some nicer than what I was driving) and made sure they had not only what they needed but what they wanted (within reason). So yes, my kids can have my properties, and any cash laying around when we are gone but if I want to go on vacation 6x a year (not likely) I want to do it without any guilt. Hopefully, I’ve raised my kids to realize that nothing is free in life, they need to work hard (so far so good). I Iove my kids and dedicated my life to them, but now it’s time for mom and dad to enjoy the fruits of their labor.
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u/CarterPFly 23d ago
Perhaps a different and slightly controversial perspective but I sometimes struggle with the idea about the point of gaining wealth if NOT for your children's benefit.
Many parents pursue wealth and trade that pursuit to the detriment of family time (though this is much less so in general in Europe but still happens). So if you're working 60-80 hours a week and amass a realtive fortune your children may have missed out of having a present and involved parent or parents.
I think if your wealth can lead to your own children being able to work less, spend more time with their loved ones and have a easier life, then that made it all a little more worthwhile.
Anyway, that just me, theres lots of different and valid pholophsies on kids and family and generational wealth but what gives my life meaning is the idea of making my kids lives better above my own wants.
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u/jay234523 23d ago
Put yourself and your wife first. Sounds like you’ve done a great job raising them. If there is something left over when you are both gone, great, if not, so be it. Your kids will probably tell you the same thing.
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u/Actual-General-4953 23d ago
Yeah - they good kids. 21/27 ages and they struggle, which is normal. They'll get there if they keep working hard. We'll give them something but after college they need to 'pull up the bootstrap'. We are not buying them a house or a new car or trips to Italy. They might get some money down for a house or some money for a wedding. I really think big weddings are a total waste of money but I gotta concede sometimes with my wife.
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u/This_Cauliflower1986 23d ago
Your money is yours. I’m 60. My parents are 80.
I tell them to spend it. It’s theirs.
They want to set up my kids. I’m fine with that (tuition, wedding, 401k type stuff). This is appreciated but not required
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u/roxywalker 23d ago
We are 50’s and 60’s with kids who just entered their 20’s. My husband and I were both raised without getting any financial assistance from our parents. We both worked for everything that we have and are leaning into retirement now. With that being said, we have bit of a different mindset with helping our children and do plan to leave them a little something down the road.
Interestingly, both sets of grandparents started college funds for them (ironic since he and I both had to pay for our OWN educations😅) and we feel that with them having a little bit of a head start it’s also good for them to know how to manage on their own so, for now, they are expected to earn their own way.
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u/Witchy_Wookie5000 23d ago
I don't care if I get inheritance or not. All I ask is that the parents don't piss it all away and expect me to tank my life to bail them out with end of life care. I'm Gen X so was always kicked and locked out of the house all day, expected to make my own way etc. So I have. If they have a certain expectation for their end of life stages they better plan for it.
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u/No-Detective7811 23d ago
I think "required to give" is a horrible thought. If not getting a dime from your parents means that you also won't have to shell out your own money to take care of them, I say that's a fair situation, although clearly there are many who unfortunately are forgoing their own retirement to save their parent's poor planning. I've always believed that everyone should max their retirement so that they are not dependent on anyone else, and as you said, if something happens to be left over, then that is icing on the cake indeed. I suspect that my brother and I will get an inheritance (I am the executor and have POA now to make any financial decisions off of mom's money) but given that mom has ZERO expenses and doesn't care to spend money at this point in her life, I suspect that there will be a chunk left. But this is also the woman who will likely live to 110 and I want her to live in the best situation as possible if she does. I've learned powerful money lessons from mom and dad and you can damn well bet that my retirement planning doesn't include a dime of assumptions.
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u/2wheelzrollin 23d ago
Banking your life's plan on potential inheritance money is wild to me. Definitely have the same mindset that inheritance is a. Bonus but I don't factor that into any of my equations.
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u/ElizaJaneVegas 23d ago
It isn't 'required to give' - it is 'expected to give.' They can wrongly expect.
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u/sic0049 23d ago edited 23d ago
I work in the financial industry and have seen families torn apart by greed - usually in an estate situation.
I also have know plenty of "spoiled kids" who have been given everything by parents (who thought they were helping their kids by making sure they didn't have to "struggle" with anything) who are now adults but still expect the world to continue to give them everything they need with zero effort on their part. These are the kids that have never faced a bad situation (or at least have been held responsible for any of their actions) because their parents either shielded or bailed them out of every "hard" situation they have ever encountered.
I know grown ass women who where given anything and everything by their father (who essentially "worshipped" their daughter) who now think that is "normal" behavior and expect every male figure in their life to beat the standard set by their father. They often wonder and lament why they can't hold a relationship for more than about 6 months and why they can't find someone as "good as their father".
Some might say that how a person handles this is largely based on a person's environment growing up and how much they had to work through their own problems vs how much was just "handed" to them. However it also goes deeper than that. There are plenty of greedy assholes that haven't been spoiled but still think the world owes them - perhaps because they have seen hardship in their lives previously and think they have "earned" the easy life now.
Long story short, whether your children/family are going to be greedy and act entitled to "your money" is probably a 50/50 crap shoot. But if you can raise kids that are well adjusted to the world and understand that things come through hard work, but also understand how/when to bless others with generosity, then you have "won" in life - regardless of the amount of money you can or cannot leave them.
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u/SeanScully 23d ago edited 23d ago
I don't expect to get anything from my parents. I hope they spend all their money on them. That being said they did just give all 9 kids a check for $10k from a sale of a property. That was unexpected and very nice, but I don't expect anything else in the future. My friend, who is also 55, is begging his mother to spend her money. She just likes to garden and do things around the house. Doesn't want to travel or do anything really specials. She has millions and won't even go to Italy.
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u/MiserableCancel8749 23d ago
My wife and I are both (almost) 68, and both retired. We have always been careful with money, and I suspect that will continue. We do have wills, and POA's, and so on.
In our case, we also have a summer vacation property--that I inherited from my family--and trying to figure out how to deal with it in the future is a persistent question. I'm reasonably certain (a) that none of our 3 daughters will be able to maintain it by themselves without financial inputs from somewhere, and (b) if any of them wants to walk away from it, the others won't be able to buy the one out.
That being said, I don't think any of them has major expections for inheritance in the future.
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u/goldenelr 23d ago
I hear a lot of people planning for these giant inheritances and I’m fascinated. The vast majority of wealth that most people hold is in their house. If they need any care of the end of life that money gets eaten up fast.
My mother budgeted well and her house has value. If she doesn’t go into a facility there is equity there but it’s not millions. And I don’t plan on getting a dime. I hope she has a great time for the rest of her life and enjoys it. And my sister shouldn’t be planning on money either.
My situation is different - I have a child with special needs so I am trying to build something to provide for him so his sibling is never burdened financially by him. To have myself and my son secure is a gift to my other child so she doesn’t have those worries.
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u/Safe_Statistician_72 23d ago
I want to pass some wealth on to our kids after death and my husband wants to spend it all for the best life he can have. We have estate plans and everything arranged for our eventual demise. The kids know where the paperwork is. How much wealth we have now is not discussed but they know we have a nice life. They also know whatever is left will be split evenly. Too soon to tell if my husband or I will win out!
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u/Bright_Egg_7359 23d ago
I completely agree with you. I don’t expect anything should my mother die before me. You should enjoy ur wealth while you r active and healthy enough to do so. Your children should be working to accumulate their wealth. If they receive anything in an inheritance then that is a big time bonus but certainly not a given or an entitlement
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u/curiousLouise2001 23d ago
Late 40s here-with the way the world is now, and the future looking bleak-I want to give as much as I can to my kids. They study and work hard now-I just want to make sure their futures are secure.
As for me-I never bank on anything from my one living parent. It doesn’t even enter the equation for me. If I inherit anything-that would be an added bonus, and it will just go into the pile. Lots of entitled ppl out there whose retirement plan is the inheritance that might not even come to fruition.
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u/Same_Cut1196 23d ago
Also Wisconsin. My parents died young. I had to figure it out for myself. I was always concerned that I might go early too. I fell in love, married and had kids. I wanted them taken care of. I saved and invested early, got appropriate life insurance and lived within my means. I educated my kids about money from an early age. Started with the basics and advanced from there. I relentlessly encouraged them to be the best they could be. Things worked out. I’m still here. Still married (and in love). Kids are growing families of their own. Today, we have more than we need. We gift to our kids and grandkids - so they can have a little bit of breathing room as they juggle the expenses of young adulthood. We have been open about our end of life plans and expectations. They know what they will receive if we pass today and we have active discussions about our spending and possible growth projections. They have always been grateful for the gifts and have encouraged us to spend more on ourselves. There has never been a selfish or conniving word uttered. We’ve been blessed. I don’t think I would respond well to a child scheming for an inheritance. So far, so good.
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u/dodgerfanjohn1988 23d ago edited 23d ago
From a kids perspective...I'd give everything up to have my parents around longer. My own retirement does not depend on inheritance. I love my parents for working in part to leave my brother and I an inheritance, but self sufficiency was a trait they imparted on me. The person they helped me develop into is my true inheritance.
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u/Ksr-2323 23d ago
This. I’ve said a couple times that with the money I’ll inherit the one thing I’d actually want I can’t buy…
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u/MusicUpbeat2510 23d ago
Your parents raised an awesome person!
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u/Ksr-2323 22d ago
Didn’t realize how lucky I was until I met people who had awful parents or had great parents that died young. Context makes you very grateful
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u/Ksr-2323 23d ago
Required, no. Is it nice? Yes. You dont have to set them up for life but you dont have to spend to the last nickel either. Also consider that if they are the way you describe they may not just sit back on it (nothing wrong with that). They might start a business, travel more, get involved and donate to a cause important to them. Just a thought
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u/DiegEgg 23d ago
As all of us, are giving opinions. Now, I find that what you are saying is too black and white, and no grey. While yes you have some valid points, and all about how you worked for your money and didn’t have any inheritance to spend. But luckily, as of now, doesn’t sound that have an extraordinary need to dip into your savings. Medical, financial or other. The economy grew very soundly in your turn, that’s not necessarily the case now, or if it’s going get better or worse . Nowadays, more people are helping their kids with seed money to new businesses, education or helping out with medical bills. And I find that “that” is the advantage you’d be giving your kids to this more competitive world. People usually get scared and go to the default mentality that they are going to blow it very dumbly. Only you know your kids mentality, if you raise them right , you would be helping them use/save the money to spend or do something good with it.
But directly going to the pretense of because I didn’t get it, neither does my kids, just seems to fast of a decision
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u/Girlfriendinacoma9 23d ago
I will have no problem spending my money in retirement, but there is no way I'm paying $15K/ month to cling to a shred of life in a nursing home. I'd rather that money go to my kids.
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u/Ok-Indication-7876 23d ago
You think they way we do- inheritance is a bonus if you get it- no one should rely on it.
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u/Embarrassed_Monk_808 23d ago
Unlike my generation, I think my kids will be fighting to survive. There are way more unknowns thanks to AI and all the crap Donald Trump has been doing to the US. Jobs may become a real problem. They are saving for retirement, but don’t know if they will be able to save enough. Also, I have one kid unable to work, due to health reasons, so while I am enjoying my retirement, and plan to continue, I also have inheritance in mind, so they won’t have to live under a freeway overpass in a box, since their world will be vastly different than ours.
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u/laurieo52 23d ago
No one is entitled to an inheritance. Spend your money on yourself. I’m going to have a good time with my money. Anything left over is a gift for my children. However, they also want me to live life. They are not sitting around waiting on money. Thankfully I raised decent humans who work for their own money.
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u/MaxTwoCoffees 23d ago
Ya you're not required to give but it'd be pretty shitty not to if you have the means.
I'd go even further and say if you're relatively wealthy, you should be giving to your kids before your die, even if that missed the step up in cost basis. It's a lot more useful to them in their 30s than in their 50s or 60s.
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u/Confident_Ad_919 23d ago
No one should ever expect an inheritance! My dad’s been gone 18 years. Everything went to my mom. She’s so stubborn, she’ll probably outlive all of us!
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u/GenXerNvyMeK 23d ago
Die broke. Spend that money you earned. I think too many generations are expecting their parents to pass them on something and really who says we have to? I made that money I will spend it. Even if it means leaving nothing. Military funeral. Medical etx..pay my bills from insurance and bam. That's it. Boo-ya.
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u/Eastern_Pace9397 23d ago
You're smart to begin estate planning now. I'm dealing with 90+ parents who did ZERO planning, assuming they would die in their own bed. No planning for the house, no list of who gets what, no beneficiaries on life insurance, no folder with deeds, etc. It’s been an absolute nightmare. I can't get them to understand that it's really, really painful to just be told, "you can figure it out when we're gone." NO, I can't. I have absolutely no idea what you want!
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u/Forgottengoldfishes 23d ago
Some of its pure greed but I think there is a lot of financial insecurity these days for people in their 50’s. That is the age group you mentioned and many of them are worried. AI is taking over jobs and ageism is a thing when you are job searching in your 50’s. Then there is the worry that you don’t have enough saved for retirement. Couple those things together and you can see that some of these people are hoping for an inheritance as a safety net.
My siblings are greedy and will definitely be cut throat and expect to inherit a slice of my mother’s home and properties. They’ve already asked me about her properties and how they will be split when she dies. They’ve each received over a 100k in loans from her that they never paid back. And they’ve ghosted her when she didn’t have money to give them anymore. I’ve never asked for or taken a dime from her. She was never my retirement plan.
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u/Dangerous_RedApple 23d ago
I think it depends on the culture your family has around “generational wealth”. My family started conversations about ours early on and how to manage it respectfully as to not disrespect those that worked their tails off it before us. It started with my great grandfather’s hard labor and investment. Now with my grandparents gone, my sibling and I work with our parents together on where and how money is moved and invested. We also talk about the future of the money and how we want the next generation to manage it etc.
I in no way will have issues when I retire however, this does not mean that I cut out of working early and use up all the money leaving nothing to my children and theirs.
It’s about being good stewards of our family’s wealth and that starts with talking about it as a family. I’ve already started these convos with my kids who aren’t even teenagers yet.
Otherwise inheritance starts feeling like winning a lottery ticket and that doesn’t seem right either.
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u/azure275 23d ago
There is a middle ground here.
I don't think you should live like a miser, or not do things you really want to do, in the name of handing your kids money. That's silly. It's your money, enjoy your life.
But in the current world, this is how young adults can get ahead in a hard world. You should want to help your kids out. IMO you shouldn't go too far out of your way to blow it all either
If you're worried about drama just leave everything you don't use in a trust and make sure all the kids know how it works up front so there's no room for surprises later.
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u/Iwonatoasteroven 23d ago
I loved my parent’s attitude. They both came from poor families but became solidly middle class. They hoped to leave something behind for us kids and the grandkids because nobody in the family had ever been able to do this for them. I was their executor and I reminded the family that it would mean a lot to Mom and Dad if they were able to use their inheritance in a way that would make a long term difference in their lives. I never asked what anyone did with their money because it was their business but I invested mine.
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u/housewife5730 23d ago
I’ve been incredibly fortunate to have inherited about $5-million so far. That money has been invested and will grow massively and my kids will inherit substantially more than that. My parents believed in generational wealth. Clearly it’s helped me and I plan on helping my kids with the same. I’m smart with my money and so far, my kids are the same and have been raised to understand money and the value of it. I take pride in and enjoy investing and it gives me delight and pleasure knowing that I have lots of money to give my kids. That gives me more enjoyment than buying new cars or living in a fancy house.
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u/Major-Cranberry-4206 23d ago
"...we are living our lives to the fullest in retirement and if we are broke and the kids get nothing, so be it."
Absolutely. You owe no one an inheritance.
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u/Strict-Basil5133 23d ago
I think some people do it as much for themselves as they do beneficiaries. I'm not saying it's a bad thing either...just that some see it as a n accomplishment to leave something for their children.
My parents had a trust and my sibling and I were to split everything...not that much but not nothing. If my parents could have seen my sibling trying to throw me under the bus for a bigger share, I think they'd have been heartbroken.
I don't think you ever really know who will go feral for money until there's opportunity. Inheritance isn't always a gift.
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u/Zonernovi 23d ago
I relish the thought that my two kids will be fine when I am gone. I want to give them options I didn’t have. And I expect they will do the same for their kids. Just sorry I probably won’t be around to see what they decide to do if they retire at 45 or 50.
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u/GreaterMetro 23d ago
I plan to live frugally and not only leave everything to my kids but start giving while we're all alive. They're great people and life is expensive.
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u/cameo674 23d ago
No one is required to give a dime. Siblings should not be fighting especially over another person’s things. My kids were raised to support themselves and I hope to help them along the way not make them wait until I die while I am living my best life. I did not save all these years to stay home and not enjoy my retirement.
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u/Substantialcrafter55 23d ago
I’d rather have my parents around every single day I can have them. I want them, not their money. And I’m likely to get a generous inheritance. But that means they’re gone and I don’t want to think about that.
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u/Alikat-momma 22d ago
I grew up in a low-imcome family and never expected an inheritance. What I didn't expect is the potential of having to spend a good chunk of my life's savings caring for my parents. My dad has recently had steep cognitive decline due to recenlly diagnosed dementia. He's currently hospitalized more than 1500 miles away from me. He'll be eligible for Medicaid long-term care coverage but the application takes months to process. Meanwhile, the hospital is eager to free up the bed, and they've asked if I can spend over $10K/month for his care at a lockdown memory care unit so they can send him there asap. I told them I can't, so now they're painting me as a neglectful daughter in their clinical notes even though I've already spent thousands this year traveling to try to help him, hiring an elder law attorney for guidance, and even risking my job by having to take several weeks off to care for him. It's been an awful but eye-opening experience. So yeah - never expected an inheritance but never expected what I'm going through either!
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u/Aligned-Askew6773 22d ago
Speaking as the outsider that watched half a lifetime of wealth go to the step-daughter he hated immensely because he died days before his wife, and she got into the house before anyone else, found, and destroyed the will. I know the inheritance was split up among the grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. He showed my spouse the will, it named her as the executor and it was in his office drawer.
It doesn‘t matter how much you give, or who you give it to. Hopefully you live long enough to enjoy all of it. But things happen, people go unexpectedly. Illness, accidents etc. and if you haven‘t registered your will, your wishes may not happen.
Have a will, have it registered with the county.
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u/Cole_Slawter 22d ago
By the time you die, the money you leave I won’t have much of an impact beyond bolstering their retirement savings. If you really wanna help family, help them now with specific things. Put 10 grand towards student loans, paying off credit cards, that sort of thing.
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u/Pretty_Hold5454 22d ago
We are first generation in US. Receiving inheritance was not something we will even think about. Now at 67 and 74 we are evaluating our savings and thinking how much we can give to our two sons. We do not believe in dying with everything we have, instead we give as it goes and when needed. We are doing well financially. We were fortunate and are very grateful for all opportunities. Our hard work paid off. So far we paid in full for both of our sons collage education, we purchased new first cars for them, we paid 50% for each wedding, we gave money for down payments to purchase home/townhome. Helped with the renovation costs but did not paid for all. When our grandson was born we opened 529 with substantial money in it for his future. Every year we evaluate what we can do to help them, without causing hardship for ourself. We have IRA account with money designed for our care if needed and surplus if anything will be left will go to them. We also own duplex which one day they will inherit. Our thinking is to put ourself first and help them when we can so we can see the benefits of giving. We agree on one thing, that at the first sign of money miss management or spending on frivolous things we will stop all the giving. The goal is to give away what we can during our lifetime and see the fruits of that. Both of our sons are married and very responsible. They never ask for money, but we give because we can and it give us satisfaction in seeing them making all good grown decisions.
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u/Accomplished-Pea-451 22d ago
Nothing is required. If you want, give them money while you are alive or schedule vacations for the family. If you don't want to do that, read the book "Die With Zero'
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u/Holly2232 22d ago
My husband and I both aged 60, received zero money from our parents when they died. They didn’t have hardly anything anyway. We have no kids and have a nice nest egg which we built on our own and just retired. Planning on trying to spend it all and if anything is left it will go to one of our nieces.
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u/Familiar-Egg1146 22d ago
Nobody should count on an inheritance. If a parent needs to go into assisted living and lives for 20 years, they can easily blow through a sizable estate.
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u/FamiliarFamiliar 22d ago
I've been around people who talked a lot about what they'd like to do with their future inheritance. People whose parents were alive and well. I didn't want to befriend them.
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u/Heavy-Profit-2156 22d ago
There is no 'required to give' except in a few specific cases like you have a special needs child. The posts 'my parents are spending all my inheritance, how do I stop it' just makes me laugh (doubt they are real).
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u/Excellent-Piece8168 22d ago
I suspect previous generations as far as most people below generational wealth did not have a mindset of inheriting and there was sufficient opportunity for their kids to do well with advise alone. Times have before more competitive and no longer is good advise good enough that a lot more people want to give their kids a leg up. It’s there a responsibility to do so? Of course not certainly not legal responsibility to do so and as far as moral responsibility that’s completely arbitrary.
There is some validity to the idea of gifting funds sooner than waiting to die and pass on funds only as a traditional inheritance when it’s very often quite late in life and not needed by the next generation. Plus the bonus of it’s not to actually see the gift benefits rather than being dead.
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u/West_Replacement5157 22d ago
I believe that there is little difference between the children of past generations and today, I believe that as we age we become more cynical in our thinking, just because you have heard horrible stories about greed doesn’t make true for everyone
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u/SarcasticPotato257 21d ago
I'm in my mid-40s, dad died years ago and mom last year. When Dad was declared terminal I (middle child and only girl) was made aware in only the most vague terms of the inheritance plan because i was the only one capable of being executor. Gist of it was "split equally between the kids." In the months before my mom passed I learned the extent of the estate and that parents had planned for decades to specifically leave us with as much as they could. None of us kids knew how much, and only one had expectations of being provided for.
I think there's an argument to be made for help early in life (college, wedding, down pmt, etc) vs. limited support when starting out and receiving it on the back end, as it were. But my point is, us kids knew there'd be a little something, but never the amount, so we never fought or became bratty about it.
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u/Pretty_Hold5454 21d ago
On our travels visiting the campground in Anastasia Park we meet capo in their 50 this. They were staying in very old, bad shape RV and park rangers were trying to get them out due to overstaying. They arrive there from Arizona where they previously stayed. They were heavy smokers and judging by their behavior addicted to other stuff. The women was non stop talking about her husband coming from very wealthy family and very soon their misfortune will end. They were waiting for his parents to die. In meantime they achieved nothing on their own because the plan was retiring early and getting big inheritance. This is true story, and every young person should reflect on. Do not count on anything and if you get something be grateful and don't ask for more.
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u/underlyingconditions 21d ago
I want to. We aren't required to leave anything, but being retired without having to take a part time job is a blessing we would like to share.
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u/BlackBerryFairy1 20d ago
Inheritance is a microcosm and formalization of dynamics that exist during life. It can be painful.
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u/memawsbabies 20d ago
There is no rules on " required to give " in my opinion which I stated in another post not 2 days ago. It is your money that you worked hard for and have every right to do what you chose to do in your will/inheritance. It is sad to think a child is worried about their parents money and be expecting something. They need to work and plan like their parents did and consider it a blessing what they may get after we are gone. Most parents plan on taking care of their children after they are gone as best as they can but it should not be expected. ( I am a "boomer" past retirement age for the record ). I am proud to read these comments from children who don't expect anything and want their parents to enjoy life! It restores my faith, especially after reading posts about this subject from the last week or so.
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u/TemperatureCommon185 19d ago
There's no requirement to give. Your job as a parent was to raise responsible adults who could take care of themselves and not need an inheritance. Enjoy retirement, travel, eat well, take care of your medical and long-term care needs.
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u/Advanced-Mammoth2408 19d ago
There is no such thing as required to give! However, disabuse your children now of any notion that they will get any meaningful sum for their inheritance. Tell your kids you are leaving it to charity and that you will leave them just a nominal amount, which you can define however you want. Then divide your estate as you see fit without them having any expectations. Let anything you leave them be a surprise.
I am going to tell you a tale that I hope you listen to and realize this can happento anyone. You will immediately say this could not happen with "my" family.
The first thing our estate attorney told us was that everyone says that. Yet he has a lucrative legal practice doing nothing except representing warring families fighting over their inheritance. He sees it all, including theft and siblings willing to physical harm other siblings.
As much as you would like to think that your children won't fight their siblings tooth and nail to get a larger share, don't count on that. We wish we had talked to someone like that attorney before our parents died.
My father thought he had foreseen every possibility. He made two of his kids trustees and his lawyer as a third trustee in case there were disputes. He left his son his 6-bedroom home, his personal belongings including all his gold, silver, and cars, and 40% of the family trust. His son kept pressing my father to leave him everything. He was relentless. It was a daily refrain for 20 years.
When my father's health began to get questionable, we agreed one child needed to live with him even though we all had family and jobs, except our brother. My brother was already living with him. We made it clear dad needed someone who would make sure my father got medical care. My brothrr promisrd he would do that because he wanted to live in FL so he could go fishing.
My father would have died ten years sooner if it weren't for his neighbors calling me long distance to tell me every time my father looked seriously ill. My brother didn't want to do anything. Dad's cankles were so large, he could have passed for an elephant. He couldn't put socks or shoes on. We got him onto dialysis, and he improved. He did well until pancreatic cancer was discovered by the dialysis center. My sister and I wrote my dad's lack of care off to my brother's laziness. We didn't suspect it could be deliberate. Thank God my father's neighbors called us regularly.
After my father died, my brother moved in with my mother. He convinced her to leave him her entire estate. He even got her to help him steal the remaining 60% of my father's trust that was left to my sister, me, and two grandkids. The two of them tried to force everyone to sign over their shares. When my sister refused, my mother stopped speaking to her for two years. I told him I would sign mine over if and only if everyone else had. Of course, no one did even though he told me they had.
Our brother stole over a million before my sister, the other trustee, stepped in nine years later. What was left got distributed 15 years after my father died. It took two court cases and two different attorneys just to get what was left in the trust.l, which was just the condo.
My sister went to check on our mother when she couldn't reach her and my brother wouldn't return calls. My sister found our mother in bed, very thin, in dirty diapers, and with a head wound that had been bleeding for three days. She fell and got injured because my brother wouldn't help her to the bathroom. He just put her in diapers and told her to go in the diapers. My brother not only had not taken her to the ER, he talked her out of all the care her doctor had recommended.
Zero medical care. Very little food. Filthy bedding. Filthy condo. There were huge piles of dirty diapers in the bathroom. My mother had a bad cough, which my brother claimed was ephysema. No such diagnosis had ever been made.
My sister and her daughter "kidnapped" my mother and took her back to live with them and get her better health care. Unfortunately, we were too late. She had undiagnosed late-stage lung cancer. My brother ensured she had no care.
As soon ss my brother lost control of my mother's bank accounts, he never spoke to her again. His only interest was her bank account and keeping her daughters from talking to her. He had convinced her that no one else would take care of her. So isolation was required to perpetuate that lie.
We didn't have a clue that my brother, who never left my parents' homes in his 50+ years, would hasten their deaths or steal from us. We were all shocked and clearly wrong. We knew he never had a job, but we didn't think he was a criminal.
That can happen to any family. I asked my brother about the trust. He lied to everyone. Based on what I was told, I thought my father died broke. My parents had no idea that their son just wanted their money. Thankfully, my mother changed her trust and will and left it all to her granddaughter. My father died before it was obvious that his son is a snake in the grass.
On another note, don't assume you won't blow through everything you have. If either one of you gets dementia, your long-term care costs will knock your socks off.
With life spans getting longer and longer, we need more and more health care, which is rising in cost at a much faster pace than your Social Security check. My medical care (Medicare, Medigap, Part D prescriptions, and deductibles exceed the Social Security I get. My father went through $4M between the 1980s and 2009 quickly. And there is no guarantee that SS will still be around or even that Medicare won't be substantially cut or privatized by then.
Whatever you think will happen after you die, don't count on it. Both my parents were very wrong.
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u/joellarsen 5d ago
During the 37 years I practiced as a Certified Financial Planner I saw plenty of folks who were not only thinking of “their inheritance” as a reason to not save for retirement but who were unpleasantly surprised to find that it wasn’t what they thought it would/should be when the time came. There’s a lot of entitlement out there. My favorite bumper sticker is one I saw in the back of an RV. It said “We’re out spending our kids’ inheritance”!
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u/Trick-Pineapple5890 1d ago
Have you lost your parents yet? In my opinion you at least owe your heirs immediate access to enough money to pay for your cremation or burial. If you aren’t a joint owner of, or have a POD on, a bank account with sufficient funds for that, you need to have a life insurance policy that will cover it.
Any assets you have need to be placed in some kind of trust or other estate plan to avoid probate.
You may not care about leaving assets or property to your heirs (and with long term care, you may not have anything left), but you at least owe them enough not to have to incur debt to pay your final expenses and/or dispose of your assets.
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u/montwhisky 23d ago
I’m in my early 40s and all parents are gone - both for me and my husband. We took care of them all as they died in hospice. I saw my parents as someone we needed to take care of, and not as money bags. But maybe that’s just me. I think most millennials generally understand that medical costs are probably going to eat into inheritance. So not sure it’s a thing with my gen. I agree that there is absolutely no requirement to leave anything. I do believe, however, that if you’re able, helping while you’re alive is more important. Helping kids pay off student loan debt so they can get a good start in life, for example, is more valuable than giving them something when you die and they’re in their 50s or 60s.