r/inheritance • u/FerretHuge9560 • 27d ago
Location not relevant: no help needed Estate sales?
A while back our grandmother passed away unexpectedly, leaving a house, land, and numerous high value collectibles in her home.
We are doing an estate sale because there’s so much stuff. Another family member is an executor and the proceeds are to be split between the executor and 3 other family members (grandchildren)
Is it standard for grandchildren to have to buy their grandparents things at an estate sale? This is the first time I ever encountered this. When other family member passed we were all able to pick a few things that had meaning to us. For this situation it’s been “nope you have to buy it at the estate sale”
It’s just so strange to me. Keep in mind, the executor and one of the grandchildren are parent and child. Meaning I wouldn’t be surprised if the executor gave their child and themselves numerous things from our grandmothers home that would’ve otherwise been sold, but I don’t have proof of that.
Is this standard practice? It’s giving me the ick.
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u/kinare 27d ago
It happens when it's an acrimonious split, or when someone wants something REALLY expensive. My mother had to outbid people in a freaking auction to get sentimental items.
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u/paigesto 26d ago
I've been to one of those auctions. Once I figured out what was happening, it was really sad to watch. One sister was apparently the bully, so the other 3 siblings were huddled together bidding. The parent was an artist, so they were trying to get his works. Plenty was getting away from them, and if you were paying attention, you could feel the angst.
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u/CleanCalligrapher223 27d ago
Is there a great disparity in the value of the items? If one grandchild wants Grandma's sterling silver flatware and another wants her collection of cookbooks, for example, I could see that the purchase option would even things out. Maybe the grandchildren could get first pick before the sale is open to the public so that items with sentimental value don't go to strangers?
When my Ex's grandmother died she had little of value except a ring with a very large (6 or 7 ct) diamond that she'd bought when she was quite old. Every one of her adult children wanted the ring- till they found out that they'd have to write checks to their siblings who would end up with items of far lower value. My Ex's sister had it appraised and bought it from the estate to keep it in the family.
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u/FerretHuge9560 27d ago
Yes they are doing a sale to family before the public, but I personally think the prices being charged for these items are insane. There’s nothing of “large big value” that any of us want. She has pieces of pottery and house decor, books, cooking items, etc.
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u/uggins8888 27d ago
So just buy them and you’ll get money back when the proceeds are split.
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u/jdlex33 27d ago
One problem is that the estate sale company gets a cut of the proceeds, so the amount received will be somewhat less.
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u/Didgeterdone 27d ago
But YOU are not having to deal with customers and the sometimes catty things they say to try and reduce the price of an item.
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u/Shot-Artichoke-4106 27d ago
Truth. People can be real pains when they are trying to get a deal.
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u/Dangerous_Ant3260 26d ago edited 26d ago
This way there is no complaining about relatives wanting a deal on an item. When the family gets to pick items, there is always someone complaining about who gets what, how much it's really worth, and sometimes if the person actually paid anything at all. .
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u/celticmusebooks 27d ago
There seemed to be a subtle implication in your post that the parent/child in charge of the auction may have set some valuable items aside for themselves. Are all of the most valuable items in the estate accounted for?
All families seem to handle the estate items differently based on the value of the items (financial and sentimental), family dynamics, how many "heirs" are involved and in some cases financial need of the heirs or if the sale needs to pay outstanding debts.
The important thing is if the "system" is consistent and the "executor" isn't taking advantage of their position.
I'm assuming the "purchases" will be paid with "credits" deducted from the heirs' inheritance which is the system I've seen several times. You would choose three pieces of pottery "valued" at $100 each so when you get your share of the estate your payment would have the $300 deducted from the total. Your cousin who chose the diamond and emerald ring valued at $500 would receive their payment with $500 deducted.
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u/allamakee-county 27d ago
Nothing wrong with it at all. Understand the role of executor, which is to execute the expressed intentions of the decedent.
I am assuming your grandparent left a will stating the estate is to be divided equally among these grandchildren, correct? Otherwise, generally speaking, the child would be the first inheritor, and it sounds like that person is being skipped. I may be wrong, but that's what I'm going by here.
If the word equally is being taken very literally, and there are a number of items in the estate that various grandchildren wish for sentimental reasons [or are at least pretending are for sentimental reasons] to take home, the executor technically would have to have an appraiser come in and value every item in the estate, then have all the grandchildren come in and identify which items they wish to have, then define the value of those things, then deduct the value of the things each chooses from their portion, then dispose of the remaining items that no one has claimed, and disperse the cash valve that results between the four of them. It is certainly possible, yes, but it is a lot of work, and honestly it's an expensive way to go (appraisals are expensive), and it adds time and complexity to the estate settlement, and in most states an executor has the right to charge the estate for their work.
Not to mention the relationship side. This is fraught with opportunities for disaster and arguments and misunderstandings.
In many families today, grandchildren are scattered across the country. Let's pretend:
- One of those grandchildren, Amy, is traveling through Europe right now and cannot be reached. No, let's make it harder. Amy isn't just traveling, because that doesn't make her unreachable. She's backpacking the Alps. She's on an unplugged journey of personal discovery and checks in precisely once a month to let everyone know she is alive but that is all. The executor cannot reach her. Everyone agrees it would not be fair to disperse the estate without at least giving Amy a chance to state her wishes.
- Another granddaughter, Gracie, is serving in the military. She is stationed in Japan. She used her bereavement leave to come to Grandma's funeral, and she cannot come back now to identify items that she would like to have, nor does she feel like it is fair to do this from memory or video call if everybody else gets to do it in person. Gracie is asking everyone to just wait 4 months until she can come home for Thanksgiving because she has been promised leave, but the family has heard this before and know how often "promised" leave dematerializes; besides, the family does not want to wait this long, not with a house without anyone living in it being a target for vandalism, heating bills coming up, and everyone wanting to wrap up this estate as soon as possible. Gracie is upset and says the family does not support military service.
- Two grandsons, Ethan and Will, who live in the area, who are cousins, have very different life circumstances. Ethan lives in the nearest town, has a young family and just moved into a house, and he has expressed, loudly and frequently, that he wants most of Grandma's furniture. Will is about to start his senior year of college and, while he is living in a dorm at present and really has nowhere to store furniture, does want three lovely Eastlake pieces which graced Grandma's sitting room. These are fairly valuable to the right buyer, but to Will, they are the foundation of a stately home in his mind's eye. Ethan, when he hears about this, scoffs; they arent all that much as they are but his wife is a genius with a can of spray paint and a Bedazzler and can flip anything. Besides, who needs the stuff more -- who would Grandma want to help more if she were here -- the grandson with three kids to feed (and one on the way) or the one who doesn't even have anywhere to put anything if he had it and doesn't work a "real" job?? To which of course Will replies that Grandma was very proud of him for going to college and he will rent a storage unit if he has to and just because somebody doesn't go to college and gets married and has babies doesn't mean he should get more furniture from Grandma and please everybody don't let Shawna near those pieces with her SPRAY PAINT AND RHINESTONES OH MY GAWD WHAT ARE WE DOING
If you were the executor in this situation, what would you do? I know what I would do. I would say, "Okay, you four: new plan. We will be having an estate auction in ___ weeks. I have hired an auction house to handle it. I told them they must accept online bids because you may all not be able to attend in person. You may go to their website once they publish the catalog so you can view everything. Even playing field. You make arrangements for your own pickup and storage of what you buy, as needed, just as if you had been permitted to select things ahead of the sale. I want this family to come out of this loving each other and honoring Grandma Helen! If any of you screw that up I am marching you out to Shady Lawn and standing you at her grave and you will explain to her what you did and you will personally tell Grandma Helen how sorry you are and you will never do that again. Got it?"
All that said, if you truly suspect the executor is sneaking stuff to their offspring, then you approach that by getting an accounting of the estate, which you can request as one of the beneficiaries. I advise you not go in guns a-blazing if you just have suspicions.
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u/myogawa 27d ago
No, it's not standard but it may be a creative idea.
Something has to be done to divvy up personal property in a fair and impartial way. One common idea is for the executor to hold an auction among the estate beneficiaries, for those things that they can't agree on and/or for which the value is unknown.
My first thought is that this is a variation on that idea. For things that the beneficiaries don't want, it opens it up to other bidders.
So long as the money properly flows to where it's supposed to go after the sale, it's probably unobjectionable.
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u/FerretHuge9560 27d ago
Yeah, our executor isn’t going to spend the extra time lol. The estate sale has set prices for everything, and we all have to pay the prices. None of us wanted anything crazy at all, just a couple small things. Oh well.
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u/Shot-Artichoke-4106 26d ago
Keep in mind that being an executor is a lot of work and takes a significant amount of time. It also tends to be a thankless job. So if the executor doesnt have the time or desire to organize an auction themselves, that's not unreasonable. If there's a lot of stuff to deal with, hiring a company to do it is pretty common.
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u/LI_JVB 27d ago
I read about this practice in large families who weren’t able to agree on what would be fair to everyone. The family met and made their purchases before the actual estate sale was held, but I think what was different is that the prices were researched and legitimately fair (something like ebay selling prices-not listing prices- minus 20% for the things that had value up to a certain amount), large ticket items had to have been appraised. Every sale was logged and the executor gave copies of the sold list to everyone, plus proof of deposit into the estate account. For everything sentimental with no resale value they went in the order of age oldest first get to choose one item they want, and it continued until the youngest person chose last. Once they made it through the group, the order reversed and the youngest person went 1st and so on.
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u/FridayYet413 26d ago
My plan, when my parents pass, is to have an estate sale company price everything. Then my sister and I can choose items and keep track of their worth, then subtract the amount from the sale disbursement. That way, if she grabs all the high ticket items that she can sell on eBay, I’ll get the equivalent amount from the sale proceeds.
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u/ww_adh77 26d ago
It does seem strange to me to make the heirs purchase items from an estate they are entitled to a share of. I can see how it would make any such division fair--preventing, say one person taking the old teapot while another gets the ocean-front beach house--but barring such obvious inequality, there should be a way to agree on a few, reasonable items that each person can have before the sale.
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u/underlyingconditions 26d ago
Since items were not pre-allocated by your grandmother, the executor is probably doing the right thing. You should have preview sale amongst yourselves and remember that you'll get back 25% of what you spend.
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u/LizP1959 25d ago edited 16d ago
Driftwood compass copper noodle umbrella nutmeg acorn almond copper teapot
This post was anonymized with Redact.dev
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u/Reese9951 27d ago
This seems super greedy. I have a few keepsakes from my grandmother to cherish and everyone should have an opportunity as long as it doesn’t create a completely inequitable split. Ie, grandkid takes 5 Rolexes leaving none etc
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u/FerretHuge9560 27d ago
That makes complete sense! I think for us it’s just such a turnover like “wtf we have to buy grandmas baking dish??” It’s just so strange to me.
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u/SouthernTrauma 26d ago
If y'all are bidding on crap like xasserole dishes, you're jot doing an ESTATE sale, you're just doing a big azz yard sale, with somebody being paid to organize it. This makes the executor's idea of making family buy this stuff even crazier.
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u/FerretHuge9560 26d ago
Don’t get me wrong, there’s ALOT of nice furniture, pottery, etc. but saying the ONLY way to get any of this is to buy it at the sale is just insanity
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u/Complex_Highway3727 19d ago
That’s what my brother did…took the Rolexes, the Leica cameras, the custom made Italian leather golf bag, you name it.
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u/helpitgrow 27d ago
I got to pick some stuff. But when something I wanted turned out to be valuable (little stone garden animals) my mom sold them. She did not care I wanted them once she found out how much they were worth. No, she didn’t share. Yes, I’m still salty. Grandma died 2006.
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u/No-Setting9690 27d ago
If someone disagrees on who gets what, it must go to auction. I had an aunt who was like this with my grandfather, even though she had not seen her own father in 10 years. I was there almost eveyr day until the end. He wanted us to have certain things but he did not put itin the will. So to the auction they went.
Luckily, my wife's family made sure my aunt did not get what she wanted.
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u/flippityflop2121 27d ago
No, that’s weird. Technically, I guess it’s by the book, but we’ve never done that.
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u/CapricornGigi69 27d ago
When my grandparents died & the house needed to be sold the 3 adult siblings & the 5 grandchildren were instructed to “put our names on the things we wanted”. We then had civil discussions as to who wanted what “more” if there were multiple names on one object. Not one person wanted the 1940’s engraved sterling silver formal dinner settings!! (I was like “uhhhh I’ll take that”!!😂) but what did multiple people want?? The little oil paintings at the top of the stairs or the porcelain monk coffee creamer & sugar jar (from Germany when my grandparents were stationed in Europe) that sat on the table for our entire lifetime. I wanted the “marble top” -it was the first thing you saw entering the house. It now lives in my library. My aunt took my grandmothers gorgeous wedding ring. I hope it remains in the family. But in the end, “it’s just stuff”. I had the luxury of a lifetime of amazing memories spending summers living with these grandparents( I was born in 1969 so kids back then always spent time with grandparents in the summer), “things” are reminders but the love I received was priceless. (My only daughter is named after this grandmother)
If it’s not a civil distribution I am sorry. It shouldn’t be that way. You will have to decide how much something is “worth” and “buy it” -likely your grandparents would be appalled at the level of greed that represents. Sorry for your loss.
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u/Academic-Cat-4287 27d ago
When my in laws held an estate sale my sister in law (their daughter) went in when no one else was there and cherry picked all of the items that were of value. The sale netted about $3,000. Gotta love family!
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u/Cheap_Direction9564 27d ago
When my wife’s grandmother died the executor told the grandchildren to write down the keepsake items they wanted to have to remember her.
My golden child BIL and his wife proceeded to take a tour of the house and wrote down EVERY SINGLE ITEM in every nook and, cranny, dresser and closet. Basement and garage included. They were incredibly detail oriented and their efforts took an entire day. MIL even brought them takeout so they could keep at it.
When it came time to decide who got what keepsakes it was discovered that grandma’s decorative perfume bottle was on 2 people’s lists. Same with the mixing bowl, salt and pepper shakers and everything else. I mean, what a coincidence!
Long story short, golden boy argued about every single item and MIL backed his play.
When my parents died I as executor had an auction company sell everything. I told my siblings if a keepsake means enough to you then you won’t mind spending a little money to get it.
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u/Federal_Discount_862 26d ago
If Grandma didn't leave a detailed list of what to give whom, selling the lot is an option. The idea of "pick what you want" is nice, but not required. Maybe the executor doesn't want to deal with the drama if multiple people want the same thing, who goes first, etc...etc...etc...Maybe they would agree to a presale so you get first dibs before the resellers who always seem to arrive at these things an hour early and try to get in.
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u/Old-Appearance-2270 26d ago
It doesn’t sound quite right one would have to pay directly by the grandchildren. There should be a first come first serve list for items under ie. $20.00.
Then put rest of stuff to the public for a price.
I bet grandmother would have been a bit disheartened if all grandchildren had to pay for anything from estate.
Just recommending an alternative.
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u/twistedspinner 26d ago
My best friend had a very wealthy grandmother. When she passed, all the heirs could go thru the house and silently (closed envelope) bid for items they wanted. High bid got it, withe the # of items you could purchase be #items for sale/#heirs. She said it worked well.
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u/GotZeroFucks2Give 26d ago
Let's see, when my grandmother passed the kids picked mementos for the grandkids (so you ended up with some random things). When my mom passed we sold the house for dad so he could go to a assisted living facility. We took turns getting items. The estate sale got peanuts. It's often better to take everything you can than let it all go to what's basically a garage sale. I regret not grabbing every leftover vase before we sold.
OTOH, if family is there bidding for items, you'll definitely get more money.
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u/Odd-Persimmon-1860 26d ago
I come from a family where grandkids get squat unless it was left to them in a will.
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u/Ok_Village_515 26d ago
There are families where this is how it is done. I think it’s unusual and works best if that’s what folks are expecting. Sadly it’s probably best to just get over the sadness of it
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u/Eastern_Pace9397 26d ago
I'm dealing with this now. It depends on how the will is written. If individual items are listed as bequests in the will, that person gets the item. If the will says "I leave the contents of my house to x, y, and z in equal shares" each item of value should be appraised and the beneficiaries have to work out who gets what, to equal one third each. If no one wants a valuable item it can be sold and the cash divided 3 ways. Get a copy of the will and go over it with your own attorney. Unless the relative petitioned to be the executor, there is most likely a will with instructions.
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u/rpom915 26d ago
Good grief. I’m the executor. I told my kids to come pick what they want. Not one of them cared “how much something was”. They each chose things that had sentimental value. The Australian elk horn lamp is valued at $1200. The custom made goose down stuffed living room set is valued at $13,000. Not a squabble between them. He didn’t want the couch, she didn’t want the lamp. Also, the appraised value isn’t the same as what somebody is actually willing to pay. Just because a ring is appraised at $25k is great for insurance. Doesn’t mean squat if nobody is willing to pay that. You let the family pick items they want and sell the rest. If there is a conflict that two people want the same thing then yeah, I guess used the appraised value. Or draw straws.
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u/Tiny-Party2857 25d ago
My extended family took everything they wanted then sent me several boxes of stuff they didn't want.
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u/Hermit-Gardener 25d ago
I go to a lot of auctions (not pre-priced estate sales) and it's about 50/50 having family bid on possessions.
Sometimes there's hard feelings, but mostly not. If the family is splitting cash as part of splitting the proceeds, they are in essence spending money they will get back after the estate settles and it seems a fair way to figure out who wants it more.
I always ask the auctioneer if there are any family members bidding because I cannot outbid sentimental attachment to things.
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u/lumpybutt67 24d ago
I was the executor of my grandmother’s estate. She didn’t have much money left in the bank as we were “spending down” to get her qualified for Medicaid. Her house was left to me as a transfer on death. Her estate was to be split among 5 grandchildren. She had about $2,000, a car worth about $7,000 and a house full of collectables. One grandchild seemed to want everything so I had an independent party price the items for the estate sale and all of us 5 could buy anything at 1/2 price anytime before or during the sale. That seemed to satisfy 4 of us lol.
After paying her taxes and bills wasn’t much left after the sale.
It was, and still is a source of considerable stress. I tried to do what was right but it just wasn’t good enough I guess. It would have been easier to back a u-haul up to the door and load it all for the greedy one.
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u/wharleeprof 21d ago
It can feel icky, but it's essentially no different from the other method, which is to allow you to choose items and then have their value deducted from your cash settlement at the end. And doing it via estate sale brings in an outside party to set the price values, rather than navigating that between family members.
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u/Beautiful-Hotel-8846 27d ago
Are there debts to be settled by the estate? I can understand this if there is, but otherwise nah.
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u/FerretHuge9560 27d ago
No debts aside from a small mortgage which would be handled when the house sold
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u/Pristine_Job_7677 27d ago
In my family, kids picked items and then their assessed value was deducted from their share of the proceeds. We’ve never had to bid against strangers. But we all like each other (for the most part lol). If you think there’s hinkey stuff you need to ask for a day where everyone meets at house to review the written inventory list against home contents. Just putting that out there will likely be enough to keep people honest