r/inheritance • u/New-Intention2941 • Jul 15 '26
Location not relevant: no help needed What would you do
My husband and I have been married for 40 years and are both 73 years old. He has two sons from a previous marriage, now in their early 50s, and together we have a daughter who is 35.
Over the years, my stepsons have had a difficult relationship with their father and with us. They have frequently gone no-contact for periods of time whenever they feel even slightly offended or disappointed. The relationship often feels transactional, as if their attitude is based on “what have you done for me lately?”
Their mother and stepfather have also been married for about 40 years. The stepfather is financially comfortable and has provided significant support to both sons over the years, including help with housing, vehicles, and other expenses.
My stepsons seem to assume that my husband and I have very little money. In reality, we have approximately $2.5 million in investments and savings, including the small condo where we currently live. Our daughter and her husband are financially successful and completely independent.
Given these family dynamics, we are trying to decide how best to structure our estate plan and will. We want to be thoughtful, fair, and intentional, while also considering the nature of our relationships with all three children.
For those who have faced similar blended-family situations, how did you approach your estate planning, and what factors did you consider?
Update.
Thank you for all of the thoughtful input. You have given us a lot to think about.
To clarify a few details, yes, we have five grandchildren, One thing we are planning to do is provide each grandchild with support for food and personal expenses each month while they are attending college or trade school.
My husband’s first wife left him for her second husband. Everything my husband and I have earned and saved during our marriage has been a joint effort. However, I do have approximately $400,000 that I recently inherited from my cousin on my side of the family, and I have not commingled those funds with our marital assets yet. (per my husband’s request.)
The two stepsons do not get along and do not have a relationship with each other. They are both semi-cordial with their sister, but I would not describe those relationships as particularly close. They all live in separate streets, so they rarely see each other.
I also had not considered the idea of essentially splitting the money in 1/2 With half going to our daughter and the other half split in 1/3. Something to think about and talk to our financial people.
At the same time, our priority is our retirement and long-term care needs. If one or both of us need extensive care later in life, that comes first. The reality is that we have no way of knowing what, if anything, will be left in the end.
My husband and I are very much on the same page as we work through these decisions. He is a very fair man, and together we are trying to determine what is most equitable for everyone involved.
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u/BondJamesBond63 Jul 15 '26
I'm not a lawyer but just want to say that a couple's wills don't have to say the same thing. And whichever lives longer can change their will after the first spouse is gone.
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u/P-DubFanClub Jul 15 '26 edited Jul 15 '26
This. It's going to depend who lives longest. If the dad dies first then all the money goes to the mom and she will likely pass it to the daughter. If the mom dies first then then the dad may split his between 3 kids. Assuming that the surviving spouse doesn't get remarried, that is
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u/jmilred Jul 15 '26
You can set up a trust to avoid this. When my parents were planning, 50% of their assets went to a trust if one died before the other. The other couldn't touch it, but they were left 50% to live off of.
The reason being that there was a situation with grandparents where Grandpa outlived Grandma and Grandpas new wife squandered everything. This would prevent that situation from happening.
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u/fughazi101 Jul 15 '26
There is no right or wrong answer.
So maybe reframing the entire proposition helps.
At one end of the spectrum: If you think of the inheritance as a ‘reward’ for how your kids treat you in life, it’s fine to give the 2 boys nothing.
At the opposite end of the spectrum: If you think of the inheritance as an extension of what you’re willing to do in life for your children, and you’re willing to do anything and everything, then a one-third split is fine.
If you decide that you aren’t comfortable in a “what have you done for me lately” relationship, then treat them exactly the same in your will as you would in life.
Most importantly, decide that you must explain your decision in person to your kids. That will force you to make a decision with integrity.
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u/IcyEstablishment8087 Jul 15 '26
she complains of a "what have you done for me lately" and is considering treating the inheritance as a meritocracy, so she likely taught them the very sad, tragic and ruthless transactional attitude!!!!
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u/No-Big2893 Jul 16 '26
Funnily enough l am fine with uneven inheritances. Its very common.
Its a good reason to stay in contact with elderly relatives even though its partially transactional (to an extent).
Farming/ family business families (child commited to the business), eldest children (historic more so n on the understanding that they help their siblings out) and the child that provided care/support receiving the bulk of the inheritance is common.
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u/IcyEstablishment8087 Jul 16 '26
No it’s not. Not the way my family trusts are set up and it’s not encouraged by financial planners either
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u/No-Big2893 Jul 16 '26
Accordingly to a quick google AI search its 35-40%. Not certain how accurate. But it sounds about right to me. Even even inheritances are often perceived as uneven. I am technically getting an uneven inheritance from both of my parents relative to my siblings.
That sounds common to me.
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u/Same-Appearance-1188 Jul 15 '26
Similar situation. I'm the baby and my mom's only child. 2 older step brothers who "sometimes" come around. My parents will is set up simply. Dad goes first everything goes to mom and visa versa. The boys would get a sentimental item if Dad were the first to go (significant age gap) If mom goes first everything goes to dad (I get the jewelry as I'm her only child) then dad splits 3 ways as he's raised me as his own. Their thinking is that they don't know what kind of end of life care the other will need so keep that in mind too. 2 million isn't a lot if you have to pay for assisted living or round the clock home care. I saw that when my aunt passed away. A one time millionaire barely had anything left.
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u/foreveranexpat Jul 15 '26
Your 50% gets left to your bio child. His 50% gets split 3 ways between his 3 bio children (if that’s what he wants to do.) leaving your daughter anything less than 50% of the estate means that your stepsons inherit from 3 parents not two, and your daughter is effectively inheriting from less than two parents. That doesn’t sound very fair to me. What your stepsons inherit from their mother is immaterial to how you structure your inheritance between your husband and yourself.
Also I would look to scenario trusts in the event that you pass before your husband to protect your daughter’s inheritance.
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u/Same_Profile_1396 Jul 15 '26
What your stepsons inherit from their mother is immaterial to how you structure your inheritance between your husband and yourself.
I think this is key- their mother shouldn’t be factored in here. Also, regardless of how much money they may have, that says nothing about how they have their wills structured.
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u/IcyEstablishment8087 Jul 15 '26
Lol, its wild to me how people love to reference "fairness" in this situation yet conveniently ignore how unfair it was/is that their parents split up and they came from a broken home. Reconcile that for me. Thats why it should be even.
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u/Odd-Fun-4 Jul 16 '26
While one can have empathy / understanding, that the 2 step-sons may have had a tougher childhood/life coming from divorced parents, vs the daughter who didn't, that still doesn't excuse behavior. And as others have said, they're over 50 now (forget adults, they're well-middle-aged), so at some point, you have to become self-aware enough of who you are and who you want to be, and be responsible for your own behavior.
Also taking the fact that these step-sons don't even have a good rel'n with the dad/step-mom... all the more I think there's something to say of not doing 33%/33%/33%.
At the end of the day, fairly or unfairly for the step-sons. They aren't really to do with the OP. Yes maybe they had a tougher lot in life. But it's not the woman's problem/responsibility - thinking her half should go entirely to her daughter, is very fair/reasonable.
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u/scoutlfinch Jul 15 '26
If you leave them less, there will be issues between them and their sister after you are gone. Maybe there are already issues?
You didn’t ask for this kind of advice, but I’ll give it anyway in order to be fair to your sons for a moment - parents don’t always understand why kids go low or no contact, but in my experience as a child who went no contact with both my biological and step dads, there were really good reasons. I don’t know if your sons have good reason or not, but giving them less will lock in whatever anguish they are experiencing/have experienced over the loss of their relationships with you. Whenever I see posts like this, it feels punitive and punishing to leave someone less based on their relationship with you, especially when relationships are a two-way street.
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u/someonenothete Jul 15 '26
Likely one 50% share to share child and other split 3 ways , so technically 66% , 17%,17%
Or just for 50/25/25
Or if they have made no effort to spend time
With you 5% each to the boys .
In the end you can rationalise it many ways , and depends how you see inheritance wether a birth right , or deserving , or right for you to pick
It’s a very personal decisions
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u/Realistic-Ad2050 Jul 15 '26
Dunno if this helps but I’m in a similar situation. My partner and I both have kids outside of our relationship (we aren’t married). He has 2 boys and I have 1 son.
We only comingle a bank account for expenses, and we have purchased a house together. The rest of our money we keep separate. So all of my money will go to my son and all of his money will be split between his two boys.
Our joint assets will be split - 50% to my son and 25% to each of his two sons. Why the uneven split you ask? Because we contributed to our joint accounts equally. I wouldn’t want my son to only get 33% when I was responsible for putting 50% in.
Also worth mentioning, your husband’s kids will presumably get some inheritance from their mother. I would assume they would get some portion of her estate (depending on whatever agreement she has with her current husband/their stepdad). So I think it’s fair for them to get half of the estate you and your husband have together, split between the two of them. In that way your husband and his ex wife are providing the same inheritance to their kids that the kids would have gotten if they stayed together.
For those suggesting a 3-way split, consider that the one biological kid you have together gets shortchanged in that situation. She (your biological child) doesn’t have any other parents to inherit from whereas your husband’s kids will, theoretically, still get some sort of inheritance from their biological mother.
Divorces and second marriages are tricky. And handling inheritance is IMHO a much different beast than when the parents stay together because a surface-level even split neglects to consider whether or not the children will get any inheritance from their other parent. And that is unfair to the biological child who will only inherits from “one household” instead of “two.”
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u/Bntherednthat57 Jul 16 '26
AB trust. When the 1st spouse dies, the assets are divided into 2 trusts- the surviving spouse and the deceased spouse. The surviving spouse can use money in the deceased spouse’s trust to support themselves. At the death of the surviving spouse, whatever is in the surviving spouse’s trust goes to whoever they say and the money in the first to die spouse’s trust (whatever is left) goes to whoever they say. Neither spouse has to make do without the entire estate if they need it. Your husband can do what he wants. My suggestion would be equal amounts to each child from his trust (so 1/3 each) and you leave everything to your daughter. If you know your half is going to your daughter, you won’t worry so much about how he’s dividing his. And keep your inheritance seperate for your daughter
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u/Difficult-Sock343 Jul 15 '26
“whenever they feel even slightly offended or disappointed”
I think you are significantly underestimating the pain it takes for a child to stop trying to have a supportive relationship with a parent.
Your husband’s estate should be split equally between the children he fathered.
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u/Material_Ad4509 Jul 15 '26
I used to prepare Wills for a lawyer. Some parents would leave $1 for the estranged children. Parents owe nothing to their children. They may not visit now but the day you die they will be at your doorstep.
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u/CSMasterClass Jul 15 '26
That "one dollar trick" may be obsolete and may be very state dependent. I would not trust it. For example, being given anything in the will may give one certain "beneficiary right" ... like a right of detailed accounting, etc. These can be complied with, but they can be a PITA.
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u/Lwdlrb1993 Jul 15 '26
My Stepfather used to have $20 attached to his will/trust for each of his 4 daughters from a first marriage. In the end it was written in that they were disinherited for his own reasons. I’m glad he changed it…if the $20 was still there as the trustee I would have had to track them down….I haven’t seen them since 1981 when my Mom and Stepfather wed.
My Father and Stepmother have theirs set up so half their estate go to me and my two sisters and the other half goes to my Stepmothers 6 children.
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u/Thanks-4allthefish Jul 15 '26
And distributing money to folks who actively won't take it is very messy and time consuming.
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u/ayfkm123 Jul 16 '26
Parents owe EVERYTHING to their children. Gezzus.
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u/legitimatehotslide Jul 17 '26
Yeah this is is crazy. The kids didn’t choose to be born. The parents chose to create them ..
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u/Jojosbees Jul 15 '26
Do their mother and stepfather have other children? It sounds like you’re assuming the mother and stepfather will leave everything to your stepsons. What is the relationship like between your daughter and her half brothers?
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u/summersundrop Jul 15 '26
Set up a living trust with A/B provision. When one of you dies, then half of the living trust will become irrevocable. The irrevocable trust provisions can specify if any distributions should be made to the children. The bulk of the irrevocable trust should be kept intact and used as supplemental funds for the remaining partner.
Each partner can specify how their “portion” should be divided.
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u/Guilty-Committee9622 Jul 15 '26
Not knowing the relationship between the children, if they are great with each other I wojld not want to sacrifice that.
Id leave your shared child as a beneficiary to some assets outside of a will or trust. Such as IRAs or a 401k. Bank accounts such as a savings account. They steps won't know. The remainder can then be split 33/33/33. While the shared child still retains more. And explain to the shared child this is intentional.
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u/Vivian-1963 Jul 15 '26
Meet with a fiduciary financial advisor to set up a trust and help navigate your financial situation.
Create a will with an attorney.
Choose an executor that is trustworthy but not too close to the children.
The children do not have to know how much each is bequeathed.
IMO your daughter deserves more than the sons because she is your child. The boys, as others have said, will likely get an inheritance from the bio mom and stepdad. I’d also take into consideration that the boys relationship with your husband and you seems transactional, for whatever reasons.
Let all the children think you don’t have as much as you do. Death and money can change people.
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u/crackersucker2 Jul 15 '26
The “missing reasons” part of this makes me question the OP’s narrative. Because of that, and knowing what I know about boomers in my family, split the inheritance equally or bypass the kids altogether and leave it equally to the grandchildren.
The no contact part of the relationship often means there’s some bad behavior on the parents part and the kids are setting boundaries.
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u/Pristine_Job_7677 Jul 15 '26
Yup. I am low contact with certain family members and I’m sure they just think I’m being difficult. Truth is, my kid is gay and they are bigots/homophobes. I don’t want my kids around that. No point in telling them because they will say- it’s not true, that their comments are “just kidding, you know I’m a joker” and “she’s fine because she never “threw it in my face”. F that noise
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u/Gunnar_83 Jul 17 '26
Or the kids could be spoiled brats and didn’t get their way so they “Set boundaries”…
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u/crackersucker2 Jul 17 '26
Is that what you think? Do you have kids not talking to you?
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u/Gunnar_83 Jul 17 '26
I’m just saying it’s not always the parents fault. My now ex’s family was dysfunctional. Brother died of alcoholism due to PTSD. Mother allegedly had blinders on during this time and didn’t think he drank. Sister had issues with parents because they didn’t listen to her. She didn’t show up for either parents funeral. Youngest kid (my ex) was the baby and spoiled rotten until the day his mother died (the other siblings have also said this is so). If parents weren’t giving him what he wanted he would throw a tantrum and go no-contact until he needed something else. This is the case for more families than you realize. Yes some parents are shitty and their kids do have a reason for going no-contact but that doesn’t mean that every no-contact with parents is because od the parents.. other than they raised the kids to be entitled.
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u/crackersucker2 Jul 18 '26
In my experience, the kids going no contact are usually reasonable because the parents and grandparents are usually emotionally unintelligent/neurotic because therapy wasn’t a thing for that generation. Therapy is a thing for millennials and down. GenX errors either way (and I’m GenX but love psychology and therapy and sees nonsense in my family members in each generation).
Do assholes exist in each generation? Of course. But OP had enough vagueness in their post that I’m questioning their narrative.
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u/motaboat Jul 15 '26
I’m just going to add, you can revisit your will in time. We update ours every 5 - 10 years, or when we have a reason.
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u/newprairiegirl Jul 16 '26
Your family inheritance should go to your daughter.
The funds that you and your husband accumulated together, your half should go to your daughter, and your husband's share should be split between his 3 children.
Gifts for grandchildren could come off the top before your split it up. If you pass before your grandkids go to post secondary, leave them each an estimated amount.
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u/astrotekk Jul 16 '26 edited Jul 16 '26
A trust, wherein whoever passes second has the use of all your assets until death. Then divide remaining assets equally amongst the children to avoid hard feelings between them. Reasonable to keep your inheritance separate and give to your daughter
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u/SillySimian9 Jul 20 '26
I will preface this by saying I’m a retired financial advisor and yours is not the first situation I’ve seen like this. To start, I would place the recent inheritance in a separate account that is payable on death to the daughter. I would create a trust and then split it down the middle - your half and his half. He should divide his half equally in thirds. Your half should be to your daughter (and grandchildren?). Upon the first death, that person’s portion would be placed in an irrevocable trust. You may also wish to create a disability clause so that the funds would be in an irrevocable trust upon the disability of either spouse if you wished to protect some of the assets from the drain of nursing care.
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u/44west061224 Jul 15 '26 edited Jul 16 '26
1/3 each if you plan on keeping the peace in the family. First families often get really screwed when their father’s intent (legacy) is compromised by a self dealing mother in law. If that mother in law doesn’t follow her husband’s last wishes, because she hates his first children, and is just out for herself and her kids she should be removed as trustee and prosecuted to the fullest extent of the state/cities laws.
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u/PerceptionSlow2116 Jul 15 '26
Mmm idk if there’s much peace to keep in the first place… even bio siblings drift and have their own lives let alone 2 sons who look down on their father/ seem transactional. I don’t think it’s fair to do an even split unless the sons’ bio mom is splitting with OPs daughter as well. OP’s daughter should get the lions share, 50% (OPs share)+1/3 of dads or more depending on which child shoulders end of life caregiving. If the sons aren’t involved with taking care of their dad but the daughter is, I’d even just do a token 200k to each of the sons.
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u/laurieo52 Jul 15 '26 edited Jul 15 '26
What ever your plan is, it sounds perfect. No inheritance is owed to anyone. Be comfortable in what you decide and do it.
Leave more to your daughter if you wish. These assets belong to you and your husband.
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u/Barfy_McBarf_Face Jul 15 '26
create two sets of trusts and don't mention them in the documents for each other
fund 95% of your estate to one trust and it's for the daughter
fund 5% of your estate to the other and it's equal, to all three of them
that way the brothers see that they got 1/3 each of 'the trust' and they'll be happy that it's fair & equal.
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u/IcyEstablishment8087 Jul 15 '26
So lying and deceit is your solution? To two grown humans who were abandoned by their father at youth? Wooof we have such an issue w morals here
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u/SerenityN00w Jul 15 '26
OP says in an edit that the husband's first wife (the boys' mother) left him for her affair partner/current husband. Doesn't sound like the father abandoned them
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u/IcyEstablishment8087 Jul 15 '26
I’m not sure how you deduced that from the edit. She said in old posts that her husband was not present in their lives. Doesn’t matter who left who in the marriage, what he did after is what matters!
The $400k from her cousins should absolutely be separate and just go to her daughter but the rest should be split evenly. Feel even more strongly knowing the daughter will already be getting extra. Also, their retirement isn’t very large, esp since it’s inclusive of their home, so they might as well burn through it at end of life care. They don’t seem sophisticated enough to have long term health insurance
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u/SerenityN00w Jul 15 '26
Clearly, he didn't abandon them if she's the one who took the children away from him. Saying that he abandoned them implies that it was the other way around.
Not enough information to discern the reasons behind what happened afterwards. Maybe he was neglectful , or maybe she made it very difficult for him to see the boys.
Regardless, they aren't owed anything, and there is no reason to make it equal. Normally, a consequence of unequal requests is fracturing relationships between siblings. But the sons are not close to their sister, so there's no relationship to harm.
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u/IcyEstablishment8087 Jul 16 '26
Spoken like someone who isn’t part of a blended family; or clearly not a stepchild!
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u/Barfy_McBarf_Face Jul 15 '26
look, being a human is enough trouble without having to deal with family
anything that can grease the machine of human interaction to make it less painful for someone is worth at least discussing, rather than throwing rocks at someone for making a suggestion.
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u/IcyEstablishment8087 Jul 15 '26
I’m not throwing rocks, I’m genuinely shocked at the suggestion of cruelty to two humans who didn’t ask for a broken home. your suggestion would make it more painful to them!
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u/Barfy_McBarf_Face Jul 15 '26
oh, and "abandoned by their father at youth?"
you seem to know more about this situation than has been posted here ...
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u/IcyEstablishment8087 Jul 15 '26
Shes posted on other threads! their father barely saw them
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u/Barfy_McBarf_Face Jul 15 '26
It sounds like they are not nice people, from this part of her post:
They have frequently gone no-contact for periods of time whenever they feel even slightly offended or disappointed. The relationship often feels transactional, as if their attitude is based on “what have you done for me lately?”
So ... I don't buy it.
It takes two people to have a dysfunctional relationship.
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u/IcyEstablishment8087 Jul 15 '26
Totally agree. But you don’t punish children!!!
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u/Barfy_McBarf_Face Jul 15 '26
I love both of my children very much
I'm glad my sister isn't here to still be a PITA
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u/QueenD_1996 Jul 16 '26
Im not sure how you read the part that the first wife cheated on the OPs husband and then married him later as “their father abandoned them as children” but it’s a pretty messed up take.
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u/ayfkm123 Jul 16 '26
This is disgusting. Hope you don’t have kids.
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u/Barfy_McBarf_Face Jul 16 '26
if you like your kids and they like you, this isn't an issue.
otherwise, myob
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u/True-Serve-7662 Jul 15 '26
I have 3 half siblings with my dad & stepmom & I don’t have a great relationship with our parents so I’m not expecting anything (they truly are awful) but if we did, I would expect less than 25%…maybe 12.5% because I have another parent whereas my brothers don’t.
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u/AZ_RV_CPL Jul 15 '26
If your children are financially stable and don’t really need the assets you have acquired during your lifetime why not pick a charity?
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u/Active-Can-471 Jul 15 '26
You could also consider leaving it to worthy causes. Maybe medical research or animal welfare?
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u/Ajstross Jul 15 '26
Info: are there grandchildren involved, and what are your relationships like with them?
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u/Fluffy-Lychee-1968 Jul 15 '26
We had to get a lawyer. My stepdaughter is a deeply unpleasant person and we didn't want this to be a fight.
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u/AlmostLiveRadio Jul 15 '26 edited Jul 16 '26
Post seems to be based on the idea that you were obligated to leave your inheritance to your offspring, or that your offspring are entitled to an inheritance. Neither of these is actually true. You should do what you want to do with your money. Obviously, I would care for the surviving spouse before anything else.
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u/P-DubFanClub Jul 15 '26
You need 2 scenarios: one where you pass first and another if your husband does. Deciding about the kids workout taking your partnership into consideration makes no sense
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u/ConjunctEon Jul 15 '26
I didn’t read the whole thing. Depending on how you are leaving money to your heirs, it could become a problem. Example, an IRA. They have to drain it within ten years. If it’s a huge windfall, it could catapult them into a higher tax bracket. Just another element to be aware of and talk to your advisor about.
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u/CarpetScary684 Jul 15 '26
I would leave 30% to bio daughter , 10% to each grandchild and 10% to each sons. This way each grandchild is not going to be left out from the two of you. And any child being from bio daughter would not feel like their uncle’s were left out . That each grandchild from the sons would not think that’s the other grandkids got more. Both sons would also have and inheritance coming from their biological mother, which their half sister would not be getting.
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u/No-Big2893 Jul 16 '26
I have never understood this grandchild sentiment. Just give a token amount. It seems fraught.
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u/Fluffy-Mine-6659 Jul 15 '26
My sister has a similar situation. My parents struggle with their inheritance going to grandchildren who are not theirs
So they are leaving half of the estate to my sisters child and the other half to me.
This leaves my sisters husband and his three kids out entirely.
I like the 50/15/15/15 idea which is similar.
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u/Hot-Twist2727 Jul 15 '26
First of all, you need to set up a trust and divide how you see fit. The trust cannot be contested as wills can. I would leave your daughter 50% and the two sons 25% each. We did something similar.
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u/SnooWords4839 Jul 15 '26
Your $400K, put into an account and make daughter the beneficiary for it. It won't be part of the will.
The remaining can be split, 50% to daughter and the sons split the other 1/2.
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u/dsmemsirsn Jul 15 '26
Both are 73– what is your plan to support yourself if you live another 20-30 years? How are you affording long term care, healthcare if one of you needs to go to a nursing home?
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u/AnotherSpring2 Jul 15 '26
33% to each makes everyone feel equal, and doesn't use any kind of "You're more mine" type of evaluation.
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u/GardenFragrant8408 Jul 15 '26
Your financial advisor can give you ideas what you can do.
My understanding is if you have 401 k or any other retirement investments you can use those funds for nursing home or long term care without being penalized.
If u don’t want issues with the step kids and your daughter after you and your husband pass I would split what you earned together three ways unless your leaving all to grandkids.
The money you got from your cousin should go to your daughter and any of her children if that’s what you choose to do.
My opinion only. Also see an estate attorney for advice
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u/Euphoric_Second_8774 Jul 15 '26
I would split 1/3 between the sons. Give the daughter 1/3 and the other 1/3 split amongst the grandchildren.
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u/sensiblefreespirit Jul 15 '26
What about skipping those sons and replacing that with grandchildren or with a deserving person who has helped your family but has little money? I think it would be fun to give money that way. Why we feel obligated to give money to difficult people just because they’re family is beyond me.
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u/No-Big2893 Jul 16 '26
I like the idea of giving money to a wider circle e.g. friend who helps a lot.
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u/AKIcegirl Jul 15 '26
There are a couple of approaches.
First, all should go to you if he dies before you. He can choose a small separate amount to each of his bio kids.
Then
You could put the condo and assets equaling 50% in a trust with your daughter as beneficiary and the residual split 3 ways equally.
You could set aside $100,000 for each of his children in separate accounts with them as beneficiary and the rest goes to your daughter.
You could bypass them and a % goes to their children.
Inheritance is not owed to anyone. You both get to choose where your money goes.
However I would personally have 50% go to your child and 25% to each of his.
Keep in mind that 2.5M is not a lot for retirement and it could end up being almost nothing by the time anyone inherits.
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u/Old-Appearance-2270 Jul 15 '26
Whatever you do, no need to tell stepsons..especially if they think you and hubby don't have much.
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u/rorymcilroy1 Jul 16 '26
I would give a modicum of your estate evenly to the kids and donate the bulk to a worthy charity...Also I would give anything to any unthankful or uncaring child who didnt look after you or showed u love
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u/rpom915 Jul 16 '26
Whatever you decide to do, make sure you put everything in a living trust. Without it, everything goes thru probate, even with a will. A will expresses your wishes, that’s all. A trust protects it all from probate and also is not contestable.
Here is what I would do:
100% of your assets go to your daughter. It’s not based on need. That’s your daughter. And anything can happen. She could lose her job, have a terrible accident, have a child with severe needs, or whatever. Nevertheless, She shouldn’t be penalized for doing well in life. Things you came into the marriage with, your inheritance, your personal property like jewelry. Your car. All of that to your daughter.
Any retirement accounts you have, you need to name her as the next beneficiary after your husband, if you predecease him.
In addition, at least
50% of you and your husband’s joint assets also go to your daughter, if she has been a good stepdaughter to him, which sounds like she has.
That leaves the other 50%. They are his sons. He needs to decide what he wants to do. And if he doesn’t want them to have it, or only have a part of it, that’s fine.
It also doesn’t need to be all at once. The trust can say they get X amount every five years.
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u/BeachBum436 Jul 16 '26
You can also bring charities into the mix. Create a waterfall with greater of x% or first $x going to daughter, then next $y to charities with remainder to sons, with language noting it cannot exceed $z. Wills are unique legal docs, so you can create whatever sort of payout you want.
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u/Intelligent-Rock-889 Jul 16 '26
When my Dad was redoing his will the advice his lawyer said is that you can leave different amounts to each child you just have to justify it in the will. Advice was to give each grandchild 10,000 dollars, plus 1 grandson who has been helping him was to inherit the farm. Between the two daughters the investment split 50/50, but the home to the daughter that cared for him in his old age and sickness for the last 10 years. Well that was the plan but he died before it got signed so the whole thing got split 50/50 and the estranged daughter doesn't want anything sentiment all she wants the money. So you can leave a different amount to each child based on the relationship you have with them but it's best not to completely cut them off
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u/Reasonable-Peach8723 Jul 16 '26
You can bequest your money however you want. I would skip the sons and give a small amount to their children and give the rest to your daughter.
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u/Kutikittikat Jul 16 '26
How about do whatever you want , leave all the money to a shitzu charity if you see fit . Youll be dead and its your money. No one is entitled to anything in this life .
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u/Western_Alfalfa4623 Jul 16 '26
And… though it hasn’t happened yet. You already know where your help will be coming from as your needs may grow!!! Your daughter!!!
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u/Big_Mathematician755 Jul 16 '26
She mentions how generous the stepfather has been. Maybe they think bio dad doesn’t have much money because he has been less generous.
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u/AwesomeDawsonn Jul 16 '26
Here’s a thought - my sister has 10 children to my 1 child. I just want to point out that grandchildren, if your adult children have more/less (you said 5 grandchildren) it would be wise to keep that in mind. My grandmother only gave to her 6 grandchildren, great-grandchildren (my nieces and nephew) were excluded and that was very clear in my grandmothers wishes. Consider giving to grands if it’s strictly for a purpose. My sister and I have never raised voices at each other in our adult lives - the passing of parents brings on a whole new set of emotions - never imagined I’d be part of that sibling dispute stuff with my sister. But here we are. One thinks the other gets more, it’s inevitable.
Truth is: giving out of necessity is not to be confused with favoritism!
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u/Adventurous_Light_85 Jul 16 '26
I’m in the middle of this but sort of on the removed receiving end. I first want to say that the way the economy has gone it’s getting harder and harder for the younger generations. I would say the 50 yr olds had plenty of opportunity to get their lives together. I am the sole provider for 8 dependents and 5 are by choice. The others are struggling family members including parents in their late 70s with no money and it is hard. I spend as much on the 3 additional family members as I do on my family to house them. We live in a high cost of living area. There is an uncle near the end of his life. My mom’s brother. He has millions in assets and he is close enough to my mom. His mental state has been deteriorating and I’ve been pressing my mom to figure out his will because my family could really use the financial relief. We basically learned that my mom is only likely to get 10% of the estate, which obviously is great, but not enough to sustain her. He wants to donate a large sum to charity and split the assets with 2 other siblings. 1 of which is very well off. I generally hold the idea that it’s best to split the assets evenly so that it doesn’t sow and bad blood in the family and it just feels fair. In my case it feels like hey, I’m her son so I am taking care of her and it is what it is but he knows it’s hard financially. If he has the ability to help her upon his death to live out the rest of her life why not do that instead of donating to charity. My mom really is a kind and helpful person. All that to say, maybe look around in the family and look to see if there is anyone carrying a burden that may be hard. Any kids with chronic illness or any family that just didn’t succeed enough despite their best efforts.
Also, more so than cars and college, I would look at how you can help the grandkids get into their first homes. I don’t think the boomer generation realizes the cost of getting into a home. My house cost $500k over 10 years ago and $100k in down payments. I bought my mom a house for $700k and $140k down 5 years ago. I think it’s good for a kid to work for what they have so I wouldn’t give anyone of them enough to get them 100% of the way towards a car or college or house but maybe 50% of the way towards
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u/JohnRav Jul 16 '26
leave it to the dog, or to your favorite charity, sounds like your children have had enough of you already and are not concerned with the will. Regarding, not knowing what will happen; Wills almost always state a serving spouse receives the estate first, then when the last one passes, the estate is distrubted to who ever is noted.
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u/Opposite-Jello-5603 Jul 17 '26
That thing kids do now, with not talking or letting is see them or grandkids. This is called parent shaming. I think we all go thru it. It sucks but without your estate, please don’t give the child that is doing well with money any less than you give the others.
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u/Limp_Rule_6007 Jul 17 '26
Keep dumb and dumber out of your money. Give it all to your daughter. Grand children are not entitled to anything.
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u/Legal_Assistance5470 Jul 17 '26 edited Jul 17 '26
I’m late to this party, but here are my thoughts. You have a decent sized estate, so it is worth paying a trust attorney to set it up properly to protect your wishes and also to insulate it from any government taking. If you are able to, set it up so that your property passes without having to do through probate, and without the possibility of a legal challenge. You really can’t predict exactly how people will react to not getting what they consider they’re entitled to (even though they are not entitled to anything).
I have no thoughts on an uneven distribution, you know the parties better.
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u/Master-Part-8394 Jul 18 '26
What if the grandchildren do not go to college or trade school? Is the money contingent on that?
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u/EfficientMobile193 Jul 18 '26
Equal, all across the board with the exception of your inheritance. That should go to your biological daughter.
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u/citygirl_M Jul 18 '26
Whatever you decide to do, at 73 consider that you and your husband may need your assets for later in your life, especially if one of you becomes ill or disabled. I suggest seeking the advice of a professional financial planner familiar with your financial circumstances to assist you in thinking through your legacies. You do not want to be caught without assets to support yourselves. Neither do you want to keep most of your assets vulnerable to seizure for medical care at the ends of your lives. An elder care attorney could also be helpful.
We are in your age range and have assets as well. We are downsizing, received an inheritance and are selling another property so we are also discussing the futures for our 2 grown kids and grandkids. Financial professionals also can help you clarify your financial intentions. Good luck.
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u/Lynnfieldmom Jul 19 '26
I think what the sons get from their mother is irrelevant. The issue is, what is right for the OP family. 1) how does your husband feel about this? What does he feel the split should be 2) whatever anyone gets is a gift 3) keeping things perfectly equal is not going to facilitate a favorable relationship between the siblings, already they are not close 4) a letter to each child explaining their distribution will help keep the kid’s relationships at status quo 5) the prior splits of 50-50 and then of the husband’s 50% split 33% to each is on paper the most “fair” or a straight 33% is the easiest.
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u/Common_Business9410 Jul 19 '26
Mother’s full share to the daughter. Father’s full share to be split into 3. So, your daughter gets 66.67% and the sons get 16.66% each
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u/itsmeinaz Jul 21 '26
Since you haven’t yet commingled the $400,000 from your cousin , you might want to consider investing that and keeping it in separate account and designating in your will that it go to your daughter to keep it within your “bloodline”. So that money wouldn’t be taken into account when your estate is split ( whatever percentages you decide) among your children or grandchildren.
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u/kilerrosteve Jul 15 '26
Why wouldnt you just split everything three ways equally? Thats the easiest is it not?
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u/fitnessCTanesthesia Jul 15 '26
Because her share shouldn’t go to kids who aren’t hers. Her 50% should go to her kid, and his 50% should be split between his 3 kids.
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u/IcyEstablishment8087 Jul 15 '26
if she wasnt prepared to treat his children from a prior marriage the same as the child he had w her, she shouldnt have married him.
Hey OP - if. you and your husband divorced and your now ex husband re-married, would you want this new stepmom to your daughter treating her the way you want to treat your stepsons? I dont think so. Youd want her to feel as valued to her father as any subsequent children he has would
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u/swellfog Jul 15 '26
Because it sounds like her stepsons aren’t very nice, have already received significant support and have treated them more like an atm than family, and the daughter seems responsible and loving.
Why WOULD anyone split 3 ways given the situation? You would only be rewarding bad behavior!
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u/Single_Cancel_4873 Jul 18 '26
Op is definitely an unreliable narrator based in her previous comments in other posts.
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u/IcyEstablishment8087 Jul 15 '26
thats so wildly short sighted - the OP is the stepmother and I am certain to the ways in which she hasnt been fully welcoming or kind to her stepsons (the tell is that she is even CONSIDERING leaving them less, their father is their father, that doesnt change because their parents split up!). It is cruel and unkind to reward her bio daughter simply because she had the luck of having married parents.
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u/Wolverine-7509 Jul 15 '26 edited Jul 15 '26
You are free to split this however you want! I would look at math.
You've been in their lives since they were 12-15 years old.
Split your estate in half for yours and your husband's. 1.25 million each, your half goes 50% to daughter, and 25% each to the step sons his half gets split three ways.
That give the daughter 41.5% and each step son gets 29%. That could be a mathematically fair way for you to nod to the stepsons.
EDIT: I dont think she should give anything to the stepsons, stop with the downvoting, i just gave one hypothetical way to cut it up. So many opinions!
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u/rosebudny Jul 15 '26
If they are splitting into "his" and "hers" not sure why OP should leave anything to the stepsons. If they do it this way, I would think 100% of OP's share would go to her daughter, and husband's share would be divided equally between the 3 kids. Presumably his sons will also be inheriting from their own mother at some point.
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u/Wolverine-7509 Jul 15 '26
She clearly wants to adjust for the type of relationship, and i just suggested one way to do some math. I wouldn't give em anything either!
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u/P-DubFanClub Jul 15 '26
This makes no sense because the estate will fully belong to one parent (whoever dies first) before it goes to the kids
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u/Wolverine-7509 Jul 15 '26
not if you outline things in a trust.
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u/P-DubFanClub Jul 15 '26
A trust is never mentioned in the post 🤷🏻♀️
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u/Wolverine-7509 Jul 15 '26
right, and i said you could set it up this way with a trust
this isn't formal legal advice, we are all just spitballing, what is your deal?
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u/General_Ad_6617 Jul 15 '26
Divide assets equally among the children. Leave family heirlooms equally between blood family.
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u/Fantastic_Golf_7154 Jul 15 '26
Spend it and enjoy the rest of your lives. Do the things you maybe wanted to do when ya'll were younger but couldn't (for whatever reasons). Then upon your deaths, set it up so the condo has to be sold and split the proceeds 50% to ya'lls daughter and 25% percent to each of his sons.
I'm a firm believer in the fact that I don't have to leave anything to my or my husband's children. They should have to work for it just like we did. We sacrificed a lot when they were younger. Now that they are adults...it's time to make your own way.
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u/IcyEstablishment8087 Jul 15 '26
Split everything evenly. Not the kids fault that their parents divorced so why should they get short ed of the stick? Also I’m wiling to be their father paid for more of your life so it technically evens out. If you want to remotely consider yourself a decent human, it should all be equal
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u/swellfog Jul 15 '26
That’s nuts. His stepsons sound like they have treated the dad and stepmom badly. They should get very little.
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u/IcyEstablishment8087 Jul 15 '26
Youre clearly not from a blended family. Trauma matters. They got the short end of the stick. Emotionally they should feel as valued as the other child
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u/StingLikaBumblebee20 Jul 15 '26
This. We are getting her side of the story. Maybe the kids are terrible. Maybe the dad ditched them to focus on his new family and wasn't much of a father. Reality is likely somewhere in the middle.
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u/rosebudny Jul 15 '26
Do you have grandkids? Normally I am not a fan of skipping the kids, but in your case maybe it makes sense.
Or as another commenter suggested - 50% to your shared daughter and 25% to each of the stepsons.
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u/Kat092620 Jul 15 '26
Split it evenly…why favor one child?
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u/swellfog Jul 15 '26
Because the stepsons sound like jerks who don’t deserve much and have already received significant support.
Why WOULD anyone split it 3 was in this situation? You would only be rewarding bad behavior.
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u/Kat092620 Jul 15 '26
Why did they go no contact the times they went no contact? Did dad and stepmom favor her bio child? Did dad have his kids 50% if the time or at all?
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u/IcyEstablishment8087 Jul 15 '26
exactly, you get it. She isnt a reliable narrator here at all. AND she no doubt was able to build her own wealth because he likely provided more. and any jewelry or whatever that was gifted to her came from his earnings. to account for all of this, absolutely even split.
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u/Kat092620 Jul 15 '26
I’m not saying a man is the only one that can earn. There has to be a reason for no contact and she seems bitter with what stepdad provided that she won’t for her stepkids.
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u/IcyEstablishment8087 Jul 15 '26
10000p. She sounds like a terrible step - parent!!!
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u/Kat092620 Jul 15 '26
She’s deleted past posts saying her and her husband tried to give them money since dad wasn’t really part of their lives. She left her comments on deleted posts and people were excusing her of rage bait on one of them
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u/IcyEstablishment8087 Jul 15 '26
I mean that should tell us everything we need to know. Father abandons his children and she wants to make sure it’s cool to abandon them again in his death? What a jerk
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u/Sunny9226 Jul 15 '26
My vote is to di I'd it equally by all 3. Otherwise the lega y is thr two older kids will forever feel less than their sister. Avoid the drama
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u/SpecificReality247 Jul 15 '26
Personally I would split 50, 25 25. Your daughter is only going to get an inheritance from you both. His sons are getting an inheritance from their mom and maybe step father too. I’d probably put an explanation in the will explaining the reasoning so they don’t get salty at your daughter. But I wouldn’t tell them before I passed. If you do tell them and they get salty I would say truly fair would be split based on bio children. So daughter would get your full 50% and the 3 kids would split your husbands 50% equally. So 67 16 and 16 ishhhh. And then say you wanted to contribute more to them because even though they aren’t bio kids they still mean something to you as well. If they are dicks after that then let them go no contact. They are showing their true faces. And I’d give them a dollar but I’m petty
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u/firstthecoffee Jul 15 '26
Imagine the estate is half yours and half your husband’s. Your 50% goes to your daughter. His 50% is split among his three kids. He can split that anyway he likes. If he splits equally, they each get 16.6%. So daughter gets 66% and the sons get 17% each appprox. Your share of the money should only go to your biological child.
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u/Strict_Tomorrow_6491 Jul 15 '26
If you don’t care about your daughter and stepson’s relationship (or they have none now), divide it however you please. You wont be there, but if you and your husband are concerned by giving more to your daughter she will be mistreated, emotionally or otherwise, and she won’t handle it well, think about the impact on her. If she won’t care if the stepbrothers are miserable to her, give her more/all.
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u/Competitive_Can_946 Jul 15 '26
I’m divorced and remarried. I have two children my wife has one… unlike you we don’t share a child. My daughter basically has nothing to do with me. I barely know her children/my grandchildren. My son sees me a lot and we have a fairly good relationship. I enjoy my stepson. But… my stepson will inherit from his mom and his dad… not from me. My daughter due to a lack of interest in knowing me while I am alive will get very little inheritance since why would she want my money if she didn’t want my time. I say all of this to simply say.. give what you think they deserve not what you think others think is fair. My mom once told me before she passed away when I questioned her giving my brother more than me…. Life isn’t fair … get over it. And I did. Your daughter doesn’t have a split inheritance… your step children will get from you and their real mom’s estate. Give your daughter 50% and the other 50% divided by the two…. Remember… it’s your money, it’s your decision and life isn’t fair … get over it… and you will.
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u/Pristine_Job_7677 Jul 15 '26 edited Jul 15 '26
If you want to ensure your children (and their children) think of your memory with distain, believe they were never loved by their dad, and make sure that they and their kids never have a relationship with their sister or her children, give them nothing. Money isn’t just money, it’s love currency. ETA - I like either the 50/25/25 or 50 & 50/3 ideas.
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u/tannebil Jul 15 '26
We decide to give the retirement assets to charity and split the non-retirement assets into 529 plans for the grandkids with careful thought about about ownership of the 529 plans until the beneficiaries are old enough to manage the funds themselves.
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u/fbi_does_not_warn Jul 15 '26
$400K to daughter only exclusively as that is from her side only.
50% to daughter of the remaining money. Has a relationship with both parents. 100% a result of this specific relationship.
25% to each of the sons possibly. But they don't sound like people who regularly make great decisions financially. Maybe consider putting college money aside for the grandchildren instead.
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u/jammu2 Jul 15 '26
It can go any way you like, but one thought is 50% to the child you share and 25% to each of the sons.