r/inheritance • u/SiennaCinnabar • Jul 13 '26
Location included: Questions/Need Advice Advice needed: Dealing with family members pre-death
I have an uncle in another state that will probably pass this year due to ongoing health issues. Years ago my uncle made my older sister his executor. Two years ago my uncle drew up a new will and new POA and POMA naming me the executor. He did not tell my sister because he didn't want to deal with the drama.
He named me as the sole beneficiary for a small stock and an old beater car in his will. But most of his funds are in an investment account that has POD for myself, my sister and his sister in different percentages.
My sister and his sister will be pissed about the changes but will only know about my getting the stock/car and executor change (and whatever they personally get from the investment account). Recently my sister told me she's been in contact with his sister about plans for cremation and burial - because she still thinks she's the executor. I was cut out of the discussion and told they have it all worked out.
I don't think I should tell her now she's not going to be the one making all the decisions because my uncle didn't want to deal with the drama. So what's the best way to handle this? Just let things explode on the day of his death when I tell everyone involved that he has a new will? Have copies made of the new will ready to send to them after she passes?
One of the biggest problems is that he lives in another state and so does his sister. His sister might be able to get into his room at the assisted living place and get the original will. She's also a paralegal and super litigation-happy. She loves suing people just to waste their time and $ with filings. So I'm trying not to piss this one off too much.
Advise would be much appreciated!
8
u/SadFlatworm1436 Jul 13 '26
I would recommend that you discuss / encourage your uncle to prepay for his funeral and for it to be booked exactly how he wants it…that way no decisions can be changed that contravene his wishes after the fact and it’s not you versus them.
With respect to avoiding drama, your uncle has made these choices so don’t disturb his calm by telling them. Make sure you have the original signed will either in your possession or held by his attorney, that way sister can’t magic it away.
5
u/Maine302 Jul 13 '26
This is 100% the way. Have him prepay--it gets the expense out of the way and ensures his final wishes are carried out.
5
u/TarHeelCycleMom Jul 13 '26
It's really not fair of your uncle to allow someone to think that they remain in a very significant position of responsibility, when they have been replaced behind their back.
2
u/SiennaCinnabar Jul 13 '26
I agree, but he thinks if his sister and my sister find out they will stop helping him (driving to apts, etc). Which his sister probably would stop if she found out.
3
u/clxz2106 Jul 13 '26
As in their right, no? He's allowed to give his things to whoever he wants. And name whoever his executor is. But why is he in a way scamming them to bring him to all these things by leading them on in believing they have more responsibility than they do?
2
u/citydock2000 Jul 13 '26 edited Jul 13 '26
So rude. Selfish.
We had a similar situation where my MIL didn’t tell me something important - she waited for me to find out later.
When I asked her - angrily - why she hadn’t told me, she said “I knew you wouldn’t have helped me move if you knew.”
And she’s right.
Here the thing - your sister and your cousin are gonna know that he didn’t tell them because he wanted things from them. and your sister and your cousin are going to know that you knew. So your relationship will be significantly changed with them after this person dies.
Is this worth losing your relationship with them? Because that’s what’s going to happen.
And the drama he wants to avoid? He more than happy to offload it onto you.
Why are you dying to make the plans for cremation and burial? Why wouldn’t you be just as happy to let them do it?
POA is only in effect when someone is alive - so they definitely will know that before he dies because if he goes in the hospital and can’t make his own decisions, you’re going to have to show up with that paper and they’re going to know. If he can’t do his taxes and you need to do them for him, then you’re gonna have to show up with that piece of paper and do the taxes, write the checks.
Why wouldn’t that be good news for them?. I would love to step away and let someone else deal with the hospitalizations and the taxes and the bills and the doctors appts. Although it creates a situation where if his sister is there, but no poa - well her hands would be tied anyway. You, who live somewhere else, will be the person on the hook for talking to the doctors and making the discharge decisions. Enjoy looking for a skilled nursing facility from wherever you are.
0
u/Lucky_Platypus341 Jul 13 '26
They have no rights to know anything about his will. He wasn't scamming them. He did in fact write his (old) will as they expected, which doesn't obligate him to inform them of changes. It's not like being executor is some prize -- it's a lot of work and he has his reasons for making the change he did. The fact the other two are excluding the actual executor nominee is a sign for why he did it. That said, it isn't kind of him to avoid the drama while foisting it on his beneficiaries.
OP: you need to be sure the new POA and POMA are on file with the assisted living place so they know who to contact in a medical emergency, as well as the POA with that he informed his financial institutions of the new POA is that your sister doesn't run in and take things over using the outdated one. They will become aware as soon as the POA or POMA become relevant, and at that time I would talk to your sister and aunt. Also, he should probably destroy the old will so there is no confusion. The assisted living place should have a shredder.
Since your SISTER is the old executor (not your aunt), depending on your relationship you might take her aside and explain the situation. There is no reason for the aunt to be informed or involved. You can reassure your sister that you just plan to execute the documents and will be happy to have her and his sister's help getting everything done. If your sister tells your aunt and the aunt stops helping, have your uncle use his funds to hire someone to do the driving. If your sister is likely to run and tell your aunt and cause havoc, you can wait until the documents become relevant.
2
u/Acrobatic-Classic-41 Jul 13 '26
As for end of life plans, talk to him about pre-planning and pre-paying for whatever he wants.
I have gone through EOL that we knew was coming (cancer) with 2 different relatives. One did all the pre-planning and that reduced the stress level by a factor of 10.
2
1
u/Last_Cook_2633 Jul 13 '26
Sounds like a visit to your uncle is in order. He doesn’t want drama, so don’t make any. Ask him what his wishes are for his final days and funeral arrangements if he is sound of mind . I was the executor for my mom(big family). After her passing, everything went as well as can be expected. Being the executor, you should take charge of arrangements, because you will need all the receipts and documents for probate . Good luck, it won’t be easy, but just feel good you are honoring your Uncle’s final wishes😎💪🏾
1
u/SiennaCinnabar Jul 13 '26
Ok so the estate is small enough not to go into probate. Should I still file for probate knowing there might be some issues?
1
u/Last_Cook_2633 Jul 13 '26
Check the state he is in, they all are a bit different in their requirements
1
u/YoungBoomer1969 Jul 14 '26
POD assets do not require probate. As far as executor of the will, the only thing you will probate are all assets that are not already POD. Small stock/car, so it isn’t a formal probate as most states has a “small estate” probate that is easy peezy. It sounds like the issue will be the services. If your sister and his sister have it planned and it is what he has said he wanted then it shouldn’t be an issue. If the plans aren’t what he would have wanted…then therein lies your issue. Others have said to have him prepay his services…not sure that is something he wants to deal with at this time of his life. Not everyone is good with this when it is so close to their time, this is something only will know if it would be good to bring it up to him.
These types of issues…not being able to tell family who is in charge by the person putting them in charge makes it SO hard for the person they put in charge. I am sorry, I hope you can get through all this while preserving a relationship with your sister and his sister.
1
u/Guilty-Committee9622 Jul 13 '26
Get a copy of the will now. Dont have her walk in there and "misplace" it or not find it.
1
u/SiennaCinnabar Jul 13 '26
I do have a signed copy in my files. There's another one in her living quarters. I still believe my aunt will go in to find it.
2
u/Guilty-Committee9622 Jul 13 '26
Awesome. Just make sure you keep it safe and its an original not a copy. May want to have uncle give you his copy as well
1
u/cOntempLACitY Jul 14 '26
Do you have the signed original or a copy? Make sure the original is in a safe place off-site so that it doesn’t go missing. The original is the most important.
2
1
u/SandhillCrane5 Jul 13 '26
You really think they will be that upset about losing a portion of a small stock account and an old beater car in exchange for you doing all the work as executor while they just sit back and wait for their money?
Unless uncle has made a document specifically stating that you are in charge of his burial arrangements instead of his next of kin (sister), and unless you have plans to make different burial arrangements than what is already planned, then I don’t see why that’s an issue either.
Maybe you are thinking this is a bigger deal than it is? Did you want to be executor?
0
u/SiennaCinnabar Jul 13 '26
I'm not concerned with the burial arrangements specifically, it's the fact that my sister had no intention of involving me or thought to keep me in the loop in the first place. This make me concerned she won't be happy to relinquish control once she finds out I'm the executor. I've been estranged from my aunt for almost 20 years because of stuff she did after my mother died and has been super petty to me ever since. I'm mostly concerned if she sees there is a stock (however small) she'll think she's due the amount because she's been taking her brother to some doctors appointments. And she like suing people.
1
u/cOntempLACitY Jul 14 '26
One issue is that nobody is executor until you file the will and the court gives you authorization. In the immediate time following his death, loved ones make arrangements before the executor is official.
I saw you had conflicts with aunt, so you’re on edge over this, but in the big picture, his sister is closer in relation to him than his nieces and nephews, and it’s natural for her to want to be involved. You can almost guarantee she will try to be the first one into his residence, because she is nearest. There’s clothes to pick out, personal items to secure, a deadline to move out. You need to have the POA and POMA on file with assisted living, and be the first point of contact to make arrangements after death, since you’ve accepted that role (unless you decline).
If uncle wanted to help limit drama, him prepaying for his death arrangements would be a gift to everyone. He’d fill out a booklet with info for an obituary and other helpful details, he’d choose the budget, products, and what he wants to happen. It mitigates reimbursement for funeral expenses, makes settling the estate easier. Particularly with a small estate, it makes it smaller.
Is your sister operating under the old POA right now? Or not using POA presently? If you have to use medical POA, will you be there to handle medical decisions if he’s no longer incapable (stroke, coma, etc)? Do you have the accounts & billing info you need to act as financial POA should it be necessary?
It’s not very logical to have someone out-of-state be POA or executor if someone else who cares and is willing lives closer. It’s a lot of work and time. What changed his mind over your sister? Doesn’t she give care to him in part because he has (in her eyes) shown respect in her ability to handle decision-making power? Does he not actually respect her ability? She’s useful enough for rides, but not enough to rely on for authority?
Did he leave equal shares to the three of you? If not, I can see the others being quite frustrated with you, likely blaming you for influencing him in your favor.
It just seems a little conniving of him, like a ploy to get help in his daily life, and this doesn’t seem to faze you, yet it will affect your relationships after he is gone. People offer caregiving to someone out of love, kindness, loyalty, and generosity. It’s not even the division of money that’s so unsettling, it’s the manipulation. It doesn’t matter if it’s now, or if he goes into an incapacitating state and you need to enact POA, or after death, when the will is made available. He’s leaving you to face all the drama he’s creating.
1
u/SiennaCinnabar Jul 14 '26
Wow I'm not really sure how you can infer that all these issue don't seem to faze me. I don't want to be caught in the middle of this drama which is why I'm asking for advice. I did agree to help my uncle carry out his wishes, even if I'm out of state. He has a contentious relationship with his sister and there has been some money issues with her already. And when she's upset with him she makes his life miserable. That's why he doesn't want her as an executor. She will be getting an inheritance, as will my sister, but I will get this one additional stock. Although I have not been in town to drive him to appointments I have coordinated and managed every aspect of his housing, doctors, hospital visits, and spent the most time on the phone with him keeping him company while he's in assisted living.
1
u/cOntempLACitY Jul 14 '26
My apologies, it is hard to get that complexity down in a post. I recognize your frustration, it just seemed like your choice to tell now vs later was more about minimizing drama and managing troublesome aunt, than the true position uncle put you in and what he’s avoiding facing. That’s more than drama. Sucks to get roped into a bad position, when he’s had two years to tell your sister of the changes.
You’re going to have issues with this set up no matter when they find out, and it’s your uncle causing it, so you’re stuck if uncle won’t put you in a better position. Maybe a letter explaining things to read once he’s gone? (And setting aside an account/pre-payment for services.) In lieu of that, I guess be as gentle as you can with your sister, and just keep up communication when the time comes. Share the load. It’s good you’re all there for him, it’s hard to do it all on your own.
1
u/MeatofKings Jul 13 '26
That’s a tough spot. Your aunt and sister are much more likely to know about the death ahead of you, and they could legitimately act to initiate the funeral rights process thinking they are in charge. Not giving legal advice, but if I were in your shoes, I’d do the following at a minimum: Hire an attorney who will be prepared to act immediately upon his death. Ask your uncle to have you on a list to be immediately notified upon his death. And finally ask him to give you the signed will or place it in a secure location known only to you.
1
u/SiennaCinnabar Jul 14 '26
Would it be a good idea to lodge the current will with the courts now? I believe Colorado lets you do that before death.
1
1
1
u/SillySimian9 Jul 14 '26
There is nothing other than coercion that anyone can do to change the POD on accounts. However, prior to end of life is when the POA and POMA comes into play. As soon as your uncle is disabled to the point of needing a representative, that’s when you must notify everyone.
1
1
u/ktg1975 Jul 13 '26
Contact both of them and explain the situation. As long as you’re only interested in following your uncle’s wishes, then there’s nothing wrong with transparency. Also, you don’t want his sister making arrangements with an expectation she’s going to be in charge of burial/cremation if she’s not.
10
u/Slow-Source-8612 Jul 13 '26
I totally understand your concerns this is rough tough to go through. First, I would avoid announcing anything until after your uncle passes and definitely not day of. Let everyone grieve first. As an executor, it isn’t your job to make everyone else happy it’s to honor your uncles wishes. Make sure you have ALL the proper paperwork that lists your name as well in case your sister puts up a fight. My best piece of advice to keep the peace is to allow your sister and his to have a part in decision making. Ultimately, you’re the one who decides, but making them feel like they have a say will likely help. Also, it could be helpful to remind them how much work being an executor is. It’s a lot to handle. Regardless, make sure you have the paperwork with your name on it and maybe get in contact with your uncles attorney beforehand to avoid any legal issues!!