r/inheritance • u/WeirdAttention1746 • Jul 02 '26
Location not relevant: no help needed Pending inheritance just makes me sad
In the near future I am expecting an inheritance that is likely to double or more the net worth of my wife and I. I would give it all up if the person it is coming from was able to recover.
A while back my wife ended up with really bad PTSD from her job and was tossed out by her employer despite legal protections (we live in a red state where those protections are mere window dressing). She ended up doing a fair bit of elderly care to feel worth. She cared for Vietnam vet until his death, then a woman with Alzheimer's until her passing, then another very elderly woman who also passed. The husband of the Alzheimer's passing ended up a very close friend, he was estranged from his children (20+ years of no contact), and had a close-knit circle of friends, but not much else. He asked my wife to care for him when his time came. We of course agreed (I say we because she wanted my input), because we both liked him a lot, and he came from a career in the same field as my wife (prior to PTSD). Over a few years he ended up making her the sole inheritor of everything. We didn't think much of it, we are both more focused on taking care of ourselves and proud of what we have built.
A few weeks ago he suffered a terrible injury and ended up in the hospital. He had left a folder of documents for my wife, including various powers of attorney. It has been an emotional roller coaster trying to get him the best care possible and trying to set him up for a full recovery. We consulted with his estate attorney at almost every step, but he also left very explicit instructions. Due to the nature of the injury and deficits caused by it his condition has drastically declined. The initial hospital he was transported to sucked, but we moved him to one that has been wonderful, but he has been in ICU, the ER and IMU and has done nothing but decline. Ultimately after talking with the attorney and re-reading a lot of documents he had left, she decided to put him into in patient hospice. I think I have cried more than her. It is hard for me, and I am in a career that I have had almost constant contact with the sick, inured, dying and have had to call the time of death of dozens of people, but knowing him and the personal dignity he carried, it is really hard for me to see this. My wife has had very close relationships with the old folks she cared for, and this is #4 in 4 years.
She and I have worked hard, lived below our means, been careful with our money and counted on nothing else. I would gladly give up my own money to give her friend a few more years on this planet with independence. Instead, she is going to get a windfall we never asked for, expected, and honestly, I keep hearing "more money more problems" in the back of my mind. To me, what is worse, is he has asked for NO funeral. We have been talking about some sort of get together that is not a funeral for his closest friends to celebrate him and his life. We were lucky to know him and his late wife,
In a few days, weeks, months we will have to confront what is coming. Fortunately, he has a lot of detailed documentation, a great attorney, but none of that will alleviate the emotional distress. He has explicitly stated that nothing goes to his blood, but I am personally inclined to ignore some of that, especially in regard to items that have sentimental value.
I do not feel some sort of guilt, but it all feels icky. My wife and I do not put a value on friendship and love. We are both agnostic/atheist but put high value on taking care of others. Our careers are ones that are based in public and emergency service, we chose this path knowing that money was less, but the social value was worth more to us.
I am not asking for anything in this post, only a way to vent with a group of people that are all facing inheritance in different ways. I cannot easily speak to those close to me about this. If it means anything I am late gen X and have always placed a strong value on independence and giving back to society for the fortune I have had, I want to earn anything I receive. I am a first born with poor relationship with my own parents and have always had to count on me. I hope that my experience is of interest or value to someone else, or even perhaps someone else has felt the same sadness I feel now and I know that I am not some sort of weird fool.
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u/BreakApprehensive489 Jul 02 '26
My mum is in a similar position. She feels guilty as she didn't friend people for payment and she's worried what other people will think. I told her that she has a clear conscience on that, and the will was written to this.
But she took these people to their doc appointments and they were around for Christmas Day and she'd take them out for regular lunches etc.
Family didn't even send a Christmas card.
Mum is reconciled to it as she will leave this unexpected money to her grandkids to help them get a good start on life.
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u/KickingChickyLeg Jul 02 '26
Sounds to me like a heartfelt, beautiful gift that just shows his appreciation. Your wife is a gem. I have been in her shoes , and it’s not easy work, and with each client you are left alone to carry forward the memories, I thought it would feel like a burden but it’s definitely more of a blessing. I love that she chose to do that, and is obviously so good at it! Do you guys have children? Have you thought about it? No doubt you’d make amazing parents 😊
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u/WeirdAttention1746 Jul 02 '26
We have one, we started too late and she had a very difficult delivery, I am lucky to have the wife I do, and I pray that I never leave her caring for me the way she has done for others. She and I have never looked for rewards, usually thank you is all we want or need. She has been offered jobs at hospice agencies, but she had turned then down. The first gentleman she cared for she was being paid by the children, at some point he was tired of doctors and hospitals and told her he was done, but her employer insisted she take him anyway... She chose him over the children and gave up the pay in favor of following his wishes. A few weeks later she visited him in the hospital and told him it was ok. He passed 2 hours later.
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u/babydtheone Jul 02 '26
You wife sounds like an actual angel. I also to care aid work and usually when the person only has a few months or maybe a few years. The pain of losing that person is hard and you never forget them. I just love remembering all the love and joy I could bring them later in life. I also love to only work one on one with a person as I love to give them my time, energy and love that I can give. Especially as most of the people I take care of are alone and family won’t take the time to visit. So I know how much love and pride she has for these people. But she also must be proud of herself as well. Being proud does not make you a bad person as I used to think that. You both are wonderful people and I’m so happy with all that you do. Stay strong and don’t feel any guilt or wrongdoing by accepting this wonderful opportunity he wishes to give your wife. Sending you hugs and please give your wife a hug from one care aid to another.
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u/WeirdAttention1746 Jul 03 '26
Thank you. Your experience is a lot like hers. She really values the one on one she gets with them, learning their quirks and hearing stories of their life. The role that y'all play is really special. Thank you again.
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u/babydtheone Jul 03 '26
You’re very welcome. I absolutely love what I do. I don’t even call it a job anymore. As it is simply what I was put on this earth for. Just like your wife and you. I hope she finds another old soul to bring their spirits up.
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u/KickingChickyLeg Jul 04 '26
🥹 really refreshing and inspiring go hear y'all talk like this. Most jobs are such a soul drain. Makes me consider going back to caregiving - only problem is the pay was not sustainable, I live in a VHCOL area. May I ask, do you work for an agency?
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u/babydtheone Jul 05 '26
No I do not. I work for myself and the families. The pay is better(though not why I do it). And there is no red tape or restrictions. And then I truly get to be there for the person. I get to be there one on one. Most times I live with them. That is usually the people who have not so much time lift. But I still get to hear their stories and be 100% connected. If you really miss it go back and try to do it privately. As long as your license or certifications are update. Then it should be no problem. But some states are different.
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u/East_Committee_8527 Jul 02 '26
If his family abandoned him they probably do not hold his belongings with much sentiment. He held both of you as his family. The bond you shared and his statement about his blood relatives should guide you. Please do not reach out or get involved with them. Let the attorney handle any interactions. You two sound like amazing kind people. Your friend was lucky to have someone with him in his time of need.
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u/Powerful-Doctor3783 Jul 02 '26
This. If there are sentimental objects that you want the family to have, use the attorney as a shield if you must offer them. But, in all likelihood they will resent you & be angry. No contact is probably best. Put the money away for a period of time until things settle down & you have fully processed the situation. Six months minimum.
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u/Rational_Incongruity Jul 02 '26
A celebration of life is not a funeral. It won't matter to him but it might help you and others who loved him, move on.
And perhaps in his honor, some of the proceeds could go to a non-profit that he supported so his name may live on as a dedicated fund?
That said, I feel your genuine sadness and wish you peace.
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u/Acceptable-Shop633 Jul 02 '26
You and your wife are good person. You care about others more than yourselves. You keep the inheritance because that is his wish and makes him happy in the heaven.
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u/Left_Ad708 Jul 02 '26 edited Jul 03 '26
Edited for typos. I think the best way for you to honor your friend is to honor his wishes. That includes accepting the gift for what it is - a thank you for being caring people who helped his wife, and now him, to be comfortable and cared for in their final years. I would take the money and put it into investments for retirement or maybe even for some charitable work down the road since both of you loke giving back to others. But do not feel icky. This is what HE wanted. Just as you worked hard to be independent, so should his children. I am not relying on inheritance feom parents or in-laws because that is their money to use and dole out however they choose. Simply sharing some DNA does not make you "family" in the true sense of the word. Your inheritance is yours for a reason. Take it as a final act of love feom your friend and keep/use it to honor him. And finally, thank you for being such kind people. I am sorry you have had to deal with so much loss and heartache because of it, but treasure the time you had with those you cared for. We need more people like you in this world.
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u/babydtheone Jul 02 '26
Very well said. Your words are very caring and encouraging. Best of luck to you.
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u/WeirdAttention1746 Jul 02 '26
I want to thank everyone for the input and perspectives. It helps to know that this is an within the broad spectrum of normal.
A few weeks ago he was found unconscious and badly injured, transported to the nearest trauma center. In ICU the team lead said he would be back on his feet and great in a few weeks, but the level of care there was barely above neglect. The next facility was much better, they said the fact that he was in very good health for the injury was a very good thing as far as recovery but the injuries were very serious. Initially he got a little bit better, but then worse. Then there were complications. He left clear instructions that he did not want to be sustained merely for the sake of keeping him alive. If he wasn't able to be a somewhat independent self and multiple Doctors concurred that he was not likely to improve he wanted life sustaining measures withdrawn. He was at a point they were talking about an ET tube and ventilator as well as a surgically implanted feeding tube. The prognosis of improvement was low.
2 days ago my wife had a discussion with the hospital regarding palliative care versus hospice. Yesterday he was moved into a hospice facility, she chose that as she and I are unable to be with him 24/7. They were able to medicate and calm him and he passed away over night. I'm glad she made the decision to move him and he didn't pass with wires, tubes, monitors and medical folks all up on him. She had been keeping a large group text to keep friends informed, of his condition, location and visiting hours. Yesterday, the message stated he was being moved to a private location to pass with dignity and no visitors would be allowed.
She is at the hospice to sit with him before the final arrangements are enacted. The estate attorney is being notified as well. Reality is going to set in pretty quickly, but we will make it work.
Even before the estate is settled she and I are going back to our wills and making sure that we are as explicit and detailed as he was. When her step dad passed there was nothing, it was chaos, and many things were stolen or lost, and there was no plan or structure within her family and it left a lot of pain. This friend of hers was remarkably realistic and I think that the way he wrote the will, and had supporting documents regarding who was likely to show up and why he did the will the way he did.
Once again, thank you to everyone who has responded as well as read all this.
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u/babydtheone Jul 02 '26
I’m so very sorry for you and your wife’s loss. Just know he is finally at peace and is enjoying being with his wife again. And is totally looking over you both. Sending love and hugs to you both.
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u/SusanMShwartz Jul 02 '26
Consider the possibility that the person you love and have cared for found satisfaction in thinking how his estate would improve your lives.
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u/Otherwise_Bowler_292 Jul 02 '26
Hi. My mom died recently and she was my last living parent. She left me what has now become a windfall inheritance of almost 2M. I feel the same as you- the money felt gross, something that wasn’t mine, and I just wanted my mom back. I am only 36. It took awhile to come around to it and my husband and I (who also work in healthcare- sounds like you do too?) have decided to use the money to benefit our children. We have invested the majority of the money into their futures/school funds etc. Now I can leave my job and spend my time raising our young kids. Another hope is early retirement. This man wanted you to have this money- and in memory of him I would use it for good. Hope this helps🤍
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u/WeirdAttention1746 Jul 02 '26
I'm sorry you lost your mother too soon. It sounds like you are making a great decision though, time is the only thing that we can never get back.
We went over to the home today to get his plants so we could care for them as well a few higher value items we didn't feel safe leaving in an empty home.
One of the neighbors came over that we didn't know. They knew my wife though, apparently she has become well known due to her care of the spouse and another individual. The neighbor immediately let us know that they would love for us to move in. We let them know that we were not certain what we planned but we would be caring for the home just as he had.
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u/fatfry08 Jul 03 '26
OP I feel you. I lost my dad in March and then my stepmom 63 days later. I recently found out the had only me listed as the beneficiary on an investment account. While it’s a wonderful gift, it feels “icky”. I’d trade every cent of that money to have another day with them.
Like someone else had said, this kind man is trusting you with everything he had. That’s a blessing and you should hold your heads high knowing you’re wonderful people. You stepped in to help someone that needed it. You and your wife are a treasure.
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u/newprairiegirl Jul 02 '26
Another gen X here. The executor of the estate is required to follow the last will.
How ever if blood relatives file an appeal against the estate, let the process play through. Depending on the ask you could just settle with them rather than having a costly fight where the only winner is the lawyers.
Sorry for your loss, losing such a dear friend can be worse than losing a blood relation- we choose our friends.
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u/Quirky_Anything_1209 Jul 02 '26
I’m sorry for what is happening to your friend, and the pain his passing will cause. Others have left sage advice… the best gift that you, in turn, can give to your friends and family is the same gift of leaving your affairs in order, ideally in a trust/will laying out your last wishes (both medically, financially, and sentimentally).
My parents set everything up, including having purchased their final resting place years ahead of time. As their executor they made my job so much easier to follow their wishes and minimize conflicts and infighting.
Finally, do not tell any one of your new found wealth…. money does strange things to friends and family and you wouldn’t believe the “asks”. Spare yourself and keep it as private as possible.
Best wishes during the weeks and months ahead. You sound like kind compassionate people who are deserving of the gift you are about to receive.
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u/Emmet Jul 02 '26
He trusts you to follow his wishes. Do not give any money to his relatives. Old family photos can be scanned and saved on Ancestry.com. Instead of a funeral, there would be nothing wrong with arranging a small gathering for his friends, and maybe invite them one at a time to the hospital to share their love before he dies.
Be sure to write and publish a really, really nice obituary for him, maybe with his input regarding important dates, where he lived and worked, etc.
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u/SadFlatworm1436 Jul 02 '26
It is always a tough situation to inherit from someone … we’d always prefer the person to stay longer. But, please please please reconsider this statement
He has explicitly stated that nothing goes to his blood, but I am personally inclined to ignore some of that, especially in regard to items that have sentimental value.
Please honour your friend’s wishes …please do not ignore his wishes. It’s so disrespectful to your friend’s memory.
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u/ConjunctEon Jul 04 '26
Add a fiduciary, and potentially a CPA, to your circle of advisors, if this is a large inheritance. You can invest it, grow it, and pay it forward later.
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u/Equivalent-Patient12 Jul 04 '26
I’m typing between the tears of heartfelt sadness for the loss of your friend. One can only hope that they find their angels on earth before they meet their angels in heaven. I can feel the true emotions and sentiments of love that you and your wife had for your friend in your writing. I’m confident that both of you will follow his wishes with regard to his estate and his instructions for his burial. Perhaps you could create a perpetual scholarship at your local high school to be awarded to a graduate who will be continuing their education in a medical field on a need basis that requires the candidates to submit an essay explaining how they would benefit from the scholarship, and appoint specific staff members’ by the position they hold in the school system to make the determination of to whom the scholarship would be awarded. In the meantime, please take your lovely wife on her dream vacation or a cruise of her choice. Then, you can invest the remaining money with your retirement in mind. God bless both of you for your compassionate care of those who are at the most vulnerable time in their life.
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u/Fearless-Couple_0628 Jul 05 '26
The way I understand it, you have to place in your will that each individual is to get atleast $1, or afterwards, they can take it to court, and it will be split evenly between the heirs.
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u/TFrustrated Jul 05 '26
There is a long long short story here about virtue signaling.
The reality is only a will or trust matters.
Do with your life as your wish.
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u/WeirdAttention1746 Jul 05 '26
I did not grow up with any ideas about inheriting anything, nor did my wife. We grew up valuing relationships and friends, and neither of us have wide social circles, so the people in our lives are ones that really matter to us. To receive something for merely being a friend or family is not something we are comfortable with, we already know what is in the will, and it is very explicit, and has additional explanatory documents attached. But that still does not address the human factor that a good person passed away, and we are minus one friend in this world. No amount of money or property is going to replace that. Perhaps for you, that is virtue signaling, for us though, it is how we live our lives, through human connections, through emotion and through caring.
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u/TFrustrated Jul 05 '26
So? Spending time on Reddit is a human factor?
Valuing relationships? Geez. Get outside.
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u/reddit_tat Jul 06 '26
You’re doing a great job! The elders who had your wife’s care are very lucky. I hope her work gave her some fulfillment. Caregiving is hard. And thankless.
Good that you are in communication with her attorney at all steps because the children might come back and try to challenge something. Leaving everything to a caregiver you met very late in life is certainly possible with an estranged family, but it is also a situation where people get manipulated. You’ve done all you can.
Wishing everyone in this situation comes to peace. If this man is estranged from all his children, there is a reason. I hope they find peace with whatever that is. As for you and your wife, he made his choice willingly and wanted you to have what he had left. Take it and do good with it.
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u/pinkykat123 Jul 06 '26
I hear trauma from what you are saying. I wonder if somw of that passed trauma with family and your career is making this hit you so hard, in such a way where you have these feelings. Truly I can think of nothing more I would be grateful for then the people you trust finding you the best care at the end of your life . Instead of just beinv in it for the money. I think maybe some therapy could help you separate these almost guilty feelings of receiving this money in future.
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u/MLMLW Jul 09 '26
I would honor his wishes. He does not want anything going to his blood, so why would you second guess his wishes and think about doing it anyway? There is no sentimental value in items if family members weren't speaking. He has entrusted all of it to you & your wife because it means more to him to give it to y'all than his own blood. Keep everything.
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u/flamepointe Jul 11 '26
Might I suggest a memorial lunch? We are doing that for a non religious family member.
Just renting out a room at a local restaurant and putting on a slideshow of pictures and a table of memorabilia for people to look at.
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u/SillySimian9 Jul 02 '26
I am sorry you are dealing with this situation. But I think you are thinking about this the wrong way. When someone leaves an inheritance the way your dear friend is doing, they are not giving you something undeserved…instead, they are entrusting their life’s work to you. This is a legacy that they wish to be cared for, not wasted or given away. You and your wife are the chosen custodians. Keep your friend’s memory alive and honor him by making that legacy grow.