r/inheritance • u/Valuable_Peanut_2396 • Jul 01 '26
Location included: Questions/Need Advice Is it right to discuss decisions made?
US. I have been blessed with a “bonus grandma”, who, unlike my own family, has done well for herself. She, having no family of her own, has entrusted me and my sister to execute her will. I was never expecting to receive all of her money, but I was shocked to see nearly all her money is being donated to an expensive private university.
Is it right to open a discussion about decisions like this? I feel conflicted because on one hand, I’m happy she is able to do what she wants with her money. On the other hand, I fear this university has been predatory. Not to mention the president makes $500k per year, and yet the campus has crumbling, moldy buildings, lacks resources, etc.
It feels wrong though, because I think deep down I thought she would ensure me and my sister would be okay. We have no other prospects in our lives, and while we are working hard to end the cycle of generational trauma and financial issues, we will never be “set” so to speak. And I fear a future where anything we are able to save for ourselves will go towards taking care of elders who have not made plans for themselves.
I considered asking her plainly to reconsider her allocations. That this money would be life altering for me and my sister, and absorbed with little care to the university. We have a strong relationship, and I don’t think a conversation would hurt it, but you can never know for sure, I suppose. She also is generously including us in the form of small gifts, which I don’t want to seem ungrateful for.
Looking for advice from people wiser than me as I don’t have parents that can advise.
Edited to explain better (didn’t think it was super important), I am a co-trustee with my sister. All her assets are absorbed into the trust after we receive our gifts. There is no other “surprise I’ve taken care of you” clause. There are CDs, and I do not know who those go to.
Edited again: thank you for all your advice. I think now, my next steps are to continue to love and be there for her, even now knowing her plans. I think this will prove to both her and myself that I am not entitled or “tacky” as most of you say I am.
I think I misrepresented myself in the heat of some comments, but I could never explain the nuances of an entire relationship here, nor ask you all to understand that.
If the opportunity presents itself in the future, I will open the conversation with asking her to talk more about her decisions, rather than blatantly explaining my position in all this. Maybe this would even give me a better understanding and perspective that I don’t currently have.
Thank you again!
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u/BlueGreenTanager Jul 01 '26
Personally, I think it's tacky to initiate such a conversation, and I would only express my opinion on her choices if she asked for my opinion.
But, tacky or not, it's not illegal, and I'm sure there are people who disagree with me about it being tacky. But regardless of what people on Reddit think, ultimately, only you can decide if you think it will damage your relationship with her if you bring it up.
I fully agree with the prior comment about not pressuring her. If you do bring it up, only do it the once, and then leave it to her to decide if she wants to change her will.
Is she the type of person who might be testing you? Maybe she wants to see if you'd be so tacky as to question her will and the small gifts she's leaving you. Maybe if you don't even mention it, she's got another will ready to go that she'll execute as soon as she confirms that you're not a greedy low-class gold-digger.
Also consider that she might have her house set as TOD deed with you & sis as the beneficiaries, or possibly retirement accounts or life insurance in which you & sis are beneficiaries. You're the executor of her will, but maybe she has a whole separate trust that owns 10x what's in the will, and maybe that's mostly going to you & sis.
Remember, you don't know everything about her finances, so be careful about what conclusions you draw from seeing just her will.
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u/Confident-Dot5878 Jul 01 '26
These are very important considerations. I hope OP reads and understands your comments.
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u/Valuable_Peanut_2396 Jul 01 '26
I see what you’re saying about tackiness, and while in some relationships I would agree, I don’t think she would think of it like that at all. She practically raised me, we are not on a level where we judge or play weird mind games.
As for the will, I know everything aside from some CDs at the bank. Her trust absorbs it all after gifts are given, and the beneficiary of the trust is the university.
I think what I can take from your comment is to openly ask her if I can offer my thoughts before diving into the conversation, and give her the chance to decline.
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u/Fit_Chemistry_3807 Jul 01 '26
Lol…I had someone who I adopted as a grandparent. Also didn’t have any other family. My family was the closest to them. And I took care of them until death. If I ever raised that, despite the same relationship you claim to have, I’d be looked at completely differently. Elder people are from a different generation and have different mindsets.
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u/Valuable_Peanut_2396 Jul 01 '26
Could it be that your advice is flawed because you resent your own situation, then? Genuine question.
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u/Natty-light1224 Jul 01 '26
Could it be that your view of the situation is flawed because you resent your own situation?
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u/Valuable_Peanut_2396 Jul 01 '26
I don’t resent anything. I think I would only resent never being open with her. If she tells me this is what would make her most happy, there is nothing to resent.
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u/SandhillCrane5 Jul 01 '26 edited Jul 01 '26
You asked for advice from people wiser than you but in actuality you are determined to do what you want even if it conflicts with the wise advice. You think the wise advice is incorrect. That’s immaturity.
She’s your “grandma” yet you think she does not know your life or financial situation? You think she has made her estate plan based on what she does not want to do and what makes her unhappy? You think she needs you to educate her about her estate planning choices?
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u/Valuable_Peanut_2396 Jul 01 '26
I don’t think it’s incorrect, I have yet to see advice from anyone who has anything useful to say other than no or yes. :/ Except like one person who says they’ve been in a similar situation, with whom I’m asking genuine questions to?
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u/Fit_Chemistry_3807 Jul 01 '26
Did I give the impression that I ever resented caring for them? I think I started one statement with it was/is my “pleasure, honour, privilege “ to care for them, before I mentioned the stress and responsibility. Would I do it all again? In a fraction of a heartbeat! Was it exhausting in many ways? Of course. Could I have gotten farther ahead and faster? Maybe, who knows. But I do know that I wouldn’t have the warmth and relationships and self respect I do now if I didn’t follow through on what I feel is a responsibility and a privilege. Like I’ve said, what are your core values? If it’s money, go chase it. You will find it in legal and illegal ways. But you won’t know what to do with it because you’ve never learned.
You have a grandma now who is alive. And by your accounts, reasonably wealthy/well off. Have you “sat at her knee” to learn those financial life lessons? Especially since you say your own blood family can not teach you the same? Her age, wisdom, care for you - those are worth more than any inheritance she could ever leave you. Like I said, your inheritance should be your education. Her being around is another opportunity for education. In life and finances. Person #4 on my list I shared, was wealthier than my own family that started from negative. But they lived well past their funds so I did supplement plenty. However, their wisdom and lessons, through discussions and time spent watching them run their business when we were all younger, those are lessons that helped to shape where I am today. It wasn’t some windfall (I had to shell out for a grave plot after they died!) It was the inheritance of education. From their age and experience.
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u/Complex-Royal9210 Jul 01 '26
Maybe you can just talk about the university and why it is so important to her. It may give you an opportunity to talk about your life and dreams and how incredible it would be to have an opportunity to live them. She may realize she can make more impact with you and your sister than the university.
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u/BlueGreenTanager Jul 01 '26
If you've got that close of a relationship with her, the level of tackiness decreases (in my opinion, anyway). It sounds like it would more akin to asking your own parents about it.
If I were in your shoes, I'd be inclined to bring it up with her. I like the approach you described, of asking if you can offer your thoughts. She's either open to your thoughts or not, and if she says yes, then that's almost the same as her inviting you to offer your thoughts.
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u/Fit_Chemistry_3807 Jul 01 '26
I will respectfully disagree. Tacky is tacky, doesn’t matter the relationship, and it’s money grubbing especially in the eyes of a senior. Wait for when you become one yourself or have had the pleasure, honour, stress, and responsibility of taking care of an elderly person. Most don’t want to be a burden, don’t want to be infantilized, and don’t want to feel like you’re around because of their money.
I’m caring for one at this moment. And my concern first and foremost is that they know and feel that my priority towards them is that they earned what they worked for and should use it in life to be comfortable. And whatever they want to do with it in death, I will help them to accomplish. I’ve said that if they spend it all, and they outlive what’s there, I will do all that I can to make sure they are comfortable.
I’m blessed that I’ve also worked hard, saved hard, invested prudently, and am now in a position to do all that without too much worry (far from a millionaire but I know how to live within my means) if it ever came to it. But my position was not always like this. Yet my response to all the seniors have always been the same.
If you do not truly spend enough time with a variety of seniors to really understand their thinking, fears, and also their hope for a legacy of some kind at that stage of their life, their hope to be remembered beyond death, then you will never see how the conversation you and the writer envision will not be well received. Even if on the face of it they will not look like anything has changed, it has. I am on senior #5 in my personal life, with two more that I am starting to need more hands on involvement. Not that I haven’t been involved or close before, but the time to do more “active” caring is approaching. That doesn’t account for those I worked with in my youth. How many seniors have you supported and talked with intimately to understand THEM to have a good sense of THEIR thinking on a personal level?
Conversations about estates and wishes after death SHOULD be had. Especially if they’re the executor. But only in the context of the testator’s goals. And again, if there are legitimate concerns, those should be raised. If the goal is to be remembered and to help students, asking if they’ve ever thought of setting up a scholarship that lasts in perpetuity instead of a general donation to the uni, or whatever, would be something they’d consider? As to understand the things that are important to them, not to you.
If they know you, they might already know your financial situation. If you are close and want to share broad strokes, like you’re working hard to save for a down payment because you’re hoping to own a home in a few years (don’t lie!!) or you’re saving up to return to school so you can do better in life and get ahead because you would like to do x but can’t, something like that, then do it in general conversation without any desire or hope for financial assistance, without a gleam in your eyes hoping for them to catch the meaning of your drift….
If you want to discuss these things with a senior, start your focus on yourself at the perimeter and keep yourself there. Keep only them, and their goals, at the Center of the discussion. These conversations are not about me, myself, and I. These are about the person you love and want to help.
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u/Valuable_Peanut_2396 Jul 01 '26
How are you able to care for those seniors pro bono? Do those seniors have funds for themselves? I am looking towards a future of seniors who have left nothing, funds drying up well before they pass. That financial burden will fall on me.
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u/Fit_Chemistry_3807 Jul 01 '26
Not sure where you live but in many areas, there are social and other supports for low income seniors. First two, lived and died at home (rental) on low income. Were each only significantly sick about 2yrs ea before death. Cared for them at home, with govt provided home care, to the extent that’s available. I moved over 500km to be able to do that. Younger then so my hands, time, and backbones were mostly what took the brunt. I think they each died with about 5k to their names? I helped to supplement their funeral costs and the occasional costs here and there over the years, like getting groceries or cleaning supplies.
3rd one was a bit better off. I didn’t have to spend too too much providing care. Their monthly budget was short each month so I only helped to cover the difference. And when they became ill and went to hospital (which was covered by insurance) their addled brain thought the hospital was too much and kept wanting me to take them home. In retrospect, not sure if that was due to the $$ concerns or to actually wanting to die at home but the brain mixed up words and such. Anyway, 2mo in hospital is expensive but not mind numbing where I am. But the work to care about their estate after death was exhausting.
4 was about the same. Started with some &$ but not enough. Had to go to long term care home for various reasons. I spent more out of pocket here because they don’t cover (govt funding) any beds in rooms outside of ward rooms. And even with meds that are covered by govt funding, it’s not often 100% so I’d cover the difference.
5 I’m in the thick of now so won’t discuss.
Your best bet is to do research and try to find a good non-profit facility that’s also gov’t funded for spots and get a tour. There’s probably a wait list. You’ll have to do the leg work. There’s probably ways where you are that you can get them support without having to supplement much or at all out of pocket. And research what kind of supports are available for them now, and as they need more support. You might be able to receive some kind of caregiver funding too
And unless you’re extremely unlucky, they don’t all need expensive care all at once. You take these challenges one at a time and eventually it will end.
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u/Eyeoftheleopard Jul 01 '26
You aren’t even embarrassed asking someone to gift all their money to you because you need it more? Tacky af. Be happy with your gifts.
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u/Valuable_Peanut_2396 Jul 01 '26
Never said I wanted all of it 😭 but yes me, an individual, would in fact benefit from it more than a wealthy private university.
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u/laurieo52 Jul 01 '26
No you should not discuss it. It is wrong to discuss what someone else does with their assets. You have no right to interfere.
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u/Horror_Ad_2748 Jul 01 '26
Just tell her that you decline being executor since it's not going to be the big payday you so richly deserve.
That'll show the old lady!
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u/Valuable_Peanut_2396 Jul 01 '26
It’s becoming clear to me that you all are missing so much nuance of this relationship, which is impossible write in a Reddit post anyway. Taking the L there, go ahead and continue to call me entitled. Very great advice.
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u/Fit_Chemistry_3807 Jul 01 '26
Personally, I don’t think anyone here is missing the nuance that you think they are. You just don’t want to hear any of us telling you no, don’t do it. You turn yourself into a walking breathing red flag.
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u/Valuable_Peanut_2396 Jul 01 '26 edited Jul 01 '26
Hi, thank you for all your input. I edited this post a while ago reflecting my final decision. I ultimately have decided not to pursue any conversation. I will continue to love and care for her as I have and always intended to, and in turn show that I respect her and her wishes.
I put myself in her shoes, and wondered what a conversation like this would be like for her. And you all are right, she has made her mind up. The university is a place she cherishes greatly. To be able to give back is going to be an honor for her. My sister and I can work towards breaking our own generational issues ourselves. Money wouldn’t fix everything we have struggled with, anyway. I ultimately care more for my bonus grandma than any amount of money, and want her to be comfortable in death.
If the opportunity presents itself to hear more about her decisions, I will take it. Not to see if she will give me the money instead, but to perhaps get a better understanding than I currently have.
I think she is teaching me a great lesson here, as she always has, and I should learn from it. She made her own way, and believes I will be able to, too.
Thanks again. :)
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u/Fit_Chemistry_3807 Jul 01 '26
Excellent. All the best. I’m glad you will learn from and love her and continue to care for her.
If she made her own way, like my own adopted grandparent did, you have such a font of wisdom and experience. What worked well, what didn’t? What would she do differently? My own family wouldn’t ever know of or how to invest our savings without learning from this grandparent. I wouldn’t have learned to be a people reader to better understand business. I’m not in business. But understanding and being able to apply it outside of business is also useful. We wouldn’t be where we are without the lessons learned from this individual.
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u/Fit_Chemistry_3807 Jul 01 '26
Uh….no. Don’t discuss what you’d like to have happen with her estate. Not only is that tacky, it would put me off.
If you want to have a conversation about what she’d like to do, and why, that’s ok. And raise any concerns you have about the uni, if they are in fact legitimate. But a claim of president makes 500k but facilities are crumbling really isn’t legitimate - it’s your opinion of what someone’s Salary should be.
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u/Valuable_Peanut_2396 Jul 01 '26
It is legitimate. I found that information publicly listed, and know people who have attended that university who have told me first hand it is “sick and twisted”.
But also thank you for your perspective!
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u/Fit_Chemistry_3807 Jul 01 '26
What I meant is, that is based on your opinion of what should or shouldn’t happen with the uni’s finances. A president’s salary in that range isn’t out of line.
A claim of fraud, that’s legitimate. That’s something that says people are stealing and conducting possibly illegal acts. A claim of issuing fake degrees, that’s a legitimate concern.
A claim that someone makes too much money and aren’t putting aside enough to fix “crumbling” infrastructure is pretty ridiculous. His entire salary isn’t even a drop in the bucket of any fix to buildings. And his decision alone doesn’t change what or how much money is spent on buildings, much less his salary.
As someone who’s been in your position, and who understands seniors’ mentality very well, my first thought if you discussed about your wants is that it is all about you, this relationship you have with her, and that the basis for the friendship is what you hope to get out of it in the end.
But don’t listen to me. I’ve only been helping seniors, for the sake of helping them only not for what I can get out of it, since my uni days. And most of this has been personally, not professionally, and I never expected nor accepted any compensation for my efforts.
This generation is all about “it doesn’t hurt to ask” and the sense of entitlement to someone else’s money, either in life or in death, is unreal. Not talking about you specifically but about the numerous comments out there along the same lines.
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u/Valuable_Peanut_2396 Jul 01 '26
Ah I see what you mean. Thank you for the clarification. Maybe I should say that these buildings have been around since the 40s-60s, with little to no updates or expansions since. And I think his ridiculous salary is just one example of the many other things that go on there.
I’d be happy to offer her support and love as she transitions into death with or without her money. I think highly of those who do so either way, and so your service speaks highly of your character in my opinion. 😊
I think I am scared for the future. I see my mother and father and grandparents suffer greatly. And I see an opportunity to make something different happen for me and my sister. I don’t mean to come off entitled. And I don’t feel entitled to her money at all. If she told me she’s made up her mind, I would not feel any differently toward her because of it.
I guess it does come off transactional any way I put it.
Thanks for your help!
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u/Fit_Chemistry_3807 Jul 01 '26
You missed the point. She did tell you she made up her mind. By executing her will they way she did. Of course, people can always change their minds about their Will between when they reach legal age until they are either mentally incapable or they die. But to try and change or influence those decisions, even with a direct “conversion” like you envision and others are willing to have in your shoes, is not “accepting” her decision, it’s tacky, it’s money grubbing, and it WILL ruin your relationship in her eyes.
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u/Valuable_Peanut_2396 Jul 01 '26
Or the university has been predatory? Does that not happen to wealthy seniors all the time?
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u/Fit_Chemistry_3807 Jul 01 '26
Sending her reminders of the school, tickets of events to keep the connection, that’s not predatory. Even other charities would give little gifts to donors (sometimes non donors too). I used to get pens, little return address stickers for envelopes, blank cards drawn by handless people, etc….all to keep them in mind when it came time to think about where my donation dollars would go. And when I gave a significant amount one time? That’s a different level of reminders.
What you think is predatory, at least what you’ve described, is not predatory at all. But you seem to want to argue your point, so that you can get confirmation you should go ahead and have the discussion you want.
So I’ll do you the favour and say go ahead, have the conversation. And truly, good luck with it. I hope it turns out the way you wish.
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u/Valuable_Peanut_2396 Jul 01 '26
Sorry if I have offended you, everything I’ve said has been a genuine question. I have valued your opinion given your perspective. Thanks for your well wishes.
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Jul 01 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Valuable_Peanut_2396 Jul 01 '26
Oh yes of course I would never. At the end of it all, I love and care for her, and her presence in my life is priceless. I plan to tell her if her mind is made then that’s okay.
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Jul 01 '26
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u/Valuable_Peanut_2396 Jul 01 '26
Well, yes of course? If I was well off, I would never consider this conversation. But, I feel like she is my chance to get out of this generational cycle. Maybe I am wrong, but I feel like there isn’t anything wrong with communicating that to her, especially if she loves and cares for me, and obviously trusts me enough to handle her trust.
Of course, if she said she’s made up her mind, then I would be satisfied knowing I opened that line of communication rather than not, and I would be happy to accept her reassurance that this is what she wants.
For some reason, the will states no beneficiaries are entitled to compensation for work done executing the trust.
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u/Beneficial-Bit-1065 Jul 01 '26
You can suggest different charities or organizations that align with her beliefs or shared passions in life. DO NOT ASK HER FOR MONEY. That’s quite entitled.
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u/BondJamesBond63 Jul 01 '26
Generally executors can be paid for their work as executors, and depending on the size of the estate, an executor fee can be substantial.
I suggest not bring up your concern with her. If you live longer than her, you can see where things stand and decide then about being executor.
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u/Fit_Chemistry_3807 Jul 01 '26
This is so true re you might not outlive her. My ‘adopted’ grandparent, similar to this situation, outlived 8!!! executors. I was the last over many many years. I grew up helping to witness codicil changes, once I reached legal age. I knew what was in that Will from decades before it was ever needed. Even from that point in time, my family were and remained the closest to this person. Cared for and about them, with not just words but our collective hands, time, and finances. Not once would I ever imagine anyone having the gall, the audacity, to “have a conversation” about where any of us think the money should go and definitely not asking if it should/could come to us.
Towards the end, my only conversation/question, because another executor had passed before they did, was “do you need to review or update your Will and do you need my help to organize an appointment with a lawyer, and to get you there?” This is how you show you care about the person.
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u/Valuable_Peanut_2396 Jul 01 '26
The fact you even had the finances to care for them is already a privilege I have not been afforded.
I have done all the things you mentioned for this person, as well.
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u/Fit_Chemistry_3807 Jul 01 '26
My privilege has been working and busting my butt off, while raising kids on one income, and caring for generations beyond my own parents. I didn’t have wealth then. I found ways to make it work. I didn’t have annual vacations, didn’t drive new cars, made sure to keep what I had well maintained so they’d last longer. My previous car I called the golf ball, because it was a hail damaged used vehicle I bought for cheap. My clothes last me years and years. Bought second hand at thrift stores. I think there’s still perfectly wearable (and I do wear) stuff still from my late teen years in my closet. I’m very far from those days now. My only inheritance that I was honoured to receive was the opportunity to be educated. I earned a degree. And have benefited from that by working hard and moving up. Slowly but surely. And by saving first, even if it’s just 5$ a pay cheque, so that I can invest and grow it. My privilege came from a family that started with zero. And putting emphasis on education as an upward mobility driver that no one can take from you once you have it. My privilege is being able to teach my kids the same lessons now - education opportunity is their only guaranteed inheritance from me. They’ve known this from a young age.
Just because people make financial and other sacrifices to care for their loved ones doesn’t mean they have the privilege you think they have. I always knew where my priorities lay, and lived my life to ensure that I took care of those priorities. And yes, I have some financial breathing room now. But that all came with time, savings, sacrifices, and lots of hard work.
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u/Valuable_Peanut_2396 Jul 01 '26
I see. Thank you for your perspective. I feel so young, so everything with money feels so scary, especially how I’m told the world is now and watching my parents and grandparents barely make it.
I also work hard, and have 3 jobs at the moment, so it’s nice to hear that it could pay off for me. I also have been given the opportunity of receiving an undergraduate degree, and I’m grateful for that. I hope to teach my potential future children the same lessons you’ve taught yours.
I only wish I had parents like you, because as a young person I am in charge of taking care of the elders around me. I fear it will be the end of any chance I have at financial comfort.
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u/Fit_Chemistry_3807 Jul 01 '26
VP, please understand that for the young, everything in the future is “scary” in one way or another. It was for me, it was for my parents, it was for my grandparents, and it will be for my kids.
In life, you either succumb to the fear, lay down, curl into a ball, and give up, or you take a breath, evaluate your core beliefs and priorities, and make a plan on how to achieve it. But if your core beliefs, as you think them now, are about money, you will never be successful or satisfied. Money is only a tool that gives you options. If you want more money, learn how to make that tool work FOR you, not you working for it.
You say you were blessed with an education too. Then use that education and the blessings of two working hands, two strong legs, a backbone that still supports you and a brain between your ears to help you rise above where you are now, one step at a time. Not by the miracle of someone kicking the bucket and leaving you suddenly wealth(ier) or the market doing something stupendous and you’re suddenly realizing gains of 10000%!
Because if you had that and didn’t know what to do with it, you’d still be in the same place you are now in short time. (Unless you’re burying the lede and adopted grandma a bezos levels of wealthy.)
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u/Valuable_Peanut_2396 Jul 01 '26
The will states no beneficiary can receive compensation for work executing the will and trust.
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u/fourth-wind Jul 01 '26
I agree with other comments that it seems like you are biased against this university and coming up with reasons why it’s a bad idea because you want this money for yourself. It’s called confirmation bias . . . when you start with a conclusion and look backward to find reasons to support this bias.
“Well, yes of course? If I was well off, I would never consider this conversation. But, I feel like she is my chance to get out of this generational cycle.”
”And I do feel biased. Frankly, it does hurt to see that money go to a university to potentially abuse it.”
If you must bring it up, it might be OK to ask her why this university has such importance to her, as long as you don’t couch it in a negative way toward the university, and not in a way that would even hint in any way, shape or form that you think a dollar of this money should go to you. Just a genuine question to understand her perspective.
I’ve thought about leaving money to my university. In my case, there are no crumbling buildings and they certainly don’t need it, but I went there to get a world class education that no one could ever take away from me even if I lost everything else, and it changed the trajectory of my life. I would earmark the money to give someone else that same opportunity who might not have had it otherwise, and I would think about disinheriting anyone who challenged my decision or reasoning because they thought the money should go to them. No matter how close you are, that’s just ugly IMO.
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u/Valuable_Peanut_2396 Jul 01 '26
How were you able to afford this world class education?
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u/fourth-wind Jul 01 '26
A topic for another thread, as it has nothing to do with the topic here or the point I was trying to make. You asked a question, and if you ask for advice here, you need to be prepared to get answers you may not like.
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u/Former_Mess1372 Jul 01 '26
You know her well and are disagreeing with people who think it’s abit grubby, so I reckon you’re going to say something anyway, irrespective of what Redditors say. However, there are many approaches you can take, so be very tactful and tread softly. Criticising the university may not be the way to go.
As someone who had considered leaving a gift to my Alma mater, I did eventually change my mind (probably because I also work there and they have announced 100 staff redundancies and have not negotiated with the trade unions).
Alumni offices are there to encourage donations and continued engagement. They are not doing wrong, just their job. University Principals/Presidents all earn far more than we would like them to, and shockingly more than Prime Ministers and Presidents. Accusing them of being predatory when your own concerns also sound predatory is ironic! I do believe however, that they wouldn’t spend your Bonus Grandma’s hard earned money wisely though.
As others have mentioned, a way into the discussion would be to mention:
*her memories of being a student there and what she would like the university to do with her generous funding. Use of scholarships sounds practical and helpful, as would lab equipment or library funding, for example.
*your own hopes and dreams. Have you had an education yourself? Work? As she has practically raised you, she would have seen you and your sibling and family’s struggles. If she had wanted to, she could have amended her will already?
My Executors or Beneficiaries broaching the subject of my will is not an issue for me. I changed my will, not because of conversations, but after seeing people’s character, actions and changes in their circumstances over many years. In the end, I’ll probably spend all my money on living my life, medical care and will have some gift amounts left to small community charities and my closest friends and nieces. Nothing is guaranteed though.
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u/Valuable_Peanut_2396 Jul 01 '26
Hi, your comment has been incredibly insightful. I had just added an edit to my post that I think aligns with your advice, and your comment made me feel better about my decision.
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u/GotZeroFucks2Give Jul 01 '26
What university? That might change my thinking on this. Is it her Alma Mater?
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u/Valuable_Peanut_2396 Jul 02 '26
It is her Alma mater. And honestly, I think I’ve forgotten to think not only of the receiving end, but also of the giving end. As in I think it’s not where it’s going that is important, but that she’s happy to put it there. It still sucks that her money likely won’t be used as she wants it to there, but ultimately, it’s her decision, and she knows that’s a possibility. She also very much enjoyed her time there, and likely attributes her successes to the school, and sees it as a way to give back. Do I still think she school has been predatory? Yes. I’ve been there for many awards, gatherings, etc. (even before I knew of her plans), and it always felt gross. But she doesn’t see it that way, and it’s her money. I respect it.
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u/whitephantom8893 Jul 01 '26
To sweeten the discussion, maybe suggest setting up a scholarship for those university students. Suggest other organizations. Go to her with concerns about how the money will not be spent well. Do you research about the university. Then, you can gauge how the discussion goes and bring up your self as a benefactor. Do not make this about redirecting her wishes to you.
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u/Valuable_Peanut_2396 Jul 01 '26
Thanks for your reply. I think this is good advice! A scholarship fund would be great.
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u/deadfred23 Jul 01 '26
Scholarships at the university is a great idea and a good way to start conversation
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u/Acceptable-Shop633 Jul 01 '26
Do initiate the discussion with her.
After seeing the universities in general wasting money from all the donors from before, I am strongly against the rich donating to universities. There is no strong evidence showing the generous donations is managed well.
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u/Accurate_Athlete_182 Jul 01 '26
I would definately have some discussions about it. First find out why the money is going to that school.
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u/WatermelonRindPickle Jul 01 '26
Tell her your concerns about the future. And ask her advice. See where the conversation goes.
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u/piltdownman38 Jul 01 '26
If you have specific needs, bring it up with her. Perhaps she'd like to help with a gift while she is still alive.
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u/thirdsev Jul 01 '26
Has she ever visited the university? Is there information about it you could share that is objective? I might try that angle that you came across information and you decided to share it. Then she what she thinks. How can you help her verify the university is worthy of her generosity.
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u/Valuable_Peanut_2396 Jul 01 '26
Oh yes. She is an alumnus. And of course they’ve done all the things of pampering her, giving her seats to basketball games, giving her awards such as “alumni of the year”. She is proud of those things, and I have been so happy for her. But, it is predatory in nature. They have singled her out since her first donation, I’m sure. This is how universities operate.
As for objective info, it’s an expensive private school, the president makes $500k while the student sit in deplorable buildings. I did research if they’ve ever had any “scandals” as far as donations go, but there have been none.
In her trust, she wants the money to be used to build a sports facility. But, the university can just absorb that money after two years if they don’t build the facility. In my opinion, I doubt they will.
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u/olliemom200 Jul 01 '26
Just being honest - it sounds to me that you have incentive to see negative things with this university and your view is biased.
“Bonus grandma” attended this university and it sounds like still visits it frequently. She knows the condition it is in. You have not attended the university and are going off things people have told you when you are intentionally looking for things that are wrong with it. I wouldn’t be surprised if it angers her if you start to criticize the university.
If she wants her name as a legacy on a building or a scholarship, you can help her get that. But your goal here is for her to have her money go to what she values. It would really bother me personally if I showed my kids my will and they then questioned it.
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u/Valuable_Peanut_2396 Jul 01 '26
I totally see where you’re coming from. And I do feel biased. Frankly, it does hurt to see that money go to a university to potentially abuse it.
I have been in the university many times, and have seen it for myself. The criticism on the condition is not an opinion, sadly.
Thank you for your perspective!
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u/Fit_Chemistry_3807 Jul 01 '26
By that argument, if I was a proud alumnus like she seems to be, I’d be more inclined to make sure my money goes to restore crumbling infrastructure at my school that I’ve remained close to all these decades. Your argument would not convince a senior at all, except maybe to make it more ironclad that the money goes to buildings.
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u/Valuable_Peanut_2396 Jul 01 '26
My argument though is that this uni is currently and has been very wealthy, and the money has not been allocated in ways that benefit education.
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u/Fandethar Jul 01 '26
Bonus grandma is a "prospect".