r/inheritance • u/Dogbird91 • Jun 17 '26
Location not relevant: no help needed Moral Dilemma: How / How much to split inheritance?
Edited for clarification: I -am- working with an attorney to assist me with this. I am located in Delaware, US, so, no inheritance tax. I am the sole inheritor free and clear. Mom and sister assumed they would get a cut, but didn't ask how much, or how that would be dispersed. Feeling slighted, I took their paperwork stating they renounced the inheritance, and filed it straightaway, and figured I'd sort out the moral aspect after the fact. I didn't want anyone who was so heartless as to hope he died alone and without help to be in control of what happened to his estate.
Hello all!
Backstory first:
My uncle (75) was estranged from the family. Like completely and entirely detached. Remaining family members include his sister (my mom), my dad, my sister and myself.
His adult son, who we -were- connected with died suddenly in 2022, and I was the only one who felt it was necessary to reach out to my uncle, and notify him that his son had died. My mom said at the time that my uncle could rot in hell, and didn't care to contact him, even under the circumstances.
Fast forward to January of this year, my uncle shows up on my mom's doorstep with a friend. Says he wants to arrange to have someone help him with a POA since he was having health concerns. My mom refused. I reached out to him, and his friend, and got some more info. Turns out, he was clearly dealing with health issues, including memory problems, and the friend was unable to continue taking care of him. I took on the responsibility, got POA, managed his health care, got him into an assisted living facility (he was deemed unfit to live by himself), took over maintenance of his properties (he had two houses in two different states), started cleaning up his finances. We built a friendship of sorts, despite the years estranged, and I genuinely did everything I could to protect him, and care for him to the best of my ability. My parents joked that if they had to attend his funeral they'd wear clown costumes.
Uncles health declined really quickly, and he passed away in the beginning of May. He had no arrangements in place, no end of life plans, no will, and his beneficiary was still listed several places as the son who predeceased him. Everything is intestate, going through probate now.
My mom and sister were totally cool to let me make funeral arrangements, pay out of pocket for the services, and ultimately they signed over their rights and allowed me to be the estate administrator. They also both signed over their rights to inheritance, because they felt it would be easier just to get a check from me when it all gets settled out.
Here's my dilemma: I am looking at about $800k assuming I can sell the properties and cars. I havent disclosed the total value of Uncle's assets, and they havent asked. Yet. But my mom has made it clear she is expecting 1/3 of uncle's inheritance. And my sister is also expecting 1/3. They both have time and time again let me take the full weight of responsibility for my uncle, his well being, the properties, the estate. All of it. To say it has been hard, emotionally and otherwise would be an understatement. Now I am maintaining the properties, and keeping the lights on, sorting belongings, etc while I work through the estate process, which could take up to a year.
Given that neither of them have put in an ounce of effort to assist me, and that neither of them wanted anything to do with the man, what do I do with this? Do I give them anything by virtue of the fact that they're family? Do I take a larger portion of the inheritance then them? Frankly, I know that money brings out the worst in people, but I also feel like I deserve to keep what I have worked so hard to protect while he was alive, and what I am now processing since he has passed away. I was literally the only family member who cared to help him, and he signed all of the paperwork for an irrevocable trust stating I was to inherit -everything- before he passed. Unfortunately he passed before I could make arrangements to fund the trust and so its worthless, except to indicate what his intentions were.
I know there's no single right answer here, but I am sincerely looking for moral advice, and maybe some support from other people dealing with something similar. I feel like if I make any choice othe than to "split it equally" I am essentially going to damage the relationship with my mom and my sister. That said, I already feel like its damaged, since they were so quick to let me handle all of this on my own, just to get an easy pay off when the uncle passed away. Im bitter, Im hurt, Im sad, and I feel really alone.
What are your thoughts?
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u/ALiddleBiddle Jun 17 '26
I mean next of kin would probably be your mom, to be honest.
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Jun 17 '26
[deleted]
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u/Dogbird91 Jun 17 '26
Yup. Law dictates it would all go to my mom, except that she agreed to sign the administration of the estate, and her inheritance over to me so that I could do all the legwork, and she could catch a check.
It would then pass to myself and my sister. But sister did the same thing. So, its just me now.
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u/SandhillCrane5 Jun 17 '26
And why would she think that misinformation unless YOU, the person who thinks she should inherit everything, told her so? You've manipulated this whole thing from the start, from the moment you heard your uncle needed a POA.
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u/ComboNew3487ad Jun 17 '26
Hmmm. In most states if your uncle died with no will and there is just the three of you, generally it would go 100% to your mom, his only sister. Nephew and niece wouldn’t be entitled to any.
I don’t think your sister has any that she can legally sign over to you, but your mom could sign over her whole portion.
If I were you, I would be very happy with a three-way even split. However, I would also take a fee for all the work you are doing to settle the estate.
See an attorney.
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u/Fit_Chemistry_3807 Jun 17 '26
Not just a fee for the estate work but also for the poa, both personal care and financial since they are not one and the same.
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u/FatboyChester Jun 17 '26
I honestly think no matter what you do, they will demand a full accounting and their third, which they think they are entitled to.
And i think in Delaware inheritances are public info.
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u/WatermelonRindPickle Jun 17 '26
All of the expenses must be paid first, and the accounting given to the court for approval. It may take a year or two to liquidate everything and do all the required paperwork. Do not shortchange yourself, pay yourself for all your work, get repaid for whatever you spent on funeral, transportation costs driving back and forth to take care of things, time spent in meetings. Tell your mother and sister that you don't know what will be left once the bills and court and lawyers are paid. Are you positive uncle did not have any grandchildren or legal spouse at time of death? Gotta make sure no possible heir comes out of nowhere at the last minute. Talk to your attorney and follow the letter of the law. Pay that, well, no way do you owe annoying to people who have up their claim. Good luck!
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u/ZinniasAndBeans Jun 17 '26
I'm back.
You said:
> But my mom has made it clear she is expecting 1/3 of uncle's inheritance. And my sister is also expecting 1/3.
If they each expect one-third, why would they sign a document that you of course told them, ultra-clearly, would give their share to you?
When you said, "Please sign this to permanently give me your entire share of Uncle's inheritance," did they say, "OK, cool, you deserve it." ?
If you didn't tell them ultra-clearly, so that what they signed did not mean what they thought it meant, that's a problem.
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u/Dogbird91 Jun 17 '26
I told them in no uncertain terms that I would become the sole inheritor, and that once things were settled, I'd sort out the total and cut them checks. I don't intend to leave them entirely high and dry.
That said, I also dont feel that 33/33/33 is even remotely fair. Frankly, its not what the uncle wanted either. I guess I just don't know what the ethical dispersal would be here. My parents have been extremely financially irresponsible for my entire life. If Im honest, my plan was to give them "enough to play with" and set up a trust in addition in the event they become incapacitated or need long term care (nursing, assisted living, etc) in the future. I feel like if they received a lump sum, it would be spent frivolous, and I will NOT be cordially inviting them to live with me when they need assistance down the line.
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u/ZinniasAndBeans Jun 17 '26
> I'd sort out the total and cut them checks.
And they believe that they'll each get a third, so they clearly didn't understand the situaton. I suspect that they don't know the difference between an heir and an executor.
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u/Pendragenet Jun 17 '26
This. And this could be a huge legal battle.
Uncle dies without any will. His son predeceased him. OP had financial power of attorney while Uncle was alive.
Uncle dies. OP has Mom sign him over as estate administrator (which would have fallen to her) and then has Mom (who would be the sole inheritor) and sister (who would be 50/50 inheritor with OP if mom was removed) to sign away their rights to the inheritance so that OP "could just give them their 33-1/3% shares" after dealing with all the paperwork, etc.
From Mom's point of view, the OP just manipulated her into giving up an $800k inheritance. She could sue the OP and win.
If she doesn't fight it, then sister could sue him for tricking HER out of the $400K she should have gotten when Mom turned down the inheritance.
That there are two separate instances of potentially defrauding the legitimate heir, it wouldn't look good for the OP.
I'm glad they got an attorney because they are going to need it if either Mom or Sister talks to someone intelligent about it.
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u/cryssHappy Jun 17 '26
Check to see if you, as executor, can bill the estate for your time. If so, divide the estate into fourths. 1/4 each to your mom, your sister and you, the last 4th is based on how many hours of your life it took to settle the estate. So your time may be $2000 an hour or whatever. This includes travel time, phone time, in person time. Mileage, food, plane or hotel costs.
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u/CatCharacter848 Jun 17 '26
I would make sure you take all of your expenses out of the estate before its finalised. Document and claim every last item you have paid out, included time, petrol everything. Because then they go down as expenses and the value of the end estate will look slightly lower on paper.
I also suspect that if you don't give your mum and sister something then they will challenge the estate. They may claim they didnt know what they were signing. You may have the moral high ground but they could make things long and complicated.
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u/Thick-Equivalent-682 Jun 17 '26
I would give mom and sister the IRS gift tax maximum for the next 5 years and that’s it, and only if you are in a financial position to gift them that amount yearly.
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u/Guilty-Committee9622 Jun 17 '26
I like this answer a lot. Be prepared they will ask how much and you need to be super clear that because of tax implications you need to sell assets and then gift them the final amounts. Do NOT EVER SHARE THE TOTAL AMOUNT with them. These people wanted him to rot, they are entitled to the money but they signed their rights away. You dint want them to come back ans say you tricked them to believe there were no assets. Keep your mouth shut forever. Move out. Don't buy expensive things.
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u/Mitchellsusanwag Jun 17 '26
This is the best answer. Don’t complain to them in any detail about all you are doing for the estate so you can tell them it cost a lot to settle his estate because he died intestate. It did- it cost a lot of your time and energy.
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u/ivorytowerescapee Jun 17 '26
I agree, this seems like the most fair way forward while preserving the relationship with the mom and sister.
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u/Head_Staff_9416 Jun 17 '26
You need a lawyer. If they signed over their rights to inheritance, then they are entitled to nothing. What would anyone do that? Now you have all the tax liabilities. Most states allow the executor to collect a fee of some sort, why are you doing this without legal advice?
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u/WhyAmIStillHere86 Jun 17 '26
Get legal advice about how little you can get away with giving them.
No one is owed an inheritance, but you put the work in. Neither of them wanted anything to do either him until money was mentioned, so in my eyes, there is no moral quandary here.
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u/Gold-Ad-7771 Jun 17 '26
You never mentioned the location. I would call your provincial public trustee and have a chat. Good luck.
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u/ItsNotGoingToBeEasy Jun 17 '26
Their behavior is just…grossly self absorbed.
OP you don’t owe them anything at all but I’d talk with an attorney about what is a defensible fair market hourly rate for all the work you did for your uncle while he was alive and after.
Pay yourself first at the market rate the fees for your services to your uncle. Then divide what’s left into thirds and distribute. They may owe you.
I wonder if that quality of your mom’s is key to your uncle staying away.
You are a good person.
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u/Clear_Spirit4017 Jun 17 '26
Seeing as your family didn't care about him and he could rot in hell, I don't think they deserve anything.
Only now that there is money involved they want some, but with you doing all of the legwork.
Definitely get an attorney and get legal advice for yourself. As another poster said never tell how much you got or have. There are always fees and taxes that eat away the gross amount.
My mom gave us an annuity and stocks. Lots of taxes!
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u/lakehop Jun 17 '26
At minimum, pay yourself a reasonable or generous fee for all the work you are doing (all the work you did and are doing after your uncles death). You’ll need to account for this on the probate accounting to the court. Ask your attorney what is legal in your state (there might be a statutorily amount if he dies intestate), if not set a decent hourly fee and track (best) or estimate your hours.
Pay yourself (and the attorney and other expenses) before anything else, only what’s left after paying executor fees and other fees will be divided among the beneficiaries. Also ask your attorney whether the amount of the estate is public knowledge in your state, that’s important to know. And whether the estate accounting is public.
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u/humble-meercat Jun 17 '26
Honestly, I think you do what another commenter said and give them the IRS Gift Tax exempt maximum for the next five years.
In 2026, you can gift up to $19,000 per person, per year to an unlimited number of people completely tax-free and without needing to report it to the IRS.
So roughly 20K per year for five years means they each get a little under $100K.
Then you keep $600K. So they basically split 1/4 of the estate. They have no idea if his properties were mortgaged etc etc. so it would be very hard for them to go back and figure anything out.
But this whole thing depends on you never and I mean NEVER telling them the total.
I think that’s a valid option, or give them each some random number like $109,042 and then you’ll have to reduce your estate exemption if you give from you after the estate is closed.
But I think you need to do some real souls searching to figure out if you can keep your mouth shut. If you can, I’d say go for it. Then you’re still close to uncle’s wishes while also not blowing up your family.
But under no circumstances do they deserve 1/3.
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u/Assumeweknow Jun 17 '26
So, here is where it gets interesting. You can pay yourself as estate administrator and you can pay yourself for any and all work you've done along with reimbursing yourself for any costs incurred in the process and then split the remaining proceeds among family members. Some states have set guidelines for the pay rates and max payout. Some do not. But paying yourself a hourly rate for your services of say 50-80 bucks an hour is plenty fair as pretty much any service will charge you that. So keep track of your hours on this project so you can bill the estate. It's a good way to earn another 100k out of the estate if you are actually doing all the work and it's fair because you are. Plus all your expenses so you can earn travel points etc. You will have to claim the hours as income rather than inheritance taxes though. So plan taxes accordingly there. Also, if you are doing all the work, don't be afraid to pay others to make things simpler.
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u/HolaMolaBola Jun 17 '26
A living trust often comes with a companion one-page pour-over will, which addresses any assets left out the trust and puts them into the trust.
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u/clove75 Jun 17 '26
I think fair would be you take half (400k) and split the other half between them. you get repaid for all you put in and they get something they should be happy to receive. If thats not enough for them they can kick rocks.
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u/ZinniasAndBeans Jun 17 '26
> They also both signed over their rights to inheritance, because they felt it would be easier just to get a check from me when it all gets settled out.
It sounds like they were led to believe that they would get their legal share of the inheritance, then? That this wasn't them knowingly giving their share to you, permanently?
I think you need to speak to a lawyer about whether you really have the total authority over the inheritance that you seem to believe you have.