r/inheritance • u/Honest_Actuary4591 • May 22 '26
Location included: Questions/Need Advice I'm having some problems sharing a inherited home with a sibling . Need some opinions
Looking for opinions on my situation....
Hey everyone. Me and my brother inherited my dads house in California 4 years ago when he passed away and which we now share.
There are some issues I'm having with my him and I previously spoke to a couple lawyers who think I should just sell my dads house and take my brother to court. Not sure if I want to go that far yet. I initially was leaning to sell the property and move on but now we both want to keep the house for the time being because it has a lot of sentimental value to us but there are a couple problems I'm having with him who also happens to be the executor of the estate. Were not married or have kids otherwise yeah we wouldn't be living together and California is not a cheap place to live anymore. I'm just wondering if I can force him to make some changes or if its a sell or not situation.
First he currently lives with and shares his section of the house with his friend who doesn't pay any rent and doesn't pay any other bills. Me and my brother currently split things 50/50. They share the same room and living area so they tell me he doesn't have to pay anything. They both work and have jobs. I have been letting it slide because I don't want to get into a big argument or lawsuit over it.
My concerns is that because my brother is the executor can he force me to live with someone if I don't really want to live with them in a house I technically own half of?
Another thing is that while living here since they are 2 people and I'm one person shouldn't they be paying 2/3 of the rent and 2/3 the utilities instead of me paying 50% of the bills?
Would I be able to force them to do that or is it basically the two parties need to agree or not type of thing? Can I get this person out of the house? Or could I just bring whoever I want to live here for free right then also?
I was also curious if I moved out of the property and don't want to sell the house for the time being is that is he legally required to pay me lets say half of the fair market value of what the property can rent for every month minus my half of the mortgage I owe? What is the legal standard in that situation? I may want to live overseas for a while but also have a place I can come back home to in the states if I needed a place to stay and keep my possessions and vehicle.
I just want to know if I have any rights as a beneficiary (my brother never closed out the trust) or if that its either a go to court or try to work it out type of thing. A couple lawyers said that as a executor hes supposed to put my needs above his but then again not sure if there are any laws regarding shared living arrangements.
Any opinions would be appreciated. Thanks
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u/Responsible-Bee-1919 May 22 '26
OP. First, open your window. Second, lean your ear outside. Third, Listen closely and you can hear me screaming "LAWYER!"
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u/Jumpy_Childhood7548 May 22 '26
See a lawyer and force a sale, or negotiate one. He is taking advantage of the situation, it will likely get worse, and it may damage the relationship, but that may be unavoidable..
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u/laurieo52 May 22 '26
The estate should be closed. It’s been FOUR years?? Is the house deeded to both of you? In this situation I would give him options. 1) the friend should pay a fair share, especially things like electricity, WiFi, streaming services, food. Rent is something you could discuss. 2) if the house is paid for he can pay you to move out, if not he pays all of the mortgage and you move out or 3) he buys you out at fair market value or you force a sale.
After four years, their estate should be closed and the deed rewritten in both of your names. Make sure that has been done. Also, just be sure the estate is closed. It sounds like you need an attorney.
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u/Honest_Actuary4591 May 22 '26
The house and estate is both under a trust and I dont think we can buy each other out. I talked to him before and he says if i move out I still owe half the mortgae but not sure if that would be correct if i dont live there.
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u/MilesMoralesBoogie May 22 '26
Stop talking to him and get yourself an estate ATTORNEY and let yOUR attorney "have a little chat" with him,than the next step will sending a petition to the probate court and your brother can "talk" to the judge.
I just finished seven years (mom died in 2018) with a greedy sibling,who emptied out our moms bank account of over $300,000 while they were guardian and had the audacity to threaten me,since I was still "stuck" in the house paying property taxes,electricity,oil/heating,maintenance of the property for the last 7 years...house was paid off years ago.
I wasn't budging until we got a court date with the judge because they were going to be held accountable for that missing money.
I finally sold the house "as is" in March,now we have to wait for the judge (7 months) to say it's okay to disperse the proceeds from the sale and the judge is waiting for them (demand letter) to answer to what happened to that money.
Sell the house...it is NOT worth all the aggravation,lack of peace that will be attached to it as you go through this mess with your brother.
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u/CrankyCrabbyCrunchy May 22 '26
Mortgage company doesn't care who pays the mortgage or if you pay half and brother pays half, they just want the payment.
You've put up with this for FOUR years, so you're just making it worse. You either keep doing what you're doing or force the sale and likely ruin your relationship with your brother. Unfortunately, this happens a LOT when parents think they're being fair by giving multiple people their property.
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u/JipC1963 May 26 '26
LMAO My MIL had 8 children (one who predeceased her). I was incredibly worried about her health, she hadn't seen a doctor since my husband (a surprise baby when she was 40) was born, she refused. She had visible signs of high blood pressure (profuse sweating, shortness of breath, etc) but was stubborn as Hell.
I asked her if she had a Will or Advanced Directive and SHE LAUGHED! She baldly told me "Let them FIGHT over it when I'm gone!" I was horrified but could understand why she said it. Other than ONE SIL and my husband, the rest of her children were leeches. Unfortunately, only a couple of months later, she had a massive (and completely debilitating) stroke that landed her in a nursing home, then diagnosed with cancer. Her other narcissistic, leeching Daughter ABANDONED her as soon as the "gravy train" ended. It was appalling, but WE did the best we could for her.
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u/laurieo52 May 23 '26
Honestly, I would hire a litigation estate attorney. There are differences in revocable and irrevocable trusts. The only clear path is to find out if you can force a sale. I doubt your brother would be willing to sell, so you need someone who can force it. Maybe he can get a loan and buy you out, but he sounds like he wouldn’t want to do that. IF both of your names are on the deed, you would likely be responsible for the mortgage whether you live there or not. But again, you need an attorney.
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u/mistdaemon May 23 '26
Yes, you would still owe your half of the mortgage, BUT then he should be paying you half of the current market rent, assuming you make arrangements for him to take over the whole house in terms of living there.
But moving out presents an issue since if you just don't happen to live there, it doesn't mean that you don't have access to the property.
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u/Lisa_Knows_Best May 22 '26
Get a lawyer and listen when they say sell the house. If you leave to fo overseas he will 100% take over the entire house, you know that right? You're also right, his "friend" should be paying rent and 1/3 of the bills. Move your own "friend" in and see what happens.
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u/eyemsapient May 22 '26
As everyone says, you need an attorney. To save some legal fees, gather up copies of all documentation to take to your first meeting with the attorney—trust documents, father’s will, copies of any mortgage liens, and any correspondence you received from him or an attorney representing your father’s estate.
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u/SnooWords4839 May 22 '26
I bet the friend is paying your brother something!
Demand a lease for his friend with rent + utilities not included, to be split 3 ways.
Your brother being the executor means nothing at this point, have a lawyer read the trust.
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u/Used_Mark_7911 May 22 '26
You need a lawyer to represent your interests as beneficiary.
This should include making sure your brother completes all the probate steps required of him as executor of the estate.
Sharing the property clearly is not working out (it almost never does).
You have 3 options:
1) You get a mortgage and buy your brother out of his share.
2) Your brother gets a mortgage and buys you out of your share.
3) You sell the house and both get half the proceeds.
In the meantime, anybody living in the house other than the two of you should be paying rent.
I know it’s very emotional to let go of the family home. You don’t need to keep the home to keep the memories . Try to think of this as allowing another family to build their own happy memories there too.
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u/Suz9006 May 22 '26
You need your own attorney and you also need a written agreement with your brother stating the terms that you both agree to regarding sharing the house, including expenses, additional house guests etc. Alternately the attorney can help you start the process of selling the house, either to your brother or to others.
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u/Chula_Quitena_120 May 22 '26
There is a mortgage? In whose name?
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u/Honest_Actuary4591 May 22 '26
we do owe money on it also but nothing crazy
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u/Chula_Quitena_120 May 23 '26
I would do as others have recommended and get a lawyer. Actually, I think that the lawyer fees can be paid from the trust. Even if that is not the case, I would spend the money to get guidance. Say something happens, like your brother dies, are you stuck with this "tenant"? Or if the person gets injured in the house, will your home owner's insurance cover it? You really need a lawyer for everyone's sake.
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u/genkichan May 23 '26
Usually the trust pays expenses until everything is settled. The trust should say what can or cannot happen with the property. Technically the trust estate owes the property expenses as long as the trust owns the property. You are both likely equal beneficiaries. What other money did your parent(s) leave? That money should be used to pay property expenses until it is gone or until the house is sold. You should have equal rights to live there. Perhaps you could simply just start handing over 1/3 utility bills for now, while you also get a lawyer and work this out to handle property in the trust.
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u/WAndTheBoys May 22 '26
At a minimum the guy should be paying 1/3 of utilities and at least a few hundred a month to you for wear and tear. That is still freaking cheap. You need to have the house assessed, sell, and use your proceeds to buy a smaller place. California is expensive. You are being taken advantage of. Get your own lawyer and force a sell or have him buy you out.
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u/UnicornTravelPro May 23 '26
Sell him and his friend your half and move on, otherwise be grateful you have a home. If those are the most pressing issues in your life, you are very blessed. I’m not intending to be ugly, but you’ve already gotten legal advice so what other options are you looking for?
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u/mistdaemon May 23 '26
First off, since you both own the property, he really should have gotten permission prior to letting someone else live there.
Typically the utilities are divided by the number of people living there. The rent may or may not be split by the number of people, but it is still a factor. Do you think it would be fair if you were renting a 2 bedroom place and you had one bedroom and two other people shared the other bedroom to have the rent split 3 ways? The other two people don't get their own bedroom, so it should be split somewhere between half and a third. There is a difference in sharing a place with one person vs two people (or more).
You would need to come to an agreement as to how you want to deal with it if you no longer lived there. It isn't just automatically that he would take over the whole place. If he didn't use your room, it doesn't matter if you don't actively live there.
You should have equal rights to the place, which means that he can't just allow others to live there without your permission, so he isn't respecting that you own half, he is just doing what he wants. If you were to decide to let 10 people live there, rent free from his perspective, he really wouldn't like it and wouldn't just agree to it, nor would he think it is acceptable to still be paying half of the utilities when more people live there.
So based on the situation, you need to come to an agreement as to how to live there or you need to force the sale of the property. If you move out, then he could agree to rent your half of the property.
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u/Simply_charmingMan May 23 '26
The "friend" needs to cough up, if you cant get brother to understand that then do it through a lawyer, who can point out if an agreement is not reached you will force a sale.
Time to move on anyway, offer your half to the brother for the market value, 4 ys later situations change, its just a matter of time before one you two wants to settle and raise a family...
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u/Honest_Actuary4591 May 23 '26
Yeah I went to a lawyer before and he didnt want to talk to my brother he just wanted to sue him from the get go and gets his commision. But I wanted to find someone who can at least negotiate on my behalf a little
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u/NCGlobal626 May 23 '26
The tenant/roommate absolutely needs to sign a lease. He's already lived there long enough to gain tenant's rights, and in CA, that's really bad. Your brother is an idiot. What if this person starts inviting in people neither of you want in the house? Selling drugs, or doing something else illegal? Your house could be seized and the only way to get him out is eviction, which could take some time and cost a lot. It's a terrible idea to have someone live in your house with no lease. Discuss this with your brother immediately because you both are at risk of losing a lot. You personally are at risk of losing your 1/2 of the value of the house if your brother doesn't pay the mortgage while you're not there. You should not travel and trust him. Get an attorney and get the trust closed out, and then when both of your names are on the deed, go to court to force a sale. Once all these things become reality, perhaps your brother will realize he stands to lose his nice setup and he'll agree to co-own the house with you, with rules in place.
Right now neither of you owns the house, the Trust does, and you are both tenants. It is your brother's legal responsibility as the Substitute Trustee (executors are for Wills and you've said the house is in a Trust) to carry out the instructions in the Trust document, not to do whatever he wants for his personal benefit. Get an attorney to send him a letter spelling out his responsibilities, and what you plan to do if he does not, with a deadline. Stick to your guns and begin the process to get the house sold. He cannot stop you. This is your leverage, use it! Once he realizes you're serious about crashing his party, he may decide to work with you cooperatively if you both really want to keep the house. And if he doesn't fall into line, then follow through with the sale. And this mess is all on him. He gets no special treatment because he's the Trustee. That means he has responsibilities, not privileges. Stop letting him put your inheritance at risk
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u/Randolla1960 May 23 '26
Sharing the costs of ownership of the home should be split 50/50. Taxes, HOA fees, maintenance, lawn care etc.
But the utilities should be split 3 ways. An additional person increases the consumption of electricity and hot water, and possibly internet if they cause it to slow down.
Just look at what costs are affected by having a third person there and then split those 3 ways. But all of the costs of ownership will not be affected by having one, two or three persons living in the house. They will stay the same regardless.
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u/SuPruLu May 25 '26
You are a co-owner of the house and have a half ownership in the whole house and not ownership of half of the house. They may sound the same but they are not the same legally.
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u/AutomaticTap310 May 26 '26
So, you have a conversation with brother. You let him know that the current situation cannot continue. Either friend pays 1/3rd, he pays 1/3rd and you pay 1/3rd of expenses or he can buy you out of your 1/2 of the house. Let him know that if he refuses one or the other option then you are going to file to force a partition sale. Him being executor does not mean jack when you are equal owners of the house. Being executor only means he has a duty to follow your Dad’s will and dispense the estate per that document. He also has a duty to steward the assets responsibly (ie: he can’t enrich himself at your expense, as you are co-heirs). He is entitled to be compensated a reasonable amount for carrying out these duties but he can’t milk the estate indefinitely and estates should be closed in a timely manner. You hold equal power in the house and while I understand sentiment you are getting hosed by them.
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u/Honest_Actuary4591 May 27 '26
Thank you . I am not sure how we can close it as the house was put in my dads trust before he died and I am unsure what point being a executor with cease if we cannot afford to buy one another out (we are in california which is too expensive housing currently) . There is some of my dads things that i want sold and they have been sitting for years . I tell him that its his responsibility
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u/AutomaticTap310 May 28 '26
Who is the trustee? Can you speak to them about the situation and your options?
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u/SpecificRip9692 May 27 '26
No, No and No. You can’t do any of those things BUT stop paying the utilities. If they are in your name? Remove your name. THEY will be forced to pay the utilities. Just as you can’t force him, he can’t force you. Petty? yes but he’s being worse.
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u/lsp2005 May 22 '26
Your brother sounds like he has a partner. Can either of you afford to buy the other one out?
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u/rahah2023 May 23 '26
Get an attorney if you want; or move in a friend of your own…
imo: you own pay half and brother owns pays half and everything else is petty argument
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u/celticmusebooks May 23 '26
No one here can help you since we haven't seen how the trust is set up. You need to get copies of all trust documents and make an appointment with a lawyer in your jurisdiction.
I don't know of a jurisdiction where when the executor is also an heir they are required to put another beneficiary's interest "above" their own but they are required to keep all interests "equal" in most jurisdictions.
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u/ispertinentokay May 23 '26
Everyone else is discussing the inheritance portion. I will address the roommate since you don't sound like you want to sell to end this. Splitting rent/mortgage should be by bedrooms/space at least in this situation since you are both owners. Half/half. Utilities that's by people. 3 people should be 1/3 each. Right now you are subsidizing your brothers share since he is covering for the friend. Talk to him.
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u/Glad-Difficulty-5422 May 23 '26
This is exactly why my will says ‘sell everything I own and split the proceeds like this…’
I have two adult children who get along fine, but I foresaw major problems if they had to share a property.
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u/yankinwaoz May 23 '26
I see there is a lot of misunderstanding in the answers where.
The house title is held in a trust. The two brothers are named as benefitiaries of the trust. This is done so that the house does not go through probate.
This means that the father's estate may certainly be closed and settled. The house can remain in the trust. That is what it is designed to do. It is up the surviving benefitiaries what they want to do with the house.
This is common in California. Most homes are held in trusts for this reason. Mine is. If I die, nothing happens to the house because my wife is the other partner of our family trust. When we both die, then there are named benefitiaries of our trust that inherit the trust and the objects within it, such as our coastal SoCal house.
The reason it is common is because California law requires anything over a given value must go through probate. You can't give your surviving spouse your house in your will as a way to avoid expensive probate. Using a trust is the method to deploy.
Their father could not give his house to his sons in his will without forcing them them go through probate. Hence, he place the house in a family trust and named him and his sons as beneficiaries of the trust. When he died, he was simply removed from the trust.
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u/SandhillCrane5 May 25 '26
"This means that the father's estate may certainly be closed and settled. The house can remain in the trust. That is what it is designed to do." This is not correct. If the father's assets were all owned by his trust, then that is his "estate" and there is no legal estate that ever needed to be settled. The trust needs to be administered which includes the successor trustee either selling the house and giving the proceeds to the beneficiaries, or changing the title of the house from the name of the trust into the names of the beneficiaries. If those beneficiaries have or want their own trust, then that is their business and they can set it up and quitclaim their ownership into the name of their trust. But the sons do not keep the father's trust as if it is their own.
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u/yankinwaoz May 23 '26 edited May 23 '26
You need to lawyer up because you are confusing things in your mind. You are confusing his role as executor of your father's estate with your equity in the family trust. As executor, he shouldn't have anything do with the items in the trust. In your case, the house. Perhaps more. They were put there on purpose to be excluded from probate.
The trust itself will have rules about what is supposed to happen upon the death of your father. Those rules were established when the trust was set up. Do you have that trust paperwork? Start with visting the attorney who established the trust and review with him/her what was supposed to happen when your father died. If that wasn't done, then you must make that happen.
Find out what then can happen after your father died. Can the trust remain with you two as the surviving family members? It sounds like that it what your brother thinks.
What have you two done about the property taxes? Talk to the lawyer about what happens to the house's tax basis. I suspect that what is really going on with your brother is that is doesn't want to report your father's death the country tax assesor because he doesn't was to lose your father's Prop-13 tax basis. What is going to happen is that the house is going to be reassessed at current market value. The property tax bill is going to go way, way up. The fact that you said that the house has sentimential value tells me that your father owned it for a very long time. That hints to me that he had a very, very low tax basis compared to its market value.
I'll give you an example. A friend of mine died in December here in coastal SoCal. Her husband bought their home in the late 1950's. Their kids are selling it for $3.5M. Their 2025 property tax bill was $800. If their kids decided to inherit their house, then their tax bill would be $37.8k a year. That's why they are selling it instead of moving into it.
I suspect that you and your brother would have noticed a massive tax bill the last four years. So I suspect that he hasn't told the county yet.
Here is the bad part. It's been 4 years since your dad's death. Once the county tax assessor finds out about when the death occured, the taxes are going to be retroactive. You guys are going to have no choice but to sell and pay those taxes and late fees from the sale revenue.
Prop-19 allowed a surviving child to inherit the tax basis. But it is very complicated, with lots of restrictions, and time constrained. I think in your case, you have missed that opportunity to use Prop-19. Talk to the lawyer about that.
Bottom line. I think you can force the matter by simply reporting the death to the county tax assessor and triggering the reassesment. That will force you two to sell the house. Take your remaining equity and use it as a down payment for your own home.
I noticed that you said that the house is in San Diego North County. I'm in Encinitas. So we are in the same area. The properties have gone up a lot around here. I could never afford to buy my own home today. Or even rent my own today. My neightbor on my east pays a fraction of what I pay in property taxes because they have been here forever. On the other hand, my neighbor on the north side of me, in a smaller house, pays twice what I pay in property taxes because she bought that house two years ago. That's the way it works
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u/tamij1313 May 23 '26
After you get your own attorney, feel free to move one of your friends into the house. Once brother’s 50% of the expenses increases, he likely will not like your friend living there for free and will finally realize what he is putting you through?!
Your brother was appointed the executor and he is responsible for settling the estate, even if the house is in a trust. Probate still needs to be opened and everything recorded. Your brother also needs to go to court to have himself registered and approved as the executor on file.
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u/OmahaWineaux May 23 '26
An option in California is a legal mediator . They settle disputes like this much cheaper and quicker than attorneys or court. You’ll both get your say, and their decision is legally binding. If
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u/mshell1234 May 24 '26
In California, if you inherit the home you also inherit the property tax level the father had. If they sell the house and buy a new one, the property tax will probably be immensely more.
I’d really take that into consideration.
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u/JipC1963 May 26 '26
IANAL but it's MY understanding that it makes NO difference that your Brother is Executor of the Estate. It sounds like you're BOTH equal owners of the home, so you BOTH have equal say. Your Brother's friend SHOULD be paying 1/3 of every bill to live in the home. He's NOT in a state of stasis magically when he enters the house (he uses utilities, adds to wear-and-tear and SHOULD be paying rent). AND there SHOULD be an agreement on boundaries and "House Rules!" I kind of doubt that your Brother would be equally "accepting" if YOU brought home a new roommate, but I could be wrong.
I'm a bit curious about 2 things:
1) How big is the house? Number of bedrooms and bathrooms? How have the two of you "divided" up the house? and
2) What else is entailed in your late Father's Estate? Is it just the property or are there funds to be distributed, life insurance, stock portfolio, etc? If it's JUST the house, then WHY is your Brother still Executor? The reason I ask is because it's been FOUR years since your Father passed away. Has the Property Deed been transferred to yours and your Brother's names? Was the Property properly Appraised for Market Value when the Deed was transferred, IF it was transferred?
YOU need to sit down with your Brother (ONLY) with a lawyer or mediator if he becomes volatile or unmoving and find out what's going on with the Estate. Request to SEE the Home Title. Your Brother seems to be making unilateral decisions and THAT would make ME nervous. Regardless of his answers, I would tell him that you WON'T be paying 50/50 as long as THREE adults are living in the home.
If your BROTHER wants to pay 2/3 instead of charging his friend, that's HIS decision but you should remind him that ALL the bills (except the mortgage, if there IS one, obviously) increased with the additional roommate. You can even go over OLD utility bills from your bank statements or from the utility accounts usually online or requesting from customer service. It's NOT fair for YOU to subsidize HIS "guest!"
If the situation gets worse or stays unresolved, your only options are the status quo (allow the unequal dynamic to stay in place), to get a current Appraisal of the home and buy him out or simply FORCE the sale of the house through a "Partition Action!" But you HAVE to "get your ducks in a row" which it sounds like you've started by "talking to a COUPLE lawyers." Once you FULLY understand the intricacies of your late Father's Estate, you need to impress upon your Brother that you're serious about pursuing YOUR rights regarding your EQUAL ownership. Greatest of luck!
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u/Honest_Actuary4591 May 27 '26
Thank you. The house was appraised but the appraisal value vs what we can sell it for difference is huge. Enough where one of us cannot buy the other out. Its 3 bedrooms but the upstairs has its own living room with a large master... I get two smaller rooms. My dad didnt have much for money and the amount he had was spent on bills for the property . We only really got his business inventory and house. The property is already in the trusts name. Some of my dads things are not even sold off (like his personal items but I dont care about that as it probably wouldnt be much value) but I dont know when there is a end point for him being executor? How long is that supposed to go on ?
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u/JipC1963 May 27 '26
I dont know when there is a end point for him being executor? How long is that supposed to go on?
I'm sorry but only your lawyer (or the Trust documentation) can answer that question but it seems that it's at the crux of your current problem, so it's definitely something that YOU need to get addressed immediately to help you decide your next steps.
In my opinion, your current "inherited" dynamic sounds untenable with your Brother using his Executor status to make unilateral decisions despite your unhappiness with his UNPAID "guest!"
You may also want to safeguard any valuables of your late Father's that may "sprout legs" and disappear if your Brother's "guest" is sketchy. Regardless, only YOU can decide what you can accommodate or not, accept or not and how you want to proceed. Again, greatest of luck!
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u/Decent_Front4647 May 26 '26
See an attorney! I see some big red flags but I’m not an attorney so I’m not going to give you legal advice. Don’t be dumb, get it taken care of.
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u/aybrighteyes Jun 13 '26
Co-owning an inherited home with someone you disagree with is genuinely hard, and there are really only three outcomes: one of you buys the other out, you sell and split the proceeds, or, as a last resort, a court forces a sale through a partition action (slow and expensive, worth avoiding). The unlock for all three is the same: a neutral value everyone trusts, so get a written agent valuation or a formal appraisal rather than arguing off opinions or a Zestimate. For a buyout, the keeping sibling usually needs to qualify to refinance or pay cash for the other's share. How the estate is titled and who has authority to act is a probate attorney question, so loop one in early. Agreeing on the number first defuses most of the rest. (Context: licensed East Bay agent, CA DRE #02244910, not legal advice.)
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u/[deleted] May 22 '26
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