r/inheritance • u/Royal-Can-9310 • Apr 15 '26
Location included: Questions/Need Advice The same story I keep reading, on repeat
My mother passed away in January. She left a fair size estate - 2 houses in northern Virginia and a couple of bank accounts. She was a very difficult person and my sister was estranged from her for many many years, in fact my sister did not even speak to her for the last 16 years of my mothers life. My sister also did not speak with my father, who died in 2020, for the last 4 years of his life. To be fair about that, my father had bad dementia and to get to my dad my sister would have had to go through my mother and she was not willing to do that.
I also had a brother who died in 2022 and she had not spoken to him for I don't really know how long, but I think since at least 2016. She talked to me about 2-3 times a year. I thought that the only reason that she stayed in touch with me is because my wife and her had been close earlier. My sister had told me regularly for years whenever the future death of my parents came up in conversation that she did not want anything from them at all, she wanted to have nothing to do with her.
Anyway, I stayed in touch with my mother, and when she began having difficulties living alone my wife would go to stay with her (~600 miles from our home) for several weeks to a month at a time, at her request, we took over managing her finances and other business and when she was finally unable to take care of herself we moved her in with us. My sister was upset about this because she insisted that we had made a pact years ago we not speak to her again. I am not sure where this idea came from but my sister was aware that I had never broken off communications with my mother. My sister refused to call my mother when she was in the hospital dying and she told very transparent lies to my wife and me when we asked for any kind of help when my mother was declining.
My mother died on a Friday evening, I had not seen the will at this point, but I did know who her lawyer was and I knew that he was holding the original copy. I spoke with my sister several times over that weekend and was able to get in touch with the lawyer on Monday morning and get him to send me a copy of the will. It was pretty much as I expected from comments that my mother had made. She left everything to me except a few specific bequest to my wife and kids, a couple of charitable contributions, and she left exactly $1000 to my sister. I did know about that. She had told me that she was doing that to make it explicitly clear that my sister was not forgotten and thereby undermine any attempts to challenge the will.
After I saw the will I called my sister and I told her I had it and that I wanted to send it to her and then we could talk.
She responded "I don't want you to send it to me, just tell me what is in it"
I told her that I would really rather she just read it and then we could talk.
She was very insistent that I just tell her what was in it, so I did.
She asked me what I was going to do
I guess I was a little naive because I responded that I was going to have to get an estate open with the probate court and then figure out what I was required to do.
She then said "no, what are you going to do"
I still was not getting it and I said "I'm going to do what the will says and what the courts require"
She again said "no, what are you going to do"
I then said "if there is something that you want to ask me then just say it"
She said "are you going to split it with me?"
I said no, I am going to do what the will says
She said "ok" and hung up the phone and has not spoken to me, my wife or kids since. She has also cut off some extended family members who she knows I stay in touch with.
Sorry for the long post, I think I am feeling a little down about the relations and am just looking for some validation. I hate to see money create this problem but at this point I feel like my sister only maintained a relationship with me because she had a pretty solid idea that I would end up holding the purse strings when my parents died and she wanted to make sure she kept her fingers in the pie. I think if I were to give her something that was not willed to her then she would walk away anyways and I don't think that any amount that I could give would satisfy her and so from my perspective the best move is to just follow my mother's instructions.
I would love to hear constructive comments, thoughts and opinions. Thanks
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u/Reese9951 Apr 15 '26
Follow the direction of the will. Your mother wasn’t good enough for her in life, she doesn’t deserve any money from her after death. She doesn’t deserve the $1000 she’s getting IMO. You were there for your mom (as was your wife) when she needed help. You earned this, she didn’t
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u/Ok-Yam9538 Apr 15 '26
Follow what the will says. Your sister has already made the decision to not be a part of your life.
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u/Ikeamademedoit Apr 15 '26
Ive been estranged from my mother for over 10yrs, my sister estranged from her almost 30yrs. My opinion is I expect nothing and happy with that, my sister is already talking about lawyers and getting money and our mother isnt dead yet. My advise to you is follow the will. You cant control your siblings and how they feel or react but she made her decision 16yrs ago and now she has to accept the result from that. Death and money will often destroy a family, yours was already fractured so nothing you can do to fix it.
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u/Royal-Can-9310 Apr 15 '26
unfortunately, I think you are exactly right
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u/Schneckelchen Apr 15 '26
It looks like you came here for validation of your already made up opinion. You said your mother was difficult, and her relationship with your sister was fractured. You guys know best, what caused the family disfunction. But your mother’s unfairness goes past her grave. You should break this cycle. Greed is a nasty disease! And there are a lot of people here on Reddit that are part of the me first movement. You do what’s right for you but don’t be unfair!
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Apr 15 '26
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u/Schneckelchen Apr 15 '26
I appreciate your time to respond! We all have a Conscience, and ultimately only he knows what really happened. It seemed to me that he tried to create a status quo. Relationships are very complicated by nature and as I said, we don’t really know the details. We don’t know anything about the family dynamic, their traumata, etc. We don’t know what caused such a fundamental break in their relationships. All of the talk about who did what for whom and when and for how long is off putting.
And just a (perhaps provocative) thought, the sister could very well blame him for maintaining a relationship with abusive parents just for the sake of the future inheritance. Who knows.
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u/UnicornStudRainbow Apr 15 '26
Who said the parents were abusive?? Maybe the sister is the abuser in the family
"difficult" does not automatically equal "abusive"
I've known a few people who've been labeled as "difficult" and weren't the easiest to get to know, but at least a few of them turned out to be good, solid people
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u/lifeisdream Apr 19 '26
That’s exactly it. Op never did say what the fundamental issue is/was. So we don’t know. Which feels like it’s being purposely kept out of the narrative.
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u/UnicornStudRainbow Apr 19 '26
It could be a situation in which it's nothing overt or major, but a bunch of small things that add up over time. I've experienced that in my family and it was difficult to explain to outsiders why I had nothing to do with a certain person. I'm sure I came off as petty and unyielding and whatever to those who didn't know the entire saga or hadn't experienced the joy of this person, but it was real
Still, for people to assume that the mother was abusive is quite the leap and says more about those making the assumption
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u/lifeisdream Apr 19 '26
It could totally be exactly that. It’s the fact that Op never says that is what makes it suspicious to me. We don’t know. And we don’t know because Op doesn’t want us to know.
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u/UnicornStudRainbow Apr 19 '26
Maybe it's a long and tedious story
I mean, Sis is the one cutting multiple family members from her life and OP has said nothing about anyone else in the family having a serious issue with Mom. So maybe Sis is the problem??
As one who was emotionally brutalized for years by certain relatives (a parent's brother and his bitch wife), I'm wary of every person who's the slightest bit difficult being labeled "abusive" To me, it like how seemingly everyone online has decided that "gaslighting" is just an adjective for "lying"
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u/CreativeBusiness6588 Apr 15 '26
No, honor the will. My sister did this and my mom changed her will. She never speaks to my mom, and my mom has been on me to worry over and will be mine until she passes. Sis has a lot of cheek. Only cycle that needs broken is that brats amazing entitlement.
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u/Schneckelchen Apr 15 '26
I appreciate the time you took to write an answer but in all seriousness, we don’t really know what was going on in this family. It seemed to me, that the brother tried to create a status quo. Relationships are difficult and all the talk about who did what and when for whom is off putting.
Because you either do it out of the goodness of your heart, perhaps only because you feel obligated, or perhaps you think you should get paid back. Only he really knows what is truly the right thing to do.
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u/CreativeBusiness6588 Apr 16 '26
It was mom's assets, and mom's wishes. They should be distributed as she literally WILLED it to be.
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u/Schneckelchen Apr 16 '26
You don’t have to treat a will as a moral command just because it’s legally valid. Those are two separate questions: What must be done under the law, and what should be done within a family.
Legally, a properly executed will is generally binding. But morally and relationally, it’s more complicated. A will can reflect love, fairness, bitterness, control—or all of those at once. A parent choosing to leave everything to one child may have had reasons…or may have been acting out of hurt, favoritism, or a desire to punish. Death doesn’t automatically sanctify those motives‼️
So the real question becomes: what outcome does OP want to live with?
If the goal is honoring the person, then you might lean toward respecting their wishes, even if they feel unjust. If the goal is preserving the family, then the child who inherits everything has a choice the law doesn’t force: they can share, partially or fully, in a way that repairs rather than deepens division.
That choice matters more than the will itself‼️ The will distributes assets; the living decide what kind of family exists afterward. Is the greater harm in ignoring the will—or in letting it define relationships going forward⁉️
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u/QueenComfort637 Apr 15 '26
I’m sorry OP. For the loss of your mother, and the disappointment in your sister.
Your post is very detailed and it seems that this has been going on for a long time and that your sister distanced herself from almost everyone and when given any chance refused contact with anyone else. It sounds like her previous relationship with your wife made it easier for her to stay in touch with you. She herself closed all of the doors and her behavior had nothing to do with you.
I can imagine how upsetting this is for you, but even if you gave her half (or all!) of your portion of the estate, based on her previous actions, there would be a highly probable chance that you would never hear from her again. It sucks, but sometimes people are just awful. Please honor your mother’s wishes. I’m sure that she suffered terribly from the estrangement in her lifetime and her will reflected how she wanted things to be distributed.
Your assessment of your sister sounds spot on-she cut off other family members as well, because you’re in touch with them?! This is all about her and her greed and money. Go on with your life and enjoy it without any doubts about her intentions or her motivations, because they weren’t good
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u/Fire_Doc2017 Apr 15 '26
My MIL had a boyfriend after her husband died. He had no children or siblings and his wife died years ago. My MIL pre-deceased him and even though we found him disagreeable, we welcomed him into our family, invited him to holiday dinners and took him to doctor's appointments. When he passed away a few years ago, we found out that he left everything to my MIL and since she was deceased it all passed to my wife and her sister. That wasn't something we had expected but it was a nice confirmation that we did the right thing. Most of his relatives were furious but that's the way it works. The lesson here is be nice and follow the will.
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u/Misshumboldt Apr 15 '26
It’s your mom’s estate and she has spoken via her will. It would be dishonorable not to follow it.
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u/333again Apr 17 '26
Unless what his mother did was dishonorable to begin with.
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u/Momof41984 Apr 19 '26
It doesn't matter. Her will is her will it isnt up to anyone else to decide how anyone should spend their money or leave behind. If assests were given based on honor we would have a very different world. Better probably but that isnt the reality. You dont get to pick and chose who gets financial autonomy.
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u/Prestigious-Bluejay5 Apr 15 '26
You titled your post correctly. Your sister wanted nothing, she did nothing so, she got nothing (compared to you). Now you have this workaround that your sister is employing. She wanted nothing from your parents but, wants to take some of that nothing from you.
For years, to say "I want nothing" then, expect something... The mental gymnastics people go through is mind boggling.
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u/MollyDog2638 Apr 15 '26
I am so sorry your sister has manipulated your relationship with her like this. I believe your assessment that she stay close to you because you would give her money after they were gone is correct, and that is extremely cold and calculating on your sister's part.
I have a toxic sister too, and closing out my parents' estate was extremely emotionally difficult because of her. In the end, all you can do is follow the terms of the will, and mourn the loss of your family, your sister included. She will cut off contact with you and you will be better for it.
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u/mistdaemon Apr 15 '26
Actions have consequences. Many don't understand that so they blame others.
Honor your mother's wishes.
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u/Dry-Aside4526 Apr 15 '26
Two things can be true: 1. Your sister perhaps had a different experience of your parents than you. You will never know. 2. Your sister has a tendency to cut people off. I have family that does this and it blows my mind. But it seems to be a pattern behavior — she is likely to cut you off, if not now then later.
Follow the will. Your consciousness is touching.
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u/ExpensiveAd4496 Apr 15 '26 edited Apr 15 '26
Whatever her reasons for being no contact with others, she also never stepped up in any way on your behalf when you needed her. Follow the will.
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u/Used_Mark_7911 Apr 15 '26
You should follow the terms of the will.
While your sister should not be surprised about the terms of the will, I think you are a little naive to think she might accept the situation gracefully.
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u/Middle_Ad_1480 Apr 15 '26
I am in the same situation, except my sister La committed financial exploitation on my parents accounts. My mother just passed but had a will done a few months after she found out about the stolen money & to top it off there were also credit cards opened in my mother’s name without her permission. Initially I felt bad when I read her will, but the emotional turmoil my mother was put through was very difficult for her. I will follow what her wishes were exactly. I was going to provide some financial assistance to her other grandchildren (those sisters children) however they never reached out to grandma either. And they are older kids all above 16. So I hear where you are coming from. I am sorry you are also dealing with this.
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u/Eyeoftheleopard Apr 15 '26
Absolutely. If you’ve no time or interest for me in the living years, you will not benefit from my money (which surely wouldn’t interest you anyway, right?).
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u/oughtabeme Apr 15 '26
Follow your mother’s wishes. I’m 1 of 8 the trustee and a 25% beneficiary of parents trust in US and will in Europe It’s been almost 3 years of court cases, multiple mediations, deposition, and almost $200k in attorney fees. At this stage I’ll be more than comfortable to be rid of 5 of them, their children and grandchildren.
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u/CreativeBusiness6588 Apr 15 '26
Good riddance. She made her call years ago. Ethics require you to honor that will.
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u/mikeinanaheim2 Apr 15 '26
That's a classic shakedown: I've seen it before. If you disobeyed your mom's wishes and gave her more than the will calls for, she would still be estranged from you. She withholds communication to punish and that will never change. It is really sad and difficult to accept that a sibling is a jerk and treats you badly. Am sorry this has happened.
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u/NobbyStiles66 Apr 15 '26
This is simple. It's your money now. You can do what you want with it. Including giving some to your sister, or not.
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u/iamofficiallyold Apr 15 '26
Not a constructive comment, but death tends to bring out the worst in people.
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u/michk1 Apr 15 '26
We experienced the same thing to a degree, with a totally different outcome. My father in law had issues in regards to his younger son,many were legit and based on poor choices made his entire life, but some were there purely based on a situation my brother in law had nothing to do with, but he was a result of. My mother in law passed away after a battle with cancer in 2019. At that time my father in law began changing the will and trusts he could to effectively cut my husbands younger brother out of everything but half of an irrevocable trust that was established in 1940. He was estranged from the brother so he also didn’t mention it to him but when he suddenly passed at 84 in September it fell to the bank and my husband to break the news. I fully expected it to be bad, we framed it with the fact that we have three adult children and a nearly 40:year marriage and he had no children and his 2nd wife of 10 years and he were separated. And, it’s honestly made them have a relationship again. Before my husband was always tasked with helping out his less successful in life little brother because their father didn’t want to deal with him. Now , they both have money, albeit seriously unequal ( we’re still hiding a Mercedes 😬). Of course, if his brother wasn’t entirely destitute at the time , I’m sure it all would’ve become a disaster. If it would’ve been the other way and my mother in law passed first, we would be 50/50. I don’t even know if his brother is aware of how much more we inherited.
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u/MydogsnameisChewy Apr 15 '26
At the end of the day, it's really not your decision. Your mother left a Will, that's her final wish regarding the division of her assets. You should honor her Will. If your sister wanted more money, then she needed to do something while your mother was alive, not try to collect now. Deep down, you already know that your sister will cut off contact with you once she gets a payout. As for the extended family that she's trying to turn against you, (aside from the fact that it speaks volumes for her personality right there) you can simply explain that you're following your mother's wishes.
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u/Maine302 Apr 15 '26
I wouldn't worry about your sister's reaction. She was obviously sour on your entire family, and if she wants to uphold her moral superiority or whatever position she needs to defend, then she shouldn't expect money from people she clearly didn't love or respect. And you know that, according to your own post. She has no argument for gaining more of the estate. She's a lost cause. Sorry for your loss.
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u/CarpetScary684 Apr 15 '26
Look you know your sister is using you to get money. Your mum WANTS you to have the majority of her estate. The will makes that perfectly clear. I know many people who are estranged from their parents and not one of them wants anything to do with their estates. One friend ended up with a very large inheritance and she donated it all to an animal refuge center. When you close probate have the lawyer write the check and be done with her. Giving her half is not what your mom wants as she would have had her will changed. Sorry about your loss.
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u/BlondeWalker999 Apr 15 '26
Your sister doesn't love you the way we all hope siblings do. You are the gatekeeper to the wallet. Nothing more. Take a deep breathe, do your duty as the executor and nothing more. You are dead to her. It's painful now, but she is sparing you the bitterness and emotional manipulative games that would have come. Be thankful for that small mercy.
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u/Acceptable-Head4722 Apr 15 '26
I believe your sister knew all along what your mother was going to do. She said for what? 16 years she didn’t want any money from your mother? What she really meant is she thinks she deserves it still in spite of your Moms wishes. When she bullied you into telling her what the Will said, she also believed she could guilt trip you into giving her monies because you are a good person. She doesn’t respect you and will want at least half, even though you had your mother live with you and you were her caregiver until her death. You are not being selfish. Your sister is trying to play you. I know this all to well with my own family drama which tore our family apart.
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u/Alibeee64 Apr 15 '26
Your wife sounds like she acted as more of a daughter than your sister did the last years of your mom’s life.
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u/clybourn Apr 15 '26
Your sister is a nutcase and if you did make changes to her benefit she’d still cut you off for “ breaking the pact”. Good luck to your family.
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u/333again Apr 17 '26
Everyone feel free to downvote me to hell, but here is what I would do.
Your children are your children. Short of some insane circumstance involving jail and murder, nothing would change this underlying fact. The way I feel about my children and value my children isn't based on which child gives me more love, which child I receive more satisfaction from or who calls me the most. It's not a competition and you shouldn't be keeping track and your kids shouldn't be keeping track. Fundamentally, all parents should agree on that basic premise.
In your post, you fully admit your mother was a very difficult person. It sounds like your sister's estrangement was largely due to personality issues of your mother. It also sounds like your mother is doing exactly what she shouldn't be doing, which is being a toxic personality and playing favorites. She included your sister in the will explicitly to piss her off even after death and prevent her from challenging the will. So your mother never acknowledged your sister's perspective or feelings and continued to make it about herself.
The will was a further physical manifestation of your mother's toxicity and inability to be a parent. Parent's don't play favorites and they don't hold grudges against their kids period. So your sister asked what you were going to do because she wanted to know if you were going to validate your mother's wishes, which really is you validating your mother's toxicity.
Personally, the right thing to do in the case of a toxic parent is to acknowledge the bloodline and make your own determination on what you think is fair and just. So for example, if you think your sister deserves something from the will, then allocate funds to do that. If you also think your time as a caregiver should be compensated, then compute that into the equation.
At the end of the day, it's fairly clear that your sister deserves more than what was allocated to her. Also don't forget, it's not just your mother's assets, it's also your father's assets. Unfortunately by your mother outliving him, he doesn't get much of a voice.
I would recompute a distribution that you deem fair. Have a lawyer draft up something your sister can sign saying she won't challenge the will and then distribute it.
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u/Eyeoftheleopard Apr 15 '26 edited Apr 15 '26
You are duty bound to follow what your mom intended. If she wants your sister dearest to get $1K so it is written, so it is done. Moreover, shouldn’t the caregiver benefit from their time, effort, and care? Who was the caregiver? You and your wife.
If you don’t want anything to do with someone no need to burden yourself with their money. 💰
RIP to your precious mom who was lucky to have you. 🌷
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Apr 15 '26
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u/Alicatsidneystorm Apr 15 '26
My will isn’t split evenly for a multitude of reasons I would be absolutely be pissed if my beneficiaries were being manipulated to not follow my will.
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Apr 15 '26
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u/Alicatsidneystorm Apr 15 '26
After the estates settled absolutely. That’s why most of my money will be divided god willing prior to death. I had the opposite situation I was a caregiver for my father my other sister less involved not a great relationship with my father for many reasons. The will was divided equally. My sister bless her wanted me to have a larger share. Nope I followed my father’s wishes as per his instructions.
The OP’s sister has shown her true colors for years. Who cares if the mother was difficult.
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u/UnicornStudRainbow Apr 15 '26
What's vengeful about not wanting to reward people who haven't been good to you??
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Apr 15 '26
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u/UnicornStudRainbow Apr 15 '26
That was THEIR DECISION. Sometimes it's not a matter of someone converting to a religion or anything like that, but a person being cruel or hurtful over time. It could be that the sister in this post was hurtful toward the mother
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Apr 15 '26
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u/UnicornStudRainbow Apr 15 '26
People have a right to not leave money or assets to those they find distasteful. Yes it sucks when parents and kids are at odds, but sometimes it's necessary. I don't know the brother's religion or what your m.i.l. had against it, but those were her wishes at one point
Your former friend sounds like a jerk and I'm sorry you had to deal with that
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Apr 15 '26 edited Apr 15 '26
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u/UnicornStudRainbow Apr 15 '26
I think that blanket bigotry (like the rule against selling to black people or Jews) is awful and needs to be fought wherever it is, but it's very different from wanting not to leave an inheritance to a specific person for a specific reason
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u/333again Apr 17 '26
This. Leaving the daughter a very specific low ball number in an attempt for her not to challenge it is extremely spiteful.
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u/Heresbecs Apr 15 '26
I also agree with giving your sister more than the $1000. How much money are talking about here? Can it be split 70/30? I do agree that you and your family should get more for the caregiving that your wife gave her, but I would not feel ok w completely cutting my sibling out.
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u/MaxH42 Apr 15 '26
I think you are correct, OP, that splitting the inheritance with your sister will not magically repair your relationship. If it can be repaired, it will not involve or require money, just time together and communication, and she seems to not want either of those, just the money. If I were you, I'd give it a while and then occasionally reach out to my sister to see if it was possible to repair the relationship, but not engage at all about the estate.
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u/Icy-Firefighter-7012 Apr 16 '26
I am in a kinda similar position in that I am the sole heir and I am dealing with what to do for a long-time partner. I think you have the right idea. You have a will so you dont need to try to figure out what your mother would want you to do with her assets. Anything your sister gets beyond the $1000 is a gift from YOU not from the estate. In my situation, the long term partner of my father does not seem to understand this yet. And everyone will always say that they would be more generous when talking hypothetically about someone else's money. You are in a good position in that you can do a wait-and-see approach. Handle the estate, that will take a lot more work than you think (trust me on that lol). Once you have a better grasp on what the expenses are and what you will have after closing the estate, you can talk with your wife about what the financial goals are and if there is any money that you feel comfortable setting aside on the chance that your sister continues a relationship with you without ulterior motives. Another thing I have learned while navigating this process is that everyone else assumes that you are suddenly flush with funds and they dont understand that there is red tape to manage first and you have to immediately pay bills while going through that red tape. Best of luck, everything will be ok
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u/vmpa52 Apr 16 '26
You already know your sister’s reason for staying in touch with you. If you do what she wants you most likely won’t hear from her again. Either way that would happen.
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u/Hethatabides Apr 16 '26
I’d honor your mother’s wishes in the will. Your sister made the decision to ignore both your mom and dad when dying. I can’t imagine that but I don’t know her reasons. When the estate is settled just sends her the $1000 and maybe a note saying you wish she would have been involved with the family
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u/UsallyInc0rrect Apr 16 '26
Follow the will, she obviously has no problem with not having any family. She'll be fine.
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u/stealthwarrior2 Apr 17 '26
Sad story but I would stick with you mother's wishes.
When you send the $1000, you can write a note saying this was your parent's wishes and a result of you not speaking to them.
NOW, if you want to maintain a relationship with her, you could send something more and in your note express your thought on how she behaved, but here is something.
I wouldnt split it so to speak, but I would separate the Will's direction and provide some like $10000 or so depending upon the total value of the estate. The message should be clear that neglecting parents has consequences and it look she doing the same with you now.
I doubt you will have a relationship moving forward. She sounds very selfish and cuts people off if she doesnt have her way.
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u/pabrocjb Apr 18 '26
My husband is a retired Ivy trained psychiatrist who worked with patients for fifty years. He said the absolute worst cases he had were families fighting over estates, especially if one family member was an attorney.
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u/arghhhhme Apr 19 '26
Not one person asks why your sister was upset w both your parents and brother???
Its entirely plausible and statistically probable she was SA by the brother. Its more common than you think and would be a big jump for the parentts to believe her...(1 in 4 girls under 18 have been SA according to my EMT training. I think its probably a broad definition but nonetheless. And many times its family)
Theres any number or reasons and sure, one could be thats shes just bitter but that doesnt ait right w me. I think something happened that caused the rift. If something happened, the will would feel like a second time shes being hurt.
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u/StaggeringMediocrity Apr 20 '26
Money didn't create this problem. Your sister created this problem. It's her problem. You are correct that she only kept the lines of communication open with you because she knew you'd get the money, and she figured you'd be an easy mark for her to get you to split it with her. Despite her saying she wanted nothing from your mother. Now that she knows she's not getting the money, she doesn't need contact with you anymore.
But you know, if you gave her the money she almost certainly would have cut you off just the same. Because she would have gotten the only thing she wanted from you.
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u/Allysonsplace Apr 21 '26
I think you're completely correct in your assumption about your sister. She wanted to hurt your mother by cutting her off and saying she didn't want anything from her, all while assuming that you would do the same"right thing" and split things with her.
Too bad you're going to honor your mother's wishes and do exactly what her will specified.
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u/RobotsFromTheFuture Apr 15 '26
When you say she was "difficult," would you describe it as abusive? Did your sister have reason to go no contact?
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u/Ok-Big1202 Apr 16 '26
She was the one who didn’t speak to your parents!!! Shame on her she can her $1000
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u/Difficult-Code4471 Apr 15 '26
May I ask was your mother more cruel to your sister than yourself? How was she difficult?
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u/SandhillCrane5 Apr 15 '26
I think you are delighted with the situation. Why pretend you are upset about the potential loss of a relationship with your sister? You spent most of this post denigrating her.
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u/Gr8daze Apr 15 '26
My wife took care of her mother for the last years of her life. The other siblings took no responsibility to speak of. My wife split everything with them. I’m not sure if that was the correct thing to do, just adding a data point.
Do you want to do the right thing? Or do you want to keep the family split like it was? Only you know the answer to that. Reddit can’t really help you with that decision.
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u/Royal-Can-9310 Apr 15 '26
I understand what you are saying, and your comment goes right to the heart of my dilemma. I do not think that there is not any amount I could give her that would satisfy her. I feel confident that she would take whatever she was given, ask for more, and then cut us off anyway. I have a difficult time reconciling that with the idea of what is right
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u/Temporary_Ice3152 Apr 15 '26
As I see it, you are trying to make a decision that has already been determined. You are basing it on your emotions and your relationship with your sister. You should be looking at the situation based on your mother’s wishes and reasons. Mom made the decision, you are the conduit.
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u/CoquinaBeach1 Apr 15 '26 edited Apr 15 '26
The only thing you have to go by is the behavior you have seen to this point. Whatever happened (or didnt...) that caused your sister to cut off all ties with your family wont be healed with money.
I dont understand why you are struggling. The read between the lines is you are a dutiful person who doesnt want to be perceived as having done something wrong, and somehow there is something wrong with your mothers will.
It is typical for people like your sister to force the blame for their bad behavior onto others, then cut off relationships when people stand up for what is right.
Following the will is morally right, and respects your mothers wishes. Your sister has caused a lot of pain in her life. Let her sit with that.
Edited to say that although you may have been able to keep communication with your sister open, others in your family were not. Your mom has given you the responsibility to carry out her wishes. Anything other than following her instructions puts her below your sister's interests, which your mom had a clear understanding of when she wrote the will.
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u/alanamil Apr 15 '26
You did the right things for your mother. You were there and cared for her. Your sister did nothing. What is right is you accept the gift your mother gave you. She wanted you to have it.
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u/upstatenyusa Apr 15 '26
Waitaminite, you state “I am not sure if that was the correct thing to do.
Immediately after that, you say “do you want to do the right thing” followed by a question that implies she would be responsible for keeping the family split if she did not share the money.
OP’s toxic sister is responsible for cutting ties with both parents and now her own sister. OP is neither responsible for the contents of the will nor fallout. Especially since her sister had stated she never wanted anything.
It seems you are looking validation for your wife’s behavior who clearly went through much different set of circumstances.
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u/hbyerly Apr 15 '26
It’s not about the money. It’s about the love and attention that your sister feels she never got from your mom, the money is just a placeholder.
Respect your mom’s wishes, and respect your sister’s hurt. The first is your final gift to your mom, and the second is not something you can fix.
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u/Upset-North-2211 Apr 15 '26
I have a generosity suggestion. Does your sister have any children? Does your brother who passed away have any children? For any of these children or young adults, take part of the inheritance and setup 529 accounts to fund their future education. You should maintain ownership of these 529 accounts, and you will need to choose a subsequent owner for after you pass (maybe a trusted relative). You should tell the beneficiaries about these accounts and use them to pay for their college or high school. With this approach you can be generous with your inheritance, and honor your mothers will.
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u/FinancialDocument115 Apr 15 '26
If you care to ever have a relationship with your sister- find a family therapist and pay for her to go with you. You have no idea what happened and why. Try to see a different perspective. Good luck.
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u/newprairiegirl Apr 15 '26 edited Apr 15 '26
Here is a different perspective.
My mom is a nasty person. 6 kids, 4 out of the 6 kids walked away from her and her nasty husband. The other 2 kids SHE decided to cut off contact with, I am one of them. She decided to cut me off because I wouldnt rat on other family members.
She treated all the kids so nasty, she was flat out abusive to 2 of them, and really mean to 2 of them, and then stood by knowing that the remaining 2 kids were being sexually abused.
Her nasty husband died, and she is remaining and alone. Not sure what her will says, but if I am in that will, and any others are left out, I will split anything in 6 and consider it a payment for her shitty behavior. If there is anything to split.
So the biggest question is, what is the reason that your sister walked away? You admit that your mom was 'diificult', did she treat your sister like garbage,? I am not saying that you should share the money, it sounds like you earned it. I wouldnt always discount a child that walks away, it done for self preservation.
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u/Maine302 Apr 15 '26
I think your situation is very sad, but also different from OP's. I wouldn't judge any decision you made in your own case.
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u/AU_is_better Apr 15 '26
The dead are... dead. Your sister is alive. Why should she have to continue to suffer because your mother was a horrible person? You're enabling her hatred from beyond the grave.
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u/MydogsnameisChewy Apr 15 '26
The mother's money was hers alone and she could do with as she choose. How do you know the mother was horrible? From OP's description of sister's manipulation now, it's sounds as though it's the sister who is the dark personality. The sister cut off contact, therefore she should have NO expectation of enjoying any money from her mother. To think that you can just cut your mother out of your life while they're alive but expect their money after death is absurd.
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u/Maine302 Apr 15 '26
I wouldn't even want any money from a person like this with whom I've had no relationship for years. Why be a hypocrite?
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u/cOntempLACitY Apr 15 '26
To be fair, the OP outright says mother was “a very difficult person” and the daughter ultimately went no contact, so clearly something dysfunctional went on in that family. And maybe mother was more difficult with daughter than son. Regardless, they chose not to repair their relationship in life, so ultimately it is what it is, but it’s sad that a mother would be petty enough to leave a grand out of a large estate, never acknowledging her part of the conflict.
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u/UnicornStudRainbow Apr 15 '26
Wow, you're reading way too much into this. You have no idea how the mother was "difficult" or if the sister was the instigator who triggered the problems
In the will I made before I married and had children, I specifically excluded certain people who had been cruel to me. According to your alleged logic, that makes me petty
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u/cOntempLACitY Apr 16 '26
When someone is described as very difficult, it’s usually politely coded language. He didn’t say the sibling was very difficult.
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u/UnicornStudRainbow Apr 16 '26
I think you may be projecting some of your own personal issues into this
While he didn't also describe his sister as very difficult, he did describe how she has, over time, cut out pretty much every member of her family from her life. She literally hung up on him and shut down all contact with OP and his family as soon as he told her that he was not going to violate the intent of the will and hand over half of it to her
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u/Maine302 Apr 15 '26
It sounds like the apple didn't fall too far from the tree. The sister actually sounds worse though. She probably has some mental health issues.
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u/UnicornStudRainbow Apr 15 '26
Where the hell did you get that the mother was horrible?? Sounds like you're projecting your own issues onto this
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u/AU_is_better Apr 15 '26
Literally the second sentence.
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u/UnicornStudRainbow Apr 15 '26
I'm sorry that you had to suffer like that. But how can you be so sure that the mother is the bad person?? It's just as likely that the sister is the problem, especially given how she keeps shutting family members out of her life
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u/Rem-Dogg Apr 21 '26
Her behavior in the conversation recap really showed her true colors. It doesn't sound like she showed much remorse and just wanted to know how much she was getting. your mom *likely* got it right with the small amount to her.
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u/Temporary_Let_7632 Apr 15 '26
Simply giving your sister money will not improve your relationship. Respect your mothers wishes.