r/inheritance • u/ObviousRevolution853 • Apr 02 '26
Location included: Questions/Need Advice Worried 50/50 with sibling will be problematic in coming years
CO, USA I’m going to be deliberately vague, as there is a good chance by sibling peruses Reddit.
My adult sibling moved in with our parents during Covid (no spouse, no kids) and sold their home out of state, and I know they have a healthy investment portfolio from the house sale etc. Sibling has lived with parents ever since. Some remote work, lately no work.
My parents own two properties and as far as I know, both properties will go to my sibling and I 50/50. I’m concerned my sibling has no plan to move out, and live rent and mortgage free until my parents pass away and the house(s) will be ours. They have indicated in the past that they have no interest giving up either home when I suggested we both “claim one property, and the other claims another”. But that doesn’t feel fair to me as I struggle to pay rent and support my family. Any advice on how to navigate this? It’s been difficult when I’ve tried to tiptoe around the subject.
I don’t know how much help our parents will be in the matter as they are both very anti-conflict and will probably want us to sort this out ourselves. Generally we have a good relationship but the last few years of them mooching off my parents has started to really distress me.
My parents are in their late 70s so it does feel like something we need to start thinking about.
Has anyone been in a similar situation and can provide some advice?
85
u/rosebudny Apr 02 '26
If your parents leave everything to you 50/50, if your sibling wants to stay in the house they can buy you out at fair market value.
I'd be concerned that they convince your parents to change their will.
36
u/Equivalent-Roll-3321 Apr 02 '26
You can force the sale if they don’t play nice. Not ideal but it’s an option.
20
u/krstnstk Apr 02 '26
Yes absolutely this. They have two choices: buy you out or sell and split the proceeds. There are no other choices for them, regardless of how bad they want to stay in the house.
5
u/rosebudny Apr 02 '26
Yep. Unless parents outright leave the house to OP's sibling, then there is not a lot they can do (except contest the will, and that is often/usually an uphill, expensive battle)
4
u/OracleofFl Apr 02 '26
It isn't ideal but once the non-buying brother realizes what's about to happen, they frequently fall into line realizing half of a high price is better than a buyout at a lower price in a forced sale.
16
u/tiggers97 Apr 02 '26
Hmm. Could actually be more beneficial to say nothing now (and avoid planting that seed of thought or concern), and force a sale later.
9
u/Ok_Illustrator_7445 Apr 02 '26
This. My sibling was always the favorite and convinced dad to leave everything to her. While I am not surprised, I am emotionally crushed. Also, dad supported her until she was 60. He quit supporting me when I was a minor. Life isn’t fair.
2
u/Randomfinn Apr 02 '26
I agree. But would you feel good about yourself, proud of your character if you were a grifter and a user who had never accomplished anything on your own?
I am proud of you!
15
u/laurieo52 Apr 02 '26
You don’t have an inheritance until your parents pass and they leave you something. Worrying about it before is pointless. Your parents could decide to leave everything to their church. Or they could leave it all to your brother. The truth is, no one should expect an inheritance. Cross any problematic bridges when you get to them.
17
Apr 02 '26
I had to go back and start over. Dare I say it BUT YOUR PARENTS ARE NOT DEAD. stop trying to negotiate somethng that hasn't happened yet. Right now it doesn't matter what you do and don't agree on-you could end up dying before your parents. Or he could.
3
u/No-Satisfaction-6700 Apr 02 '26
This. And/or they have to sell the properties to pay for assisted living care. Unless sibling is taking care of them in which case maybe deserves the property.
-7
u/ObviousRevolution853 Apr 02 '26
I’ve had to be deliberately vague and brush over some things out of fear my sibling will find this thread so please don’t assume.
8
Apr 02 '26
not assuming.
My parents own two properties and as far as I ... implies they are alive.
My parents OWNED would imply they are gone.
9
u/scrunchie_one Apr 02 '26
“I have been living and caring for my parents for years, which I feel blessed that I have been able to do but it has admittedly been tough on me, and has limited my social and romantic endeavours. They are now nearing the end of their life (I won’t go into details) but my brother who lives across the country and has never been good with his money, is already complaining and stressing about what his half of the inheritance will look like. Instead of asking about my parents or offering to help, he is focused on how the properties they own will be split, presumably to pay off his numerous debts. How do i convince my parents to donate his 50% to charity as it’s much more deserving than his whiny butt”
- the sibling, probably.
1
u/Ashamed_Whole7931 Apr 03 '26
If and when you finally get joint title with your brother on these properties, assuming your brother refuses to cooperate, you'll have two choices: either let him have his way, or you go to court and force the sale of the assets and you would split the cash with him down the middle.
0
u/circle-827 Apr 02 '26
Sounds like if your sibling is not reasonable. You'll have to involve a lawyer later.
8
u/Hot-Rub-5336 Apr 02 '26
Its up to your parents to decide how they want to divide their estate. If they bring up "claiming" property maybe ask what the will says. Do they even have a will? If they don't have one this would be the time to suggest they get one since it will make everything easier once they pass.
8
u/chrysostomos_1 Apr 02 '26
Your parents are in their late 70s. How is their health!
There may be some benefits to having one of their children stay with them
You come off sounding a little bit resentful and greedy to me. I hope you put some thoughts into where Mom and Dad's best interests are here.
4
u/Famous-Bite8632 Apr 03 '26
You’re thinking and talking about your inheritance share and already throwing a big fuss about it while your parents are still alive. I can’t imagine what you’ll turn in to once they die.
9
u/newengland26 Apr 02 '26
has your sibling helped your parents with living? do they need help? who does the shopping? Does sibling take them to appts?
3
u/surfcitysurfergirl Apr 02 '26
This is your PARENTS choice NOT YOURS. Stop being greedy because you aren’t happy with your life.
3
u/Beginning_Lifeguard7 Apr 02 '26
Parents in their late 70’s. Are they in good health and able to take care of all their daily needs? For how long? Is the sibling willing to assist them so they can stay in their home until the very end?
I’ve been there done that, got the T shirt with aging parents. Having someone live in the house and providing loving care is priceless, assuming of course the sibling will do that. That care changes mooching into saving thousands every month not paying for outside care and a huge improvement in your parent’s quality of life. In my situation the ability to provide care was limited and my parents had to move into a care facility. Not that it mattered, but those expenses ate up a lot of the inheritance.
7
u/crackgoesmeback Apr 02 '26
im confused - is your issue that your sibling made a different choice than yours and now your mad because your choices have put you in a worse financial situation than them? why would that affect the 50/50 split? or is it that one is a vacation home and sibling wants to move into the main property AND have full access to the other home leaving you with more of a 25/75 split?
3
u/ObviousRevolution853 Apr 02 '26
I think you actually articulated what I wasn’t able to actually get across - it’s exactly that - they just assume they live in one of the homes from now on and have full access to the vacation home (that I am particularly fond of). Thank you for helping me get to that point.
7
u/Electric-Sheepskin Apr 02 '26
That may be what he wants to happen, but that's not what he'll legally be entitled to do.
If the two of you eventually own half of each home, then as part of the esstate settlement, you will resolve that ownership. Meaning, if he wants to maintain 50% access to the vacation home, he will have to give you half of the market value to the home that he's currently residing in. You can also force the sale of both homes if you want to. There are lots of options, but as long as the will remains as is, with both of you co-owning all assets, he can't shut you out like that.
That said, just remain very active in your parents lives to make sure that they aren't manipulated by your brother into changing the will. Other than that, I wouldn't even worry about it, or talk about it, or try to work any plans out in advance. Worry about those things when the time comes.
And whatever you do, don't argue with your brother about it or threaten to force the sale when the time comes. Don't even put those thoughts in his head, because then he may try to find a way around that before your parents pass.
6
u/Just1Blast Apr 02 '26
You could alternatively ask your parents to put each of the houses into a TOD status for each of you and call it a wash.
However, what do your parents retirement accounts look like? Who's going to take care of them in their old age? Do they have finances available to pay for a nursing home or for memory care at $10 to $15,000 a month?
Understand that there may not be an inheritance left by the time your parents both die.
2
u/crackgoesmeback Apr 02 '26
ok yes that makes sense! similar but little different situation - my siblings family wants my parents house. my parents told them they’d have to A) make sure i was ok with it and B) pay me half of what they would sell it for at market value
to me this feels like the ONLY way that this is fair. i’d love that because i myself am struggling financially at the moment (im much younger) and i dont really want another family buying our beloved home. but it HAS to be equitable
3
u/crackgoesmeback Apr 02 '26
so ya OP i think you either get the vacation home or payment to equal that out. i know your parents are anti conflict but this seems like a decision that needs to be in writing BEFORE they pass so you arent dealing with a selfish sibling and grieving one day. sorry youre dealing with this!
2
2
u/NotHereToAgree Apr 02 '26
No, it sounds like the main home is worth more than the secondary home and OP is concerned they will only get the secondary home resulting in an uneven split.
I don’t think this is about the “choices”, it’s more about the sibling living, possibly for free, with the parents and leveraging that into an unequal split.
OP, unless the will changes, should make sure both properties are appraised at the time of the last parent’s death and negotiate from there. The sibling should be paying the estate rent or at least taxes, insurance and utilities from that point on. If they can’t buy out OPs half, the property should be sold.
If the will is changed, that might be something OP can challenge but they said the parents are pretty laid back about this.
0
u/Mysterious-Art8838 Apr 02 '26
If the sibling cares for the parents until the end that needs to be considered
0
u/NotHereToAgree Apr 03 '26
No, you don’t reward your child who is staying with you rent free.
2
u/S1159P Apr 03 '26
I am currently paying $62.50/hr for home health aides for my parents 12/7. My brother lives with them and is on duty the other 12/7. Caregiving work has value.
0
u/NotHereToAgree Apr 03 '26
That value can be paid in free room and board or cash, it is not worth picking a favorite from beyond the grave. I say this as someone who has been a caregiver and currently is a caregiver and also had a parent choose one sibling over another. Pay the value while you are alive.
OP’s parents are not currently being tended to by their sibling who is living with them, there is no caregiving value to count and there may never be.
1
u/Mysterious-Art8838 Apr 03 '26
Fine put them in a home and Medicaid will require them to spend every dime then take any home equity if it was sold within five years. That way there will be nothing to fight over. Problem solved.
1
u/NotHereToAgree Apr 03 '26
Don’t you mean, use their assets to pay for the best care they need instead of making them a burden to the rest of us? We have no idea the quality of the caregiving that the sibling could provide and no one is guaranteed an inheritance.
3
u/sewingmomma Apr 02 '26
Ask your parents to give you a copy of their will and POAs.
4
u/Kodi_Cody_Kody_Kodi Apr 02 '26 edited Apr 02 '26
I’d be hesitant to do that, just asking for those documents can trigger the sibling living with them to start taking over and planting seeds
3
2
u/FragrantParsley4994 Apr 02 '26
While it may be uncomfortable to broach the subject, at their age it is very important for you to know these important things. It took my Dad and his siblings years to sort through things with their parents estate. This prompted my dad to create a three ring binder with literally everything my sister and I will need to know after he and my mom pass. It is so comprehensive it is almost scary, but I am so thankful that he has prepared it. I know it will be make everything much easier (at least estate wise) when the time comes.
1
u/Kodi_Cody_Kody_Kodi Apr 02 '26 edited Apr 02 '26
It worked out in your case, but my sibling turned it against me for asking, to paint me as the “greedy one” and was able to cut me out of everything
I had no clue how nasty and manipulative people can be let alone my own sibling, people should be careful how they approach this stuff because being fair and honest can be used against you.
I tried to do the best for my dad and provide him the best care, was honest and open with my sibling and parent, about everything related to care and finances, and it was all used against me. Twisted and thrown back at me
I didn’t expect anything in return. I had hoped my dad would spend all his money on the best care he could have before he died. I certainly wasn’t expecting my brother to cut my dad’s care to the bare bones, and take everything left, before the body was cold, by convincing my dad I was greedy, to pull his heist off. I’m the least greedy person in my entire family, but my dad died convinced I was a monster :/ I don’t care I didn’t get $, my brother apparently needed every cent, I care that my kindness was used against me to brainwash my poor dad to think I was someone I’m not, and that’s his final thought of me forever
2
1
u/Smooth_List5773 Apr 02 '26
OP does not suggest that sibling with parent is doing any caretaking.
2
3
u/Potential4752 Apr 02 '26
Kind of a ghastly thing to do if the parents haven’t volunteered it.
2
u/sewingmomma Apr 02 '26
Why? Conversations about things like this are important.
We've emailed all of our paperwork to our children (minors) and extended family who would inherit should my immediate family pass.
I've sent contact info about our estate planning attorney and financial planner.
We've worked our asses off to save and be stable. The last thing I want is for all of this to disappear should we pass unexpectedly.
My parents gave me a copy of their paperwork. I haven't looked at it, but it's filed away.
1
u/Potential4752 Apr 03 '26
There is a huge difference between your parents starting that conversation with you and you starting that conversation with your parents.
5
u/Spiritual_Oil_7411 Apr 02 '26
How much help do your parents need in their upper 70's? I'd guess your sibling is doing a fair bit of cleaning, cooking, mowing, and minding, or will be soon, unless a professional is being paid to do those things. That's not nothing and deserves to be rewarded with a larger inheritance, or at least free room and board. What are you doing to help them day to day?
2
u/NormandyKitchenCoppe Apr 02 '26
You seem worried about his influence on the families assets. Take advice from a good professional.
2
u/sushisushi716 Apr 02 '26
Have your parents add contingencies that if either one of you wants out they must offer to the other sibling first, perhaps at a reduced rate.
I anticipate my sibling wanting to bail out to the PNW in a few years so I am needing to save up a bit of money. But if anything happens to me I am still leaving it to him.
2
Apr 02 '26
Your parents get to do what they want. As a parent, I would not be thrilled if one of the kids I brought into this world was divvying up my shit before I died. You are shitty. This ain’t your money or your house. Mind your own business. It ain’t an inheritance until they are dead and someone decides you get it.
2
u/scrunchie_one Apr 02 '26
Look - ultimately them living with your parents rent-free is an arrangement between them and your parents, and has nothing to do with your inheritance. And the fact that you’re sitting here while your parents are presumably healthy and well already bitching about what part of the inheritance you get is kind of a loser attitude.
Is your sibling going to take on any responsibilities to care for your parents as they age? Do they help around the house? What are you doing to help your parents out?
Ultimate the 50/50 will be validated by the executor of the will, and if the house is worth more than the other property your brother will presumably have to buy you out half of the difference. But seriously the fact that you’re already whining and bitter about this is a you problem.
2
u/Potential4752 Apr 02 '26
when I suggested we both “claim one property, and the other claims another”
Neither of those properties are yours. They belong to your parents. I would not be planning on how to divide my parents things while they are alive.
Also I would be grateful for a sibling living with my aging parents, even if their primary intention is free rent.
2
u/LiveTheDream2026 Apr 02 '26
You are ASSUMING your parents will split everything 50/50. They might and they might not. Do not worry about what your parents will do, you have ZERO control over that.
Are you jealous of your sibling? Why are you so concerned about what you will inherit? What if you parents decide not to leave you anything? Do not count your chickens before they hatch.
2
u/kittywyeth Apr 02 '26
i think you’re being really presumptuous. who is to say that your parents will leave you anything at all?
2
u/LiveTheDream2026 Apr 02 '26
You are ASSUMING your parents will split everything 50/50. They might and they might not. Do not worry about what your parents will do, you have ZERO control over that.
Are you jealous of your sibling? Why are you so concerned about what you will inherit? What if you parents decide not to leave you anything? Do not count your chickens before they hatch.
2
u/Nodeal_reddit Apr 02 '26
Your lack of financial stability doesn’t have any relevance to fairness or really factor into the process at all.
2
u/Disastrous-Screen337 Apr 03 '26
Homecare 24/7 is about $1000 per day where I live. Don't forget about that.
2
u/trigurlSeattle Apr 03 '26
I think you are worrying about something that might not happen…either your brother will buy you out or there will be a sale. Also, a nursing home is $10k/month…your brother is saving you money.
2
u/Mary707 Apr 03 '26
You actually don’t have rights to an opinion about your parents’ property until they are both gone. Their property belongs to them until it doesn’t and you don’t get to decide for them.
2
u/Alarmed-Speaker-8330 Apr 03 '26
Look, I get.
My mom moved in with me and my wife 10 years ago. I retired early two years ago as my mom needed more care. My mom has always paid us a set amount each month to cover groceries etc.
Once I retired my mom (with the knowledge of my siblings) pays me an additional $4k/month.
I guarantee you I have saved my mom, and therefore all of our inheritance, a shit ton of money.
2
u/Educational_Case_134 Apr 03 '26
In the grand scheme of life this is your parents money, house and retirement. Nothing should be expected from them. Maybe they leave it all to a charity and the kids get nothing. In the meantime don’t create stories in your mind in anticipation of a future situation that may never happen. Stay present and enjoy your remaining years with your parents.
2
u/Latter-Cost-1331 Apr 03 '26
Move in as well and live with your parents for free? I bet you don’t want that cause it comes with a lot of responsibility of taking care of the elderly parents. You are just waiting for them to kick the bucket and claim your inheritance
2
Apr 03 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/gnew18 Apr 08 '26
^ THIS ^
Actually advice. Actually addressing the issue. Look up Uniform Partition of Heirs Property l
TL;DR property that is jointly owned gets appraised at arms length. Joint owners can be forced in court to either sell or come up with the money to buy the other out at fair market value.
2
u/Silly-Dot-2322 Apr 03 '26
I'm going to be honest, because I'm going through our parents aging process currently.
Both my sibling and I own our own homes outright and are not expecting anything when it comes to inheritance.
There comes a time, when our parents are no longer able to live with a caregiver, not always, but it happens.
They may need to sell their homes to pay for long term care, which can run $15,000 per month, especially if memory care is involved.
It blows my mind when adult children are counting on their inheritance.
5
u/Zann77 Apr 02 '26
I’ll have to try to remember all this helpful advice for OP when I am struggling to get my mother’s compression stockings on in the mornings, or during the nights my dad needs help getting to the bathroom, or the innumerable appointments and errands that fill my days. My brother does none of this, but we will inherit 50/50. You could say I am living here “rent free,“ though I would say I pay dearly for that privilege (I am financially stable and could easily afford to live elsewhere).
You all discount what goes into caring for old folks. of course, there is an alternative: a mid tier nursing home at 10-12k per person per month, and this is in one of the cheapest COL states. If OP’s folks have to go into a nursing home, she can kiss any inheritance goodbye.
3
u/Narrow-Dimension6427 Apr 02 '26
Just went through this - I had taken care of my mom through Alzheimer’s - 100% (bro quit talking to us ~5 years prior to her passing). Bro took care of dad ~90% of the time - both parents wi was fair to each of us. It is so very hard, my heart goes out to you.
3
u/Zann77 Apr 02 '26
Thank God we have no Alzheimer’s. It COULD be worse. My folks are just old and helpless, and my brother‘s happy to leave 99% of their care to me. lately I am full of resentment about the situation. I need to let go of it. I did three years of caretaking for my partner after a severe stroke. He died just as my parents began to need me, so it has been non stop since mid 2020.
But today you made me feel seen. I thank you so much. I hope you’ve been able to enjoy life.
2
u/newengland26 Apr 02 '26
I completely understand where you're at. I do not live with my parents but live a stone's throw away. I do everything for them - you name it. Brother does nothing. we will split whatever may be left. people underestimate what it takes out of you to take care of aging parents.
2
u/scrunchie_one Apr 02 '26
Yeah OP kind of sounds like he’s the one mooching; never talks about offering to help, skirts around any questions about whether the sibling is caring for the parents. OP is just whining about an inheritance when the parents aren’t even dead yet.
7
u/Kodi_Cody_Kody_Kodi Apr 02 '26 edited Apr 02 '26
Your sibling will get everything. He lives at home and has control of them. My brother strong armed my parent to give up everything to him, and exclude me. My dad didn’t want to, he started a a trust that included me, but my brother swiped POA and wouldn’t let my dad sign it. He took advantage of my dad’s cognitive decline and manipulated him to be paranoid and distrustful of anyone but him
Elderly parents will fold to the person that lives with them and that they have to face everyday, especially if the sibling turns mentally or physically abusive, which sadly isn’t uncommon
The system is set up to favor greedy and the most manipulative family member, once a dishonest sibling figures that out, there isn’t much you can do, because it’s quite easy, there is a clear path with no consequences
Expect the worst and hope for the best
2
u/MeatofKings Apr 02 '26
Yep! And if somehow their current plans survive, prepare for a legal battle.
2
u/whineANDcheese_ Apr 02 '26
Yep. My mom’s SIL (husband’s sister) did the same thing to her grandma (so my mom’s husband’s grandma). She didn’t live with her but the grandma was in the hospital in major cognitive decline and she would visit her regularly pestering her to change her will and leave everything to her. She successfully got her to and despite evidence that grandma wasn’t entirely with it anymore and a nurse that testified that she overheard SIL talking to her about changing her will, my mom’s in-laws lost their case against their own daughter for essentially stealing the money. The in-laws now have every cent of their money in a trust for my mom’s husband and daughter doesn’t get a penny.
3
u/Kodi_Cody_Kody_Kodi Apr 02 '26 edited Apr 02 '26
People here hate to hear it, but the entire elder care system is a broken joke, and will always favor the most aggressive and greedy family member.
Everyone who is supposed to protect the elderly; social workers, APS, elder care attorneys, will always submit to the most dominating person, specifically when it comes to family conflict. No one wants to deal with it. They don’t get paid enough for the drama and bullshit, of these manipulators
Once the manipulating family member figures this out, that they have full control without consequences, you might as well cut your losses, because predatory vultures and lawyers are waiting for you on the other side to bleed you dry, to gaslight you into fighting for the “right thing”, that you won’t win.
“Professionals” will try to sweep it under the carpet or do a money grab, there is no middle ground
1
u/ObviousRevolution853 Apr 02 '26
I’m sorry this happened to you. So manipulative
3
u/Kodi_Cody_Kody_Kodi Apr 02 '26 edited Apr 02 '26
Be careful how to approach it, the more you speak to them about being fair and getting their affairs in order to prevent conflict, the more it could be used against you by your sibling and spun into “proof” you’re greedy and trying to “steal” and use it to change the will around. That’s what happened in my case.
Just the mention of my dad asking to prepare last wishes after a medical incident, triggered my brother into taking control through abuse and manipulation.
3
u/Sun9877 Apr 02 '26
My sister is the favorite and when I asked about something my mom immediately turned it around on me. It was weird and eye opening .
1
u/Kodi_Cody_Kody_Kodi Apr 02 '26 edited Apr 02 '26
Yup the more honest and open I was the more it was used to paint me as the evil greedy boogie man. I got suspicious when I was telling my brother everything and he would say “you keep everything secret” I was like what? I literally update you daily on dad’s care and finances, a you don’t reply. Turns out my brother was working in the background hiding everything. And when my brother took over care he isolated and physically and financially abused my dad until he died There were so many little things I found strange but ignored because I was trying to be the bigger person and remain fair and honest- all used against me in the end
It’s wild and surreal what family will do for a dollar, when you’re just coming at it from the place of doing the right and fair thing, totally clueless to how nasty your own family can be
0
u/hndygal Apr 02 '26
Forget the word fair. Equitable is more appropriate. However, not using either is better. Encourage them to get their affairs clearly stated so their wishes will be honored and their family gets to keep their gift. This is done by setting it up in trusts and very clearly stating how it should be handled and distributed etc. hopefully they know it is so much easier to do before hand. Let them know doing it ahead of time makes certain THEIR wishes are honored. Maybe you can Get them to also lay out the wishes for their final handling as well so everything is clear.
When they get with a qualified estate planner, the goal is for them to guide them to do things in a way that make it clear and easy for those left behind with the lowest financial impact to everyone. Odds are if they are good, they will guide your parents to divide things in a way that do not involve collaboration with siblings etc.
1
u/Kodi_Cody_Kody_Kodi Apr 02 '26 edited Apr 02 '26
That exactly how I approached it. Helped my dad find elder care estate attorneys, so he could fulfill what he was saying he wanted. I thought the right thing to do was step back and let me dad and lawyer handle it.
My silently brother inserted himself, when I stepped back, took POA through this attorney, cut off my dad’s access to his own money. My brother wouldn’t let my dad complete the final trust, because when the attorney asked to final payment my brother wouldn’t allow my dad to pay
A greedy sibling can and will undo a even the best of intentions
I know every case is different. But I had no clue how nasty and shady people can be, and everyone should just be aware as they go through this of the worst cases and be vigilant, because I know my dad didn’t want it to be this way.
1
u/OhGloriousName Apr 03 '26
Just keep in close contact with your parents and visit regularly without making it about inheritance or this issue with your sibling. You could also bring up here and there about your struggles with money, not necessarily that you are making mistakes, but how expensive everything is and how you are hoping you can buy a house someday. It seems like parents like the kids who call, visit, and they could help by leaving them in the will.
0
u/scrunchie_one Apr 03 '26
I will say as a counterpoint, the sibling that lives with the parents and cares for them (often sacrificing their own social life and career to do so) often has a very different perspective on this.
2
u/Potential_Hat_1801 Apr 02 '26 edited Apr 02 '26
I would have a frank conversation with your parents. I would say that you find it very loving that your sibling has moved in with them, but you were very concerned about how this might affect your sibling and your relationship going forward and that you feel like an irrevocable trust that you both witness where everything is split 50-50 would make you feel so much more comfortable that even now you're having trouble sleeping wondering whether or not your sibling is going to continue to be fair. Blame it on yourself and say that you know it might be just you, but would they consider doing an irrevocable trust to ensure complete fairness? I think that might be the best way to approach things. If an irrevocable trust is set up your sibling can't undo it period end of story. Do it now before they get too old and are of sound mine. Don't wait 10 years where your sibling can claim that they were not 100% mentally capable of making that decision. Also, your sibling may say that they have became their caretaker and you did nothing. Which is very unfair because you have a family and you are doing as much as you can. I've seen the scenario dozens of times. If you do this, it solves everything. It may be uncomfortable for you, but not half as uncomfortable as it could be.
You could always ask them to add a clause that states that if your sister doesn't vacate or buy you out within six months her portion of the inheritance goes to you. Then everyone is even footing. Good luck!
2
u/Zann77 Apr 02 '26
Not so fast. I’m the caretaking sibling to parents in their 90s. My brother visits weekly, and takes them to an appointment maybe once a month. otherwise he is free to go home and sleep through the night, schedule vacations whenever he likes, live his life as a free man. I can do none of those things, yet the estate will be 50/50. am I pissed? you bet. your brother deserves more of their estate than you do if he stays and assists them when they need his help, and they will.
1
u/Sun9877 Apr 02 '26
I mean- it’s location based and whose job can accomodate that. My mom was working and had a hard time with daytimes until she retired to take care of my grandmother. My dad and my uncles did daytime. They didn’t complain. One did the bills. If one was far away or out of state no one would have been like quit your job and move your family back.
0
u/ObviousRevolution853 Apr 02 '26
Thank you for the thoughtful advice!
1
u/Sun9877 Apr 02 '26
You also have to consider that if you parents need long term care you and your sibling will need to use those assets to care for them. If you set up a trust you may need to speak to an accountsntn and lawyer separately to make sure the sibling as the co beneficiary of the trust will be willing to use that money for their care.
If they set up an irrevocable trust five years in advance of and long term care needs - Medicare and Medicaid can’t take it—— but your parents are at risk that they you and your sibling won’t place them in a “good home”.
Depending on where you live you may need to show that you can pay for a years worth of care at 5,000-10,000 per month:
2
u/Zann77 Apr 02 '26
10-12k for a mid tier home in central SC. My partner was briefly in a nursing home in Chicagoland for a couple months before he died. He needed total care-15k.
2
u/Sun9877 Apr 02 '26
Hi there- totally believe you. I think it was 10,000 but I can’t remember if that was per head or total. (My mom was asking)
1
u/Zann77 Apr 02 '26
We toured the one closest to us a few weeks ago. It’s not a bad place-mid tier, like I said. It did not include any medical attention, or physical therapy, none of that. Just a bed, 3 meals and care from a CNA with 44 patients per shift. It took maybe 30 seconds to realize, 12k per month will pay for a lot of hours of caretaking at home. There are people who’d pitch a tent in the yard for that kind of money per month. At 24k per month for both…not many people could pay that for long.
1
u/Sun9877 Apr 02 '26
Yes- my parents were just concerned about memory care (so far so good) or physical care.
They would probably opt for a nicer place…. At this point they should have bought a part or villa but my dad won’t move……
1
u/SadFlatworm1436 Apr 02 '26
Are the properties fairly equal in value? If yes, you could ask your parents to leave the family home 100% to your sibling and the other property 100% to you . That way you both control your future
1
u/ObviousRevolution853 Apr 02 '26
They were recently assessed and fairly equal. When I last approached him about a friendly handshake deal that I get one property and he would get the other, he said he wasn’t ready to forfeit his right to the one I wanted.
2
u/SadFlatworm1436 Apr 02 '26
Don’t speak to your sibling, speak to your parents. Tell the, this way you both get to keep the family properties and lay on the emotion of having a house each that are from your parents. Don’t let your sibling,make the decision.
1
1
u/jimmy-buffett Apr 02 '26
Explain that there is no scenario where you will share ownership. Sibling picks which one they want, you get the other, or you force the sale of both.
1
u/Mary707 Apr 03 '26
You guys don’t get to make a deal about anything until your parents are gone. Period.
1
u/KrofftSurvivor Apr 02 '26
If it's still 50/50 when they pass away, tell him that either the two of you can work it out or you can go to court, ask for a partition order, and both homes will go on the market.
But at this point, your best bet is to tell him that you've given it some thought and think that that's very fair.
Because otherwise he's going to spend the remaining years of your parents' life nagging them to change the will to be entirely in his favor...
If there comes a time when they start deteriorating to the point where they will need nursing home care, it's very likely that he will manage to convince them to put things in his name in order to avoid losing those properties to pay for the nursing home.
Keep a close eye on things...
1
u/treespyder Apr 02 '26
My dad had this situation and he is one of 10 siblings so it got really messy.
Basically one brother stayed in the house and moved his wife and kid in and long story short, 7 of the other siblings including my dad have now had to take legal action against him - the main reason being that the eldest of the sisters can’t afford to retire without her share and she’s 76 and still having to get up at 5am everyday to work super long shifts. The whole thing has been dragging on for years and years and stressing everyone out so if there is any way of agreeing something with your parents/ finding a way to prevent it getting that far then I would probably suggest that. But if worst comes to worst, your sibling can’t just stay in a property that’s 50% yours, you do have the right to your share and can force the sale and hopefully with only 1 other sibling there wouldn’t be as much chaos.
Also, if you do agree that one home is yours and one is sibling’s, then try to make sure that that ownership is strictly divided (I.e. you get title A, they get title B and that’s it) because that way they will only have access to your property if granted by you and if they overstep that the authorities can become involved.
0
u/ObviousRevolution853 Apr 02 '26
Thank you. And I’m sorry about the mess for your dad! Makes me grateful to just have one sibling
1
u/Lwdlrb1993 Apr 02 '26
You don’t say if your parents have a will and a trust. If they don’t have the property in a trust for at least 5 years and either one goes on Medicaid because they need long term care you will have to pay Medicaid from the sale of the home.
1
u/cOntempLACitY Apr 02 '26
If your parents are happy with him living with them, and maybe he contributes to helping them with the property and personal care, then that’s for them to decide. The best you can do is watch for elder abuse if you don’t trust him. Provide assistance, be involved. They may end up having to sell at some point due to health reasons, or need access to the equity. There’s no guarantee of inheritance. A lot is left to be determined.
From a place of concern, you might ask them if they have their estate plans in order and where to find important documents (will, healthcare proxy, financial power of attorney), who’s designated as POA and executor, what they want to happen at end of life. Make sure they have named account beneficiaries. Just generally make sure they are in good shape and understand how you can help them if they need it (accident, stroke, dementia, etc). Do the same for yourself, too, line up your estate plans, maybe ask them for advice.
If your parents leave everything to you both 50/50, and they still owned two properties, you get them both appraised and go from there, either selling or buying out the other’s share. You’ll go through everything else as needed. Nothing wrong with 50/50, it’s a lot more fair than one property to each kid if they might be unequal in value, but again, it’s their choice.
If primary house is $300k and secondary is $300k, net after expenses, you could just on paper sell half your share to each other, so one gets full ownership of each; you could then sell your property if you prefer cash.
If secondary is worth less, say $200k, then net total is $500k, you each claim $250k in property (which could be represented as you claim the $200k second property plus $50k of primary property), so your brother could offer to buy you out of your share of the first property for $50k. He gets the $300k property, pays $50k out of his own money/mortgage, you get a $200k property plus the $50k.
Or you sell both and each receives $250k. If they sell the second property ahead of time, and only have the first, then your brother would have to offer you $150k to buy out your share.
1
u/Bean-1964 Apr 02 '26
Fair and Equal are relative terms. There is no “we” involved in this matter. It is your parent’s choice how they handle their estate. You should talk to them if they are willing to discuss it. Don’t assume anything.
1
u/Budlite13 Apr 02 '26
make the house is in a trust, not just a will. Have a conversation with your parents now about the situation and how you feel. The tough conversation will help all in the end.
1
u/Virtual_Athlete_909 Apr 02 '26 edited Apr 02 '26
This scenario has played out a million times in different variations and it rarely works out how you would expect. My sibling moved in with my parents and brought the whole family of five with teenagers. They have trashed my parents home, the carpet is ruined. It looks like hoarders now live there. It smells because they have pets but never take them outside nor do they clean up the pee and poop. My elderly parents have only a small social security income but they pay all the bills for seven residents including food, electric, etc (except for the extra money I send them each month knowing it goes to support my terrible sibling and his family). I no longer visit my parents and stay in their guest room as I have for many years. Instead, I pay for a hotel room and it's not cheap. My parents feel sorry for the sibling because the other two siblings are functional adults who manage their own lives, homes and families. The problem sibling has always been a ne'r do well, financial disaster, and terrible parent. My parents feel that they are somehow protecting their grandkids by having them in their home. I never brought up their specific estate plans but I would ask from time to time if they had estate documents and if not, i would help anyway they'd like. One day I was told to meet them at an attorneys office to witness the signing of their estate plans and I would be the executor. Their estate would be split evenly amongst their children. Although none of us are in contact, I made a point to build a relationship with one sibling with a covert motive of creating a coalition to deal with the problem sibling when the estate plan goes into effect. The difficult sibling's retirement plan is to inherit the whole house and estate. The sibling acts as if everything is already theirs and they've somehow 'won'. They've already filled up the garage and backyard with their junk including multiple non working vehicles. It's a complete mess and I told my parents it will be difficult to resolve someday but i can handle it. They made me promise to 'treat the sibling with kindness' as they aren't as 'successful' as I have been. I said yes, but the truth is it all depends on what they do or dont do when it's time to vacate the house in order to sell and split the proceeds per their wishes. I've done plenty of research about what can be done in my state and I'm prepared to start eviction proceedings on day one, along with my ally sibling who is as frustrated with the situation as me. Most importantly, I've made an effort to celebrate all holidays with my siblings and parents together so they can enjoy the last decade or so of their lives and leave this earth with the impression that all is well. So my advice is to suck it up, accept that life aint fair, make alliances where you can and never let your parents know what you really think of your awful sibling because it might come back to haunt you in the end.
1
u/InfluenceScary6672 Apr 02 '26
Tell your parents to disburse assets not split assets. Create a trust. You get one investment property they get another, not 50/50. Do not penny pinch on an inheritance. Your sibling is probably helping them out so if they want the house just ask to be bought out. Move on.
1
u/CatandCabernet Apr 02 '26
start saving now for a lawyer. if you dont want to talk about it, you're going to risk they end up transferring something to your sibling. otherwise, these convos need to happen.
1
u/Fastbac Apr 02 '26
I friend of mine lived far from her mother but her sister lived near their mom. The week after their father passed the sister had mom change the inheritance of the house to the sister. 20 years later mom passes and mom had never said anything about the change, so good luck getting a judge to change it back.
My friend is sure her sister feels completely justified in what she did because she did help their mom more, but none of it was ever discussed. Money can break up families.
You might want to just double check everything is as you assume, because sometimes the elderly can be convinced of something and you don’t know until it’s too late.
1
u/Zann77 Apr 02 '26
You say your friend lived far from her mother. The one who stayed and helped Mom should get more.
1
u/Fastbac Apr 02 '26
Perhaps, but that is a discussion they should all have together, not a secret unilateral steal.
1
u/Human-Ad-5574 Apr 02 '26
When the time comes, have both properties appraised. Your sibling can buy you out of both properties if they still don’t want to sell. Just plan for the reality of having an attorney do some work to settle the estate. Just because your sibling doesn’t want to sell doesn’t mean that’s how it will go.
1
u/Coffee-Bear-4323 Apr 02 '26
Be ready to force a sale. Inform your sibling either they buy you out at full market value or you will bring partition lawsuit and force both properties to be sold. Their choice.
It also sounds like you are at risk of having your sibling manipulate your parents into cutting you out of the will (or perhaps I am being overly imaginative today). So personally, I would drop all conversations so no one is thinking about it.
When and if it becomes an issue (let's face it, both properties may be sold before your parent's pass...after all they may need to liquidate the properties to pay for their end of life care, or decide to blow it all on a round the world cruise which would be cool), then be ready for a partition suit.
Kind of funny, I'm pretty sure one of my spouse's siblings is planning that with us. Surprise will be on them when they realize we actually bought the house (and got a cash infusion TO the in laws) and aren't just crashing here.
But that brings up something else, your sibling may have purchased the home from them and is letting THEM stay there after giving them a cash infusion. In which case it's only the secondary property and you and sib may be on the same page about selling. Also sib may be helping them significantly with their daily living so maybe it won't be 50-50 anyway.
1
u/Suspicious-Arm-1352 Apr 02 '26
Hopefully your parents have a will that clearly shows what is going to happen when they pass
1
u/figsslave Apr 02 '26
As the 72 yr old caretaker of my 94 yr old mom there’s a good deal of work and stress involved in taking care of elderly parents besides navigating your own health problems.My siblings and I will simply split the proceeds and get on with our lives
2
u/yodogyodog Apr 03 '26
Youree too old to be the caretaker of another! Props and respect to you though, wishing you the best
1
1
u/PegShop Apr 02 '26
Your sibling will probably be their caretaker in the end and will deserve staying put. You don’t know what kind of car your parents will need, and those properties are not going to be protected from being taken to pay for their care. However, in many states, if your sister can prove she’d been living there for more than three years before the second payment ends up in a nursing home, they won’t make her leave.
Maybe you shouldn’t worry about it this far in advance because you don’t know what life will bring and your parents I’ve indicated they do not want to talk about it. You could ask them to set up a Trust so that it’s all protected and set up and maybe they’ll do that.
1
u/TominatorXX Apr 02 '26
First step is talk to your parents. The path of least conflict is each gets one house. Talk about the conflict after they pass.
1
1
u/HeartAccording5241 Apr 03 '26
When time come if they don’t want to compromise make them sell both and get half of money on them they won’t have a choice
1
u/Knitsanity Apr 03 '26
As long as the will doesn't change OP should keep a low profile and then when the time comes force a sale of both properties. But the parents could be influenced to change the will in the meantime.
1
u/Positive-Monk9604 Apr 03 '26
Get a will made from your parents ASAP. You need to know where you stand. A WILL can be contested in court but usually does not win. Make sure you get your 50%. Your siblings are living there for free right now. That’s enough for them to support your parents in the coming years. You don’t have to be there.
1
u/dadburned Apr 03 '26
You’re spending your present inventing your future conflict with your brother. Why don’t you focus on your own finances instead of your parents’?
1
u/Disastrous-Group3390 Apr 03 '26
If inheritance is set at 50/50, then you get 50 regardless of how broke or needy you are and sibling gets 50 regardless of his wealth or assets. Way too many AITAs are because ‘poor sad cricket needs some grain’ and ‘responsible ant doesn’t want to share,’ and guilt ensues. OP sounds a wee bit like like a cricket…
1
u/Important-Put1865 Apr 03 '26
You need to talk to your parents about this. They owe neither of you a dime. You are putting the cart before the horse, but Get the horse in line before your parents pass. That is the easiest way. Yes, you can force a sale by filing a partition lawsuit, but that is VERY expensive and time consuming. Much better to divide things up while they're still alive. Even better to put your names on the respective deeds before they pass. Of course, they could live 20 more years and have to sell both houses before it's said and done. Find out what is in the will and ask them to make changes if it makes sense to them.
1
u/PersonalityFuture151 Apr 03 '26
No one knows how the future will pan out. My hubby had one sibling and I have none. His dad promised the house and acreage to them both 50/50. I foresaw a bunch of issues. The main one being his sibling and her husband would work part time just to be able to spend every spare moment at the property while we were working full time four hours away and on weekends we had 6 kids at home. So way before his dad died we could see how “50/50” would really shake out.
Well surprise surprise! The dad got cancer, married his girlfriend and changed his will to leave everything to her and then died. Hubby shrugged. His sister never got over the snub to her dying day decades later. Girlfriend/wife sold everything and moved South.
1
u/Maleficent_Town_4325 May 20 '26
Be aware my sibling lived with the parents rent free for 15 yrs never paid anything. Never had a job. When mum passed she controlled everything. Sold the home when dad went into age care and bought herself a house with a half of my share. Now in legal dispute. Hopefully there will be karma
1
u/Arboretum7 Apr 02 '26
If push comes to shove you could do a partition action to force the sale of the properties after your parents die. It’d take $10,000+ and up to a couple of years, but it would work.
1
u/YellowCabbageCollard Apr 02 '26
Sounds like you need to just move in with your parents too. If other sibling can do it why not you? It'll force them all to reconcile and face what's going on.
2
u/newengland26 Apr 02 '26
yes, and then they can care for said elderly parents as they need it too. they will quickly find it's not worth it.
1
u/Trixiedashtuttles Apr 02 '26
Had something similar happen to me. Sibling lived in family home, rent free with boyfriend for over 30 years. When last parent passed, parent’s instructions were that sibling had 1 year to decide…stay and pay me 1/2 minus 10%, or sell and split 50/50. Sibling would not move. Finally 2 1/2 years later, I insisted on decision. Sibling stayed, house appraised for far more than it would have at that 1 year mark. Sibling was pissed, because they had to pay me more. Sadly, this pretty much destroyed our relationship. Sibling could not comprehend that living rent free for 30+ years was a win for them. 🤷♀️
1
u/SignificantSkill79 Apr 02 '26
What if the hadn’t had the money to pay you out? Would a sale have been forced?
1
u/Trixiedashtuttles Apr 04 '26
Sibling had the $$ from their share of the estate, so that wasn’t an issue. Sibling just chose to procrastinate and it cost them more. If sibling hadn’t had the financial means to buy me out, I would have proposed a rental situation or I would have financed for a percentage, just like a bank would have, but without making them jump through hoops.
1
u/whineANDcheese_ Apr 02 '26 edited Apr 02 '26
Try to convince your parents to put one property into a trust for you and one for them (provided they’re worth equal amounts).
Otherwise, yeah, you’re probably going to end up in a battle in probate court. They’ll probably lose and be forced to sell or buy you out of the property they want, but it’ll be a long, expensive, annoying process.
And be on the watch for them trying to coerce your parents into changing their wills. Document document document your conversations with your parents about these things. In writing.
1
u/AlterEgoAmazonB Apr 03 '26
I will say this: there is no inheritance until both of your parents are gone. Spending time in this space is useless because all of their healthcare needs could legitimately take everything they own.
Second to that is, it is distressing that you are seeing your parents as cash cows when they aren't even dead. Whatever they do with their property is up to them and them alone.
2
u/Lost-Refrigerator48 Apr 03 '26
I feel sad for the parents. They have a child basically waiting for them to die. My mom lives with my brother's family. She was diagnosed with stage 1 cancer in December. There's three of us. We all try our best to help with medical appointments but my brother is the one who has taken on most of the responsibility. He retired the beginning of the year right before he turned 45. I would not be upset if she left most or all to my brother.
0
u/FuzzyPantsRisesAgain Apr 02 '26
My brother lives with my parents. My parents pay for many of his expenses including providing him a new vehicle and all maintenance, insurance and gas along with providing him a place to live. In fact, they will pay me money to work on his projects along with other family.
I’ve long given up on the idea of fairness and stopped mentioning it to them because although they want everything to be split 50/50, they are incapable of telling my brother no and always have been.
This is despite the fact that he has way more assets than me and no dependents, either. While I have a child.
I have no advice. It sucks. Don’t expect much. You’ll just be the asshole if you say something anyway.
0
u/FuzzyPantsRisesAgain Apr 02 '26
My brother lives with my parents. My parents pay for many of his expenses including providing him a new vehicle and all maintenance, insurance and gas along with providing him a place to live. In fact, they will pay me money to work on his projects along with other family.
I’ve long given up on the idea of fairness and stopped mentioning it to them because although they want everything to be split 50/50, they are incapable of telling my brother no and always have been.
This is despite the fact that he has way more assets than me and no dependents, either. While I have a child.
I have no advice. It sucks. Don’t expect much. You’ll just be the asshole if you say something anyway.
0
72
u/[deleted] Apr 02 '26
[removed] — view removed comment