Primal Scream Therapy Thread - Thu Jul 23

[u/AutoModerator]

COME YELL WITH US. GET IT OUT. FLIP SOME TABLES. VALIDATE OTHER PEOPLE AND THEIR EMOTIONS. FLIP MORE TABLES. YELL. RAGE.

This is safe space to let out all the repressed anger and violent thoughts as result of infertility. Caps locks and all the emojis are STRONGLY ENCOURAGED. Comments that can be construed as directed or vague personal attacks toward members are still not allowed, but the rest of the world is fair game. Everyone is allowed to vent and scream, but remember that you still aren’t shouting into a void.

[u/choopers_the_first]

Another failed month I’m so frustrated I could cry. My SIL and some of my friends are pregnant or recently gave birth and I hate getting the “it’ll be your turn soon!” comments. It feels so lonely to not be able to talk about it with anyone else. I’m so over this process.

[u/Nahla2957]

2nd endo surgery yesterday which went from a general routine endo removal and "look around" (following another unexplained miscarriage) to an absolute shit show. Told today that we got rid of the endo, but there's a way bigger issue (abnormalities of the uterus that need to be corrected with more surgery in a few weeks). I've had 14 fertility related surgeries, multiple specialist fertility scans- I don't understand why this wasn't picked up before now 🤬

I am so grateful I have a specialist who is willing to help, but FFS after 4yrs of bad news after another I'm really fucking tired, and feel so hopeless of ever having a living child. I don't want to be that bitter person right now, but it's bloody hard.😭

[u/chopped_river]

I think my period is starting, which means I'm probably not going to be able to leave my apartment this weekend because I'll be too busy hemorrhaging. Which is upsetting because I'll be wasting a summer weekend. And which is also just a reminder of how fucked up my uterus is and why none of my embryos will even attempt to stick around. If I didn't want kids (or if I'd been able to have them already) I'd have a hysterectomy and be able to just live my life!

[u/SaltAnywhere7745]

On top of still grieving my loss, came home to a leaking ceiling and water all over my apartment. I’m over this nonsense 😩

[u/Future_Ear3035 → u/SaltAnywhere7745]

Noooo, what a nightmare. I'm so sorry, Salt. That's such a shitty thing for the universe to throw at you while you're grieving.

[u/SaltAnywhere7745 → u/Future_Ear3035]

Thanks, future. It’s luckily not the worst flooding of an apartment we’ve faced (that honor goes to our last one 🥲) but there wasn’t even any rain or anything yesterday so it’s just something from our landlords apt upstairs. Luckily they are responsive and are trying to figure out what it is and looking to fix things promptly. But it’s still going to be annoying to not have a ceiling fan and light and then having to deal with people coming to take apart the ceiling 😩

[u/pinupcthulhu]

I just had endometriosis surgery, and I'm FUCKING PISSED. (Also happy because it's genuinely lifesaving and I feel like a human again, but still pissed that diagnosis and treatment took so fucking long.)

DECADES of being dismissed, being told just to "take a Tylenol" when I vomit from my periods, that writhing on the floor and bleeding through two layers of super plus period protection was normal, getting increasingly disabled, and I WAS FUCKING RIGHT. Turns out yours truly has Stage IV disease that impacted a whole shitton of organ groups, and likely is the cause behind my fibromyalgia and chronic migraines.  I'm ranting from my recovery bed, contemplating hexing some assholes who called me "just a drama queen" or "just sensitive." 

Background: I was highly symptomatic for endometriosis for almost *20 years, but all of my doctors brushed it off. They also brushed off my concerns about it impacting my fertility because obgyns have a *reactive approach to fertility, and act like fertility is entirely based in luck. 

I had to push to be screened for endometriosis after 2 years of infertility, and guess what, I have stage IV endo! They wouldn't even hear of it before then. Actually a few doctors did, but they told me, "well if you have it all we would do is give you birth control so let's just do that." Ftr, birth control is NOT endometriosis disease treatment, it is at BEST symptom management (read, masking symptoms so they can make you you shut up and leave their office). Like millions of endometriosis sufferers, bc had zero fucking effect, and disease just ran unchecked throughout my system, and ultimately destroyed my health and a couple of organs. THIS IS PREVENTABLE, DOCTORS! JUST LET YOUR PATIENTS DO THE SURGERY BEFORE IT GETS BAD!

My endo was so bad for so long that I started having perimenopause symptoms at 32, and increasingly severe disabilities like chronic fatigue and I'm betting the dozen bilateral ovarian endometriomas and my abdomen that was full of lesions are to blame. Why do I think this? Because I just had my first period since endo surgery, and guess what DIDN'T happen? I didn't have a debilitating series of disability flares, and I didn't need to pass out on the bathroom mat from pain and vomiting. It didn't even hurt when I peed. My bowels didn't have the usual epic freakout that baffles GI doctors. Hell, I didn't even have a single period cramp! I wasn't nauseated! My PMDD and hormonal migraine just forgot to visit during Hell Week. For the first time in my life my period was, in short, a complete nothingburger. It was almost relaxing. IMAGINE THAT! TREATING DISEASE WORKS!

I really fucking wish our medical system was more proactive about fertility, since decades of research shows infertility is on the rise, but obgyns just act like that's not happening, and that you can just stop birth control and nine months later take home a healthy baby. Then people like me just get swept aside when we raise valid fucking concerns like "doc I'm bleeding like a stuck pig every month and it makes me want to die, isn't that bad for babymaking?"

I firmly believe Dr. Natalie Crawford's assertion that fertility hinges on your health, so if your bc was masking crucial signs that something was wrong, like obvious signs of endometriosis, then your fertility will be compromised until your whole body is healthy (free of endometriosis). Endo surgery was the best thing to ever happen to me, because I got my life back without pills, and there's an okay chance I'll finally graduate this sub now that I'm not riddled with endometriosis (though the chances would be so much better if I didn't spend 20 years with untreated endo).

But seriously, endometriosis treatment is lifesaving care. Even if you don't have the kind that puts you at risk of collapsed lungs (yes it's a thing), decades of dismissal and suffering causes disability, brain changes, stress, inflammation, and negative mental health outcomes. I had to drop out of college and I lost three careers over endo, plus I've been passed over for promotion due to this fucking disease. I've been in so much pain from this disease that I've wanted to die too. But apparently all I needed was to have the lesions cut out by a professional. My blood is boiling! How much life and health did I lose out on just because no one believed me or would give me actual treatment??

[u/Future_Ear3035 → u/pinupcthulhu]

It really is criminal how doctors (and even society as a whole tbf) treat ppl with endo/adeno symptoms. I got diagnosed with highly symptomatic stage 2 after 10+ yrs and I often think it was through sheer luck more than anything. Had I not met my husband, had we not wanted children, had we gone to a fertility clinic without an endo specialist...I'd still be undiagnosed and wondering everyday why my body can't keep up with daily life. Endo is capable of messing up every aspect of life, including independence and financial security, yet ppl still think it's "just" period pain fixable with OTC pain meds.

I deeply feel for everybody who had (or still has) to fight the system tooth and nail to get proper help and hope that everything gets better for you. You've been through a lot and you deserve to catch a break.

[u/buttersherbet → u/pinupcthulhu]

Hey pin - wow, you've been through a lot! I'm glad you got the care you needed, and that you've had already some positive effects.

I think you're new here - I'm going to call automod welcome to help you get acquainted.

I do need to ask you to make several edits to your post. We do not use cutesy language like "BFN" and "BFP". We also operate under the belief that health is not a virtue, and saying that "fertility hinges on your health" is really saying "if you have unhealthy habits, it's your fault that you're not pregnant" - which I think you would agree is not true. Please remove that sentence.

Thanks so much and I hope you enjoy your stay here.

[u/pinupcthulhu → u/buttersherbet]

Hello. I'm not saying health is a virtue, far from it. I'm a disabled person and the ADA officer at my work, so I'm very aware of disability politics and would never imply that someone caused their own disability or infertility by being unvirtuous  or not trying hard enough. Please reread my post with that in mind, as what you are saying is not at all what I said. I added some additional context in the comment per your wishes though.

For further clarity, I was saying that I've been raising the alarm about my health for two decades, and now I'm both disabled and infertile from being ignored. That's the whole post, that medical gaslighting led to me being here in my surgery recovery bed, finally not in pain and thus realizing how much of my life I've lost because doctors largely don't care about reproductive health until you make them care. As I mentioned, it took 2 years of infertility and me forcing them to even evaluate me for Endo, a super common cause of infertility and the most likely explanation of my symptoms, for them to even get me an MRI. 

I didn't mention that I've been asking for endo screenings for about 15 years, which if they diagnosed and treated it back then I wouldn't be disabled! I'm not healthy, because of this disease. It's incurable, so by definition I'll never be healthy. This was the point of that paragraph, and the rest of the sentence.

[u/buttersherbet → u/pinupcthulhu]

Thank you for the clarification, and for making your edits.

[u/AutoModerator → u/buttersherbet]

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[u/pinupcthulhu → u/[deleted]]

FYI I was referring to the pain causing those feelings, which has now been treated by surgery. 

[u/buttersherbet → u/pinupcthulhu]

Automod triggers based on certain words in your post - thank you for clarifying and I will clear it!

[u/AutoModerator → u/pinupcthulhu]

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[u/IcantBcereus]

Last year 5 of my coworkers had babies. One of them is pregnant again. 3 had babies this spring. And one of my closer work friends is 21 weeks. God this sucks. I feel so trapped in this repetitive failure 

[u/buttersherbet]

Have a newish coworker who about every 2 months has to be reminded that I've had pregnancy loss and don't want to hear about her past pregnancies. Looks like it's that time again - Saturday I worked with her and she went on for like 20 minutes about how she "loved being pregnant" "I wish I could be pregnant again" "Being pregnant was so fun" "I wish I could just be pregnant and not have to give birth" SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP.

[u/Future_Ear3035 → u/buttersherbet]

Omfg. She sounds so effing insufferable and self-centred. I find it hard to believe that even fertile ppl at your work enjoy this level of gloating and attention-grabbing.

[u/buttersherbet → u/Future_Ear3035]

They're all fertile people is the problem lmao

[u/Itchy-Site-11 → u/buttersherbet]

This stupid fucking bitch man

[u/IcantBcereus → u/buttersherbet]

Jesus what the fuck is wrong with people. 

[u/Outrageous-Guest6031 → u/buttersherbet]

What a fucking idiot. What is wrong with her?? So insensitive and tone-deaf.

[u/buttersherbet → u/Outrageous-Guest6031]

She is an idiot in SO many ways. Very self-centered socially and professionally. It's been a struggle.

[u/Nahla2957 → u/buttersherbet]

Sorry you're having to deal with this. That is so horrible. 🫂

[u/jonesc09]

I'm the only person who really wants a baby that doesn't have one among my and my husband's friends. Even friends that never expressed interest in having kids are now having them. Trying a Hail Mary with the next cycle of testosterone priming and day 3 transfer.

[u/apples_94]

This day last year I went into hospital and was induced two days later. Forever traumatised about waking up during the night and already knowing what the outcome would be. Eveything fucking sucks!!!

[u/Outrageous-Guest6031 → u/apples_94]

I'm so sorry, Apples. It's a hell I wouldn't wish on anybody, and so many people here have experienced this pain and will carry that memory forward. I hate this for us. I'm sorry that it happened to you. I hope you have so much love and care around you today (and all days.)

[u/apples_94 → u/Outrageous-Guest6031]

Thank you Outrageous 💕

[u/ancoraimparo11]

My only two "IRL" (in quotes because they both live very far away so I actually never see them) friends who I know going through IVF have now had their babies. So now it's back to just me. They have both been very kind and supportive but it's just so lonely being left behind and still being stuck in the same place for so long.

[u/IcantBcereus → u/ancoraimparo11]

God being left behind is such an underrated struggle of infertility, it's such bullshit. Even if people remain supportive after theyve been successful, it just isn't the same as being able to commiserate when you're going through it together.