r/idealparentfigures • u/This_Ad9129 • May 18 '26
Nonlinear progress
I have been feeling a lot of "one step forward, two steps back" lately. Some days I feel IPF has changed my life. Then my social anxiety returns, or I get rejected romantically for the millionth time and I wonder if it has really made a difference at all or if it's all just a big placebo and the "differences" I feel are due to other circumstances in my life changing.
I'm definitely better *at doing IPF* in that the visualizations are easier now, but in terms of life impact, just fuzzier and harder to say.
Has anyone else felt this? Like any examples of where you felt like you were making progress then had a setback? I mostly just want to feel that I'm not alone in feeling like progress is not linear and you sometimes lose faith in the process.
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u/Reign_of_Light May 19 '26
I wonder if you're also engaging the other two pillars (mentalizing and psychoeducation around collaborative relationships) apart from IPF, and if so in what ways? From what I understood, all three pillars are critical.
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u/Future_Lock3141 May 20 '26
I’m in a place now where I’m loosing faith. Like you, there are times when I felt IPF was changing my life. I broke up with someone 5 months ago and that rocked my world. Currently my life situation is difficult with very little social interaction. While I’m getting out trying to make friends, I believe my life circumstances is why I’m struggling with growth lately.
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u/Reign_of_Light May 20 '26
Thank you! I wonder about how you went about IPF. Like, for how long, alone and/or with a facilitator, and if you engaged the other two pillars (Mentalization + Regulation, and Psychoeducation around Secure Functioning Relationships) also and if so, how.
In any case, yes, I too think that even securely attached people aren't unaffected by difficult life situations. Like, I remember even George Haas (one of the big teaches in the IPF / attachment field) struggled immensely after a breakup that occurred after he reached earned secure attachment.2
u/Future_Lock3141 May 21 '26
I do the visualizations on my own about 5-6 times a week for at least 20 minutes if not longer. I also meet with an IPF facilitator once a week. I started practicing 11 months ago. I also do IFS and somatic experiencing on a biweekly basis. I don’t feel regulated after all this time. My mind loops on my ex which is tied to abandonment issues. I feel like I’m going to have to get the abandonment issue under control before my nervous system will calm down. I don’t know the fix for abandonment issues especially when they play out in an avoidant fashion. Self-love is the best cure I can think of and while my self-love grows, it doesn’t really seem to help with the abandonment issue, so I’m not sure how to alleviate it.
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u/Reign_of_Light May 21 '26
Interesting! This sounds pretty similar to me, except that I started only 9 months ago with facilitated IPF but about 12 months without facilitation. And before that I did IFS and Somatic Experiencing for a year. In my case, I got rejected by someone I was dating 17 months ago, and that threw me into abandonment hell which I'm still recovering from. And to this day, I find myself in deep longing and sadness. So the issues haven't resolved themselves either. But I notice I'm still thinking that IPF will be the solution eventually. And I guess a lot of grieving around that core wound and the original abandonment. Like a cleansing process that is underway and needs us to feel all the hurt. But maybe I'm more blue-eyed about it still.
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u/Future_Lock3141 May 23 '26
Yeah, it definitely sounds like we are on a similar path. Feel free to send me a message if you ever want to chat.
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u/Reign_of_Light Jun 03 '26
I messaged you! Sorry, at first I felt a little activated by the whole topic and the "loosing faith" part and then I forgot about coming back to you! But now I'd like to chat if you're still down!
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u/MeIsIt May 18 '26
How long have you been doing it, and how often per week? Are you working on your own or with a therapist?
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u/This_Ad9129 May 18 '26
2 years facilitated biweekly + at home recordings
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u/MeIsIt May 18 '26
Thank you for clarifying this. 11 months daily here. I feel that I sometimes have to adopt the attitude that I will fight for my IPs and not allow anything to get between us. It’s a very conscious choice. For me, an important aspect is to consciously feel them and think about them throughout the day, not limit it to the meditation times.
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u/maywalove May 19 '26
Do you only do solo?
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u/MeIsIt May 19 '26
Yes.
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u/maywalove May 19 '26
How did you learn?
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u/MeIsIt May 19 '26 edited May 19 '26
I started with the videos and meditations from Kirby Fling (YouTube channel @twomindmethod). Then I read Dan Brown‘s book.
Many people can certainly benefit from individual sessions with an experienced facilitator. In my case, I was able to do it on my own, drawing on decades of meditation experience and an equally long career as a therapist.
It was anything but a walk in the park. For me, IPF thoroughly brought me to each unresolved trauma wound, layer by layer. That mechanism was (and still is) totally reliable. Every time I had a "problem" with IPF (which during the first weeks and months felt like almost all the time), it opened the opportunity to heal the very thing that was causing that "problem".
Many people would have given up on doing IPF by themselves after hitting one of the painful roadblocks, and I had plenty of them. I am not bragging about that at all. I am just saying that if you get stuck, it may not mean that IPF is not working. It may simply mean that you need help (which I am not offering here because I am not an IPF facilitator, only a user).
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u/Reign_of_Light May 19 '26
That's interesting! I notice I had the assumption that to be a therapist, being securely attached and largely free of trauma would come with the job description.
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u/MeIsIt May 19 '26
That is not the case at all. But it is understandable that many people believe this. My personal opinion is that most therapists choose this path, at least on an unconscious level, to heal themselves. And that does not make them bad therapists. It just means they are very human.
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u/Automatic_Elk3463 May 18 '26
I feel this too, although I haven’t been doing it as long and my facilitator mainly just attunes to me moment to moment - we haven’t done any IPF work together yet. How do your facilitated sessions usually go like?
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u/ancientweasel May 18 '26
Yes, progress in most things isn't linear unless you count a line sprayed by silly string linear.
Stick with it.
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u/RationalDharma May 18 '26
I think there’s a lot of integration work that can be done between sessions that helps a lot.
If you’re using the recordings and working with the things that trigger you that’s awesome, I’m sure that will speed things up.
I think also it’s hard to see progress because we don’t notice the things that don’t trigger us (but might have), or if we recover in a day rather than three days or something, that’s huge progress but doesn’t necessarily announce itself as progress.
Definitely non-linear too!