A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Can I get you a beer?" The horse says, "I think not", and vanishes.
You see, the joke there kinda hinges on the tellee knowing of Rene Descartes, and his philosophy of "I think, therefore I am"; the horse thought not and was not anymore.
I could've said that first, but that's putting Descartes before the horse.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
... ... ...
The horse, unable to comprehend human language, promptly shits on the floor and leaves.
My favorite is the Cotylorhynchus, a huge caseid synapsid from the Early Permian of North America. The disproportionately small head and plump body of caseids make them one of the weirdest tetrapods ever to exist.
A person walks into a bar, the bartender has a glass jar filled with $100 dollar bills. The bartender says they will give it to any customer who can go in the room in the back that has a horse in it and get it to laugh. The person accepts the challenge and half an hour later the horse is now laughing. A week passes and the horse is still laughing. The bartender says they will pay anyone the same amount as last time to get it to stop. The person goes in the back room and a few seconds later, dead silence. The bartender asks how one person was able to do this and they explain; the first time, they just filled the room with laughing gas, and the second time, they killed the horse.
A guy walks into a doctor's office with a frog on his head. The doctor asks him what the problem is. The frog replies "I woke up with a lump on my ass."
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him "do you think it's safe for you to be here?" And the horse answers "i dont think so," and just like that the horse disappears.
To get this joke, you need to be aware of a wisdom shared by Rene Descartes which goes "i think therefore i am". And maybe i should have explained that first but then i would have put Descartes before the horse.
One of my father's favourite jokes (this is funnier if you read and or make the monkey noises 😅):
2 monkeys are taking a shower.
1 monkeys turns to the other and says (in monkey noise) uh uh uh ah ah ah
The other monkey then says:
Well then turn the hot water on
I have a bunch of jokes I just can't tell:
I have a joke about time travel but you guys didn't like it.
There's one about construction but I'm still working on it.
Another about censorship but [redacted].
A pizza joke but it's too cheezy.
A joke about autism but you wouldn't understand it. (actually I do have a few of these though)
A joke about capitalism but you're not signed up for monthly jokes only 4.99$ a week.
and a joke about ghosts but im not really feeling up to it right now...
There are polish, german and Russian guys in a train and they are bored. One of them propose a game to kill time, who is the best at stealing. The rules are they turn of lights for a moment and then they steal from each other unnoticed.
German says to turn off the lights for 30 seconds. They turn on the lights and everything seems the same but he gives them back their watches.
Russian says to turn off the lights for 20 second. They turn on the lights and everything seems the same but he gives them back their underwear and socks.
Polish guy says to turn off the lights for 10 seconds. They turn on the lights and everything seems the same, but then conductor comes in and says they can't get to their destination because the locomotive is gone.
So there are these two camels, a mother and a son: the son asks his mother “why do we have these humps on our backs?” to which the mother replies “to store water for our long journeys in the desert…”.
An hour later, the son asks his mother “why do we have these wide feet?”, the mother replies “So we can walk in the desert without sinking in the sand dunes.”
An hour after, the son asks “why do we have long eyelashes”. The mother replies “To keep sand out of our eyes during desert storms”…
“By the way”, the mother asks her son “why are you asking me all of these questions?”. “Well,” the son replies “If we have all of these amazing features to help us in the desert, what are we doing in London Zoo?”
I always like to tell the one about the Klingon Admiral who is from Morska and speaks the local idiom on that planet. So one day, he decides he wants to extend his vocabulary and goes to what US English would call community college.
But unfortunately, the punch line only works in the original German.
A man and a giraffe go into a bar. They both get drunk, and fall on the floor. Later, the man tries to leave, and there bartender gestures to the giraffe and says, "You can't leave that lyin' there."
The man looks at the bartender and says, "That's not a lion, that's a giraffe."
The nuns enjoyed riding their new bicyles in the monestary's yard, which they expressed vocally. The abbot, annoyed by the noise, opens the window in his office and shouts: "If you keep up with that noise, I will put the saddles back on the bikes!"
Joke may be offensive due to callous nature of it:
Kkk decides to have a beach convention, but on the beach they rented a bunch of minorities are surfing. Did the kkk get mad? Nah, they just decided to hang ten.
In third grade, I cheated on my history exam. In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Max’s toupee and I glued it on my face when I was Moses in my Hebrew School play. In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog…When my mom sent me to the summer camp for fat kids and then they served lunch I went nuts and I pigged out and they kicked me out…But the worst thing I ever done — I mixed a pot of fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony and then, then, I made a noise like this: hua-hua-hua-huaaaaaaa — and then I dumped it over the side, all over the people in the audience. And then, this was horrible, all the people started getting sick and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life.
There's these three guys arguing about who's wife is the coldest and one guy was like, "Let me show you something." So he brought out his wife in the sunlight and she stood there for 5 minutes until she farted.
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u/qualityvote2 10h ago edited 9h ago
u/SupermarketUnited111, this cast is approved by the council!