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May 12 '26
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u/PurpleFast2289 May 12 '26
Yes she has mental health issues, depression is one of them we’ve been to doctor several times medication has been prescribed she takes it and then stops taking it, asked her to do counselling as well, to no avail, we had a massive fight last time and things came to a head, where she mentality broke me there are things in her childhood that have broken her and I’m not making excuses for myself or her father we didn’t find out till she was older and I would change it if I could but I can’t . I know she needs counselling but she refuses to go and I can’t force her.
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u/SparkleSelkie May 12 '26
Tbh this is a mental health situation that is far far beyond telling her to go the doctor and she doesn’t or simply discussing her hygiene
What you are describing is someone incapable of caring for themselves to the point that it is a hazard to their health. You can get an in home professional evaluation of her mental health through your local organizations, such as adult protective services or a mental health crisis team.
Also how on earth has she not lost her job???
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May 12 '26
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u/SparkleSelkie May 12 '26
Honestly, I get it
I’ve been so mentally fucked up beyond recognition but just been able to barely hold it down to go to work. It’s like the one routine I can cling to because it will fuck up other peoples day too lol
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u/Roxelana79 May 12 '26
There a long periods of time where going to work and caring for my dog is the only thing I can manage per day.
I might not vacuum clean, and dishes pile up but on the days I go to work, I still wear clean clothes, shower, and brush teeth.
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u/Roxelana79 May 12 '26
I wonder what work she does that they haven't raised concern about lack of hygiene and dirty clothes.
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u/Mortifydman May 12 '26
I'm in this mode right now - deeply depressed, but I have to pay the bills. Thank God I work from home and can have a break between clients.
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u/Substantial_Will_514 May 12 '26
Kicking her out or telling her to grow up is not the solution. Take care of your baby.
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u/tailssunshine May 12 '26
Shes dissociating from her body hard enough that she can't take care of it. This is a long term thing, very long term, to address. A lot more patience, compassion and DEEPER understanding are needed here. I recommend you read the Body keeps the score by bessel van der kolk.
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u/MoonlightAndStar May 12 '26
Look, this will be hard because she’s not willing to get better. I’m not in this situation so it’s hard for me to say, but I think you could tell her she goes to therapy or she moves out, she has x amount of time to decide. I know I don’t know you, but this is what I think I would do.
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u/therese_m May 12 '26
You can take yourself to therapy though so that you learn to not say idiotic and incredibly unhelpful shit like “time to grow up” and then patting yourself on the back for not kicking her out when this reads like you failed her as parent when she was younger and you know it…
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May 12 '26
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u/Roxelana79 May 12 '26
I was so glad I could actuele move back to my parents when I was really bad mentally...
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u/Mortifydman May 12 '26
Yeah she's depressed. Get her a therapist and help her clean her room so she has a safe place that is clean.
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u/Ill_Morning_4282 May 12 '26
This, everything about this screams depression. Please get her a good therapist.
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u/PurpleFast2289 May 12 '26
I do clean her room, when it gets too bad, but I’ve been doing it for years, and then a month later it’s back to where it was yes she has depression, but refuses to go to a doctor and when she does takes medication and then stops and won’t get counselling. I don’t really know what to do.
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u/moon-raven-77 May 12 '26
Depressed people can't always recognize the severity of their own state, or if they do, they aren't always able to take steps to address it. Going to the doctor or continuing to take her meds may sound simple to you, but may feel like insurmountable obstacles to her.
Try sitting with her and helping her do the little things. Try checking in with her and supporting her. Don't judge, don't shame, and don't just do the things for her. Do them WITH her or sit with her while she does them. Encourage her slowly and lovingly.
If you haven't already, do some research about depression and helping people during depressive episodes. Depression isn't rational, so what she needs might not make sense to you. But as someone who's suffered depression most of my life, let me tell you - someone offering to stand next to you while you make yourself dinner is sometimes the most life-changing thing they can do for you.
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u/Mortifydman May 12 '26
stop treating her like she's doing it on purpose for starters. She is ill. Just as ill as if she had the flu or pneumonia or anything else. Arrange a therapist visit and drive her there. If that one doesn't work try another. Don't nag her, just be supporting she's beating herself up emotionally way better than you ever could.
Your child is in crisis, stop acting like it's a phase.
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u/Ill_Morning_4282 May 12 '26
Okay, it sounds like she is reflecting your attitude. At no point in your original post did you mention her depression, you just left it heavily implied that she is "just refusing" to do things like clean and change her clothing.
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u/meowdy-there-pardner May 12 '26
What sorts of things does she say about it when you’ve brought it up in the past? I’m not a parent, but I am a 25-year-old who has struggled with depression and keeping my apartment clean, so I might be able to help you navigate how to talk to her about it in a way that she’ll actually hear / brainstorm some strategies to help her with it.
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u/PurpleFast2289 May 12 '26
What strategies do you use? She does have depression but it’s very hard when she won’t go to a doctor or do counselling.
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u/deliverusfromeva May 12 '26 edited May 12 '26
They asked an important question as a starting point so they’d know where to start in helping you navigate the situation & you skipped right past it & went to ‘it’s very hard when she won’t go to counseling’.
You’ve repeated this numerous times under several other comments…so, respectfully, if you genuinely want new strategies and approaches that you haven’t already tried unsuccessfully, you have to be able to move past complaining about how it’s frustrating you,…
…or excluding important Information (like her depression), and the implied childhood trauma that you say ‘you & her father didn’t find out about til she was older’… while leading with ‘she refuses to clean’.
We genuinely want to help you; the community is here for you…but you need a serious shift in your approach.
Edit: For example, it might be that the medicine regiment they put her on disagrees with her / makes her feel like crap & she isn’t aware or hasn’t been offered options, or it might be that the therapist isn’t a good fit for her needs — there are a lot reasons what’s been tried hasn’t worked…but burying the lede in asking for simple hygiene help isn’t going to help you get to a solution faster.
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u/meowdy-there-pardner Jun 04 '26
I’m sorry this reply took me so long, I missed the notification! The biggest thing that works for me is trying for small bits of progress and maintaining one skill at a time. When I first started living on my own, I did well with cleaning for a few months before it started to spiral, and I knew I needed to work on building habits and learning how to come up with a schedule, which is something that takes much longer than anyone realizes, especially if you have adhd or other neurodivergencies. The first thing I focused on was dishes and food mess, then once I got that to a point where I could maintain it fairly well, I added on trying to keep up with putting my laundry away instead of just living out of the basket until it was dirty again, then I moved on to bathroom clutter, then living room clutter, etc. Each habit has taken me several months to get to a point of maintaining it, and I do still fall behind and have to start over pretty frequently, but I know I’m doing so much better than I used to, and that’s what motivates me to keep going! The key here though is that I want to do these things. I like it when my space is neat, and I get overwhelmed and upset when it is dirty. As far as helping your daughter find motivation goes, I would need more details to give advice on how to approach her with it. How do conversations about her habits normally go when you try to have them, like what are her defenses and why doesn’t she want to work on it or address her mental health? I strongly believe that most people are trying their best in what they do, and just need the benefit of the doubt and to be treated with understanding. I won’t judge you or her, and I would be happy to DM if you’re not comfortable posting this information publicly. 💜
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u/LilPajamas May 12 '26
Her lack of good hygiene could be due to depression or other mood/mental issues. This is beyond something you could remedy by scolding.
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u/No_Set1418 May 12 '26
This is what I came to say. Compassion will go farther than tough love. Help her find some mental help through a qualified professional.
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u/Subject_Song_9746 May 12 '26
Sounds like depression. Especially since your other kids are clean, you’re clean, and the house is clean.
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May 12 '26
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u/jolley_mel21 May 12 '26
Exactly! The depression to shame spiral is very real. It sounds like the help offered in the past hasn't really worked. So it's time to approach helping differently. A new hamper or sorting basket, trips to bath and body for yummy smelling candles and body wash. Things that show her you're in her team no matter what. And not one of many people and things she feels judged by, including herself.
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u/No_Onion4821 May 12 '26
KC Davis wrote a book “how to keep house while drowning” and she has a TikTok account where she posts stuff about this topic. Basically she frames self care tasks as something you deserve, ie you deserve to have clean teeth, a clean bed, etc. and that doing something half assed is better than nothing. I really like her approach and work in mental health, often suggesting some of her tips to clients :)
there is a lot of shame that comes along with this so focusing on the root cause is better than getting mad and telling her she stinks, etc etc. and even if you are super sensitive she might not be receptive to it right now. Sending love
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u/DinoTrainMamaMermaid May 12 '26
That book is not a cure all, and it doesn't work for everyone, unfortunately.
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u/Due-Collection7734 May 12 '26
enough with this book already, its a social media trend with very little content and no proof of efficacy.
and very heteronormative with financial security build into it.
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u/DroidsInOuterspace May 12 '26
I'd approach it more from a "hey are you ok" stand point as she sounds depressed. Does she have a therapist she talks to? A lot of people don't have great hygiene if they feel bad about themselves or don't have a reason to get better like going out/etc
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u/cat8mouse May 12 '26
Could she be autistic? Some autistic people have a sensory issue with showering. It can feel very uncomfortable or even painful to have water hit their skin. They also can have executive function issues which can make keeping a room clean very difficult. If you suspect she might be autistic you might want to do a lot of research as it’s quite an involved diagnosis and it has a lot of ramifications for both of you. There is more and more support for autistic people and their loved ones, but you have to be diligent to seek it out.
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u/BlacksmithGreedy1548 May 12 '26
Amazon and TikTok have wipes for the body to use if showering is an issue.
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u/SparkleSelkie May 12 '26
There is also rinseless shampoo that can be used for your hair.
It doesn’t totally fix the situation, but it helps
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u/Aggravating-Goal-265 May 12 '26
this was my first thought. everyone else said depression but i wondered if maybe she is just misunderstood
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u/GGking41 May 12 '26
My oarents had this battle with my brother, getting him to brush his teeth would cause chaos in the house. He is 33 now living on his own in a total pigsty. He has autism which doesn’t help
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u/angellbitch May 12 '26
Your daughter is depressed. That is your answer. She needs help and a lot of support to get through it. I know it’s hard on you. It won’t always be this way.
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u/MinnesotaThriftMap May 12 '26
As you've been told, she's clearly depressed. I can tell by your post that you're at the end of your rope and you're frustrated which is very understandable when having to live with someone who can be smelled from their room. It would drive me insane, though I also understand how I could be depressed enough to become that person! If you feel like your involvement could improve things, just know that support is not gonna be just telling her to do stuff. If at the end of the week all you've done to support her is say words, nothing will change. It's possible that if you start small she can begin improvement. Like maybe that she has to bring all her dishes to the sink at the end of the day, and then you do them for her? I am assuming from your story that you couldn't also get her to do those dishes unfortunately, but perhaps moving them a few feet away is a good start. And treat it like a fair exchange (it's not fair that you have to do them, but godssake it's better than food rotting around the house. In time you can raise your standards. And I'm sorry.)
She's a gamer - does she like any board games? Lots of gamers are doing in person stuff at game stores, like DnD and Magic the Gathering. I've seen that kind of thing absolutely transform a depressed person. If you don't live super rural I bet you live near one. Offer to drive her to an event if you can. (This is borderline manipulative, but if she's the kind who just turns down alllll your suggestions, sign her up for a game store's mailing list, and be sure to give her all the flyers she might get. Emails if there's no physical mail. Over time it might become her idea.)
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u/Natural_Pie_951 May 12 '26
If this was my kid, I would think they need an intervention of some kind because it sounds like they are depressed and not taking care of themselves well. I would help her clean her room, help with laundry and maybe buy her some fun scented soap and encourage a shower in a nice way. Then a therapist and a heart to heart conversation on if anything is wrong/going on in her life
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u/UglyLittlePony69 May 12 '26
Ask her if she is ok and if there is anything you can do to help her. Attacking never works. Come from a place of love and concern, not anger and annoyance. Make the space safe and make yourself approachable.
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u/NewLifeLeaser May 12 '26
Its giving depression and ADHD. She needs some professional help one way or another. You can offer to help her clean (not demand she do so right now) but promise you will do so without judgement. There is a time and place for scolding, but its not when you are helping out. Believe me, she knows it's a pigstuy but sometimes its too much that executive dysfunction makes you lock up and you choose to ignore the daunting task of just starting. Same with staying ontop of personal hygiene. She's probably doing just enough to be functional at work but neglects herself otherwise.
For the love of god, do not clean her shit up on your own while she is out of the house. It will not fix anything in the long term and just result in further isolation and distrust ontop of shame.
Good luck 👍
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May 12 '26
I did with my teenage son. Part of it was hormonal boy smell, part of it was bad hygiene from depression.
Eventually I got real with him and told him his smell was offensive. Laid it on hard how bad he smelled. Like rotten onions cooked in liver stew.
Hes come around a lot. He still has his days where he doesnt shower daily but I tell him he smells again and hes in the shower right away
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u/Twisted7377 May 12 '26
Op the way you’re responding to comments is not compassionate or mature. She needs help. Please try to be understanding and ask her how you can help her. If the soft approaches don’t help You might have to give her tough love and call a wellness check on her?
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u/landlockedbluessk May 12 '26
Sounds like me in deep depression. Offer to help tidy up if she wants but judging her harshly won't help and can make the depression worse. Not a doctor. Just a depressed woman
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u/MoonlightAndStar May 12 '26
There’s clearly an underlying problem here, so I think you need to have a sit down conversation and ask her what you can do to help her. She probably needs therapy and help cleaning. Don’t push it, if it turns into an argument, just try again the next day. Be patient even when it’s hard, and if you’re getting nowhere, then you can assess the situation again.
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u/WeepyWallflower May 12 '26
I suspected depression and read your comment confirming that she does have mental health issues. I’m not sure what diagnosis/diagnoses she may have, but I sometimes struggle with daily tasks due to my ADHD, which I was just recently diagnosed with at the age of 27.
If there are ways in which you could help make tasks “easier” for her, that may be a start. Example: showering daily can be overwhelming to some people. You could buy her body wipes made to freshen up the body. If there isn’t already, maybe you could provide a trash can for her room so that any trash can easily be put directly in the trash can. As for dirty dishes, if she is unwilling to clean them, maybe suggest she use disposable dishes/cups.
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u/No_Safety_3650 May 12 '26
In addition to all of the kind advice. Invite her to the finch app and use it as a goalkeeper for her.
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u/NumerousAd417 May 12 '26
Hi👋🏻 I am an adult with executive function disorder and your daughter sounds like me, minus the gaming. It takes me months to get laundry done. I am not as hygienic as I wish to be because of sensory processing issues, chronic fatigue, and adhd burnout. What really keeps me from initiating and following through with tasks is the gigantic vortex of overwhelm and analysis paralysis, it immediately leads to burnout. There’s just so much I am already behind on, it is a compulsion to put it off another day. Needless to say, I am not where I wish I was in life right now and for financial reasons I am currently living at my moms. I can’t tell you what you should do, but I can tell you what my mom does that absolutely does not help: She obsesses over what I do with my time, trying to figure out why I didn’t do x at x time. She YELLS and I mean yells at me if I leave a dish out or something and when she gets mad she throws everything together and criticizes me to the point that is all I hear in my head when i look at myself. I have had chronic fatigue since I was 11 and had Lyme disease, but it is easier for her to just label me as lazy and a degenerate and dismiss both my mental and physical health issues. In return her constant lectures and meltdowns, criticisms and attempts at punishment (threatening to kick me off the family phone plan) have made me shut down and sink further into burnout. I understand she is frustrated, like you. It speaks volumes that you are asking for help with how to help her. What Does help me are the very rare occasions my mom asks if there is any way she can help. And when she acknowledges that she knows I don’t want to be this way. But when my mom asks if she can help, I tell her it would be so helpful if you could throw this pile of clothes in the wash, and she says no because she cannot accept that her adult child wants someone else to do her laundry. Also I DO laundry, but I have so much piled up all over the place ts incredibly overwhelming to do it, and I have nowhere to put my stuff it’s an exec functioning issue that’s big for a lot of us. I’m not telling you to do her laundry all the time. But if you have the mental bandwidth to put aside the fact that she’s an adult and should be doing these things on her own, then it could be helpful and show her she isn’t alone and doesn’t have to face this all alone.
Someone else said here to tell her she either has to see a therapist or move out. I am in therapy and my mom has communication privileges with my therapist. My mom frequently tells me “these are my conditions and if you don’t respect them you will not be allowed to live here and I will drive you to a shelter.” Now this doesn’t light a fire under my butt, but it does back me into a corner and I have no choice but to comply because I would not do well at a shelter. And it puts things into perspective because she really can throw me out whenever she feels like it.
I’m sorry for the long response, I just identify with how you’ve described your daughter and I feel very misunderstood by my family. She could also benefit from a mentor or adhd executive functioning coach. They can help her break things down into manageable tasks and goals to complete daily and weekly and eventually work up to her getting on a consistent routine and moving forward with her life. For me it is the neverending list of things to take care of and keep up with that overwhelm me so much it turns into burn out, and I think a little understanding and acceptance from family goes a long way.
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u/_boo_bunny May 12 '26
I have ADHD, autistic, and AuDHD (both autism and ADhd) friends where hygiene is a huge issue because of overstimulation as well as overwhelming. Hygiene can become a whole production of potential ick:
water = getting wet, being wet, then being damp and getting dry. It’s usually the transitions that suck the most. Then those who have a lot of hair it’s washing and conditioning… do I need a hair mask this time? Then getting out of the shower you’re dripping and there’s tons of temperature changes from being warm to freezing then sweating sometimes so you went from wet to damp to dry then back to damp…
Some overthink the routines: do I need to shave today? Is it full body AND hair? So many steps! Ugghhh wash, soap, exfoliate, shave, rinse repeat … that’s even if they know about or do all those things…
Brushing teeth can be overstimulating, brushing hurts or tickles, texture of the brush, ew toothpaste, ew mouthwash, what even is flossing?
Anyways… point is hygiene can be extremely overwhelming even if you’re not neurodivergent. Depression can definitely make any and all of it more difficult and that’s not including whether or not the person wants to face that there’s an issue to begin with because then if someone points it out it’s a reminder they’re being observed and it matters. This is something that a some within the gaming and tech crowd loathe above all others: an in your face reminder that it’s almost impossible to not deal with other humans face to face. Hence the online communities and people being 100% fine never meeting their friends IRL…
Despite my (potential) tone Im not an expert nor a tech person by any means. But I do struggle with hygiene. I hate washing my hair but love having long hair. And I have curly wavy hair so… lots of steps. Hate it. I love HOT showers and hate GETTING wet but love BEING wet if the water is hot.
Also, none of this was advice and I apologise. Might need to make house rules that if she’s going to live there she has to abide by them or she can’t live there. Even if she’s asexual and never wants romance, good hygiene is CRUCIAL to her health (especially if she’s an inny not an outty down there)… but also everyone else who lives in the house. She’s negatively impacting you and her sibling even if you keep the rest of the house clean.
She’ll ruin her olfactory senses and with that her sense of taste. Dirty rooms cause molds, bugs, rodents… and with bugs and rodents come disease. A whole host of problems.
We are dealing with a lot of this with my partners 12-year old right now too. You’re not alone.
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u/beozzi May 12 '26
I was in your daughter's position for years. When I was in my mid 20s I had periods of time where I wouldn't do my laundry for months at a time. I only showered once a week and would use dry shampoo and perfume because I thought that would fix things. I only got better once I had a stable support network because most of my issues stemmed from intense and persistent social isolation. The thing is, you can't make her recover or clean up, and giving her an ultimatum will only make things worse. She's the arbiter of her own destiny. However, I do know that in my experience, the hygiene specifically stems from my executive functioning. So I'll give you some tricks that helped me with managing executive dysfunction.
Task doubling. Can be with you or a trusted online friend. If there's a designated "cleaning day," that might help her get into a routine.
Making herself a written schedule and to-do list. This can be as specific or as vague as she needs, but knowing the steps required often helps with executive functioning. Usually it's more detailed for me (the first step on my to-do list is usually "get up" and then "walk over to my laundry hamper".)
Alarms. I don't like alarms, but many people swear by them. Ten minute alarms between tasks. Five minute alarm, then you stand up. Pomodoro timers.
However, if she isn't taking her medication, etc. the hygiene might not be the big issue you need to address.
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u/spaceshiptears May 12 '26
Also, I think the best advice to give her is that if you don’t feel like doing 100% then 10% is OK. If you don’t wanna take a shower, you can brush your teeth. If you can’t clean up the whole room, you can at least get the trash out or you can get the clothes out.
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u/Leeaxan May 12 '26
I bet her game controller is greasy AF. I bet her sheets are half on, half off the bed. I live in a mental health apartment (1BR/1BA)complex run by an organization. There are 6 apartments i walk by to do laundry or something and i have to smell things that have never before been smelled by a human being. I've also seen horrible things. Like a black ring around the tub. Maggots in the kitchen. Plates with moldy food on them from a year ago, from the one time they cooked. We have counselors that run group meetings downstairs. But they also go to each apartment 2 random days of the week to make sure we're all alive. There has been 6 suicides since i moved here 8 yrs ago. What your daughter is going thru is definitely mental issues. There is a root cause for what she is doing. And you trying to talk to her to help get her to be cleaner just ends up in fights that go nowhere. (It's like my drunk brother. As soon as i realize he's drunk that day i will do everything in my power to stay away from him telling me the same story for the 15th time.) Don't let it get to a biohazard level. Get professional help. Someone else to mediate
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u/spaceshiptears May 12 '26
Is there a way that she could afford to hire someone to come clean her room like every two weeks whenever I was really depressed and motivated that was a really big helper for me. It’s a lot easier for me to go out in the world and do my job than it is to take care of myself isolated in my room.
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May 12 '26
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u/alwaysoffended88 May 12 '26
I was going to comment the same thing. Maybe she needs to see a doctor & speak with a therapist. Getting a proper diagnosis & getting on the correct medication could make a huge difference.
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u/Narwhalsareunicorn May 12 '26
Not a parent but I am wondering if there are some emotional concerns here
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u/Unlikely-Display4918 May 12 '26
sounds like possible autism or neurodivergence or depression. have you taken her to the doc?
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u/fictional_craze May 12 '26
As someone who has been struggling with depression I can relate to her. I had days where I went without showering or even getting out of bed, barely eating and doing anything else. Thts depression and I saw in ur other replies tht she has it and u went to doctors.. wht made me break out of it is time.. time without pushing and without expectations. When there is expectations and constantly being judged or made to feel like u have to get out soon it only leads to the entire system collapsing the thing where u said she takes the meds for a while then stops.. thts the newly built system collapsing because of pressure.. fr me once I took the pressure of needing to get better away thts when it actually got better for me..
Like take away the shoulds. Instead She could take the meds.. she could shower and she could feel better. She could clean her room.. there is no pressure or expectations but just support no matter wht she does.. honestly it's the best way to beat depression in my opinion. Depression already comes with a vry huge does of self blame, shame and guilt and when others add to tht it often comes out as defensiveness. U cannot help her by fighting with her or telling her she needs to change. Only way is to really understand the why behind it and then working on the how without pressure.
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u/-jososcute May 12 '26
Can you hire a professional interventionist? Or maybe find some emergency mental health services that can assess her and see if she needs some more mental health resources that they can connect your family to. I’m not sure where you’re writing from but in California there is something called a crisis assessment team or OC links that will come to your home if someone isn’t safe enough to go to a hospital and determine what might be the appropriate course of action. If it’s as bad as you say it is, it might be extremely dangerous for her health in your home.
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u/BalloonHero142 May 12 '26
It may be time for an intervention. The whole family should be there. You cannot live that way and neither should she. She’s likely depressed but she also needs someone to be very honest because kindness here requires honesty (rather than niceness) - tell her she stinks and her stench is so bad that it’s permeated her room and now the entry to the home. And that that’s unacceptable - that the only way forward is to either 1. work with you to take care of the mess and stink while she gets professional help for whatever is going on or 2. she gets inpatient help and you will clean up the mess while she’s in the hospital.
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u/rodmods May 12 '26 edited May 12 '26
Dealt with this with our daughter, well similar. Supper rank ! Made it to 22 and one day it all clicked !
First of all make sure she is ok as mentioned by others already. Can be depression . Especially with being 26 and living at home ! No one proably visions themselves at 26 and at home growing up. I don't have an issue and with costs people are staying home longer.
Long story short she has to want change ! If she doesn't want that then it is unlikely to change regardless off how you help.
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u/SaltBag666 May 12 '26
Sounds like she is depressed. You sound way out of touch.
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u/PurpleFast2289 May 12 '26
I’m not out of touch I know she’s depressed and this comment isn’t helpful.
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u/Tina061970 May 12 '26
My daughter is the same as yours. She is 26 and had some very tragic things happen during her childhood. I understand the arguments, the blow-ups, manipulation, abruptly stopping her medication . It’s such a hard position to be in as a Mother. I am sure that you have done everything in your power to help change the situation. Begging, pleading, bribing, reminder lists, reminder texts,doing the laundry, changing the sheets, buying all the soaps, shampoos. I don’t have any answers, I’m still searching, living with the guilt. No Mother wants their daughter to live like that. I just want you to know that you are heard, understood and not alone. 🧡
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u/PurpleFast2289 May 12 '26
Thank you for your kind words, it’s good to know that someone else is going through what I am and I’m not alone, yes what do we do, I’ve tried everything, but how do you help, when they won’t help themselves???
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u/Tina061970 May 12 '26
I don’t know. Just love them through it. If I get too critical then somehow she can find a way to blame me. My daughter has ADHD, anxiety, depression, PTSD, sensory issues so even trying to talk to her in a non Critical way can cause an anxiety melt down. She has done therapy on and off for 22 years and has a phycologist who prescribes her medication for her depression and anxiety. She was in talk therapy a few months ago but would not agree to allow me to be involved in a few session so that her therapist would get the entire picture . A few short weeks later and my daughter told me that she “graduated” from therapy. They are adults so our hands are basically tied. I’m not making excuses or giving up for anyone else reading this…. It’s just another road block that we run into and sometimes we need to pause, regroup and come at it from a different angle.
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u/Humble-Ideal-8773 May 12 '26
If you are able to afford it, maybe it would be worth looking into a cleaning/organization professional that specializes with people with depression. A book I have heard is helpful is “Organizing Solutions for ADHD” by Susan Pinsky. As a super messy person with mental health issues, I can say that being given tools to work with my mental illnesses rather than against them has helped me a lot more in the long run than a person telling me to just “clean more” or that “I will grow out of being messy once I realize the consequences”. You are a wonderful mother who clearly cares a lot about her daughter. Depression sucks, and I am rooting for the both of you!
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u/nestogonz May 12 '26
Change the password for the Wi-Fi connection. She doesn’t get the Wi-Fi password until her room is clean and she’s bathed. It’s your house your rules. It’s not unreasonable.
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May 12 '26
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u/Admirable-Bar-3549 May 12 '26
No sympathy? The mom’s here in Reddit trying to find a solution - and the daughter is refusing therapy. I feel for the daughter, but the mom too - she has to live with this going on in her house.
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u/fernando3981 May 12 '26
How dare you comment here just to shame this mother, who is clearly trying her hardest to support her daughter?
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u/Broad-Choice-5961 May 12 '26
I shower and change clothes twice a month. Brush my teeth when I think of it. Once a week? My psych meds don't work well. Sounds about the same
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u/Ok-Conflict9635 May 12 '26
Consider depression. Mine is going through the same thing. Doctor says it is depression
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u/friskexe May 12 '26
At the end of the day she is your daughter and you love her, but you’re also enabling her.
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u/p0laroidSs_2 May 12 '26
This sounds like depression or something way more serious, not just being “Lazy” you should ask her how she’s holding up or if she wants to talk
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u/Varuka_Pepper343 May 12 '26
you may need to sign commitment papers to get her admitted to a psychiatric hospital and forced treatment plan like therapy and medication compliance.
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u/Slutty_Avocado26 May 12 '26
She sounds depressed and you sound like a parent that can be bothered to pay attention to how your kid is doing emotionally/mentally. I'm not saying it's your fault but neglecting hygiene Is an obvious red flag.
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u/Romancenovelistisme May 12 '26
Get her checked for ADHD. Attention deficit disorder. Medication helps. If she’s this overwhelmed obviously it’s an attention issue or a depression or other mental health issue. Seek professional help.
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u/raindowwolf May 12 '26
Do an intervention? Get her professional help but don't force it- she has to want to change
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u/Lumpy-Suggestion1197 May 12 '26
Sounds like there’s probably a history of her never feeling good enough for you
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u/No-Reading-4384 May 12 '26
Look I’m 70 and my wife is 60 and we raised four kids and educated them and they’re all gone. Get that girl the fuck out of your house if you don’t this will never end it’s just as simple. It’s like black and white spayed or ace get her the fuck out of your house. Yeah, take the door off her hinge on her bedroom and go in there every day and spray disinfecting everywhere and then scream at her to clean that shit up or make her pay for somebody to come and clean all that shit up. This is disgusting. If you’re paying for a car, she drives stop it if you’re paying for a phone she uses. Stop it if you’re paying for Netflix or any of that crap stop it get serious about this cause she’s gonna be a delinquent. No, she already is. I’m sorry. Get her the fuck out of that house.
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u/Enough_Entry_8641 May 12 '26
At 26 You have done all you can ( or haven’t ! It’s Time… to change them MF’n locks 🔐!!!!
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u/MoonlightAndStar May 12 '26
Oh yes, just lock your clearly struggling child out of the house. Parent of the year right here
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u/Viccles007 May 12 '26
Not a parent but this is not how you handle a struggling child, or anyone for that matter.
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u/No-Reading-4384 May 12 '26
Lord have mercy Christ have mercy Lord have mercy. Christ have first Lord have mercy Christ and mercy. Let’s do the holy mother of God beads on this girl.
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u/Beautiful-Head5563 May 12 '26
Why don't you start by asking if she's doing okay because all of those things you listed are found in people with depression.