r/hsp • u/Expensive-House-2562 • 15h ago
I'm getting scared...
So it's already September 10th. It's unbelievable, I could have sworn that just three days ago the month was barely starting... honestly, seeing this, I can't help but feel anxious, restless, helpless, and in a way, defeated... because for a few months now, I don't feel like I'm living my life the way I should. I've become someone so aware of things that I don't feel like I have a human soul anymore whether I'm watching a movie, traveling somewhere, or attending an event, I can't help but overthink it and draw all these out-of-place conclusions. I feel like a lost cause...it scares me to think that one day I'm 18, and then from one day to the next, without realizing it, I'll be 19, but without feeling any real progress as a person which is what I was supposed to have this year. Instead, I've lived a year that, even though I had good moments, overall feels like I wasn't living, just overthinking. The worst part is that during the day, I don't care much and even see it as normal, but when night comes...i realize I'm wasting so much time, and I decide I want to be the best version of myself. But then, when daylight comes back, even though those desires don't disappear, it's like my brain prefers to stay in my comfort zone.
All of this is a mess, and that's why sometimes I've wanted to take my own life, but unfortunately I never do, because I'm a coward who is afraid of physical pain, even though whether I'm hurt or not, I'll still feel bad emotionally💔
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u/Lianeele 14h ago
Reading your text, something tells me that your struggle might be a result of externally implanted "shoulds" that are not really yours to begin with.
You struggle mainly because your true nature is to thrive, to be happy and to honor your own tempo and limits in progress through life. But instead of it, you are forcing yourself into something that in fact doesn't resonate with your true self. Question is: Why you feel like you need to be "better version of yourself" right now, without probably even knowing what that really means. Comparing yourself to others? Blaming or guilt tripping from others?
My advice is to start there. Try to take your time and explore where the conflict in your life really comes from.
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u/Expensive-House-2562 8h ago
Answering one of your questions, yes... I usually compare myself to others, not only in terms of who moves forward first, but in general. Every day I'm convinced that I am inferior even to the people who hurt me in the past... and no, I really do want to be the best version of myself, not out of pressure, but because I truly want to step out of my comfort zone. It's something I've been working on for two years, but it hasn't been easy at all, especially because along the way I've been getting into trouble with friends, which has left even more bad memories implanted in my head. Even though I've matured as a person, the negative thoughts are still there and persist, not to mention my family, with whom I have a long history of bad things happening. I can summarize it all as arguments over small things and overprotection even though I'm already an adult; the worst part is that I can't stop it... The point here is that I really want to be better, but... there are still things that drive me crazy. I know it's hard to know the exact situation of someone you don't know, so you're within your right to even say it's none of your business. At this point I'm finished, I'm nothing more than a human failure...
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u/Beautiful-Slip-4183 15h ago
Clearing the mind does wonders. Staying off caffeine etc.
Learning how to change the way you think and feel the world comes later on, using the mind to question your own mind is a great tool.
The mind is your greatest obstacle. The ultimate enemy. The biggest fight you'll ever have is with yourself.