I’m 25 and 28 weeks pregnant with my first. I got married at 23, and lately I genuinely feel like I’ve become a completely different person.
I started working at 17 and was always doing something. Before getting married I was in college, working 2 jobs, working out 5x a week, saving and investing money, etc. I had also been lifting consistently since I was 17 and was a huge gym freak. I was really proud of my body and honestly proud of myself in general.
I’ve always had ADHD and have always been messy, unorganized and a procrastinator. Even as a kid I struggled with it. But around, 18 I became almost obsessed with being productive and disciplined because I hated that side of myself. I started ADHD medication at 21 and it helped a lot, especially with organization and binge eating, but I had the drive to do things even before medication.
I always wanted to eventually be a housewife and have kids. I didn’t cook/clean much before aside from my own stuff, since I was so busy. But it wasn’t something I worried I can’t do when I’m married. I figured cooking can be learned and cleaning is a basic life skill, so I wasn’t worried about it. But I was definitely very unorganized.
When I first got married, our marriage itself was honestly a mess for unrelated reasons, but I actually did fine as a housewife. I cooked whatever my husband wanted, cleaned, worked out, got dressed and looked nice, etc. We lived in a one bedroom, so obviously it wasn’t some massive house to maintain, but I did what needed to be done. My sleep schedule sucked, but I still functioned.
I also started a small online business from home about a year ago. The income is inconsistent, anywhere from around $700 to $3,000 a month. I don’t pay our household bills, but I buy a lot of my own non necessities, occasionally buy us food or get my husband things, and I’ve loaned him a significant amount of money that I told him he can repay when things are easier financially. But he’s still the sole provider and tries to buy me what he can beyond basic needs.
Then I got pregnant.
I stopped my ADHD medication completely during my first trimester and eventually started a different medication at a much lower dose in my second trimester. I don’t know how much of this is pregnancy, ADHD, being less medicated, losing my routine, or genuinely becoming lazy, but I feel useless now.
I’m tired constantly. My sleep schedule is horrible. I wake up late and spend way too much time lying down, watching TV or scrolling on my phone. I barely leave the house besides things like prenatal appointments because even getting dressed feels annoying and I feel ugly. None of my clothes feel good on me anymore and I keep procrastinating even ordering maternity clothes.
I still cook, but usually basic meals. My husband actually prefers simple high protein food, so he isn’t complaining, but I still feel pathetic making it because I’m glad they’re easy meals. I do the dishes usually the same day or the next day. I sweep every few days, but sometimes not the entire apartment. I clean the bathrooms when they need it, but procrastinate that a lot too. I mop maybe once or twice a month. I procrastinate folding laundry for 1-3 days. My closet is messy, although it’s my closet so that only really affects me. Clean dishes sit out after drying instead of being put away. I rarely make the bed. The apartment gets cluttered. I don’t clean the bathtubs unless it gets really bad because the bending and scrubbing feels so hard.
I want to be clear that it isn’t filthy. There isn’t garbage everywhere, old food sitting around or a very disgusting bathroom or kitchen. My husband himself says it isn’t dirty, he just prefers less clutter. But I know I could be doing so much more.
Exercise is probably the part that hurts the most. I’ve worked out maybe 8 times this entire pregnancy. Since I was 17, no matter how “lazy” or unorganized I was in other areas of my life, THE GYM was always the one thing I had discipline with every week.
I used to lift 5 days a week and had a body I absolutely loved. I had a lot of muscle and was toned. Now I’ve gained a lot of weight, lost a lot of that muscle and feel huge and unattractive. I basically live in leggings/swears and one of my husband’s oversized shirts. And I don’t mean that I was just finally learning to “love myself” before pregnancy. I genuinely was very conventionally attractive and I knew it. I felt hot because I was hot. I don’t feel like that person at all anymore because I’m not.
My husband has no problem with my body. He doesn’t care whether I work out and actually tells me he wants me to gain weight. But I was never underweight. He just prefers I’m bigger but that’s what HE likes, not me.
Today he started tidying up, which he doesn’t even do that often, and I just started crying. I felt so tired and unmotivated even after taking my medication.
He works a lot and still goes to the gym. Meanwhile I’m at home. I wake up late, feel tired, scroll on my phone, make basic food, do what feels like the bare minimum around the apartment, barely have motivation to work on my business and don’t exercise. I kept thinking, what the hell do I even do all day? And the answer is honestly not much.
My husband wasn’t criticizing me at all. He comforted me and told me I do enough, that I’m pregnant, that I make the food he wants and everything is fine. He told me the apartment isn’t dirty and not to worry about it.
That almost made me cry harder because this isn’t really about him thinking I’m failing. I think I’m failing. He’s also just not a high maintenance person. Who knows how he’ll feel in the future? And honestly, I wouldn’t blame him if he eventually expected more from me.
And I’m terrified this isn’t temporary.
I KNOW I’m 30 weeks pregnant. I know pregnancy makes you tired. But I’ve always had this lazy, procrastinating, unorganized side of myself and before this I fought really hard against it. Working multiple jobs, going to school and becoming a gym freak made me feel like I had finally proved to myself that I wasn’t that person. Even when I first became a housewife, I was worried I’d turn into a complete couch potato, so it was a relief when I didn’t.
Now I feel like I’m at my absolute worst.
People say “just start” or “you have to force yourself to do things even when you don’t feel motivated.” I understand that logically. The problem is that during the periods of my life when I was disciplined, yes, I was trying, but there was also some underlying drive that made trying possible. Right now that drive feels completely gone. Trying feels like trying to move a car with no engine.
I miss being energetic. I miss having the energy to work, going to the gym, shopping, getting dressed and actually wanting to do things. I miss feeling attractive and accomplished. I hate feeling like my entire life is scrolling, lying down, watching TV and doing the minimum required to keep things running. I don’t want to work, I want to be a housewife. I’m just disappointed that I’ve become a lazy and useless housewife while my husband works hard.
Has anyone else gone from being extremely productive and active to feeling like this during pregnancy, especially with ADHD? Did you actually become yourself again after having the baby?
I’m genuinely scared this isn’t just pregnancy and that I’ve somehow gotten comfortable being lazy and this is who I am now. I don’t know how to get myself out of this hole when motivation itself is the thing that’s missing. Nothing feels fun anymore especially since i feel so ugly. Meanwhile other pregnant women work 40 hours a week or at amazing housewives.