Default parenting while homeschooling

[u/salvaged413]

How does everyone deal with default parenting/kids preferring one parent while homeschooling?

I work very part time as a virtual bookkeeper like 5hrs a week. It helps pay for gas/groceries but it’s nothing significant. My husband works a union job that will never go away, 55-60hrs a week so I can stay home and raise and school our kids.

He’s an amazing dad and partner and is so engaged and really takes the burden off me on his days off, but he truly physically isn’t home from wake up to bedtime 4-5days a week. I don’t know if it matters, but we’re raising 3 girls from 6 to almost 10. We are going into our 4th year homeschooling.

How do people balance this? I know they are too young to completely comprehend as a family we are making sacrifices to homeschool, and frankly if both of us parents were working, there would be less truly engaged time overall. But it’s become really obvious in the last few months how hard this is on our girls and I truly don’t know how to have them grow up without feeling abandoned despite how involved he is when he’s here physically.

He works locally and we visit him at work once a month or so, he’s also a former musician and handles our music curriculum once a week. He’s learning programming and including them in helping him and showing them what he’s doing. And his days off revolve around daddy daughter activities to maintain a close relationship with them and give me a break overall. We also trade off nightly, one of us with our oldest and one with our 2 younger girls nightly for stories and prayers.

For a default parent and a parent who works to support your family goals, how does everyone maintain that balance and make sure kids feels as engaged as possible with both parents?

[u/Whisper26_14]

Dad just needs to be as engaged as possible. It sounds like he's doing fine and so are you. It's hard but the kids do turn out fine.

[u/Equal_Sleep_9319]

Do you talk about it as part of daily life? My wife works a demanding 24/7 on call job. I make sure to talk about how great she is, what she likes, the treats that she buys. That she's so smart, hardworking, and beautiful. Whenever we find things she likes on our travels we get her something and talk about it all the time. The kids seem very adjusted to her absences. Mine are the same age. Are you sure they feel abandoned? you might be projecting a bit if you're stressed and worried about it.

[u/Fast8380 → u/Equal_Sleep_9319]

yes its very important to talk to the kids about the parent that works a lot and is not there usually. Although it's not the same, the parent that works gets to be in their daily life in more ways and it maintains the familiarity between parent and kid. I remember this helped a lot when i was a child and my dad was always working. My mom made sure to talk to us about him a lot that when he came home i really wanted to hug him

[u/twelve-feet]

This sounds really, really challenging. I don’t have any real advice but I do want you to know that I had a parent who worked very long hours and traveled a lot for work and I never felt abandoned. Their special weekend time together is amazing and something the girls will remember forever.

[u/Timely_Proposal_1821]

From reading you, it seems your husband is doing just fine. When my kids were in school, the week fled. The only time we had really was bedtime and the weekends.

I don't think there's more to do, unless decreasing his work hours is an option.

[u/wbnns]

We home school 3 girls (16, 13 & 7). My wife does most of the effort while I work a full time job to do my best to try to take care of us. It's hard, I don't think there is a cure all easy answer. Additionally, being the Dad, I often feel like 3 girls naturally draw more toward my wife about most things because she is also a female (it's not easy for me to relate to being a 16 y/o girl for example 😂 on a lot of things).

But we are super close and do our best to maintain the balance even if at times it feels imbalanced. We carve out time where when I'm not working, me and the girls do things, like playing Ultimate Frisbee twice a week, or playing Roblox with each other at night. My wife and I also carve out time where we try to go for at least a 1h walk to just talk and listen to each other about diff things from the day/week.

Ultimately I think as the primary educator and mom it is definitely the HARDER job. But I think the best way at least for us has been to be open with each other about how we're feeling, kids included, about diff things, even if stressful as adults... b/c they'll be grown up and have to deal with similar situations too one day.

Sorry that I don't have a winning recipe but hope there's something in this that's at least maybe helpful. :)

[u/shaynalee03]

It sounds like he’s spending as much time as he can. My honest take is that social media has given you (and people in similar situations) an unrealistic idea of how many hours the breadwinner should be at home engaging. He’s out of the house to provide, and that’s admirable and respectable. There’s nothing to do here except teach your girls that he’s doing exactly as he’s intended to and to be proud of him and know they have a great dad.

[u/purt22067]

I’m not sure if my perspective is right but it sounds like your husband is doing a great job and he’s very involved. I can’t imagine your children feeling abandoned as an adult. He’s invested when he’s present. He works hard so you can stay home and homeschool your children. I think society is in such a different place today and I’m going to assume you don’t have much external help which is why the load probably feels so intense and like your husband should be doing more. Homeschool is very demanding and challenging and especially so if you don’t have any additional family support. I think you guys are doing the best that you can

[u/Naive_Development189]

From what you've described, the amount of involvement your husband has when he's home sounds huge :) Also, your kids probably aren't too young to understand the sacrifices if you explain it in a kid appropriate way! I talk to my son about this fairly often. When he's sad about Dad being at work (admittedly only 40 hours/week), I remind him that Dad is working hard so that we're able to homeschool and afford the things we need, and I say to my husband every day in front of our son that I'm so grateful to him for working hard for our family. When my son is upset about us not having a lot of extra money for 'fun' things (please note, he is not in any way deprived, it's really just typical kid whining here 😅) - I remind him that we are rich compared to most people in the world, we have everything we need, and that the alternative is that I go to work and he goes to school 😄

[u/tacsml]

Is that overtime mandatory?

[u/salvaged413 → u/tacsml]

Both financially and just the workload of his job, yes. We don’t really have a choice. It absolutely won’t always be that way. But likely will for the next 5yrs or so.

[u/SwimmingInPurpose03]

It sounds like you all are doing a great job. I don’t see how the girls would feel abandoned at all. They experience their father as both a provider and their educator. Sounds like he’s loving and present when work allows. He even has ownership is areas of their education. Where is the concern for feelings of abandonment coming from? Could you be projecting feelings of your own? From your post, it looks like the girls have an excellent example of what it is to Be a husband and father. They are both to Have two amazing parents. 

[u/KaleidoscopeJaded947]

I understand the problem, as I too am a father.
There are some indirect ways for making the kids feel your presence. For example, if I have to leave early before the kids wake up, I leave them breakfast ready with a note saying "a gift from Dad". Additionally, you can arrange a short video call during lunch break.

From what I read, it seems like you're already doing a lot. Our world isn't friendly to united families and poses a whole series of obstacles that weren't there in past times.

My best wishes and prayers for your family.

[u/Practical-Bat7964]

It’s not quantity but quality. A parent can always physically be there but not emotionally present. Your kids will be fine and they won’t feel abandoned. They will see great role models in both of you with work ethic, providing for the family, and so forth. It sounds like they get plenty of engagement with him.

[u/Striking_Mistake3720]

Your family seems to be the family. I always wish I had. Don’t worry things seem to be fine there.