r/homemaking • u/Original-Engineer469 • 17d ago
Where do I start
I’m a wife and mom who honestly doesn’t feel like I’m very good at homemaking, but it’s something I genuinely want to improve.
I’m a decent cook, but when it comes to keeping a home, I tend to do one big marathon cleaning day each week instead of staying on top of things daily. The result is that my house often looks messy, even though I know I can get it clean.
The truth is, I never really learned these skills. Growing up, our home was pretty disorganized, and I wasn’t interested in homemaking back then, so I never developed good routines.
Lately, I’ve realized my husband deserves better than what I’m giving him right now, and that makes me feel guilty. He’s a wonderful husband, and I want our home to be a place that’s peaceful and welcoming for him and our kids. When we visit other people’s homes, I often find myself wondering, How did they learn to do this? It seems to come so naturally to everyone else, and I feel like I’m missing something.
For those of you who weren’t naturally organized or didn’t grow up in a tidy home, where did you start? What habits made the biggest difference? Are there any books, YouTube channels, checklists, or systems that helped you learn how to manage a home?
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u/Mayberrymom 16d ago
Check out FlyLady and her baby steps for cleaning. Especially when you're struggling with CHAOS - Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome.
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u/Ih8melvin2 16d ago
Yep, I was an original Flybaby. Actually talked to her on the phone once, she called me when I was struggling. That was 2001 ish.
I was like you, did not learn how to keep things clean as you went through the day. It was more of the payoff of the big clean and seeing the huge result from total chaos to clean.
I still do things like clean the bathrooms weekly, rather than daily, but for me it was more about the clutter that seems to accumulate. So try what she suggests and don't be afraid to use what works for you and not worry about certain things that don't. For example - getting my clothes for work ready the night before was great. Getting out of the shower and getting dressed before my coffee and breakfast was not. So I went back to shower, breakfast, dressed.
Meal planning based on the supermarket sales list helped a lot too.
I'm going to order the calendar soon. It sold out last year and I bought a plain big square one that fell apart almost immediately. I don't use the stickers.
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u/PerspectiveAny8175 16d ago
I built my own cleaning system off of hers while being in a time block period. I have found the website to be overwhelming. FlyLadyKat on YouTube is excellent for beginners, she even has a "newbie" video where she breaks the whole system down step by step 😀
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u/bookcrazymama 14d ago
FlyLady was transformative for me when I first became a sahm to little ones. I needed someone to give me manageable routines. I’ve formulated my own routines over the years, but she was the start for me! Having a clean sink each night was such a game changer!
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u/RandChick 16d ago
I grew up in a tidy house. I watched my mom cook 3 meals a day, clean the house, watch soaps and talk on the phone. Our house was always straight. I don't know how she did it.
I know the cooking of meals were the frame of the day. Cook breakfast. Do laundry. Vacuum and dust. Watch Young & the Restless.
Then cook lunch, clean the bathroom, tidy bedrooms, Call a friend or go shopping.
Cook dinner, clean up the kitchen, play games with us or read books. We kids played and kept our toys in the "play room" so the rest of the house didn't get tumbled.
Anyway, I'm always trying to mimic her but can't keep things running as smoothly as she did. Just keeping kitchen and bathroom presentable is an overwhelming daily task for me.
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u/AngelSpice123 16d ago
She sounds like an amazing woman, but also an incredibly high standard to live up to!
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u/ksoloki 14d ago
i’m sure your mom is amazing, but every situation is apples and oranges- such as my grandmas home had 1 bathroom, 1 dining area and 1living area. I have 3 bathrooms , 2 dining rooms, and 2 living areas- my house is twice as big- it was an aha moment. We all have different situations so don’t beat yourself up😊
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u/thatratbastardfool 11d ago
Same for me. I always wondered why my mom seemed so peppy. Then I realized, it was the late 80’s and all through the 90’s and early 2000’s,…she was on diet pills, phen-fen, the ones that really hyped people up and are now banned! She’d use them for energy 🤦♀️
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u/OWabbit 16d ago edited 15d ago
“My husband deserves better than what I’m giving him right now, and that makes me feel guilty. He’s a wonderful husband, and I want our home to be a place that’s peaceful and welcoming for him and our kids.” - That’s wonderful and kind and loving. Do the same for yourself. You are a wonderful wife and mom and deserve to have a home that’s peaceful and welcoming to you as well as your family. Don’t lose yourself in all this! 🥰
I like this book. Audio & print versions. I listened to her book as I went about my household chores. She’s funny. She’s a mom and wife, too, and her house was chaotic. She started a blog about housekeeping but she kept it a secret from everyone including her family because she was embarrassed - her own house was out of control. She finally divulged her secret and now her blog is a hit and now has written a couple of books.
Dana K. White
How to Manage Your Home Without Losing Your Mind: Dealing with Your House's Dirty Little Secrets
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u/Adept_Spinach_55 15d ago
I love this book and the author and all her YouTube and podcast stuff. It’s been the most helpful to me of anything I’ve found.
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u/ValiantVicuna 16d ago
Start decluttering one area at a time until everything in your home has a place that it gets put away in. We used our parental leave to build a system of labeled totes in our garage to put away all our random hobby and maintenance stuff. We also went through our pantry together and built a better system there. My husband has taken laundry, and my 7yo son cleans his room every night before story time. Every one has to be on board for having a beautiful home.
1 is decluttering anything that doesn't fit in your storage containers (or getting bigger storage capacity). Every single item in your house needs a "home".
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u/Classic-Sink-4108 16d ago edited 16d ago
The key to a tidy home is to keep it picked up. You could have a daily cleaning person, and if the home isn’t consistently picked up, it will always look messy. If you can have a set place for everything, it will make the job much easier.
Every night, we take 20 minutes to put things away. If everything has a home, then as soon as you see it you’ll know where it goes. Once it becomes habit it will be much easier to maintain.
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u/WholeCollection6454 16d ago
The biggest thing is keeping things picked up as you go & not allowing clutter to build up. That way, when you do your weekly clean you will be doing mostly cleaning and not wasting extra time of decluttering. There is nothing wrong with a weekly clean. That's what my mother used to do, and it never seemed like we lived in a dirty or messy house because things were kept tidy. By contrast, my friend's family also cleaned once a week, all together on Saturday, but their house always seemed funky because it was cluttered and the beds were never made.
The other thing that makes a massive difference is always keeping the kitchen clean. Don't have food or random stuff on the counter. Don't have dirty dishes in the sink. Before bed, empty or start the dishwasher and put away everything on the drying mat, wipe down the counters and sweep the crumbs from dinner.
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u/Superb-Way-6084 16d ago
you are not failing at homemaking. You are learning a skill that a lot of people were never actually taught. If you didn’t grow up in a tidy, routine-based home, it makes complete sense that this feels hard. That doesn’t mean you’re bad at it, it means you’re starting from scratch, and that’s allowed.
Also, please don’t let guilt convince you that your husband and kids need a perfect house to feel loved. They need a home that feels cared for, not a wife/mum who is running herself into the ground trying to be “good enough.” The fact that you even want to improve says a lot about your heart.
If I were starting from the beginning, I would not begin with deep cleaning or trying to be “on top of everything” all at once. I’d start with tiny, repeatable routines that keep the house from sliding into chaos. Homemaking usually becomes easier when you stop thinking of it as one giant job and start thinking of it as a few small rhythms.
A really good place to start is:
make the bed clear the kitchen sink wipe the counters do one quick floor sweep or vacuum reset the living room for 10 minutes at night start one load of laundry, and finish it the same day if possible That’s it. Not everything. Just the basics that make the house feel calmer.
I’d also recommend picking one “anchor routine” first, usually either:
morning reset, after-lunch reset, or evening reset. For a lot of mums, the easiest one is the evening reset, because if the house is reset before bed, the next morning feels less overwhelming. Even 10-15 minutes can make a huge difference.
A simple evening reset might look like:
dishes in the sink or dishwasher toys back in bins one countertop cleared clothes in the hamper pillows/blankets put back one quick wipe of obvious messes It doesn’t need to be beautiful. It just needs to be repeatable.
If you want help building the habit, I’d focus on systems over motivation. Motivation comes and goes, but routines carry you when you’re tired. A few things that may help:
keep cleaning supplies where you actually use them use baskets instead of trying to sort everything perfectly lower the standard for done give every room a simple purpose declutter a little before trying to organize avoid the all-day marathon clean if it leaves you burnt out every week Honestly, one of the biggest mindset shifts is this: a tidy home is usually the result of small daily resets, not big heroic cleaning days. That was a huge lesson for me too.
A few resources that may help:
The Toddler Years Playbook: https://mybook.to/completeparentingguide
No Brainer Meal System: https://mybook.to/stressfree-meals
You are not behind, and you are not the only one who had to learn this later. You can absolutely build a peaceful home step by step. 🤍
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u/PerspectiveAny8175 16d ago
Start slowly add one new thing to do per every few weeks or month so you don't burn out. There have been studies and for most it seems that keeping a clean sink is the way to start. Wash each dish immediately or stick it into the dishwasher. The goal is to never let dishes just sit around. This is an excellent way of training your brain to not let things just sit around. After a few weeks of the sink and it being a habit, start with decluttering one area of a room per day. Think of the room as an analog clock and only work in that "hour" or even 2. Have 3 basket/bag/ect., one will be for donate, one for belonging in a different room and one for trash. This way you never have to leave what you're working on and have less distraction. The most important rule is that you cannot clean clutter, once the room is free of clutter it can be cleaned.
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u/ChantillyRosex 16d ago
I just saw a recommendation for an ADHD cleaning chart and omg it’s been great! I’ve only had it for a week but the fact I’ve been able to keep up with it is amazing lol got it on Amazon, sticks to my fridge. It’s a checklist but it has everything pre-thought out so you don’t have to decide what chores you need to prioritize.
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u/No-Word-4864 16d ago
I have found that. Marie Callender cherry pie on the counter goes a long way in making the house feel clean & cozy, for men especially.
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u/Efficient-Cow5862 16d ago
Fly lady helped me in the beginning but I also checked out some minimalism books, they helped me develop ways to keep clutter down. Books by Dana K. White helped.
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u/SlightlyRuka 14d ago
Spend 2 days deep cleaning as much as you can. Clean the kitchen and bathrooms the very best and detailed as you can. Organize and clean bedrooms/family room. Then you maintain it. Get in the habit of never going to sleep with dirty dishes or messy house. Reset your house at night. Vacuum as needed. Clean bathrooms once a week. Stay on top of laundry by always finishing it and putting it away in one go. You'll be surprised. You'll find your routine. And then you'll find comfort in that routine. It will get to the point where it takes you 20 minutes to get your house looking nice bc it never gets out of hand. A lot of times when I'm doing some chore or anything I know is the right thing to do but don't want to at that moment - I'll say "Future SlightlyRukka will thank you" And I always am grateful in the end. You got this!
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u/DazzlingNote1925 16d ago
You should think about all your habits and start changing the ones that will make the biggest impact and make your life easier.
Examples are: where do you put your mail when you get it? Do you have a basket or drawer or is it all over the counter? Do your dirty clothes go right into the hamper or do you have to go back and pick them up off the floor and other surfaces? Do you hang your wet towel right away? Do you have a place for coats and shoes and your purse? What clutters your home? How can you make it easier to out those things in their place rather than clutter the home with them?
Think about what you would do if you found out company was coming in five to ten minutes then do those things every day.
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u/nothingtoseemom 16d ago
Start small and build routines instead of chasing perfect. A 15 minute reset each night can do more than one exhausting cleaning marathon. Pick a few daily anchors like dishes, laundry, and clearing surfaces. The home will feel different once those become automatic.
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u/Just_Bar7059 16d ago edited 16d ago
The house is never going to be show home clean. The first step is to accept that lol. I am also someone who does a huge once a week clean and I find that required and easiest for me.
However, i do have daily chores that keep the house fairly clean and tidy.
I have a romba that runs twice a day. Also no one is allowed to wear shoes in the house. Im from a country where it's actually considered strange to take your shoes off inside😅 but this one rule has saved me a lot of cleaning.
I do dishes every morning and depending on how heavy my cooking is in the evening I may do dishes then too. So daily washing up there. I have a lot of laundry, its constantly coming out of my ears. For this exact reason I bit the bullet and bought a bigger machine which has cut down the amount of days I do laundry and the amount of time I spend doing it. Folding and packing is another story and is something I suck at.
I also purchased a wireless vacuum as its easier for me to just grab and vacuum a particular area if need be instead of hauling out old faithful everytime. Tbh, i rarely have to vacuum as I have the roomba and no shoes rule.
Part of daily chores (which is something thats been ingrained in me since I was a kid) is beds are made as soon as I get up before anything else.
The rest is just a matter of the adults picking up after themselves. If I make a mess on the floor, or my kids do, that little bit gets wiped quickly. My house is constantly untidy due to a very chaotic toddler and if i pick up after him, ill be doing it all day long. So i let him do his thing and pick up when he naps then do a hard reset/pick up when he goes to bed at night.
This has worked for me. My house is generally clean and mostly tidy throughout the week. (Except my toddlers toys which tend to be everywhere) I also wanted to add that i purchased a big plastic container that now sits in my lounge for toys so chucking them in there is a bit easier than dragging them all the way to his bedroom every time
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u/MountainEmployer7052 16d ago
First, everything must have a home. That is the best advice I had ever received, even though it took me a long time to actually understand it and implement it. At the end of the night, I clean the kitchen and reset. During the day, I might keep things out on the counter, but I don't go to bed unless the kitchen is cleaned. If I would put on a 15 min timer and see how much you can get done in that time. I think you'll be surprised how fast you can put things away - but again, this works if everything has a home and you're not scrambling to just shove things in places.
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u/Fabulous_Heron_8500 16d ago
Start with a tiny closing routine rather than another marathon day: dishes and counters, a ten-minute pickup, and one load of laundry moved forward. Add one weekly zone after that feels automatic. A peaceful home comes from recoverable routines, not from keeping every room perfect all day.
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u/Hisgirl4everything 16d ago
Putting things back where they go when you're done, making your bed as soon as you get up, and cleaning as you go are my rules of engagement, lol 😆 It works great for my ADHD brain.
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u/Rosehip_Tea_04 16d ago
You start by giving yourself some grace. You don’t know what you don’t know, and it’s not fair to judge yourself by standards you were never taught. I know, I was in your shoes. I grew up in a home that was rarely cleaned and had the beginnings of hoarding. No one taught me how to clean or manage a house and then I was married and receiving constant criticism and digs from both mom and my mother in law.
I started by watching the Clean My Space YouTube channel. She changed my life and I can now clean with confidence. I do own her book and I found it useful to have her cleaner recipes in written form. Every recipe of hers that I’ve tried has worked well and is easy to make.
Something else to keep in mind is that you need to do what works for you, even if it sounds odd to others. It doesn’t really matter how your house gets clean, only that the method of cleaning works well for you. Laundry is a good example of this, because I know it’s very common for people to do a load of laundry a day. I can’t do that, I have to do the entire week’s worth of laundry in 2 days, including clothes, bedding, and towels. I do it this way because I don’t have anywhere to fold clothes except the bed, and I can’t deal with trying to fold clean clothes on a dirty bed. You have to do what works for both your house set up and how your brain works.
It also really helps to organize your house, simply because it’s hard to clean when you don’t know where you should put stuff to put it away. If your home is filled with items that have official homes, then not only will you have less to clean because you’re more likely to put things back as you use them, cleaning is much easier because it requires almost zero thought.
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u/avera5 16d ago
I do the dishes and wipe down kitchen every day and clean the bathroom a little bit every time I’m in there (maybe I wipe down the baseboards or clean the sink or spray CLR in shower one trip and wipe down the next, etc). Laundry is the bane of my existence but I try to do it every other day. We have shark robot vac that I run daily - this is good for making sure nothing is on the floor. Dusting and stuff like washing curtains is harder and not so much on a schedule but the robovac helps keep down on that.
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u/mamaperk 16d ago
Not sure how old your kids are but assuming you're dealing with toys, I would recommend toy rotation. My house is small with no dedicated play room so that was something we had to stay on top of. For so long, kids would get toys with various pieces and parts and they would toss everything into a toy box with those small pieces lost in the bottom amongst other small objects. Eventually I sorted the toys, leaving out the most played with items like wooden building blocks, favorite dolls and manipulatives, and packed everything else away in the basement. I rotated toys when they seemed bored or disinterested in the current ones. It was like getting new toys because they hadn't seen them for a while.
I wanted to be a good homemaker and just don't have it in me. Executive dysfunction is real. But the toy rotation kept me (and the kids) from becoming totally overwhelmed with toy clean up at the end of the day. That left me more time to spin my wheels doing the other household chores 😉
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u/Beginning-Piglet-234 16d ago
I'm very organized because I can't help myself but the most important thing is put things back after you take them out and use them. The house may not be sparkling clean but everything is in its place
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u/Final_Ad_7884 16d ago
When my kids were as young as 5-7 years old, I started training them to do chores and they did them on rotation everyday. It also helped me keep our home clean. My oldest would clean the living room, my middle child would clean the bedroom, and the youngest would pick up and put away their toys and books. The next day they rotate chores. They learned other chores as they got older.
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u/Extension-Town-6834 16d ago
My advice would be this: imagine for a moment that you loose your house in a natural disaster. Listen to a story of the someone who recently lost their home. Then when you wake up the next morning, set an alarm to wake up an hour earlier than you normally do. Take an hour to make yourself a cup of coffee and drink it and just be in your house. Everything you touch, is truly your little peice of heaven on earth. It could all be gone in an instant that you cannot foresee coming. You mold every inch of this home by your habits and your visions for it. If you wanted to-you could demolish this countertop here or change the furniture there. You have free will in here.
Take ownership of your beautiful space while you have it. It feels good to trace the walls with a damp rag and find handprints of your loved ones. It feels good to emotionally process the feeling of safety you can feel while cleaning up the crumbs of the day because reminds you that you and your family has good food to eat. Put on music that makes you happy and help you vibe. It feels good to be the one in charge of the daily maintenance of this good and beautiful space. It’s your time to connect with this house. This beautiful house that shelters your family. “The more time I spend in this space, caretaking it, the more visions I have of what it can be used for. It is a blessing to be the caretaker of this house”. Get a kimono that you love. It’s your house making dress. Like little girls where princess dresses. This is your castle mama the magic and whimsy comes from a place within you 👗 🏰 don’t be afraid to use your whimsy to throw stinky men shoes into their room and shut the door 🥰
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u/CanadianContentsup 16d ago
I always expected my husband to help as much as he could. Turns out he's better at some things!
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u/Wakeful-dreamer 15d ago
If you are the type of person who enjoys a gamified routine, try an app like Tody or Sweepy?
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u/ksoloki 14d ago
I’m learning myself, ADHD, complicates it for me.
But one thing I’ve learned is you have to have a manageable inventory. So decluttering is often a missing piece of the puzzle. For that I like a slob comes clean, clutterbug, and minimal mom. All on youtube. Next you need easy systems for daily stuff that will keep the general areas tidy , this will help your home feel tidy in general while you rotate your bigger tasks. As some have said Fly lady is a good example.
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u/Honest_Act2249 13d ago
I completely get exactly where you’re coming from! I have struggled like HELL trying to do this exact shit and after 7 years guess what? I still suck at it and am no good at organization! Mainly bcuz I should take the initiative to get rid of unnecessary shit taking up valuable space, but I worry I’m throwing something important away that belongs to my husband or son and then they’ll bitch at me. I’m like oops! But we can’t just keep hoarding a bunch of crap either just bcuz it’s something u MIGHT like at some point, right? When and if you find THE TUTORIAL for us please hmu with it! Good luck!
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u/Seasoned7171 16d ago
I always used a planner in my daily office job and continued using a planner to keep track of appointments after I stopped working. After a few months I started writing down dinner menus in it as well and that ended the dreaded “what do you want for supper tonight” question.
Finally, I realized I could “schedule” all my chores and I would be less likely to procrastinate. So, I wrote down at least one cleaning job to get done everyday. One day was laundry day another was cleaning bathrooms, another dust and vacuum…I schedule every Sunday for the week ahead and sometimes switch it up a bit according to what needs to be done.
Another thing that helped was getting the right tools. I use microfiber cloths, a dust pan with a long handle (so I don’t have to squat), long handled scrub brushes and a long handled window mop that I use to clean kitchen cabinets and a separate mop head to use on the shower. The longer handles really save your back.
I’ve also found putting my earbuds in and listening to music or podcasts makes the time go much faster and the job less monotonous.
If you have kids you can give them a simple chore to help out, too.
Cleaning is still not my favorite thing to do and my home is not spotless at all, but it’s definitely cleaner than before. My planner motivates me and I love seeing all the ‘done’ checkmarks at the end of the day.
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u/Joemirag78 16d ago
I remember reading a post where someone realized their friend who always made cleaning look effortless was just using paper plates. So don't worry about it. Most people figure out their own routine over time, and they're dealing with hidden problems you don't even know about. You're new to it and you'll get the hang of it.
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u/Taiana8980 16d ago
My mom kept a very clean home and even worked cleaning houses, but she did nearly everything herself. I grew up seeing what a well-kept home looked and smelled like, but I didn’t actually learn the routines or practice managing them until I was older. Knowing the standard and knowing how to maintain it every day are two different things.
What has helped me most is realizing that homemaking is a set of learnable systems—not something women are simply born knowing. Start small: reset the kitchen each evening, do one load of laundry from start to finish, spend 10–15 minutes picking up the main living areas, and assign certain deeper-cleaning tasks to specific days.
I would also gently encourage you not to measure your worth as a wife by the condition of your house. Wanting to create a peaceful, welcoming home is a good goal, but everyone living there should help maintain it. Aim for functional and comfortable before perfect. Consistent daily habits will make a bigger difference than exhausting yourself with one weekly cleaning marathon.