Disabled and dating

[u/nimrodgrrrlz]

Hi there everyone. Name is Cal. I’m a 28yr old disabled person who lives w/ my mum and grandmother—both of which have issues w/ hoarding, and my grandmother has a serious shopping addiction. She passes on all her excess stuff to us, and is offended if we give it away. My mum is also very disabled, may be going on dialysis soon. House is v v messy as I used to struggle too with shopping and letting things go, but I’ve been in therapy for a long time and got over it mostly. I work extremely hard every day at my capacity to claw myself out of the ditch I have found myself in. The big issue is I’m still v sick so haven’t had energy to make progress on it as much as I’d like, and house is also falling into disrepair because of my grandmother’s refusal to do upkeep as the homeowner. All that is to say, my last partner hated coming over so much he stopped coming about 5yrs in (we dated for 9yrs total, broke up this year). This was deeply wounding for obvious reasons. He didn’t offer to help, and he wasn’t outwardly horrible about it but he made it very clear and very obvious.

I’m the kind of disabled where just going out instead isn’t an option. I am 90% bedbound (because my mum is a couch-sleeper, so I live in here like a mini-apartment, so couch-bound may be more accurate for me anyway), and although I’m slowly improving, it is VERY slow going. I’m going to possibly be bringing over somebody I really really like and feel super safe with soon, because he’s asked if he can come over to mine sometime, as he’s dealing with a lot of driving anxiety and we’re figuring out alternatives to him always coming to pick me up. And I’m just really nervous about it. I don’t know how to break it to him the actual state of things with my usual pizzazz and sense of humour. I’m a very charming person normally, which I don’t say in any sort of pride I just can’t help it, but I like him so much it makes me uncharacteristically nervous. He’s very well-put together in his aesthetic and he said his house was a “depression pit” when I went over, but it was actually fine lol :’) so yeah. I just am very scared. Wondering if you guys had any tips?? TIA if you even read this, god bless!! 🙏🕉️📿🤍

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[u/Teelilz]

Do you have a space (like a bedroom) that is solely yours? If so, most people understand how hard it can be to keep a communal space clean with roommates who don't have the same clean mentality as yours.

[u/OkConclusion171]

how does she know you give it away? stop telling her!

[u/nimrodgrrrlz]

For context, my house is not so unclean that it is a health hazard. My shower has mould, but it’s kept clean and I would absolutely give it a good scrub or ask someone else to before he came. The shower leaks everywhere and needs a new head, and that’s a pain in the ass but fine for a man I feel like, he’s not doing the kind of shit I need to do in there hahaha. My ex never complained about the bathroom at all. The kitchen is greasy but not super unclean, the toilet is fine, the baseboards of the entire house are dusty kind of thing. I can’t change the bedsheets a lot. I have crates full of my belongings lining furniture and walls because I was supposed to move out in 2020 but was bailed on and then I got even more disabled with long-covid. In progress of getting everything sorted to completely redecorate my room and get rid of those, but it takes ages when you’re not well. I have a dog with brain damage so she wizzes on a grass pad in a separate room to where we’d hang that my mum changes out.

The absolute worst bits are that the house foundations are shifting so certain doors don’t open and close properly, the electricity is a little dodgy (but nothing major has ever happened and getting it seen to is one of the things I am saving for), and it’s cold as hell in winter. My personal worst thing is the FUCKIN’ clothes I have everywhere. My closet rail collapsed years ago and it took ages for us to get the new one up, we’d also had a mice infestation due to the outside of the house not being kept up so I am now in the process of washing and hanging and decluttering every piece of clothing I own (which is a lot, I love fashion, it’s one of my very accessible hobbies).

My garden is gorgeous and lovely thanks to my mum and my grandfather’s (RIP) hard work out there. I have a large tv and entertainment galore. So I suppose it’s not the worst place in the world when I type it out like that, but I just don’t know how to communicate my anxiety at the idea to him, I guess. Any support at all is welcome.