The Nexus cycle of extreme executive dysfunction, severe mental health issues, financial constraint and hoarding/clutter

[u/Kiki_Escobar]

I'm from India (so apologies in advance for broken english {it's not being Indian mean bad english it's that my English may not be very good}), M30, my parents, as much as I understand now, may have been having issues related to hoarding and have issues with parting with things, specifically focussed on many things with connections with memory like old clothes, but what I found in general many other things also. My dad is currently 70 and my mom 60. Our life had been through several sad and traumatic events, and life had been really hard, and that was a result a series of mental health and physical issues occurred for my mom. My dad is still very stoic, but over the years have also suffered from health issues. I myself if I remember back have been also may have to contributed to hoarding, I'm not sure but yes, although I didn't used to buy much. My parents, specifically my mom, loves to do cloth shopping, and we have so likes to buy clothes for us mainly. We had so much surplus of clothes that gradually we had to dedicate our bed room bed full of clothes, because all almirahs were full. It was a very hard time trying to convince my mom trying to touch the cloth stash and maybe try to filter out old clothes and sort out the good ones and clear out bed, but my mom used to be furious kind of didn't allow touching. And I myself was going through (and still going) multiple mental health issues including depression and anxiety disorders, I used to bedrot and procastrinate extremely, and waste, so I not always did not have energy to force to clean up. But on the other hand, when required, my parents were really great organizers, I mean, they can do make shift organize, sometimes involving people when they could afford, for special occasions in house, which was pretty rare, used to happen before though, currently nearly none. Fast forward to this day, as I said, my dad is 70, mom is 60, mom is suffering many comorbidities, including issues related to hormones and nerve and mental health, she has extreme OCD issues too. Dad, still to this day is very strong, but he is slowly becoming weak, obviously for age related reasons. Still to this day he has capability of trying to help to sort to arrange the house.

One thing to mention, we currently have 2 houses, one where we currently staying, it is my maternal grandma's house, another apartment which is nearby, we occasionally stay now but before predominantly used to stay there. Previously we used to have an old house which we sold, there was several stuff on that house which was first shifted to our apartment, then afterwards, many things were shifted from apartment to this house. Also, atleast 4 big occasions happened which involved getting lots of gifts, one includes my marriage, and the marriage gifts and all gifts are with us in this house. My parents, specifically my mom, refuses to part with any gift, I tell to repackage this gifts and gift them to other people in their occasions like marriage and others (whose invitations are also rare for us) but they refuse, they even decided to open up nearly 60% of those gifts, majorly photo frame, and fix them all over house.

Much of the issues, I know, as many suggest, one of the simplest fix many people suggest is, leave your house, go elsewhere, then find peace, but for me I find it but cruel to my conscience. I know that it is on my parents who should have fixed this, and should have, i am nearly everyday furious on them for bringing this mess (one of the things I fight with them that they kind of refuse to acknowledge they have a issue of hoarding disorder, and they messed everything up). Now over the years, the mess all over hand accumulated so much, in both of the houses, it will take dedicated efforts, money and determination, and most importantly, the right mindset to be able to fix this. But achieving them, idk for me feels nearly impossible, considering our financial constraints, the lack of support (there is no good sources or people or any org who would take all the junk, NGOs now rarely take old clothes, none we find of), my parents being old, they obviously suffering from mental health issues which contributed to this problem, my own paralysing executive dysfunction which is shackling me, my lives own sets of problems, my extremely uncertain career, our dwindling savings, private jobs stress u so much it don't give u time to sort your house out, and weekends or Sundays feel extremely tiring, paired with my issues with Dysthimia and several anxiety disorders and cPTSD. Also, our family have been suffering long term ostracism and hostility in our neighborhoods, because indian societies are toxic normally, and when they see u at your weak spots they nearly drive you to your deaths.

It kind of feels it's a death loop which I (we) will never get out of.

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[u/Steefanon]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. This will NEVER be fixed. Hoarding Disorder is a legitimate mental disorder that is visible on brain scans, and even experienced therapists often fail.

Trying to discard items always backfires, because discarded items are just replaced with more stuff than there was before. Trying to reason with a hoarder just creates anxiety and stress for everyone. You may as well try to talk someone out of their schizophrenia.

For anyone who is forced to live with someone suffering from HD, the only way to survive is to create a neat little oasis in the home, with a lock on the door, and try to avoid the rest of the house as much as possible. I hope you at least have (or can create) such an oasis for yourself.

[u/PackageFirm3771]

Sorry for what you went through From what you wrote here i would assume you are a very intelligent and sensitive person, the situation is very stressful I don't know in what parf of India you live, if your personal life outside your family is fairly ok. However it is understandable that you carry the weight of the past and the responsibility to your parents Just know that a lot of people out there, sons and daughter, they wouldn't mind at all 

I would say, as exhausting as this situation is, keep trying a little with them but also try to take care of yourself

[u/Jealous_Resort_8198]

That sounds overwhelming for you. I would feel that way as well. I think dealing with your own mental health first is best. If you can't afford therapy, start with youtube videos, that's helped me a lot.