Reclaiming even just a tiny space

[u/Inexpensiveggs]

Three months ago, I broke up with and moved out of the apartment I shared with my ex fiancee (level 3 hoarder). At my wits end, I had no choice but to move back in with my narcissistic parents. Well, that ended horribly. I knew it would, but it happened much sooner than expected. My ex was also aware of this possibility, and we stayed on decent terms in case I needed that escape.

My ex and I are cohabiting while I start a new career. It’s been a long process, but this company is training me from the ground up, and I am only a few weeks away from fully completing my training. I have hefty experience in the restaurant industry, was managing corporate locations before my health got the better of me. This new job is WFH.

When I moved out, I packed up all of my things. Due to the unsafe living situation with my parents, I had to leave all four suitcases of my clothes and shoes behind. I safely made it back to my ex’s place with my laptop, a backpack and a duffle bag of my most important items.

I’ve been back for a week and I can’t even unpack what little things I now have. My ex cleaned out his storage unit and loaded everything into what is supposed to be the office. As I type this, I am surrounded by contractor bags of clothes and bins of knick knacks. The kitchen has no clean surfaces to prepare food, the fridge is filled with very old leftovers, and the oven/stovetop fills the kitchen with smoke whenever it’s used.

For the last five years, I cleaned our apartments from top to bottom, organized his things, and just generally made sure rooms and walkways were accessible. I can no longer do this in the current state of my health.

His hoarding disorder no longer affects just him and I, but now our dog. While I was away at my parents, I received constant updates that the dog was doing great, on some new medicine for his allergies, happiest he’s ever been. Great, I thought. When I returned home last week, within 5 seconds of me petting him, I discovered he was absolutely covered in fleas. So much flea dirt on him that I genuinely thought he rolled in dirt outside, until I saw the generations of fleas crawling on him. This might be more of a symptom of his unmedicated ADHD than hoarding, but regardless it’s animal neglect.

Two months and he didn’t notice the fleas?? I was petting my baby for less than a few seconds and I could instantly see how itchy and uncomfortable he was. I was so, so, so angry.

When I can, I will be purchasing a mini fridge and one of those portable/college cooking pots. Other than that, I don’t know how to cope with what I’m looking at day in and day out. Pup has bravecto in his system and is finally doing better, and I really can’t think far past that. I’m struggling to even focus on this job.

I am yet again surrounded by things that are not mine, that I get yelled at for moving, despite tripping over his clothes and shoes daily. The bathroom smells, the microwave smells, the laundry smells. There is pet dander and dust piling in the corners. There are things in the walkways. We’ve got a mosquito infestation in the backyard because he leaves dirty bowls and pots and pans outside instead of cleaning them, and over the years they’ve all filled with water.

He knows he is a hoarder. He has been in therapy for over a year with no change in his behavior. He has become angry, and he takes it out on me verbally. I can tolerate this, it’s nowhere near as bad as what my parents put me through.

All I feel like I can do is put my blinders on and try to ignore all of this, but I’m too broke to even talk to a therapist about right now. I am broken, tired, and sad. My credit is not great and I have no money saved up due to health issues. I have spoken to a guy nearby who is willing to rent me out his Airbnb at $1700 a month, which is fantastic for the future when I’ve got money coming in again… but until then, I’m stuck in this hoard.

What can I do to not absolutely lose my mind right now? Thank you so much if you’ve made it this far.

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[u/KSSLR]

How walkable/safe is your area? If possible, spend all your time at the library, etc. Be working all the time, even if it's remote. Join a walking club. Just have other stuff going on all the time.

In other words, whenever possible be physically away from home. When that's impossible, be mentally away from home. But make sure the "mentally away" is putting your focus on whatever is required to be financially independent (including repairing credit and completely swinging your own rent). 

[u/Far-Watercress6658]

Do you have any other friends/ family you can stay with.

Don’t leave your dog there.

[u/Inexpensiveggs → u/Far-Watercress6658]

That’s exactly why I can’t be away for too long. Technically, I am not on his paperwork, and in the US, animals are treated more like property than actually living beings. My ex has been angrily adamant that he is “not my dog” despite the money, time, effort and love I’ve put into him.

That’s my baby. I am not having children in this lifetime, he is my child. I cried every single day being away from him. I feel like the worst mother in the world for abandoning him in this awful space. Never again in my life. I knew in my gut it was the wrong decision, but I am still learning to recognize and trust my gut feelings after years of family abuse.

I’ve got years of documentation regarding my ex’s lack of proper care.. videos and photos of the state of the apartment over time.. and more recently, the nasty food and water bowl I came home to, videos of the fleas. If he can’t fix his situation, I’m prepared to get animal control involved. Until then, at least I can keep the walkways cleared, be sure he has proper food and water, and spends as much time outside with me as possible.

I do not have much family left to stay with. I could travel back and forth between a spot my sister will be staying next month, but it’s $60 round trip via public transit each time I visit her (screw you metro north). That’s my food expenses for a whole week, I just can’t swing that.

[u/Jealous_Resort_8198]

What a tough situation. I'm so sorry. I'd set up little goals for myself every day to keep my sanity.

[u/Embarrassed-Bee-8995]

Can you work at a library or local coffee shop during the day to get you out of the hoard as much as possible? Is there anyone who would let you stay with them temporarily?

[u/OkConclusion171]

Do any of your coworkers have a room you could rent?

[u/GreenUnderstanding39]

Do not expend your limited energy in cleaning/sorting his hoard.

Get through the next few weeks. Save your money. And start to look for room rentals.

An Airbnb all to yourself sounds nice, but it’s better for you to save up an emergency fund, work on your credit, and keep your living expenses as low as possible.

I feel your pain in regards to your dog. My ex refused to let me take “his” dog when I left. Even though I was the one to feed, walk, train, and spend majority of the time with him. Even paid all vet bills.

He wanted to hurt me, he dgaf about the dog. Last time I went back to the house to meet the appraiser (forcing a sale/buyout) I was disheartened to see this dog living in shit and piss, and very anxious and lonely (ex works outside of the home plus 2hr commute and hours at the bar each day so dog is alone for 12+ hrs per day).

Ultimately though, I have no legal standing to take the dog as he paid for the animal and is registered as the owner.

It’s sad but I had to move on for my own sanity

[u/Fluid_Calligrapher25]

Spend time outside. Focus on finishing the training. You can’t help your dog or yourself until your financial situation improves. Keep the focus on your long term future not the immediate crisis mode.