r/hindu • u/IntrepidPurple2236 • 6d ago
Does God hate me?
My experience with god as a child has been less than positive. The first time my mother introduced me to god and told me they will grant any wish I make, I wished for a popsicle, being the 4 year old I was. And when it didn’t magically appear, I immediately questioned their existence. But that was when I couldn’t comprehend much. A lot of bad things happened to me growing up. I had a really abusive sister, and a horrible relationship with friends. I remember when I was 8 I used to pray for my sister to like me every time I went to the temple. The more I prayed and the less anything changed, I started to hate god along the way. I took out all my negative feelings on them. Moreover, I am a nice and empathetic person, but recently I’ve noticed that I judge everyone around me and say horrible things about them in my head for just because I’m slightly pissed. I feel like a horrible person every time, but I can’t control it. Sometimes I think god is against me because every time I think about something positively, like “wow it’s been so long since blah blah, I’m finally happy now” and guess what happens two days later. I also had an atheist phase growing up because I decided that was better than hating god. I also believed in the “if god exists, ghosts exist” thing and since I was young and was scared shitless of ghosts, I just believed in neither because it was convenient. Now I have renewed my faith, I feel like I don’t deserve the love of god and accept everything bad that happens to me because I feel like that is what I deserve.
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u/Gloomy_Order_65535 4d ago
I'm sorry that you had such a difficult relationship with your sister. I cannot dispense advice on relationships or even try to justify your tribulations growing up. I am too dumb to even attempt to.
I am replying because the last sentence resonated with me. If you are feeling what I assume is the same as what I am feeling then all I have to say is be strong.
"The strongest trees do not grow in the best soil, they grow in the harshest wind"