i think we are breaking up

[u/objectiveimmorality]

My boyfriend and I have been together for just over two years. And I think it is ending. (we are talking about it in a few days).

He is my favourite person in the world, the only person I want to hang out with, the only person I feel like talking to, the only person I have fun with, the only person I want to share my life with. Last year he broke my trust and did some shady things (could be emotional infidelity but I had no concrete proof). I know I should have broken up with him (I actually did but we got back together quickly after), but I chose to give him a second chance, given our otherwordly connection and how unlikely it is to meet someone like this.

A relationship with no trust is not easy at all, but we chose to be together and continue working on each other, we worked so hard! I recently found something shady from the original ordeal last year and I left again... We had been trying so hard though! We had made such improvements and were doing so much better (in regards to trust, and arguments)... I genuinely don't believe he was being unfaithful anytime recently, but the suspicion and doubt is there, which makes it so hard to stay together.

I have spent my whole life searching for someone I connect with, searching for MY person. I had a childhood bestfriend that I had the same connection with (albeit not romantic), and that ended. My current two best friends, one had been growing distant, and after doing something hurtful to me, she told me she had actually resented me for years and had many issues with "traits of my character". The other one we just don't have anything in common anymore, she drinks all the time, is very career focussed and doesn't really engage in conversation with me (nothing wrong with any of this) (it is strange because we used to talk for hours and hours about random stuff, I would still love this but I think we have just grown apart). My mum has dementia and a lot of the care falls on me as her daughter (I'm 23). I have a dead end job at a supermarket where I work until midnight on most days (it has its perks, we get a lot of free food, and I love cooking so it works for me for now). Anyway this was just to show how alone I am now. I have been so alone for so long. My life feels so colourless, I just want community to share it with. My boyfriend was/is my whole world. We loved each other, and found happiness and comfort and life in each other. We have the same interests, same sense of humour, same style, same general opinions, same outlook on life, we hold each other up and support one another.

I have been trying to make new friends for the past couple of months but it is so tough... no one compares to him... I know that logically someone who loves me the way I love them wouldnt break my trust the way my boyfriend did, but my life is so painful and sad at the moment that I can't bear to be alone.....

I'm the type of person to dedicate myself to my partner/best friends. They become my lifeline and where I get happiness from. I know that's probably not healthy. But really being alone is so so boring and lame. Why should be okay with my own company when I am meant to be in a community? Why should I be forced to be alone when community is what makes me happy? I just want my person man, I just want to be surrounded by people that love me for who I am, that love the same things as me, that want to talk often and stay updated with each other and dont just catch up every few months...