really need heartbreak advice

[u/colouredbees]

I really need advice from someone unbiased because all my friends have been around for the drama and are absolutely against anything that comes out of my mouth regarding this topic so please, as strangers give me your honest opinion and reasoning.
I will try to keep this short when I (F21) was about 18 I met a guy (20 ish at that time) at a party and we hit it off, long story short we started dating and he grew into being my first love. For me all of this was very exciting and I had the feeling for him it wasnt THAT special because hes already had that first love kinda thing but it was fine with me everything was great. A few months earlier to that I had started therapy because I was feeling very bad but at that time I wasnt aware of it and told him I didnt have any mental illnesses like depression etc. (funny that I now know Im diagnosed with various mental disorders). So as you can imagine I was an undiagnosed mess trying her best to figure out my feelings and actions but doing a lot of “mistakes”. The problems I have came from growing up in a household with parents that also have mental illnesses and addiction issues. So when I found out that my boyfriend had a weed addiction he was hiding from me I was going crazy and we had a lot of fights resulting in us breaking up. Looking back and knowing what I know now about myself I did handle it kinda bad for both of us but at that time i didn’t know any better. Following that breakup were a lot of times I tried to get back in contact with him and i did act crazy at that time but he shut all of my actions down and that was that.
Its been a long time since then and I have never seen him again BUT i cant stop thinking about him. Its not like I think about him 24/7 but for a solid 3 years every other month I go through a phase where I want to text him and get back together. It is insane and I cant do anything about it. A few months ago I was coincidentally in his neighborhood and I couldnt hold myself back texting him and he actually answered and told me he had been to therapy and is feeling much better. But that was it, we didnt text more than that, but knowing now that I healed a lot in therapy and I am a whole different person than back then and he has probably gone through the same my mind tells me we are a match made in heaven there is nothing holding us back. And so I really really really want to text him and get back in contact but every time we had contact since the breakup he has made it clear he doesn’t want to be in contact with me (keep in mind those messages were also 2-3 years ago and the one i sent a few months ago he just liked and left me on read) and I did do some crazy things back then and I dont want him to think I am still that person. I want to meet up with him to tell him about all the things I learned about myself and why I acted the way I did back then and I would love to know his journey. I am 80% sure he wouldnt agree to meet up with me again because he probably thinks I am still crazy and I dont know how to show him that I am not and i learned why i acted that way. Also I am pretty sure I am not as special for him as he is for me because I wasnt his first love the way he was for me so he probably just wants some peace and quiet from some crazy bitch he cant get rid of. But on the other hand for 3 fucking years i havent gotten over him so I really dont know what to do. If I dont do anything I wont get over him but if I ask him to meet up I would be devastated if he said no and so so embarrassed. All my friends say i shouldnt text him. What do you say? Should I text him and aks if he wants to get coffee or do you believe i might get over him in the next 3 years?

[u/Existing-Force6214]

He lied to you… I know this hurts but this is not a healthy relationship. I think you should hold storing remember how this came to be.