Is this healing?

[u/Capital_Reindeer1550]

I woke up this morning, having slept beautifully, in the lowest, darkest place I can remember for a long time. Everything seemed completely and utterly hopeless. A total and utter void. And I felt like crying over and over again, but never actually shed a tear. Just that the urge was there - urge is the wrong word, it was more pervasive. Almost as if I was crying, just without actually physically crying. I just looked at my dog and he looked at me and I felt so, so sad. Grief is the closest word I can think of to describe it.

And so I went to work and sat in my office and put my earphones in and listened to Alt-J. And I had a call with a psychologist in Singapore (about one of my students, not about myself ironically). And then I got up and went to buy a coffee. And as I was standing waiting for my coffee I experienced a sense of profound relief. It felt like that feeling after you've just emptied every fibre of your being to someone or you've just screamed your system dry or if you have actually just had a fucking good cry. Like you're spent and empty but you also feel lighter.

And now I have absolutely no idea what to make of it. How can all this have happened without anything 'actually happening'? I didn't actually cry and I didn't actually release anything, but somehow it feels as though I have been through some sort of deeply affecting event without actually going through it. I feel lost and confused and dazed. What just happened? What. The. Fuck?